* As a child I felt as if I was never good enough. * I was raised to believe that what is on the outside is more valuable than the inside and I rebelled... constantly. * I was sexually abused and traumatized. I learned that the heavier I was, the less unwanted attention I would get. I also learned through this ironically that I did have value despite how I was raised. I learned to judge myself on what I could do vs what I looked like and how many heads I turned. * I learned it was easier to self-medicate with food than it was to deal with my problems. I also said that it was better to abuse food than drugs like many of my family members. * I punish myself. * I don't feel as if I deserve to live life to the fullest. I put life on hold, sometimes for yrs at a time, dispite the damage it causes to myself and all those around me. As a part of that I eat free range telling myself that I fighting against the voices in my head that tell me to diet. Instead I am shoveling food in, often times feeling overstuffed later. I am rebelling against myself and self-sabotaging myself even before I get started. * Back to an earlier point- I wanted to be loved and accepted for me, not my body or face. That's how I met my husband. He was the first person to ever accept me regardless of my weight and size. He was also the first person never feel shame or embarrassment being with me in public. * I wanted to sting my mother. She is fat-phobic. What better way to get even with someone that says or does things that a mother shouldn't do.
Fitness Minutes: (48,553)
10/15/13 5:24 P
Although it might be nice to lose 5 more pounds, weight loss is not why I'm here. I have an autoimmune disease that makes life challenging. When I am disciplined about food and exercise, I have a much better quality of life. I'm hoping to return to living with less pain and having more energy.
In the interest of keeping myself motivated, I've been trying to think through some of the core reasons why I have kept extra weight on for so many years, and some of the reasons why I might finally be ready to change. Here's a quick run down:
How I got here: 1.) I watched my father gain and lose the same 20 to 40 lbs. dozens of times during his life, and might have been trying to offer him comfort and company on his journey, which was never a very healthy one, despite the fact that he was an MD. Or maybe I just patterned myself after him when it comes to eating and exercise. 2.) I was raised by competitive and for the most part high-achieving intellectuals who led me to think that if I ever got an A-, I should wonder why it wasn't an A or an A+. I am filled with a constant sense of not being quite good enough, and have used food to medicate my feelings of inadequacy. 3.) I have become lazy over the years, relying on the fact that my husband loves me regardless of what shape I'm in. 4.) I have a core belief that I'm not only 'big-boned' but also have a slow metabolism, again like my Dad. So I don't even know if I can ever reach my goal weight or goal body type. I have used that core belief to sabotage my own health.
Why I might finally be ready to change: 1.) My father passed away this July, and I feel as though he is both freeing me to follow my own patterns and encouraging me to beat this problem for both of us. 2.) Life has shown me that academic achievement does not always translate into success. I am less bound by the need to be perfect, though to be honest, this is still a work in progress. 3.) While it's true that my husband loves me regardless of what shape I'm in, we are both happier (in a lot of ways, wink wink!!) when I am fitter and healthier. 4.) While I can't do anything about my bone structure, I am realizing now that I can do things to tweak and improve my metabolism. A slow metabolism does not have to sentence me to a life of being fat; in fact, it should motivate me to work as hard as needed to improve my baseline metabolism.
What are your core reasons for carrying around extra weight, and why might this be your time to change?
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