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KATYDID! Posts: 1,806
2/14/13 11:13 A

Need to read all these comments. Going through this now...

JADOMB SparkPoints: (106,132)
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10/11/12 8:03 P

I raised my own boy years ago and found both my son and daughter to have their own inherent issues. Attitude is definitely one of them for both sexes.

As a substitute teacher for Pre-K through 12 grade, I see many issues out there that amaze me. Some I understand and just try to work through, but many really saddens me as to WHY on earth these kids feel they can act this way.

I have no problem accepting students that have real or even imagined learning abilities, but when it is poor behavior I just don't tolerate it. NO one has the right or reason to act out that way, NO ONE. So while some "hormonal" issues or "bad day" issues can be ignored or accepted, much of it shouldn't be. They need to be sat down and read the riot act and let them know that it will NOT be tolerated. If they are doing it with their parents, you can just imagine how they are acting with others. And in this day and age, someone is going to get hurt due to this. So nip it in the bud quickly and make sure they know it will NOT be accepted or tolerated.

SHERRYGAYL SparkPoints: (19,643)
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10/11/12 6:45 P

So it's not just my 16 year old being nasty lately? Good to know! My goodness he can be a jerk sometimes! To hear him say it he's the smartest person in the world and everyone else is so beneath him. Yes, he skipped a grade, scores very highly on tests, is well read, enjoys obscure music, and loves talking endlessly about things nobody else knows about or about how stupid everyone else he's ever met is, but seriously I think that makes him seem rude and obnoxious, not intelligent. He's gross, too. I actually cleaned his room last month and put sheets on his bed because he was sleeping in old food. I really hate that my sweet little girl is going to be a teenager one day :(

PAISLEYOWL140 Posts: 83
10/8/12 2:55 P

I am not a parent but there are 2 teen girls in my family and there have been a few times where I want to slap them in the mouth for talking back. But today the teen life has changed. They are growing up fast and the bullying is different. Just sit him down and talk to him about things. Find out why he hates his teacher. There are some teachers out there that are total A-holes towards some students. There are online classes or classes outside of school that he can do. There is also therapy. If you talk to him about this talk to him as a friend and not a prarent. Dont yell at him and dont talk to him like he is a little kid because then you will get no where. Good Luck!!!

TERRIJ7 SparkPoints: (146,776)
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8/30/12 9:23 A

MAYPOSPANKY, It sounds like your family is doing well with your son. My middle daughter had that "I can do it on adrenaline" mindset and has never outgrown it. She goes and goes and will eventually sleep through an entire 48 hours! She's on her own now and doesn't have any children yet, so there isn't anything/anyone else suffering from her lifestyle. At this point, there's nothing I can say. She's a smart young woman, a dancer, a musician, a student...and she loves to try new things. She just throws herself into them 110% without giving anything else up.

I think your son is already learning about those natural consequences. Good for you!

STLCARDSFANS05 Posts: 916
8/30/12 9:16 A

16 yr olds are idiots by nature. they can't help it. just continue to behave in a way that earns respect, don't take their crap, and pick your battles.
my 18 yr old, who i was sure would melt when she went to college because she refused to do anything by herself when she lived at home. she had her brother and sister hoppin-to for her. but somewhere, sometime, she heard me while i was raising her and i am so proud that she's doing things for herself and handling business

MAYPOSPANKY SparkPoints: (1,883)
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8/29/12 9:49 P

Thank you all for this thread. I thought about it - especially the "Parenting is not for sissies".

I put my foot down today - was the mean and nasty dad. The 16 year old boy stayed up late and was late getting out the door to the car. He is just short of gettng his driver's license and I have to ride with him. He likes to drive. I got to the car before him, got in the drivers seat and when he got there, told him he was too late to drive. Talk about a mad kid - left telling me how uncool it was for me to not let him drive. He went to school madder than I have seen him for a while.

We have been doing too much tracking about activities after school trying to get homework done. Today - forget it. Had dinner ready for everyone else in the family. He came in just a few minutes before dinner wondering why we didn't let him know dinner was ready. Funny - dinner is the same time every day.

Funny thing happened after dinner. He caught me in the hall and gave me a little sudo kind of hug thing. More respect than he has given in a couple of months.

And you know what - when we were leaving for marching band rehearsal after dinner, guess who was the first to the car and ready to drive.

And to top it off, I looked at Infinite Campus our tracking system for grades - they were reasonable so instead of arguing about getting home to do homework tonight, I just said you are doing pretty well - why don't you go out with your friends tonight.

Surprisingly, the answer was - 'I think I'm tired tonight and will come straight home, do my homework and go to bed'.

Thanks for the suggestion to make him stand on his own. I guess in our case, we are getting pushback just to argue.

I guess just about the time I think I have figured it out, we will run into other problems, but I think with a little patience and understanding that the kid needs his space, we should be better off for now anyway.

MAYPOSPANKY SparkPoints: (1,883)
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8/29/12 1:42 A

I also have a 16 year old son that is driving me nuts right now.

I guess we have done reasonably well so far - he is going in to his Junior year of high school with good grades, has been deeply involved in band and theater, found himself a job at an upscale restaurant as a host, goes to church with us every couple of weeks and at least was active with boy scouts.

Problem is, this year as school starts he has become very disrespectful and is running himself into the ground sleep wise. I agree that he is breaking away, but doesn't quite know how to handle it. He wants to do all these activities along with work and I see him pushing himself on 4 hours of sleep a night. It is making him just a mess to work with. He is turning into a walking zombie. He is getting very sleep deprived and doesn't realize it.

I hate to let him crash and burn and am trying to explain to him that to accomplish all these things he needs to get a reasonable amount of sleep to continue. He hasn't gotten it quite straightened out that even though he is an invincible 16 year old, he does need to sleep. The last comment was 'I can do it all on adrenaline'.

Somehow, after about 3 weeks of school, I need to put the hammer down and force him to set some kind of normal sleep schedule - mostly because it is interupting the rest of the houshold. The way I can tell it effecting me is my eating habits just get out of control

Don't want to be the mean dad, but I like the comment "Parenting is not for sissies". For his own good, guess the electronics (computer and cell phone) get shut down after maybe 11PM. Turn in all equipment to dad and keep it in my room as I go to bed.

Sounds reasonable, but is that really teaching or should I just let him crash and burn. Any suggestions would be helpful.

JULIAAMILEE SparkPoints: (2,432)
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10/31/11 2:42 P

The reason it is so hard is because when they reach the age to leave the nest and go out on their own, your okay with it because your ready to PUSH THEM OUT. LOL good luck. I am entering into the teenage years now.

TERRIJ7 SparkPoints: (146,776)
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10/27/11 5:59 P

Yes, and they've all survived and moved out on their own--Praise the Lord! I'm even getting to enjoy watching some of the older ones raise kids now. My 2 oldest grandkids are 14. Believe me, it's worth now :)

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/27/11 3:49 P

Thank you so much for replying. It all made sense and some was new news and some old. It just gets old having to deal with him, school, his attitude day in and day out. I'm so over it. Thank you so much and boy, having 7 kids - good luck (HA).

TERRIJ7 SparkPoints: (146,776)
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10/26/11 2:21 P

Mothering teen-aged boys can be rough. They are at a stage where they want to pull away a little, but don't always know how to do it respectfully. We live in the country and could always give our boys plenty of physical labor to do to burn off some of those attitudes. I posted along these lines on another thread, but kids really need to actively contribute to the family. I don't just mean taking out the trash, etc. but they need to do that too. By the time they are 16, they should be able to cook a meal, do their own laundry, take care of their own things (as in, not leaving them laying all over the place)--AND they should have an income! I know that times are tough for a lot of people, but there are still some jobs to be had--even if it's at a fast food place, mowing lawns, or walking the neighbor's dog. My kids all washed dishes at a local restaurant, pulled weeds and mowed lawns, stacked firewood, washed cars, babysat, etc. to earn their own money. By the time they were 16, they were buying most of their own clothing and never asked me for spending money--mostly because they knew I wouldn't give it to them!

You should NOT buy him a car!!! You should help him to get a job so he can buy his OWN car! You are not going to help him grow up if you give him things that he should be earning himself! If he doesn't want to work, he doesn't get the rewards--that simple. The world doesn't revolve around him and nobody really cares that he doesn't like his teacher! If he wants to flunk his math class, let him know that he'll just have to take it again next year--and then he'll have wasted all this time when he could've been putting it behind him. He needs to learn that life has lots of natural consequences.

Your job is to work yourself OUT of a job by teaching your kids to do what you do. We don't keep tying their shoes, wiping their noses or their behinds, and we shouldn't keep washing their clothes, making their beds and cleaning up their messes either! Part of the angst of the teen years is the limbo that we leave them in when we allow them to remain in adolescence by not expecting them to grow up and take on more responsibility. Or when we continue to bail them out when they screw up instead of letting them suffer their own natural consequences.

Don't try to lay a guilt trip on him. He may be suffering guilt already, but is just taking it out on everyone else. If your family has been dealing with cancer, there's a good chance that some of his acting out has to do with his fear of losing one of you. Using emotional manipulation by trying to make him feel guilty is counter-productive and just lowers you to his level. It isn't the most mature way for you to deal with him, I'm afraid. I know it hurts--believe me. (I've raised 7 kids (4 sons) and have dealt with this junk many times) But you are the adult, so don't let him rule your emotions. Even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry in the shower, keep it together in front of him. He may be acting like he doesn't want parents but down inside, he really wants to know that you are there and that you are strong.

I hope you're all able to celebrate his birthday after all, without him being too much of a punk. Parenting is definitely not for sissies!

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/25/11 4:52 P

He does have a cell, but I really want him to keep that for emergencies and that is the only way we can get in touch with him. We do take it at night so he won't stay on it all night. We had a meeting at school last year and it has been brought up this year that we all need to look for the good and positive in him and let him know. It seems the negative comes out more and we all react back to that in a negative way. Changing ways is hard when he has had "troubles" all his life. Even got kicked out of three different day cares - that was young!!!

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/25/11 4:49 P

You are right. I have always told my boys that they can talk to me about any and every thing. I have 4 of them. They do seem to be open with me and I am their friend also. He is trying to run his own life and his dad and I are trying to keep him on the right road and it is hard. I've been through this once before and it is so stressing and upsetting. We can only take it one day at a time and hopefully when he turns 16 tomorrow - he will grow up some with that.

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/25/11 4:43 P

I agree - I've told him several times that he doesn't respect his parents or teachers. His dad and I have both been through a lot this year (him getting cancer surgery several times) and I had to get surgery and I told my son that he doesn't even care about those things. Then I asked him with tears in my eyes if he could straighten up and put less stress on us during this time...NOT - didn't even phase him.

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/25/11 4:41 P

Get this - mine will be 16 tomorrow and we usually take each family member out to dinner of their choice. I asked him this morning and he said he didn't want to go anywhere and hang out with his friends. I asked "isn't your family your friends" and he said no. I just walked away and said "thanks a lot". That hurts!!!! He doesn't care for cleaning up after himself either and leaves his clothes on his floor where we've learned to leave them. If he wants them washed, he knows where to put them. It really hurts me more because my oldest son quit in the 10th grade and I don't want another son doing that. He doesn't care about school and his dad and I are letting him take control of that himself. Which he is failing some classes, but I'm tired of trying to help him and he won't help himself. emoticon

KARLEEJOE SparkPoints: (1,334)
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10/19/11 3:27 P

I have the sweetest 17 year old! That is until he is NOT. He is a senior we got him this far but now I am concerned that he is not going to graduate. We take things away and he seems to just get internaly angrier and depressed. He does as he wants in respect to getting into other peoples things, or using things he should not use, eat food or drinks that is saved for Dad's lunch. It looks like a bomb went off where ever he is because of all the things he has not only gotten into but also left out!
We are going crazy and I cannot stand him being in trouble all the time.

3KIDSANDAPUP Posts: 177
10/19/11 1:11 P

I really liked this. I am going through the same thing with my 14 year old son. It's like riding a really bad roller coaster. I'm about at my wit's end! The laziness at home and school is bad enough, but the disrespect is too much to bear!!!

RUBYEMMA775 SparkPoints: (15,176)
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10/19/11 1:20 A

i have a thirteen year old. it is never too late to try some new parenting strategy.
what i realized is at this stage, he has already heard everything i could possible tell him to do.
i know what i want from him, but there are things that he wants from me.
i make sure to tell him that i need to know what he needs from me because it isn't always about making sure that kids do their chores, clean up any messes they make, do their homework and clear their plates.
they are people, just like we are. when we are at work, we are more than production robots. we talk to our coworkers and friends about our feelings in a healthy way and the hope is that our kids will grow up to do the same thing. even though we know what decisions we will make, for the most part, we sound off with others just to make sure it makes sense.
that is what is happening at home, it started 2 years ago, and it is never too late to start listening. it doesn't mean that you will not parent anymore, just differently. your teen wants to be respected as an individual. he does not want you to stop being your parent. he just wants to know that the decisions he is starting to make, and the feelings and thoughts that he is having are okay. it may be too late to organize events with his friends and his parents but try to imagine being more involved in his life in such a way that you are not the cool mom who can skateboard but one who your teen and his friends would feel comfortable having small talk about skateboarding.
you can start by asking him something about where he wishes his favorite band could play so that he could fly and go to their concert, or if there was something funny that one of his friends said while having dinner together. sometimes something silly as a new pet guinea pig can bring the family together that has tiffs. it can be the one thing that eases tensions while you figure a way back in to your son's life. that's what we all want..to be the loudest voice in our children's head when we are not with them, not loud in volume but loud in influence.

-LISS- Posts: 155
10/18/11 2:01 A

Okay, so I am NOT a mom of teenagers, just a mom of a 1 and 5 year old (maybe same traits in 5 year old? LOL)
When you said there was nothing to take away as punishment I thought of two things:
1. Does he have a cell phone? I gather most kids have those. Take that away? I hear they are addicted to them.
2. Could it be more about logical consequences than punishments? I know positive reinforcement coupled with logical consequences works better than negative reinforcement.

Eager to hear how it goes and gain some knowledge for when I'm in the EXACT same place. LOL

KISSFAN1 Posts: 6,256
10/13/11 8:26 A

Wow, thanks so much for the compliment, I appreciate that!

I wish I had some wise advise to give you because if I did, I'd be using it myself, LOL.

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/10/11 6:29 P

That is a great idea!!! Of course, he wants a car since he's almost 16, but that will take a LOT of work to get one (HA). I'll mention this to my hubby and we'll see - thanks again for replying.

MJREIMERS Posts: 4,676
10/9/11 1:12 P

Since he doesn't have anything that can be taken away as a consequence, is there something he would want to work for? I have four kids ages 11 to 16, two boys and two girls. I know how hard they will work if they want something. A video game, new clothes, magazines, etc. See if there is something that your son would "work" for. In order to get it he has to have good grades and be respectful. I don't believe in paying for grades normally, but maybe that's the incentive he needs and if it works who cares! Hang in there!

LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/7/11 11:21 A

Thanks for replying. He's been like this for a couple of years though and he "promises" to do better every time school starts (right). Kids have changed so much since I was one and it doesn't look good to me and my husband. Oh well, yes, we will ride it out, but I'm counting the days of when he graduates and is gone (HA). Thanks again and your picture - you look so skinny!!!!!!!!! emoticon

KISSFAN1 Posts: 6,256
10/7/11 9:34 A

I feel for you because I am somewhat going through the same thing right now with my 14 year old son. The difference is he is very polite to other people (including adults) but it's us (his sister, me and my husband) that he is giving "attitude" towards.

I know part of it is growing up and breaking away from your parents and wanting to be independent but not quite being old enough to do so and not being mature enough yet. I am sure that after we finally go completely grey they will back to their "normal" selves after all the hormones and attitudes are past, LOL.

I really have no solution other than riding it out. As far as the rules issue goes, my son fights me (not literally, I just mean he hates rules right now) and my husband about any type of rule no matter how much sense it makes. He thinks because his body has matured that "he" has too, but he acts like a 5 year old at times, LOL.



LITTLEDUCK4 SparkPoints: (1,433)
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10/5/11 1:25 P

Almost 16, but the past 2 years he has been driving me and my husband crazy with not doing well in school, back talking to us and his teachers. Doesn't go by our rules, he really doesn't have any thing to "take away" for punishment. He is failing math on purpose because he doesn't like the teacher. Any ideas of getting through that thick head of his?? Thanks!!

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