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SOS... Help with divorce



 
 
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STLCARDSFANS05
Posts: 916
8/7/12 8:56 A

counseling and an actual support group. your counselor or the local counseling center can help you find one that is a good fit



TRACYMT2NY
SparkPoints: (5,392)
Fitness Minutes: (5,626)
Posts: 236
8/6/12 10:19 A

That is awesome that he moved out! I just worry that he knows your whereabouts. Please stay safe and keep us posted on how you are doing! You deserve the best!



KLUTERACOON
Posts: 90
8/3/12 6:26 P

I just wanted to post an update.

My husband has moved out, I have started seeing a couselor, and I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday to get the divorce paper work started.

I have gotten soo much support from friends and the people on SP. I honestly don't think I would be where I am if it wasn't for the people on SP. I have been blogging every day about my experiences and my healing process.

Things aren't anywhere close to settle but I can say this. I have the healthiest habits that I have ever had in my entire life. I'm starting to find joy in things, and I am starting to put the pieces of my life back into place. I have good days and I have bad days. But "I'm treading water" as my couselor would say. I'm not sinking.

Again THANK YOU!! for all of your support



JADOMB
SparkPoints: (74,844)
Fitness Minutes: (19,493)
Posts: 1,623
8/3/12 4:40 P

I can't really add too much to all the good advice you have gotten here. I am so sorry for you and others that have to have such a dismal time in your life. NO ONE DESERVES THAT. Just know that it needs not be a trend or snapshots of things to come. My first wife was what they call in the NAVY as a WestPac Widow. Which means that when I was gone, she was out messing around. So it doesn't matter what the reason or who is doing the deed, it just isn't what marriage is all about. And one needs to get away from any BAD relationship that is in no way FIXABLE.

I did get out of it and then later found the love of my life and the mother of my two children. I have pretty much forgotten that dark point in my life and have so many positive memories now to bury them. So there is light after dark. My prayers are with you.



EBONYSOL
Posts: 2,190
8/2/12 4:36 A

Hi,
Sometimes what we need most is the strength to do what needs to be done. So make sure you eat and sleep. If you have to sleep in a different room then so be it. He might curse about it but you need your strength.
Does he drink? If so, the verbal abuse can turn to physical at the flick of a switch.
While I agree about getting counseling, I think a lawyer is what you need first. The lawyer will counsel you and ensure you get what is owed to you.
Good luck. Be strong. You deserve it!



YVETTE59
SparkPoints: (7,330)
Fitness Minutes: (6,594)
Posts: 54
8/1/12 4:26 P

Dani,
You have great support here and please know you can also add me. I too am going through this- a violent situation. I have children involved so have to be very careful. The domestic violence officers are a great support and I record EVERYTHING in a diary. I have done as was suggested and now have my own email and bank account. Please be aware as you make changes and he feels his control is changing/diminishing things are going to take a turn for the worst- you hinted this has already begun by saying he threatened you with violence, he has taken it to the next level. You said you didn't want to leave/end the relationship- WHY? You need to think carefully about this train of thought- write all the reasons why you should continue this relationship and then why you shouldn't. I know I keep saying WRITE but that is the way I can work rationally through my thoughts rather than that lying in bed tossing and turning emotional craziness. Your happiness is paramount-how is he contributing to you being the happiest and best you can be? From your happiness will stem confidence, strength, acceptance of self................... WHY don't you want the relationship to end? Lots of support from the other SPARK girls and from me!




FATBASTICH
Posts: 782
8/1/12 4:17 P

I hope you don't mind a guy' perspective. I went through a divorce two years ago and it was an incredibly difficult time. I'm still dealing with it, to be honest.

I echo the others - get some help. A counselor can be invaluable at a time like this. You know you need to leave, and let me tell you once you create some space you will probably start feeling a little better. But it's not easy. No one gets married expecting to divorce, and no matter how terrible the relationship has become it's still difficult to end it.

Hang in there.



TRACYMT2NY
SparkPoints: (5,392)
Fitness Minutes: (5,626)
Posts: 236
8/1/12 11:00 A

I am glad that you know that you need to leave and that you recognize his behavior as abusive. That alone is the first step.

I am a survivor of bad domestic violence. I just signed my divorce papers last month.

We have 2 kids and had been married for 11 years when he viciously attacked me. Read my page to find out more. It just escalates in violence.

I think what was crucial to me leaving FOR GOOD was finding support. I started by finding the name to my local domestic violence shelter. They held support meetings that I slowly started attending. It was so comforting to have those women help me through those dark days of my life. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was huge!

I started saving $ here and there - you will need it. Minimally to pay for a lawyer and to start your new life. It is very helpful that you do not have children. This makes starting your life over so much easier. No strings to be attached to him forever.

I also came from a home that had domestic violence as a child, as did my ex husband. My dad abused my mom. His dad abused his mom. It made for a perfect situation for me to fall into the trap. I am saying that to help you recognize that your past makes it hard for you to see past what is currently happening in your relationship.

I ditto the recommendation that you need help from either a pastor, confidant, friend, dv support group, counselor.

It starts slowly and over time you see a different life being what you dream of. Read books about domestic violence. Talk to survivors, talk to victims, talk to women in your position - the woman who are still with their abusers.

I took me 3 attempts to leave my abusive ex. The last time I knew I had to leave for good. He would've killed me - without a doubt. I can and will never go back to that type of living.

You need to fill that beautiful head of yours with positive thoughts. You are a strong, confident, beautiful woman. You deserve a man who will treat you like a genuine lady. Someone who builds you up rather than put you down. Somewho who invests in you rather than devalue you. Take the time to exercise and think + thoughts about yourself.

I am always willing to talk more with you. Just reach out.



CLARK971
Posts: 647
8/1/12 7:20 A

Hugs for you!







MASHAMOO
Posts: 1,667
7/31/12 4:56 P

Change can be very difficult, even change that you know is going to be positive.
I agree with those who say see a counselor if you can find one that you're comfortable with.
Safety planning is very important. When you leave, be sure someone knows where you are and how to reach you. If you think you may be in physical danger, get a temporary restraining order.
Any goals you can accomplish through SP or in other areas, no matter how small, can make you more confident and more able to see yourself as a good person with things to contribute to the world.
If the truth is, as you say, that you don't want to leave him: then you may be in need of more coping skills. Often in so-called "crummy" relationships, one person doesn't want the relationship to end. What they want is the abusive or manipulative behavior of the other person to stop. However, it's really hard to get someone else to change (as we all know too well.) So if you are unsure if you really want to get a divorce, maybe try a trial separation for a bit.
Best of luck to you (((hugs and support)))



KCDELENN
Posts: 86
6/30/12 12:52 A

I am a divorce attorney. I have also been through a HORRIBLE divorce myself. As everyone has said, counseling is very important to help you deal with these issues.

Knowing you need to leave and taking the steps to make that happen are VERY different things. Make sure you are protecting yourself, your finances, and your property while you make these decisions. I advise that you establish a separate bank account right away if you have not already done so, and an e-mail address that your spouse knows nothing about and cannot access. If you don't use these things, great....but they will be crucial if and when you do decide to file for divorce.

If your husband is violent in any way at all....be sure to remove and any all irreplaceable family heirlooms, photographs, etc... from your home before you make the decision to separate. You'd be surprised at how often the things we value get broken and damaged during this period.

The most important thing to remember is that you really do know what is best for you. For years he has been making you feel like you cannot make wise choices or take care of yourself. You CAN! Trust your own instincts.



RKMHOYLE
SparkPoints: (10,253)
Fitness Minutes: (7,910)
Posts: 88
6/28/12 9:35 P

I would suggest you find a counselor or a pastor to speak with regarding your issues. No one deserves to be treated like they are nothing. You need to be able to talk your issues thru with someone who can listen and be supportive to you.



ANGELIQUE271
SparkPoints: (5,248)
Fitness Minutes: (1,890)
Posts: 198
6/28/12 9:24 P

I know you said you don't need anyone telling you that you need to leave; you know that already.

That is huge.

Do you have anyone, even just one close friend who is willing to be your "sounding board"? Now, this means they are available for phone calls, able to take you out of the house just to talk, etc.

I HIGHLY suggest seeing a counselor, licensed family therapist, SOMEBODY! It sounds like you have a very low self esteem. You value yourself so little that you have started to believe the things he tells you, and that probably stems from your relationship with your mother. I had my own issues I needed a professional to help me with before I finally started to feel better about myself. I am not perfect by any measure, but I am a lot happier than I was before!

Something else that helped me A LOT was blogging.

Keep a private (or public if you think you can remain 100% honest) blog about what happened, what you are feeling, and try to ask yourself WHY you are crying. I never realized before I went through therapy that sometimes one thing makes us cry, and then something completely different comes to the surface that we haven't dealt with.

You can do this. You just need to get some things straightened out, and you will be right as rain.

Feel free to ask me anything, add me, whatever! You need to know that there are people (no matter how far) that just want the best for you.

Be strong - break the cycle. emoticon



EQTPM1
Posts: 26
6/28/12 3:42 P

im interested in replys as well cuz i am going through the same thing now



DOWNEASTSUNRISE
SparkPoints: (20,693)
Fitness Minutes: (13,797)
Posts: 81
6/25/12 2:14 P

you need to leave



LASHERRMA
SparkPoints: (2,317)
Fitness Minutes: (2,190)
Posts: 72
6/25/12 12:08 P

keep going and try to get professional help



ZORBS13
SparkPoints: (88,221)
Fitness Minutes: (90,459)
Posts: 12,694
6/25/12 6:29 A

see a professional counsellor.



KLUTERACOON
Posts: 90
6/24/12 7:52 P

For those of you who have gone through a divorce. I'm kinda at a hopeless point. I'm nearing the end of my marriage, although many would say that it has been over for quite a while. The truth is, and only two of my closest friends know, He's verbally abusive. He will call me a POS, and constantly tell me that my feelings are BS, and he doesn't want to deal with any of my BS. He's cheated numerous times, and tells me all of our problems would be solved if I would do everything he tells me to. A few nights ago he threatened to hit me, altough he never has actually hit me. I'm at the point where I know that I'm not worthless or a POS but I find myself actaully believing him. I know that the answer is to just leave him. But the truth is I don't want to leave him. How do I give myself better? How do I believe that I can have better? We don't have kids, and I have had family members come straight out and tell me they don't have time for any of my problems. My husband and I had a lot of mutual friends that he has turned against me, and now I don't have many friends. I don't have my mom to go to because she was an abusive parent. How do I trust myself? For the last three years he's been feeding me lies, and then telling me what I do/do not see, hear, and think. How do I even start to get the ball rolling in the right direction? Most important how do I move in the right direction and NOT fall back into the relationship? Any advice would be extremely appreciated. I guess at this point I'm desperate for support because of the lack of it. I don't need anyone telling me I need to leave because I already know that.



 
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