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GIVEMEFRIES SparkPoints: (8,868)
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5/19/14 5:18 P

I was about to say yes for the sake of the child, but since he doesn't come around anyway, nope. The kid will be fine and it sounds like his mother is enough of a parent to take care of him.

Dude can rot. Dug his own grave.

Edited by: GIVEMEFRIES at: 5/19/2014 (17:18)
FANNYMANSON SparkPoints: (20,213)
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5/19/14 5:03 P

In my opinion- She doesn't owe him any more than a polite interest in his health situation on behalf of the child. They are family, after all. But as far a helping him with food, shelter, medical care, and emotional support, I say steer clear. The love relationship is over. Let that baggage stay in the past.

Edited by: FANNYMANSON at: 5/19/2014 (17:05)
MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/15/14 11:42 A

Yes, also see my update. thanks.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/15/14 11:38 A

UPDATE: My friend has been trying to stand fast against his coming to live with her. In the meantime, he has been hospitalized two more times. This last time a supposed two hour surgery turned into eight hours. He is going to need extensive care and rehabilitation so his family has backed off of her a little. She went to see him out of human kindness and said his family still tries to label them a "couple".

I also found out that he has eight siblings, and not just three that I knew of! So I told her he definitely has enough family to look after him, and do not back down! You all gave such good points that I was able to give to her. Thanks!

LAURELTOO SparkPoints: (564)
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5/13/14 2:05 P

no way, and in addition it would be cruel to this child, who has probably had fantasies of her father moving back and being a part of her life. and if she thinks this family of his is good to her she is sorely mistaken, as they would not be putting her in this position if they cared about her or her child. no. no way, walk away from all of them.

DMJAKES Posts: 1,635
5/13/14 1:43 P

All I can say is WOW. If your friend thinks about this situation with a long-term perspective, the only answer she can give is NO. What message is she sending her child by letting this abusive jerk back into the home? What would it do to her self-esteem to take him back, even if only in a caretaker role? If she did take him in and then things fell apart, how would she get him out of there? If no one else will take him, she'd have to dump him on the street. and that wouldn't be cool, no matter what the reason.

Time to shut the door and move on, IMO. Tell the family one last time that the answer is no, and that you won't discuss it any more. No explanations--you don't owe them any, and it sounds like they know him all too well anyway. If they continue to pester, change the phone number and make sure it's unlisted.

You gotta wonder where that sense of entitlement came from....probably spoiled rotten as a kid!

TINA8605 SparkPoints: (99,668)
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5/13/14 12:59 P

I have lived through many many years and many many different men who used and abused me. The first slapped me in the face....and each bf after that was worse than the last. It got to the point where I had broken bones, broken teeth, hearing loss, hair pulled out of my head and the list goes on and on. The damage this did to my mental and emotional health was by far the worst. It has taken me years and years of therapy to "fix" me. The broken bones, teeth and bruises have long disappeared. But the emotional issues remain today.
If you had cancer....would you want it to came back once you got rid of it? I consider abuse the same as cancer.
My can't fix this guy. You can't change him. Where the hell was he when you needed him? Why would you even consider this as an option. Let his other friends and family take care of him. The only help you should consider at this point is pray for him...period. Love and respect yourself. and don't do this to your children....he may be the father, but don't teach them his behavior is ok...its not.

RIET69 SparkPoints: (47,087)
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5/13/14 11:38 A

No way would I, but that is me. emoticon

CAROLINAGIRL69 SparkPoints: (116,418)
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5/13/14 8:26 A

I am curious. Did your friend make her decision?

5/11/14 10:17 A

Bluenose I agree with you" do on to others" the Golden Rule!!!

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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5/10/14 10:05 P

The ex boyfriend is learning first hand what Karma is!

5/10/14 4:15 P

Your friend lived through mental abuse! As someone mention the child is the key here (does she want her daughter (and kids are impressionable) to continue the cycle). Ask her that question because this was not a healthy relationship to begin with, why would she think something would change now. Whose to say that if he gets back on his feet if he wont revisit his dark side ( and thats if hes grateful if she takes him back). Women can and have taken a lot of s@#$ but does she want her child to see that?....Ladies this is ABUSE

CARTOON3 SparkPoints: (36,232)
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5/9/14 5:21 P

when the family calls ask them why don't they take him in?

CAMEOSUN SparkPoints: (86,617)
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5/9/14 1:50 P

No - - wouldn't trust him.

5/8/14 4:17 P

She would be putting her daughter at risk. No mother should do that. her daughter grow up with the message that it is not okay to be used or abused, that it is OKAY to say no and put her kids and self interest first.

Anything other than NO is putting a path for her daughter to be with a man who will use and abuse her when she grows up.

She should turn the ringer off her phone and block calls from his family if she doesn't want to talk to them about it. She does NOT have to give a reason or justify her no. No means NO.

ATLJC2010 Posts: 153
5/8/14 3:55 P

Sounds like he was a sperm donor at best... uh NO! emoticon

LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,334
5/8/14 3:42 P

"I agree with you, ONLYZOMBIECAT, except I wouldn't take him in at all. A written agreement can't change his character. No, she doesn't have the room. she works all day and has to check on her elderly father! She was so stressed and asking for advice because she knows she's a softie!"

Of course he won't change and I don't think she should take him in.

If she were my friend I would mostly want her to stop looking at it emotionally and view it as business. She should not let emotion into this decision. He/they want her to look at it emotionally. They want to put pressure on her because they know it will play on her emotions. They know she is soft and they want to use her. They don't want someone they will have to pay fairly or they could hire anyone. I bet if she says firmly "sure, if you pay me rent and the going rate for caregivers" they will leave her alone.
If she looks at the facts, she will realize the right thing for everyone is to be honest and say she really can't help him and the most she should do is offer a phone number to an agency or charity that can.
Tell her that it doesn't make her a bad person to be realistic about her limits (or even to admit that she doesn't want to because he is a horrible person). It isn't her problem.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (196,884)
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5/8/14 10:51 A

What does it say when the ex boyfriend's family doesn't want to take him in ? He must have acted just as badly towards them as he did towards your friend.

My opinion ? She doesn't owe him anything. Yes, he is the father of her child. BUT he has shown no emotional interest and any money he provided was because of a court order.

If this man is now gravely ill, she can't stop her life to take care of him. she has a daughter to care for first. If he is that badly off, it sounds like he really needs HOSPICE care of some kind. That's not something your girl friend can provide as well as provide for her daughter.

She should not feel obligated to care for her former boyfriend just because no one else wants him. If she did, she'd be a saint. If she is on good terms with his family, she should suggest he be placed in a hospice where he can get the care he needs.

She can't be expected to care for her elderly father, the gravely ill ex boy friend and her daughter. Her daughter has to come first. The ex can go into hospice.

Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 5/8/2014 (10:57)
LEC358 SparkPoints: (11,135)
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5/8/14 9:38 A

That's some nerve by the family! Given what you've shared about the situation, I'd be wondering what they actually think about your friend since they don't want to help him but want her to. She should just maintain that the dude left, she's moved on, and he's given her zero reason to show compassion or consideration at this point.

(The dude, well, he's shown his colors and his actions since are hardly surprising. Your friend should completely disregard anything he has to say unless it's related to their kid.)

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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5/8/14 9:25 A

I would not take him, and if asked for advised I would tell her not to.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/8/14 9:07 A

Good points NIRERIN!

DEANNA0725 SparkPoints: (22,611)
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5/8/14 8:17 A

Your friend needs to do what she feels she needs to do. No matter how horrible he was to her they still have children together and that should be the most important thing.

CAROLINAGIRL69 SparkPoints: (116,418)
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5/8/14 8:16 A

She should just say no.

It would be different if he had no family. But, he does.

SANDICANE Posts: 3,400
5/8/14 8:08 A

In the end, only kindness matters.

NIRERIN Posts: 14,246
5/8/14 8:02 A

he is not her problem any more. if she is even thinking she might want to take him in, make sure she looks at how much of a pain it's going to be to evict him if she needs to. and she should also think of her child. this isn't a person who was stripped of themselves by something beyond their control. this is a person who used and burned bridges and needed to be gotten away from in the first place. while you want to teach your child about charity and kindness and it starting at home and all that, there is a point where you have to do what's best for you and the people under your control [your friend and her child]. the boyfriend is not now, will not be and never was under her control.
also, she should not change her number, or if she does, she should make sure he has it [which sounds like he's just give it to his family, so it's not really worth changing]. as a paying parent he should have access to his child, whether or not he chooses to exercise that right. and anything that could be construed as her denying him access to his child [unless there is a restraining order or something else through the courts] could easily come back to bite her.

MLAN613 Posts: 18,563
5/8/14 7:45 A

I wouldn't do it in a million years! He abused her while around and then he left. Perhaps she should change her number?

MISSRUTH Posts: 4,258
5/8/14 7:36 A

hmmm..... He has a large family, they have the means and the room to take him in.... yet none of them will do it. He treated her badly, never visits his child or sends presents, and appears to be a selfish, self-centered jackass.

Not in a million years. Personally-- my response to his family "begging" would be.... he's YOUR (insert son, grandson, brother, cousin, whatever here), don't you think YOU should be taking your FAMILY member in?

BETTERME8913 SparkPoints: (5,341)
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5/8/14 12:35 A

No way, He made his bed and he can sleep in it now! She's been through enough with this guy and it doesn't sound like she needs more. She should tell them to take him in, since they want someone to do this so much! I wouldn't do it, that's just my opinion though. emoticon I'd tell her don't think you have to do this, you don't. He's not your problem anymore, let someone else deal with it.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/8/14 12:25 A

I agree with you, ONLYZOMBIECAT, except I wouldn't take him in at all. A written agreement can't change his character. No, she doesn't have the room. she works all day and has to check on her elderly father! She was so stressed and asking for advice because she knows she's a softie!

JO88BAKO SparkPoints: (314,027)
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5/7/14 11:40 P

Nope, no way

LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,334
5/7/14 11:23 P

What does taking him in mean? What kind of care does he need? Does she have the time and space for this person? Is he just looking for a place to live or someone to be nurse to him? What is she being offered to do this?

I would tell her that it doesn't sound like a healthy idea to let this man back in her home. It sounds like she is being emotionally manipulated by him and the family and that isn't going to improve once he is there. I think it is telling that his girlfriend left when he is at a low point and his family won't take him in. He will not treat your friend well.
I would respond to him and the family with the number or address of an agency he can get help from.
I would advise her that if she agrees to let him move in that she draws up a written agreement stating exactly what she will provide, what he will pay for rent/care, and ground rules for behavior. I would advise her to make it a business arrangement- not emotional.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/7/14 11:17 P

People have some nerve don't they?

BHENDRICK2 Posts: 1,207
5/7/14 10:16 P

emoticon thats quite a mess

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,361
5/7/14 9:39 P

I would not.... but it is her decision and her life.

REBCCA SparkPoints: (407,778)
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5/7/14 9:20 P

"if you don't want elephants in your living room, don't invite elephants into your home" Old Sufi saying ....this has served me well.

This is a different situation as it is the father of her child. I would make a ground rules/agreement and have him sign it. emoticon before allowing him in.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (563,300)
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5/7/14 8:28 P

I would advise her not to take him in because it would not be good for the child. He is not a good person.

LOVE4KITTIES Posts: 4,690
5/7/14 8:28 P

No... She should just say no.

LADYCJM SparkPoints: (57,456)
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5/7/14 8:25 P

No way should she take him in. She does not owe him or his family anything, not even for the sake of the child. They can hire live in housekeeping to take care of his meals and housekeeping needs and hire a nursing service for any medical needs.

It would be emotionally, physically and financially draining for her to take him on! And I bet there would not be any gratitude from him or his family just an ongoing list of needs and demands.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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5/7/14 8:14 P

This is a real problem for my friend. She has an ex-boyfriend that she lived with a few years ago, and she has a school-aged child with him. While they were living together, she treated her badly. Although he worked a well-paying job, he never put any money towards household expenses saying, "If I wan't here you would have to pay them yourself" Also, he refused to help around the house as he stated he didn't do "chores". Eventually, she kicked him out, and he went to live with someone else all the while taunting her and putting her down. Although he pays child support, he doesn't visit, or give Christmas or birthday gifts to his child and he lives less than 5 miles from her. In the meantime, she and her child have remained close to his large family. They have stated many times that they definitely don't approve of his actions.

Well, what do you know? He has lost his car, and his new girlfriend has left him! In the meantime time, he has become gravely ill and needs someone to look after him. No one in his family, who by the way all have the means and the room, will take him in. Yet, both he and other family members have called her daily begging her to take him in! And without so much as an apology! I advised her to say, "Hell, no!" What's your opinion?

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