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SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (138,262)
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11/5/13 8:10 P

I am sorry that you have gone through this. It isn't nice at the best of times but to be blamed for something HE has done to himself is very hurtful. I know this from experience. My late husband was an alcoholic. I was often blamed for his drinking. I didn't do this, or I didn't do that, or I SAID this, or I SAID that, and the list goes on. The fact is, the only one who puts the alcohol down their throats is themselves. They KNOW this. Fortunately, quite a while before he died, my husband realized that it was HIS problem and accepted it as such, and even apologized for what he had put me through. I even heard him tell his Dr that he treated me badly when he was drinking, and I didn't deserve that.

It sounds like maybe your spouse is looking for answers and grabbing at whatever floats past in thin air. One day he will realize that it wasn't you, but rather, him.

I am sure that you will get through this and perhaps be an even stronger person because of it.

I know that this doesn't help much, and I strongly hope that you aren't beating yourself up ...... and congratulations on having maintained your healthy weight.

Kris xxx

MBSHAZZER Posts: 18,460
11/5/13 8:54 A

BINGO, Isis.... thank you!

ISIS_22 SparkPoints: (397)
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Posts: 6
10/31/13 12:16 P

MBSHAZZER -

My sister just went through a divorce and her ex began doing exactly the same thing - spouting endless insults, blaming the entire failure on her, and so on. I need to underline what previous posters said - it is NOT your fault. You are in NO way responsible for his habits.

Even if leaving was his decision, separating hurts, and we often verbalize our hurts by saying hurtful things. Maybe in your case he is trying to make himself feel better by mentally pushing all of the blame onto you so he can more easily justify leaving? How he feels is his problem. It sounds like you are taking wonderful care of yourself and you should be proud of that. Keep it up!

It WILL be OK!

MBSHAZZER Posts: 18,460
10/30/13 9:59 A

Hi everyone... thank you for your kind words... you are all right. People are responsible for their own happiness. Our split has been amicable so far... mostly because I am a nice person and I hate conflict and discord, but man! He has been free-flowing in his criticisms of me!!! Apparently, being a hard working, responsible person who likes to go to bed early and cook healthy food is the worst thing in the world!

At any rate, I feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only person this has happened to. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

SUPERMOM316 SparkPoints: (1,446)
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Posts: 3
10/29/13 5:07 P

MBSHAZZER,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that he treated you this way, and it's more likely a reflection of how he feels about himself than anything you did. Hang in there, you'll get through this.

LSANGANGE SparkPoints: (9,979)
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10/29/13 2:16 P

In order to make himself not feel guilty over ending the relationship he is just trying to make it your fault. It's not. If he was unhappy, he should have left a long time ago, or at least tried communicating with you a little better.

I'm sorry your relationship is over. Its hard ending such a long one too. I recently ended my 16 year relationship. But you have to look on the bright side too.... at least now you can move on and find someone that won't be so unhappy with you. You can find someone who shares your same interests and hobbies. You can find a more suitable mate.

But first, take some time right now to focus on you. Take charge of your life and what you want to do. You don't have any one to answer to right now and sometimes that is a very good feeling. Its Freedom.

OLGA18 SparkPoints: (12,378)
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10/29/13 1:50 P

OK, I will tell you. I have been through it and you WILL be OK....but you have to realize that you are going to need some time to grieve the loss.
Even the end of a bad relationship (mine) causes terrible pain.
Be kind to yourself. Connect with friends, get out of the house and window shop or just go walking.
You're probably going to feel guilty about things, that is natural and common even if it isn't warranted. Try to shake it off and move past it....it's not your fault.
Have you heard the expression "Don't make YOUR problems MY problem"?
That's what he did, he had a problem and tried to blame you for it.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT - Do NOT own that.
None of us are perfect people and we all make mistakes in our relationships, otherwise they would be simple....they're not. So if you're going to feel guilty about anything feel guilty about the things you had control over (then stop feeling it, real fast), not HIS lack of control over his own life.
And the best advice I think I can give you is this: Forgive yourself for your shortcomings.
I struggled with that, it was so damn easy for me to forgive HIM (for cheating and lying and treating me like garbage) but I had a helluva time forgiving myself for my imperfections.
We're human, nobody is perfect BUT there is someone out there who is perfect for YOU.
Give yourself some time to heal and please, be kind to yourself.
It will be OK.
(You can message me if you feel you need to converse a bit more)


LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (30,412)
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Posts: 2,033
10/29/13 1:45 P

Bravo, Archi! Well said.

MBSHAZZER, I know you are hurting and stunned and all of that right now.
Be kind to yourself and you will get through it, one day at a time.

His comment was a dig at you, and a way to deflect personal responsibility. No body "makes" somebody get unhealthy (or healthy, for that matter). If he thinks that you were the *cause* of his weight gain, he's going to have a rude awakening, and the weight will likely come back no matter who he is or isn't with.

We are ALL responsible for our own selves.

Hang in there.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (143,121)
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10/29/13 10:29 A

MBSHAZZER,

I'm sorry that you're former domestic partner treated you so badly. Even if your relationship may have deteriorated over the years, surely there must have been some really great times he could have remembered BEFORE he started blaming you for the breakdown of the relationship.

The reason he said what he did is because he knew that you were sensitive about your weight. Many women are. However, it really was very spiteful statement. I suspect that there were probably other problems in the relationship that he didn't want to face. Accusing you of his weight gain was merely his way of avoiding some hard truths.

So, don't beat yourself up. You need to be strong and move on with your life. time really does heal all wounds. I have always hoped that when people break up they can do it amicably. I'm afraid that many breakups can be very messy. You will move on and you WILL find a man who WILL appreciate you for who you are !!

Don't let his hurtful comments upset you. Let him go. You don't need the kind of grief he was offering. Be kind to yourself as you would to others.


emoticon

Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 10/29/2013 (15:28)
MBSHAZZER Posts: 18,460
10/29/13 9:57 A

Good morning, everyone.

My domestic partner of 9 years lost 50 pounds this year and left me. I am so hurt, but I know this must have happened to at least one other person. I am looking for sympathy and for someone to tell me that it's going to be OK.

I think what is most painful to me is that he blames me for the weight gain! (he is back down to around the same weight as when we met). He claims he was so miserable with me (for 9 years!!) that he ate and drank too much. Please note that during the entire course of our relationship, I have maintained the same weight and healthy habits.

Thanks for reading...

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