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She loves me but she's not "In Love" with me



 
 
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DAWNDREGER
Posts: 303
1/2/12 5:15 P

Just a random idea that popped into my head. I may totally be waaaay off with this, but I wonder what kind of a marriage her parents had? Maybe they had this kind of a platonic roommate type relationship. From watching my married friends, I've seen that they often unintentionally repeat their parents' mistakes, even when they swore up and down they'd do the opposite because they experienced how harmful those behaviours were. It takes a major investment, some pretty uncomfortable soul-searching, and a whole lotta time to make changes there. Just an idea...



DAWNDREGER
Posts: 303
1/2/12 5:08 P

I admire your willingness to take the long view and not expect drastic change overnight. Miracles do happen...and often, I think they happen so slowly we don't realize it.



SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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Posts: 2,215
1/2/12 10:28 A

Wow so many comments! Thank you all for your great advice. I just wanted to give another update.
Things are going really well with us since we had our little blow up. As I mentioned before, she is making a really strong effort to be more affectionate with me and I feel a lot more appreciated now. I'm quite content in where we are right now which is something that I couldn't say a month ago.
Thanks again for your support. I hope that this thread can find someone else on SP and provide them with the help that they are looking for.
Take care and Happy New Years everyone.



HEATH592
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Posts: 86
1/1/12 2:59 A

Hi Sukoto,

Sorry to hear about your problems. The one question I didn't see asked was, when was the last time your wife (and you) had a physical? My mom had endometriosis so bad that intercourse was extremely painful for her. She was not diagnosed until I was about 5 or 6 and she said her whole world improved after a hysterectomy. I would also find out about other chemical in-balances such as thyroid, etc. I agree with the postpartum depression. Are you planning on having more kids? She may not want to get pregnant again.
Best of luck.



PUDDLEBY
Posts: 282
12/31/11 12:58 P

Hi Sukoto
I hope your new arrangement is still working out ok for you both. I have a friend in a very similar situation. They have been married for 23 years, have great kids, a great house and in all appearances seem very happy. But my girlfriend said that they are the "best of friends" only and have been that way for about ten years. They still live together and parent together, but basically live their own lives.

This situation has some ups and downs. She travels a lot and I know her husband feels like he is being "used" sometimes. She has her freedom (and has had relationships with other men) while he is at home looking after the kids. But he loves his kids and doesn't want to leave the house. But he feels like he hasn't got total freedom either. It is tricky. Although it has worked ok for 10 years, and he has had another relationship outside the marriage (which didn't work out partially because of his girlfriend's feeling about his living arrangement), he is feeling a bit resentful now and thinking about getting his own place. I think you will have similar ups and downs in this situation. You will know what is right for you, and that may change with time.

Staying "in love" doesn't just happen. It is hard work when you have lived together for a long time. Do you think your wife knows that? Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be and I agree that counselling is a good idea. No matter what, you can only control yourself. I remember a counsellor telling me that marriage is like a bridge, and it doesn't matter how strong one side is, it needs the other to keep it intact.






JELLAJIGGLES
Posts: 757
12/30/11 6:49 P

Sukoto~

I have been in a very very very similar situation. My husband has some depression, and during his bouts with it, he withdrawls all affection. I l know how challenging it can be.

Try counseling for yourself. I swear, it has made a tremendous difference for me.

Also I'm really proud of you for looking at yourself, and thinking of how you need to be more husband and less boyfriend. It can be really hard to be lonely in a marriage, and to look at yourself. I swear, work on yourself and it really can improve.

I like the previous posters comments~

"I believe relationships are cyclical. They rise and fall; in intimacy, love, and dedication. I believe you are openly dealing with your marriage and it can lead to a long marriage if you both choose to allow it to change together."

Like!!!



VLKSHA
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12/30/11 3:53 P

Because marriage is a lifelong commitment, I believe it is essential to remember that it will continually change. I believe relationships are cyclical. They rise and fall; in intimacy, love, and dedication. I believe you are openly dealing with your marriage and it can lead to a long marriage if you both choose to allow it to change together.



KRISTINE99
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Posts: 182
12/30/11 3:31 A

Sukoto, I wish you luck on resolving issues in your marriage.

Keep in mind, I'm no relationship guru, but I get the sense that your wife is your "everything" and vice versa. You mention that you try to give your wife the opportunity to socialize outside the house, but that she is a homebody. As others have noted, you wife seems overwhelmed by several aspects in her life.

I know couples who are each other's best friends and have a healthy relationship, but other couples tend to get suffocated, overwhelmed, or even resentful. If the latter is your situation, I think it's great that you're making efforts to make new friends and to try new things and places.

I also recommend couples therapy. And if your wife absolutely refuses to go, then go on your own to get a better handle on what direction you need to take.

Any relationship takes work, but it's also good to have a breaking point in mind. As one of the previous posters said, "A good divorce is much better than a bad marriage."

Edited by: KRISTINE99 at: 12/30/2011 (03:32)


LITTLEMOMJ
Posts: 465
12/28/11 3:43 P

I read this when it was originally posted, but I didn't reply because I didn't think I have anything helpful.

I still don't think I can be helpful.

All I want to say is that I understand your situation and what you're going through. I am in the same scenario. I don't know what happened between me and my husband. I know I'm not to blame and I know I've done everything possible to make repairs.

I also know that staying married is, at least for me, the best solution in this very confusing situation.

I'm hoping that someday, eventually, we will be looking back on this as "that weird couple years we had when we were young". Life tends to be long sometimes. I think back to some unbearable things I went through as a teenager and they seem so distant and unimportant now.

Maybe that's what marriage is all about - going through the bad times and still being there on the other side.

Sorry I have no advice. Just letting you know you're not the only one.



WILLBEFANCY
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Posts: 3
12/7/11 5:02 P

Hey Sukoto -

As a child of divorce, I have to tell you, my parents are better friends now than they have ever been, and are both happily remarried. I don't say this to encourage you to give up on your marriage, but to let you know that children pick up on things! I know that my parents were miserable together, and better parents apart. While this may not apply specifically to your situation, I just hope you don't feel that you are doing something wrong by your kids to pursue your own happiness; after all, I'm sure that's what you would wish for them.

You sounds like a great guy who is willing to sacrifice for his relationships. It is not too much to ask for the same in return. Your wife, your children, and yourself are entitled to the best, and I wish it for all of you.



ERIGUST
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Posts: 503
12/7/11 1:18 A

Sukoto, I'm glad things are making way for the better. While you can't change a non cuddler into a cuddler, she can certainly make the choice to show more affection, and it sounds like she has started some of that. I highly suggest counseling while you are in a better place (like, right now!) you are obviously very intelligent and reasonable and seem to see the whole picture. I love that you can point out the problems as you see it without assigning blame. I hope you can work through this together, I do hope you gain the intimacy in your marriage, that is SO mportant. I wish more husbands and daddies were like you.



MATRIX0507
Posts: 31
12/6/11 4:13 P

How can you be sure she won't be using the new found "resolution" to go out there and find another guy? I know you have the freedom to do the same but trust me, it's a lot easier for women. It's almost like you haven't even considered that possibility or just haven't posted it here.

Regardless, She sounds (very) un happy and my guess is this new affection towards you is reactionary. Dollars to donuts (er..celery) she's back to her old ways within half a year.

That said, I'm not going to sit here and type out some sort of solution because I don't have one. I just don't see the current steps taken as very healthy. However, therapy for you or you both sounds like a step in the right direction.

I'm a guy btw, so perhaps this could be your "guy lounge" as suggested below.

PS: What was up with sunshine? You are not grossly over weight...not grossly over weight at all :D



BRITOMART
Posts: 7,361
12/6/11 4:03 P

Seeds have to die before a new plant grows...in this context, that means that both of you will probably have to make and accept changes to have your marriage continue to grow.

I think a lot of marriages get stuck in one pattern, rather than growing as relationships naturally do.

I hope you and your wife keep communicating--and being honest--each with yourself and with each other. Blow-ups can be the most beneficial things--if not used too often. All the best.



SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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Posts: 2,215
12/6/11 11:27 A

Wow, Loveforkitties, you've made some strong points but also you've made a few unfair assumptions. I don't overwhelm my wife with physical affection or demands for physical affection. On the contrary, I respect the fact that she isn't a "Cuddly" person and almost never initiate affection because I know that she will push me away. I also sleep in a separate bedroom so I don't pressure her for intimacy. It's sad really, because I used to be more "Cuddly" and I loved the intimacy that we had when we first got married.

I know that being a "Mom" is her new role and I respect that. I don't expect her to be the keeper of the house and maybe my wording of "Helping" was incorrectly used. I do a lot around the house and I take care of the kids a lot. I'm sure my wife would not contest the amount of work I do in the home and how much I look after the kids.

As for her free time, I always encourage her to go out with friends but she prefers to stay home with the kids. My time out of the house will have no impact on her social life.

I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself here...I haven't done anything wrong.

Anyway, I thought I would provide an update to this original posting.

Things are actually going really well. We haven't argued since the "blow up" last week and she's been volunteering more little signs of affection. I think she saw how I was feeling and has sort of realized that I am a part of the family and not just someone to help her look after the house and kids. I feel more respected and cared for and that was what I was really hoping would happen. While it sucks that intimacy seems so far away, I'm taking baby steps at rekindling my marriage. It really seems like less is more with her. She doesn't want me to do things for her, she wants me to do things for the family and in do so she is happy. This is going to take time for me to adapt to because I love doing things for her that I think will make her happy.

Anyway, I want to thank you all for your help and advice.
This is still hope.






LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,797
12/2/11 4:55 P

SUKOTO,
I'm not sure how to say this, but, I think that you need to do a little work on seeing things from your wife's perspective instead of thinking that the problem is that she doesn't see things from your perspective. It sounds to me like your wife is overwhelmed and that she is also hurt. As someone mentioned, she may be depressed. From what I've seen, having kids often does lead to a woman's primary role being "mom" and the role of wife gets left behind...being a mom IS a huge, huge role...a ton of work and responsibility. Something disturbing that I've noticed is the number of men who end up calling their wives "Mom." Ummm....
emoticon

So far as your wife not showing you physical affection, have you considered that this (for many women) is something that comes about as a RESULT of a happy marriage where the woman feels safe, loved and valued? I've noticed that men can see things differently and may feel that physical affection LEADS to a happy marriage... How are you showing your wife that you love her? Physical affection (or attempts at such) may not be what she needs from you to feel loved. In fact, insisting upon physical affection from her may actually make her feel alienated/hurt even more. She may need you to show your love for her in other ways and she may need YOU to do this (a lot) before she will feel safe/loved enough to be open to physical affection.

You talk about feeling free and about having time to go to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. Are you ensuring that your wife also has time to do these things? What about spending time together, without the kids, just having fun (not romantic type stuff or things that focus on her giving you physical affection or pressure her to do so, just time together having fun)?

You talk about "helping" out a lot with the housework. Why do you see it as "helping" your wife around the house and not as something that's part of what you're responsible for? Do you see the housework as her responsibility and see the things you do around the house as a favor to her? If so, why? If she works outside of the house (and it sounds like she works in the evenings), you should be responsible for 1/2 of all the housework/child rearing. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's not "helping," it's your responsibility. Even if your wife didn't work outside of the home, she would deserve equal time off in the evenings/on the weekends.


You say that you wife knows that you "could look for someone new at any time." I'm just not sure what to say about this. How do you know that your wife knows this? Is this something that you've said to her (hopefully, not)? How do you think this makes her feel? I'm betting that this doesn't make her feel very secure. You've said that you've told her that she could make your marriage "safe" by giving you hugs, etc. Maybe she needs to know that your marriage IS safe before she will want to do this and not feel, for lack of a better word, forced to give physical affection for safety.

I hope this hasn't come across as harsh (it's not meant that way), but I just thought that maybe you needed to think about your wife's perspective here. I think that, for a lot of women, physical affection is something that comes about as a RESULT of feeling loved, safe, secure and valued.

It does sound like counseling would help you guys. But, as someone else said, the first counselor may not be the right one. Even if your wife won't go, it would probably be a good idea for you to start going without her. BUT, don't find a counselor who will help you to focus more on you and what you need without considering your wife and her needs.

Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 12/2/2011 (17:24)


SUECHRIS50
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Posts: 3,203
11/30/11 11:16 P

I am so sad for the pain and emotional time you are going through!Take it from me when i say that im a witness of my parents marriage being the same way.Mom loved us kids but,if my father had been ANYTHING like you,they would have made it!He was selfish,angry,abusive,gave zero hugs or kisses,hated his kids to have any fun.He loved mom but,blamed her for having us kids.She didnt take care of herself he said or she wouldnt have let US happen!When the tough got going he ran as fast as he could.You are quite an amazing man and I want to say that you demand she get counseling or you will leave.You deserve LOVE to give and recieve it and dont wait for her if she doesnt want it.Those precious kids see all and know all.Never let them forget you love them...my prayers are with you...keep up that chin! Life is too short,not being loved is not an option!I have been married 34 years and have been loved everyday of it.You can too!
PS... emoticon SUSAN

Edited by: SUECHRIS50 at: 11/30/2011 (23:17)


MCFHARPIST
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Posts: 1,381
11/30/11 9:18 P

That's a huge step for your wife! I wish more women could wrap their arms around the fact that good, decent men are basically simple (and I don't mean dumb) beings. If we just give them a few minutes (or even a few seconds) of our time, it makes all the difference to a heart and a soul. Take care, SUKOTO.



SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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Posts: 2,215
11/30/11 9:06 P

She actually surprised me with a hug before she went to work this evening. That's something she's never done without me asking her for one. It totally made my day!



ATHENA1966
Posts: 2,250
11/30/11 8:42 P

I would never give anyone advice regarding marriage or divorce. At the end of the day you and your family have to live with your choices. I have been married for 27 years. There are always challenges as you both change. Please just keep communicating. I wish you both the best.



SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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11/30/11 6:35 P

It's crazy but things aren't that bad. We are basically back to normal right now... emoticon
I am sure my feelings of neglect will come back again but I am still getting her normal attention and I'm actually content.
It's like the process of letting her know how I felt and her being honest with my about her feelings have liberated me. She knows that I could look for someone new at any time but I likely won't. Not right now anyway.
At least we don't hate each other and argue. We are pleasant with each other, eat dinner together and generally get along. Like I said, we have been this way for the past 4-5 years so this isn't such a big change for me. The only difference right now is I feel so free!
I'm going to start going to the gym and I'm excited to be able to hang out with friends more often and go biking a lot more in the spring/summer.
Thanks again for your support.




IVYLASS
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11/30/11 6:17 P

Just get the divorce. This arrangement isn't fair to your boys and will be confusing to them.



SPORTSGIRL30
Posts: 1,428
11/29/11 7:37 P

Thinking of you, SUKOTO. Sending you strength and lots of positive vibes. Please keep us updated.



MCFHARPIST
SparkPoints: (35,169)
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Posts: 1,381
11/29/11 12:02 P

A good divorce is way better than a bad marriage. Sounds like you are having a divorce within your marriage. Hope it works out.

Through it all, Spark On!



BYEPOUNDS
Posts: 5,729
11/29/11 2:28 A

wishing you the best and thanks for sharing



SEAJESS
SparkPoints: (36,987)
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11/29/11 1:01 A

Oh, I am so sad to read this.

I am certain that your thoughtful exploration will lead you to the answers that are right for you and your children and your wife.



SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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Posts: 2,215
11/28/11 10:30 P

I just wanted to provide a followup to my marital situation. My wife and I have been doing some serious talking and we have reached somewhat of an agreement. We will continue to live together so that we can both raise the kids but we will be in "Separeted" status. This means that I can take more time for myself and start making friends outside of the marriage and we can continue to enjoy all that we've worked so hard for over the years.

This isn't 100% ideal for me but it will keep her happy, the kids happy and I get to keep all of my toys.

I think in our talks she is starting to see things a little more from my perspective and it seems like she is making a bit more of an effort to open up with me.

I can't expect her to flip a switch and suddenly fall in love with me so this compromise will have to do, at least for the time being.

Thanks again to everyone (except sunshine...wtf! emoticon ) for all of ypur support. I'll likely be back for more in the months to come.
Take care.



MAMA_CD
Posts: 1,479
11/27/11 4:03 P

So sad, the seven year itch, when many relationships get a little stagnant. Trying to bring romance back in the relationship may help, counseling would be great even if only for yourself. It takes effort to keep a relationship vibrant, and should she decide to end it the consequences are far reaching for all of you. Sharing here was a first step, and I'm glad that you felt safe to do so.



COWGRRRL
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11/27/11 1:05 A

It sounds like Sunshine is either a troll or an idiot. Either way, ignore that comment. How crazy.

Anyway, I agree that seeking your own help is a good idea. The fact of the matter is that if things are rocky you'll need support of your own even if your wife doesn't want to do it.
Secondly, seek solace in your friends. Sometimes it's hard to admit to outsiders that our marriages aren't working or that they're on the rocks. You'd be suprised how often a friend will say "Oh I'm going through the same thing!". Us sparkies are here for you too :)

I won't offer any other advice because I know that with everyone their situation is different. What I WILL say is to hang in there. Things may not get better straight away or you may even end up in a totally different place. But I've found that no matter how bad things have gotten for me in the past (and I've lived through some pretty similar situations) they ALWAYS get better. *hugs*



ERIGUST
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Posts: 503
11/26/11 6:24 P

Hey sunshine! Before you write those kind of things maybe you should check your facts first. He is not "grossly overweight" and in fact is quite attractive. Check out the photos! She is a lucky girl as far as I can tell, any man who is willing and wanting to make his marriage work gets a gold star in my book.



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,829
11/26/11 5:48 P

"First I see you are grossly overweight, which turns off a lot of women."
Sunshine, I don't think that comment is nice or accurate. Did you even look at his photo?



IVYLASS
SparkPoints: (109,062)
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11/26/11 5:30 P

If she won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. No, it is not normal for married couples to lose interest after a few years of marriage. Yes, you will have ups and downs, but the closeness doesn't go away.

Please consider your boys. One of the things you need to consider is what you are teaching them. Is this the type of marriage you want them to have? By staying in a "roommate" type relationship, you are modeling to them what marriage looks like.




CIRCE_NOT_XL
Posts: 76
11/26/11 10:02 A

First of, Sukoto, GOOD FOR YOU in looking for help and advice. So many men try to suffer in silence when they don't have to. I'm glad that you're not.

Second: Ignore Sunshine down there.

To the rest: As a woman who has been the 'cold' one in her marriage, I can say that sometimes being asked for affection can seem overwhelming and impossible. I, myself, have clinical depression so it can be hard for me to want to touch any other person and, when I don't want to touch anybody, I still have to make sure that I'm affectionate to the kids. It can be exhausting! It's much better with medication. I suggest that you see if your wife is willing to see a doctor about possibly being depressed. It's not always about feeling 'sad'. Mine manifests as fatigue and feeling overwhelmed by things that should make me feel that way.

I'd also like to point out that your wife hasn't left (and has now agreed to see somebody with you). That actually says a lot...it says there is still hope in her to fix things, that she still wants to stay. If she hasn't made you sleep on the couch, if she still sleeps beside you, it says something. Sometimes you have to look at the small details in your life to get a better handle on the bigger picture.

No matter what I wish you both luck in this. Marriage is hard, it is constant work, but it is so wonderful. May you find peace and happiness.



SUNSHINE6442
Posts: 1,749
11/26/11 9:33 A

I am no expert, but your wife sounds overwhelmed. First I see you are grossly overweight, which turns off a lot of women. Start eating low glycemic foods like apples, pears, peaches, plums, cherries and all sorts of berries. Eat turkey, chicken, cornished hens, fish, sadines, and up your fiber with brown or wild rice, black beans, fave beans, garbanzo beans, salad greens, cucumbers, tomatoes, matchstick carrots with cottage cheese, zucchini, califlower, brocolli and pay attention to portion sizes..start walking and ask her to walk with hyou and your kids after dinner. No bananas, pineapple, watermelon, peas as they are high in sugar.
Get in maid service to help her out, it's cheaper than a divorce, and she will have more time to spend quality time with the kids. Good luck!



KTISFOCUSED
Posts: 1,479
11/26/11 7:46 A

One other thing I might suggest is a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, a Christian counselor. Although this book discusses very serious situations, one thing it does address very well is sometimes when someone is overly needy and puts up with bad treatment, the other sort of loses respect for them. So I like the post that talked about taking care of yourself. Not that I don't agree 100% with becoming more of a husband/father but this might be another element that may or may not help. Dr. Dobson is an amazing author who writes books on relationships, child rearing, etc. and I've found his books to be very helpful over the years. Good luck to you both. There is also a weekend program called Retrouvaille that is great for healing marriages but unfortunately, depending upon where you live, maybe not be available. Just know many of us has "been there, done that" and if you both work at it and love each other, you can get through this and emerge with an even stronger marriage so hang in there and take it "one day at a time"



BRITOMART
Posts: 7,361
11/22/11 8:56 P

I like your insight about the need to shift out of 'boyfriend'--and I'd add "husband" to your "dad" categories--wives want husbands, not just boyfriends/lovers, and the differences are many (but some are very subtle). I wish you success. You are both still THERE, and trying, and that's good.



ARCHIMEDESII
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11/22/11 10:20 A

SUKOTO,

I'm glad your wife has decided to try to make things work. I thought about something that might be helpful. All of the folks who replied to your post are women. You may find a guy's point of view helpful too. That's why I'm going to recommend you try posting some questions about relationships over in the "guy's lounge". There is a section of the Message Boards called Support Groups. That's where the guy's lounge is.

You may find talking with other Spark men (married, divorced, single) to be helpful.

Best of luck ! I hope things work out for you.






SUKOTO
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11/22/11 10:15 A

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support yesterday. The wife and I are going to continue to work on this "Slowly" and really focus on family. I think there is a bit of growing up that I need to do right now and that involves me getting out of "Boyfriend" mode and into "Dad" mode. Right now the kids needs should be coming first and I have recognized this. The wife is also realizing how her cold-heartedness is affecting me and she's working on it. I don't expect change to happen overnight but at least we are both aware of the issues at hand.
It's so great knowing that I can bring issues like these to SP and get great advice so quickly.
Thanks a lot SP!



ROOSTER72
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11/22/11 1:35 A

Ask her what she needs.
Ask her often.

Looking after kids can be so full on, and it doesn't give you a chance to think about anything else. If she needs a night out with her friends, or an afternoon off or whatever - you might find that she gets a chance to think - and start to sort herself out. Either way - it sounds like it can't continue as it is.

Good luck with this tricky time






MICHCLEARY
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11/21/11 10:29 P

So sorry for your distress. I would encourage you to go to counseling on your own even if she won't go. Work on making sure you are healthy and working towards your goals. If she sees you putting in the effort, maybe it will cause her to reconsider her position.

Focus for a while on your kids and making sure you have a very strong relationship with them. The are very young, and impressionable.

You're facing life altering decisions, and those should never be made in haste.



ATHENA1966
Posts: 2,250
11/21/11 5:43 P

Even if she won't go, you go. It won't be easy. You need someone to help you sort through this. I hope this all works out for you. I agree kids need both parents, but you need to be happy as well.



RUNNER12COM
Posts: 5,440
11/21/11 5:18 P

Counseling really is a great idea. Start going for yourself, even if she won't go with you. That will at least help you sort out how you are feeling.



TWINKLETERESA
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Posts: 124
11/21/11 4:46 P

My heart goes out to you! Relationship issues are always (for me) the hardest thing to talk about. Please don't be embarrassed, congratulate yourself for your honesty and your strength for reaching out. I really can not add much more to the counseling end of this thread, except to say, I think it is wise to go to counseling for yourself. I think it is important to look at at a situation where we are unhappy and see why we are willing to accept this situation. Self love will promote a healthier attraction to you in all areas of your life. I admire you for asking for help. Take care of yourself and everything will follow suit, if does not, then that is OK too! At least you will have the tools to cope! All the best to you!



FEDGIRL4
Posts: 1,868
11/21/11 3:11 P

I agree with the marriage counseling portion. Eventhough your wife said it won't do any good and she does not want to go, sometimes people say things in the middle of frustration or a fight that they do not mean. Try the other suggestion of a minister and also doing something as a team.

Why is it embarrasing? Because you're a guy? Guys have feelings too.

Something struck me as odd. Your emotional relationship went downhill around the time your first child was conceived. At first I was thinking post partum depression. Sometimes it lasts for years. But it is her unwillingness to help the relationship at all. I have to wonder, did she want to be married and have kids? Some folks just do what they think they should do. I think there is something she is not telling you.

I'm with Archimedes on, after everything is said, done, and tried, don't stay in an unhappy marriage. For years, I begged my parents to divorce. That would have been easier.

I wish you luck and am sorry you are going through this.



STACYB703
Posts: 13
11/21/11 2:33 P

I'm so sorry for your trouble right now. Seven years was difficult for us too. Is there a shared project like raking leaves, stripping wallpaper or something like that you could do together? Send the sweeties out to grandma's and do an active activity together. Sometimes being a "team" helps.
In regards to the counseling, is there another person who may be helpful, yet not a counselor? Such as a minister, wise older friend, etc? Your wife may consider that. You could also see if she would try counseling once, just for you. Be aware, though, sometimes the first counselor you try may not be a good fit--if it isn't, the office will let you try another and the first counselor isn't hurt, she/he wants to help you, not build their client list.
You can go to counseling yourself about this problem--and let her know you are going. It may help you understand your feelings about this and may help you see the problems more clearly.

Peace, Stacy



ARCHIMEDESII
SparkPoints: (135,858)
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Posts: 20,199
11/21/11 1:33 P

Hi, SUKOTO... I'm so sorry that you're doing through this rough time in your relationship. You shouldn't have to suck up anything.

Before anyone gives up on the marriage, have you considered seeking marriage counseling ? Is your wife willing to seek professional help ? If she's willing to get some counseling, it could be helpful to have an unbiased opinion. a lot of marriages have been saved with counseling.

Maybe you both need some time alone away from the kids. When people become parents, it makes it difficult to have time together as a couple. Could the grandparents watch the kids for a weekend ? You may need a few weekends to work things out, but having some time alone without kids might her remember why you got married. it might be a way to rekindle the romance.

Personally, I don't believe people should be in an unhappy marriage. it's bad for you both as well as the kids. the kids notice everything. They're going to start feeling the stress at some point.

For now, if you want to save the marriage, I would recommend getting some marriage counseling if your wife is willing.


emoticon

Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 11/21/2011 (13:34)


SUKOTO
SparkPoints: (56,311)
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Posts: 2,215
11/21/11 1:12 P

It's embarrassing writing this on here but I'm going to because maybe someone out there has some helpful information.

In a nutshell, I've been married for 7 years and together we have 2 wonderful boys (3 & 5). Pretty much from the time my first son was conceived, our emotional relationship went downhill. We have no love life and she tells me "I don't have those feelings for you anymore and I don't think I ever will". She says, "I know that all you want is some affection but I can't do it."
My response was, "If you know that all you had to do was give me a hug or a kiss every now and then, then I would be happy and our marriage would be safe". She says she can't do it.
I know she isn't having an affair and I've never cheated on her. I help around the house a ton, I look after the kids all the time and I don't mistreat anyone in the family.

I did some searching online and it appears that this is a VERY common thing to happen between married couples. Everyone suggests counselling but she doesn't want to go. She says it won't change anything.

I really don't want a divorce because I love her and I don't want to leave my boys. I think it's so important for them to have 2 parents raise them. A divorce will mess them up but so will having 2 unhappy parents.

Should I just suck it up and face the fact that I have a family now and not a wife/partner?

Help?
I know I'm not alone on this one.



 
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