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MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,409
5/22/12 11:51 A

You may have to cut your losses and find some new friends. These people sound toxic. Except for maybe Lisa. Even then she may be in denial about what Jerry is doing and think you are the problem.

Although the text message to Dan. He was working and bosses get a little upset when their employees are texting instead of working. He could have shot you a quick message that said, Gotta go, boss breathing down my neck. Talk later. He could have at least done that.

Sorry for what you are going through with your mother.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 5/22/2012 (11:53)
5/21/12 11:25 P

So sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like Jerry was testing you & hoping there would be 3 way action. You need to step back and find out how much Lisa knows. If Lisa usually inititates the get togethers then let her come to you and then just do it alone with her - lunch or dinner as someone else suggested. It will not be easy because Jerry stepped over the line. If you end up telling her then be prepared to lose her as a friend if she doesn't believe you. Ultimately, in agreement with all - don't text, things can get all mixed up in text & misunderstood.

Good Luck! Just concentrate on your mom now, be strong :)

CRYSTALDANCER SparkPoints: (105,309)
Fitness Minutes: (120,023)
Posts: 3,069
5/21/12 10:01 P

Get rid of those people.

I'm sorry your mother is in bad health, I pray she improves.

SERAPHGYRL SparkPoints: (4)
Fitness Minutes: (6,211)
Posts: 410
5/21/12 8:23 P

A note in agreement - I see nothing wrong with hanging out with guys just as friends without other females. I've had movie nights in pajamas with guys. If the guys are trustworthy friends, there isn't a single reason to be afraid. Heck, I've even had 'I need a shoulder to boo hoo on' parties, with too much wine, with my best guy friend and awakened on the couch, all tucked in...safely and soundly.

5/21/12 7:38 P

Thank you for the feedback.

You are all right about the texting, of course. It is a terrible way to communicate.

The more I think about it, the more I don't see how a friendship with Jerry (and likely Lisa) could be salvaged. Giving up on people you have been friends with for 3 years is not a snap decision, though. As awful as this incident was, there have been many, many more times when they have been wonderful supportive friends who I have counted among the best people in my life - and I have some pretty great people in my life.

I suppose that's part of why the whole situation feels like such a betrayal.

For Dan's part, we have been friends for much longer than we dated. He is recovering from a particularly nasty divorce and is lost. It makes him a bad boyfriend prospect, but not a bad person. I don't believe at all that he and Jerry might have conspired as some have suggested.

An update: Dan contacted me this morning. Apparently he is denser than I gave him credit for and did not "put two and two together". I spelled it out in plain language and he was very upset on my behalf.

That said, our relationship as friends is perhaps more complicated than it should be. I'm mourning the loss of my closest friends right now, so I don't know that going out and "getting new friends" will be as simple as you might think. I don't let down my guard easily - again, perhaps why this betrayal stings so much.

I do appreciate all of the support, though.

One last thought - I completely reject the idea that a woman cannot be safe in the company of male friends without another woman or a boyfriend/husband to chaperon. I have had a number of male friends in my life and to suggest they can't be trusted is offensive to every good man you have in your own life. Even Jerry, as unsavory as his behavior was, is not an inherently bad person and should not, as one respondent suggested, be compared to being in the company of a rapist. A man looking for an affair - definitely. But nothing more.

5/21/12 7:37 P


1st don't forget Dan was at work. It is hardly appropriate to engage in a serious conversation via text when your otherwise preoccupied. He may have been trying to give Jerry the benefit of the doubt but that doesn't mean he doesn't support you he just hasn't been given the time or information to digest the situation. I think you may be taking his comment to hard... what could he have really said? You don't want to go on the offensive so quickly. It's an uncomfortable topic that he might have been trying to gloss over until a more appropriate time.

2nd I would not tell Lisa. Don't speak to her a while and see if she comes to you. If she does that means Jerry hasn't told her the scenerio. Have a heart to heart with her and be merciful... she is going to want to resist the truth at first. Also don't be suprised if she becomes defensive (she will probably go for the juggular and question your sanity for having dinner with two men and no other witnesses) In all likelyhood you will lose her as a friend if she doesn't put Jerry to the curb.

Finally, I agree with others that texting is not a suitable forum for serious discussions. I also believe that Jerry was lying when he said him and his wife are swingers. He was just testing your interest in illicit sex.

So all and all, I would not give up on Dan or Lisa (if she willing) but Jerry is a jerk who spoiled your friendship. Good Luck!

Edited by: SYMPATHYDATE at: 5/21/2012 (19:38)
EVIE4NOW Posts: 26,695
5/21/12 7:21 P

I agree with the others.. cut your losses. Think of it this way, if you want the relationships to continue, they will think that you are condoning their behavior and don't mind being used and will continue this nonsense. And I certainly wouldn't contact anyyy of them first. If Lisa calls and wants to have lunch.. I'd go but I would be rather cool towards her until I found out the real story. This may have just been an excuse for him. Dan, well i guess time will tell but I wouldn't call him first either. ( ANDDD definitely not text any of them.) Like the others.. just my opinion.

Edited by: EVIE4NOW at: 5/21/2012 (19:22)
JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (555,123)
Fitness Minutes: (342,407)
Posts: 15,582
5/21/12 7:08 P

I would definitely find other friends.

FENWAYGIRL18 Posts: 5,868
5/21/12 7:05 P

HMMMMmmmmm I'm wondering myself how Dan knew about the few drinks and made that comment.... Is it possible happened between him and Jerry? or Lisa? I'd tell Lisa and then blow them all out of my life, these people aren't worth having as friends or lovers!
If that guy Dan had any respect for you at all he'd of still said something to Jerry in your defense after all real feelings don't just die (so he probably had none for you).
I also agree, swingers and I've known a few do stick together to swing as couples. What that guy was talking about was an affair!
Your very lucky to of gotten out of that house without being raped by those two (Bob and Jerry)....
I also think that is was poor judgement to go there and also poor judgement to give him even a careful hug goodnight. This guy was making it clear he wanted you, you don't give a careful hug saying good bye to a jerk like that.
I hope everything with your mom goes well and that god saves her for you to enjoy, but you need to get rid of these other 3 FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also texting is a no no!!!!!
People are so afraid to talk to one another now and we're becoming anti social and people are just heartless.
I think the worse thing that ever happened to society was the cell phone! They have made people rude, irresponsible, more accidents = more deaths on the roadways and kids aren't stopping to think before they send messages or pics for that matter and are having their lives ruined!
When you send a text u don't know the emotions behind it you have to guess, but that guy was clearly coming on to you and giving him a polite hug was sending the wrong message. i'd of gotten up and just left right there he had no regards for your feelings, when someone is making u uncomfortable you need to get up and leave not play nice.

5/21/12 6:12 P

Ditto DaisyAllen

MISSDAISY23 Posts: 15,880
5/21/12 5:58 P

Speaking from experience, my opinion is that everything happens for a reason. You are richer now in experience. You probably have not met the right guy yet. I know it is hard during a time like this but you have Spark People members support here. Take Care!

SERAPHGYRL SparkPoints: (4)
Fitness Minutes: (6,211)
Posts: 410
5/21/12 5:42 P

People have secrets and it's often uncomfortable and embarrassing when we learn about them. I can testify that it is possible to be friends with people for a long time, and feel like we know them well, and be blindsided.

You've survived cancer and you're back on your road to fitness You don't need your so-called friends. There are people who deserve you and, it would appear, these people don't.

JEANNEBOYD1 Posts: 482
5/21/12 3:59 P

I agree with the others. It's time to move on .

SWEETSUGAR7 Posts: 2,450
5/21/12 3:39 P

I would have a nice lunch with Lisa and talk with her. If you can find other ways to stay friends with her without the drama.

It was nice of Jerry to invite you to keep you company. Usually if it is guy and another guy that is when you say no but thank you for thinking of me. Or at least a public place so you can dash.

Loss of trust in all 3 is sad but you can also find other friends just as easy.

The Dan thing I would of never sent a text saying why won't you sleep with me but everybody wants too? For 1 your friend was drunk so it wasn't a compliment it was demeaning and makes you look like the next best thing when he is horny.

I would let things cool down and have a nice meal with Dan if you want to make things at least friendly. I would apologize for comparing him to others and that you will try harder to be a better person and make better choices. You want to be a guy because they like you and your character and can have fun but also be serious. Sex cannot be the center of any relationship. But can share your love and intimacy as your connect.

Or completely move forward and cut your losses and start something new and find other ways to meet nice people. Stronger longer relationships are key.

Good luck. I wouldn't put any of your conversations into text. If they mean something to you meet them in person and show them they mean something to you. Text are great if your about to meet someone or say a quick hello.

JANLUCY Posts: 1,524
5/21/12 2:04 P

Cut your losses. "Dan" isn't the kind of guy you need to build a good, happy relationship. Your couple friends -- well, the husband is a creep, and whether you tell her or not, your friendship with them will never be the same. You deserve better than this. Throw yourself into a new hobby or activity, and stay away from "Dan" and Jerry.

5/21/12 12:59 P

Call Lisa and tell her about her scummy husband. I think it is weird that she stayed on vacation and he came home.

Then kick all of them (including Lisa) to the curb!! "Dan" is an ass. Men (in my experience) only keep ex-girlfriends as "friends" to keep them warming on the back burner. Jerry and Lisa have a hot mess of a relationship and you do not need to be involved in any of that.

You have commited to a weight loss lifestyle change, now you need to do it with your personal life. Join a boot camp and make friends there, get a dog, go to a communtiy college and take a foreign language class, join eharmony....anything!!!

Drama = stress= weight gain, less sleeping, no motivation, etc.

Good luck. Mr. Right is out there and he will make it abundantly clear YOU are the one and worth the world!!!

TSISQUAUSDI Posts: 1,667
5/21/12 12:41 P

I agree with Fedgirl 4 - There are rules to "swinging" and Jerry is just a creep looking for an affair. If you'd have allowed Bob's advances, Jerry the creep would have wanted to watch or participate. Most likely, Lisa has no idea, and if she condones this behavior, she's just as sick as he is.

As for "Dan," honestly, he's Jerry's friend, not yours. You can do MUCH better.

FEDGIRL4 Posts: 2,180
5/21/12 12:31 P

I don't swing, but I do know swingers. Those couples always make sure they are together when they swap. What Jerry is talking about is an affair. Don't assume Lisa does not know or does not have intuition.

Take a step back and think about what you really want. With the words and actions that have already happened, do you want friends where there might continuously be tension in the air?

HAPPYWRITER7 Posts: 9,723
5/21/12 12:11 P

Dan's response to you was weird - ruin a fun night? Really? Youre confiding in him about what happened and that was his response. How much does he know about fun nights with Jerry? In anycase, I agree - text was no way to begin or end this situation. Poor Lisa just got caught up in your feelings of anger towards Jerry, feelings of abandonment by Dan (I think youre better off without him) and Lisa isnt a part of it at all. You dont even know if Jerry was telling the truth about their marriage. If in fact you do mention this to her - please do not text.

HONEYFLOWER43 Posts: 1,420
5/21/12 10:42 A

First and foremost you are a very lucky lady that Dan is no longer around, if he had your best interest at heart, he would have been there for you. Also treat you "Friends" like the plague, avoid them at all costs. There are plenty of normal people in this world, you can become friends with. If you try to explain anything to Lisa, the story will be that you came after her man. Concentrate on you and your mom. Oh, and if you need to say anything important, don't TEXT call.

Edited by: HONEYFLOWER43 at: 5/21/2012 (10:43)
SLUNDQUIS SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (16,189)
Posts: 1,044
5/21/12 10:15 A

I'd question how much Dan knew about the behavior of this couple, he may have been fine with it. These bahaviors are perverse and the Bible says to stay away from them. There are a lot of people out there who don't participate in and don't condone these behaviors. You need to get away from them to see clearly what God has for you, because He only wants the best for you. It sounds like this situation wasn't it.

307MOMMA Posts: 704
5/21/12 10:09 A

I agree, I don't think texting is a good way to communicate in a situation that's as intense as this one seems to be. But I do think what happened should be communicated to Lisa, whether or not you two remain friends after you were to tell her only time will tell but she shouldn't be left in the dark about it.

LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 25,790
5/21/12 9:58 A

Texting is NOT the way to handle these things!

DMJAKES Posts: 1,635
5/21/12 9:24 A

If it was me, I'd drop all 3 of them as "friends", and in the future I'd make sure all important conversations are either in person or at the very least via phone. Texting, to me, is making people numb to voice inflection, body language, and the "reading between the lines" that comes with it.

Be glad you found about Dan's feelings before you got in any deeper than you did. Pick yourself up, shake off the dust, and look toward the future. Focus on your mom and your family and in time this situation will become less painful.

Wow.....that's just plain weird. I'm very sorry about your mom and hope things work out.

CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
5/21/12 6:59 A

This is one of the prime reasons I hate trying to sort things out via text, rather than either phone (where a person can actually hear the person's voice inflection), or a face-to-face.

Many problems can ensue.

I'm sorry for your situation, and the troubles you've been enduring.
I hope and pray your mother improves.

Hopefully stepping back and thinking about things might help you sort it through in your mind, but I'm not sure, and things may never improve. I know that sounds terrible, but there are certain things in life that just don't get a second chance. I hope that is not your situation, if you wish to continue a friendship with these people.

5/21/12 2:23 A

This month has been more than I think I can handle.

A month ago the man I had been dating ("Dan") suddenly broke up with me because he "wasn't ready for a relationship". We have been really amazing friends for nearly a year, though, and didn't want to lose that so we are trying the "friends only" bit. We are also really good friends with another couple (Lisa and Jerry), getting together about once a week for dinner at either my house, Dan's house, or their house.

I have been friends with Lisa and Jerry for over three years. When I introduced Dan and Jerry they hit it off like gangbusters, quickly becoming such close friends Lisa and I joked about their "bromance". The day Dan suddenly broke it off, Lisa and Jerry were the people I turned to for support. All four of us stayed friends.

Around the same time Dan ended it, my mother's health took a turn for the worse and I have been pretty shut down while trying to deal with the likelihood that I may lose her. Dan has been a great friend, though, very supportive, and I have to admit I hadn't quite given up hope he would work out his baggage and we would get back together. It was also harder because Lisa and Jerry went on vacation for two and half weeks and I didn't have a lot of other people I could lean on for support.

Last week Jerry came back from vacation while Lisa stayed for an extra week. A few days ago he invited me over for dinner with him and a friend who was visiting so I wouldn't have to eat alone. When I got there Jerry's friend (Bob) kept hitting on me. I was polite, but made it clear I wasn't interested. Bob finally went to bed after he tried to kiss me while Jerry was in the other room and I very firmly turned him down. Then it got weird...

Keep in mind Jerry and Lisa and I have been close friends for over 3 years. I've always had the impression the Jerry is somewhat attracted to me, but I've been very clear that it's not mutual. Truthfully, I probably wouldn't have gone over for dinner without Lisa there if he hadn't mentioned another person would also be there. Damn me for not listening to my intuition!

Long story short, Jerry had quite a bit to drink and told me he and Lisa are swingers and he wanted to... well, you get the picture. I tried to diffuse the situation as gracefully as possible, telling him that I wasn't interested and that while he might think it would be fun, it would ruin our friendship. He also confessed to feeling unsatisfied with Lisa, to which I suggested they see a therapist because they have a wonderful relationship worth saving. I gave him a careful hug and said goodnight. It wasn't easy to convince him to let go, but he didn't try to kiss me, thank god!

When I woke up in the morning, the full impact of what happened hit me and I felt incredibly depressed. I sent Dan a cryptic text along the lines of "why are you the only man I know who DOESN'T want to sleep with me? I'm hiding under a rock! :( " and spent the next two days keeping very busy.

Today Dan sent me a text (he was at work) and asked if I was ready to come out from under my "rock" wanted to come over to view the eclipse and have dinner. I said that sounded like fun. He then suggested we invite Jerry and Lisa to join us. I sent back, "Jerry got very drunk when I was there for dinner the other night... not sure I'm ready to hang out... can we invite another couple this week?". Dan is no dummy and put two and two together and said, "Those mixed drinks can ruin a fun night". That was around 2PM.

That was the last I heard from him. He never responded to my follow up text asking if he thought I was out of line for suggesting another couple (I know! I'm so darned co-dependent! Of course I wasn't out of line to say I needed a breather from Jerry's inappropriate behavior!).

Finally, after about 5 hours of silence I sent Dan a text that said, "When you suddenly stop talking to me I feel like you think it was my fault. I KNOW I didn't do anything to encourage Jerry's behavior. If you think I did, then you don't really know me."

I feel terrible. I'm so mad at Jerry for making me uncomfortable. I'm so mad at Dan for giving me the silent treatment WHEN I'M NOT THE ONE WHO ACTED BADLY! I don't know how I'm going to talk to Lisa again - even if Jerry was telling the truth and she is okay with his "extra-curricular activities". I feel like I just lost my three closest friends in one fell swoop.

I also feel like I've been treated pretty shabbily and maybe I should just wash my hands of all of them.

It helps to type it all out, but I would also like an outside opinion on this whole crappy mess. My life isn't normally this dramatic and I feel like I've lost my footing. :(

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