I really really understand your feelings and thinking. It took me three months to get the Spark set to weight loss. I just maintained those 12 weeks until I got my eating sorted out. I then lost a whoppin' 10lbs the next months so I guess there were great things going on inside my body as I adjusted my diet and exercise to hit the weight loss zone. Also I joined the gym about a month later and my weight loss stopped and I gained 2lbs. It's taken another few weeks to get that 'gain' removed and back on the downward track (for now). I found this Spark article the most helpful of all explaining weight gain and loss. www.sparkpeople.com/community/ask_the_expe
I heard this great idea that I try to use (try is the imperative word here). If I was a camera man I could take an up close shot of a scene, a medium focus shot that included a wide angle or a long range shot that included a panoramic view. In life we do this. We get stuck in the close up view and forget the medium and long term view. I try to remember that today's scale results are just the close up of a panoramic view of my whole life. When I pull the focus back out a bit I get perspective and that helps me, a lot!
Something else that I heard in your despair was that you have had to fore go your coping mechanisms (drinking, diet drinks, vegging out) and that it is really unfair that you haven't been compensated with weight loss. I so so so understand this feeling. It's bad enough to have to fore go our comforts but to then not get anything in return...well stuff this! I think like that anyway ;-) I have been working on what comfort means to me. It has meant things that haven't been good for me in the past (drinking, eating, zoning out). But I need comfort just as much as anyone else. If I don't get it from drinking, eating, sugar, lying on the couch, what will replace it? Only you know what will comfort you. But do comfort yourself even if you haven't lost the weight you wish. You need comfort that soothes you without harming you. Spark has so many articles on the stress, emotional, behavioral issues that effect permanent weight loss. Check out Coach Dean articles. He rocks!
And my heart goes out to you. You aren't alone. And a final quote I read this week, "That which is most personal, is most universal." We get it.