Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

 
Message Boards
FORUM:   SparkPeople Cafe
TOPIC:  

Relationship help from strangers



 
 
Search the
Message Boards:
Search
      Share
Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

Author: Message: Sort First Post on Top


FAITHP44
SparkPoints: (46,160)
Fitness Minutes: (28,627)
Posts: 3,243
7/5/13 4:37 A

TRIPLEMWF the motivational quote you show on your posts says 'You get whatever you settle for.'
This man may have issues, stress etc - you can make all the excuses in the world for him, but you will never ever be able to have a secure relaxed relationship with him.
And as long as you put up with his behaviour, put yourself in the wrong, keep trying to appease him he will never learn that his behaviour is wrong.
You're not married to him - my advice would be to get out while you can. And for goodness sake don't even think about marrying him! That flowers poem says it all!



2UNHEALTHY
Posts: 2,231
7/5/13 4:04 A

From the last paragraph of your post ("I have no idea what I did to make him so angry...") I garner that your self-esteem is low...low enough to allow yourself to be treated so poorly...and not just this one time but it seems in this whole relationship ("he's never apologized to me...") and previous ones (" yet again, gotten myself into a relationship w/ a controlling jerk")

First you need to understand that you can't MAKE anyone angry...anger is an emotion and must be present all ready as it is a response to stimuli not a lunch...which you can make...and for the record he would NEVER EVER EVER get a packed lunch from me even if he stayed until he was 100!

This guy seems jealous of your kids and dog and his insecurities are what cause him to be a jerk...nevertheless you have children who you must protect and this fella seems to be a toxin in their environment...you should show him the door and work on yourself and your family. You are worthy of better treatment and believe me your kids will mimic his treatment of you to not only you but their perspective mates as this will be the standard you set for them.

Think about it...would you tolerate one of your kids behaving toward you the exact same way he is...if the answer is no then you know what you need to do.

Edited by: 2UNHEALTHY at: 7/5/2013 (04:09)


KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,776
7/2/13 6:50 A

Reasonable, responsible people communicate to improve relationships be it job related or domestic.

Pent up anger has to be released at some point, it always does but HOW it'll get released is the question.

How does he treat/speak about his mother? How much attention to "foreplay" does he do (controllers don't consider their partner in bed). Find out about his childhood with animals; maybe something went wrong. Does he have children of his own? How does he treat waiters/waitresses?

or

Do like the others said, tell him to hit the road.



MYUTMOST4HIM
Posts: 11,440
6/30/13 3:33 P

You need to do what is best for the kids right now - it doesn't matter how much you love this guy - the kids are watching and learning - do you want them to think it is ok to treat each other like this?!?!?!?
It only gets worse from here without intervention.



MRSJOCCO
SparkPoints: (23,418)
Fitness Minutes: (10,936)
Posts: 1,550
6/30/13 3:27 P

"You get whatever you settle for."

'nuff said



SNOWSHOEKITTY
Posts: 80
6/30/13 11:42 A

Why are you begging for forgiveness or apologizing when you did nothing wrong?


Your boyfriend sounds controlling and manipulative. You are an adult, not a child........why would you allow someone to treat you like a child? Your kids should not see their mother being controlled and manipulated by someone. People have arguments and that is fine....it's normal, but refusing to speak to you and hating your pet when it was part of the package is not normal.

I don't care how sweet or loving he is or how much he tells you that he loves you or how much he tells you that you are beautiful. That means nothing. Love is seen in a person's ACTIONS, not words. Words are nothing. ....

Edited by: SNOWSHOEKITTY at: 6/30/2013 (11:49)


LILSPARKIE85
SparkPoints: (22,348)
Fitness Minutes: (6,576)
Posts: 182
6/30/13 11:17 A

You can label it controlling or something else, but whatever it is, it's not acceptable. No one deserves to be treated this way. Granted, we are all imperfect people and have rough days here and there where we say things we don't mean, but we later apologize. If he's like this more often than not and not sincerely apologizing, it may be time to rethink this relationship. Best of luck to you.



SLIMMERKIWI
SparkPoints: (120,609)
Fitness Minutes: (32,354)
Posts: 20,994
6/29/13 11:59 P

What he is doing is controlling, and how he is going about it is common for people like him. Starts off really good, then starts to feel 'comfortable' and starts to gradually show his true colours. My daughter's first marriage was like that. He even resorted to turning the phone right down and sitting opposite so he could see the light flashing. HE monitored who she spoke with and who she didn't. HE monitored and controlled who she associated with - not her. He ended up controlling HER money that SHE earned at her job. He would buy things they couldn't afford, on HP. He ended up getting violent - to start with not in front of their little boy, but then he did IN FRONT of the little guy, who was not quite 5yrs old. He rammed my daughter's head into the fridge. Not long after that he threatened to throw the 5yr old out of the car window, and put the car over the cliff, with them all in it. She ended up getting out of that one. After they split he smashed the neck off a bottle and threatened to bottle her IN FRONT of their little boy! He also took a carving knife and slashed their beautiful bedspread I have given them for Xmas. THEN phoned me and told me that my daughter was going to tell tales on him!!!

Not long after that he tried suicide. He had desperately needed help for depression, but no-one except him and I could see that. He and I had sought help from Psychiatric service just before he tried suicide - we were told he didn't need their help and turned away. He only got the help he so desperately needed, AFTER he was discharged from hospital. He is healthy in his mind, now and has since re-married.

Below is a poem I would like you to read - PLEASE pay attention to it, because from what you describe, there is this potential.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poem about Domestic Violence


I Got Flowers Today


I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today.

By Paulette Kelly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kris


Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 6/30/2013 (00:00)


HAPPYJAY
SparkPoints: (17,027)
Fitness Minutes: (15,546)
Posts: 307
6/29/13 6:28 P

why not



HAPPYTUHA
SparkPoints: (16,107)
Fitness Minutes: (14,455)
Posts: 415
6/29/13 6:20 P

Agree



FENWAYGIRL18
Posts: 5,842
6/29/13 6:00 P

I hope all is well as you haven't responded back since last night.... god bless!



SHERYLDS
Posts: 11,485
6/29/13 5:38 P

2 days ago pledged his love and was talking marriage
now refusing to touch you or say I love you.
And you're crying and pleading and begging Him to forgive whatever You did ?

no matter what happens...You need to consider counseling



CAMEOSUN
SparkPoints: (70,829)
Fitness Minutes: (5,111)
Posts: 9,248
6/29/13 4:44 P

TripleMWF - How are you? Did he end it? Don't beg...hold your head up... maybe he just needs space for awhile.

Edited by: CAMEOSUN at: 6/29/2013 (16:46)


BLUENOSE63
SparkPoints: (95,813)
Fitness Minutes: (74,165)
Posts: 2,905
6/29/13 8:15 A

I am sure that by reading all the other responses you have gathered that this man is a control freak and a very abusive one at that! You don't want your kids to live with this type of atmosphere as it is really dysfunctional. Show them you are a strong woman who won't take crap from anyone as you respect yourself and your family including the dog. KICK HIM TO THE CURB IMMEDIATELY!

Hope things get better and keep us posted



TREV1964
Posts: 5,115
6/29/13 4:20 A

He knew the situation when he moved in with you. He knew exactly where things stand and if he loved you unconditionally he would accept everything hook line and sinker so to say. Surely if there was something that he didn't like there is a way of talking these things through. As for not being happy with you removing your trousers in front of your kids this is ludicrous. I could understand it if you were removing them in front of his mates or removing them in public but these are your kids - kids and parents see each other in the buff and with every situation regarding clothing that there is.
Making comments the way you say that he has does suggest an attempt to control you. Also if he ever says "It's me or the dog" choose the dog. It will do one of two things - it will make him leave if he isn't willing to change or it will make him conform with your lifestyle if he is. Ultimately in this way you will ultimately win whatever decision he chooses to make.
I wish you luck in solving this situation peacefully.
Cheers
Trev



ROXYCARIN
SparkPoints: (55,837)
Fitness Minutes: (48,915)
Posts: 2,316
6/29/13 3:56 A

Asking for help is a step in the right direction



TURQUINHA
Posts: 82
6/29/13 3:32 A

Girl, you are into a mentally abusive relationship and might turn into a god forbid, a physically violent one!

I cant believe you are doubting about leaving the dog... Ive been there girl... now is the dog, then it will be the kids...

Put his stuff on the street, call the police and turn the page.... do not dare to go anywhere else!!! its not your fault! please dont even think it!!

its your life, the package included the kids and the dog... 9 months and already living in hell?? no no no, you have to take back control of your life... you can do it!

come on girl, you are beautiful, no need to find someone that is hurting you and your family... you are more important than some j**k who is not able to be happy...

we are here to be happy, to enjoy, and you seem far far away from there..

if you delete this post, I would understand, still feel free to contact me... I hope nothing but the best... and be strong! be strong!!!



FENWAYGIRL18
Posts: 5,842
6/29/13 2:13 A

Don't ever beg a man for forgiveness when he's treated you as the way you described, you need self worth , your to good for this person.
He should be a respectful 100% of the time not 99% of the time, I agree with the person who wrote that this is in time going he's going to get physically abusive and who knows what he's saying to your kids when your not around.
Your better then this and you deserve better, respect yourself and love yourself enough to leave him, he's not worth crying over. You and your kids deserve better!



JIACOLO
SparkPoints: (266,406)
Fitness Minutes: (115,137)
Posts: 16,161
6/28/13 11:49 P

If you love yourself and your kids, you will not subject them or you to this anymore. Be safe for your kids need you more than you need his behavior.



ANARIE
Posts: 12,316
6/28/13 11:18 P

Begging him to forgive you for "whatever you did?" Apologizing for making him mad?

If you looked up "emotionally abused" in the dictionary, you'd find a mirror.

Don't wait for him to end it. End it yourself. Pack up the kids and go home to your mom or to a shelter. This is no way to live, terrified because you "made him mad." He knows exactly what he's doing to you, and he enjoys it. It WILL turn into physical abuse, either of you or of the kids-- and if he's doing this to you, do you really believe he's not saying awful things to the kids when you're not around?

It's sick, it's abusive, it's wrong, and it will never, ever stop. End it now.



GOALWTIN7
SparkPoints: (2,121)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 306
6/28/13 8:05 P

I think you need to go to a counselor by yourself and talk about this relationship.



TRYINGHARD54
Posts: 2,873
6/28/13 7:36 P

nothing is normal about this relationship.... You deserve better......



BRATFLORIDA
SparkPoints: (9,907)
Fitness Minutes: (5,665)
Posts: 309
6/28/13 7:32 P

Would you think this behavior was normal if you had to watch one of your children live this way with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Often we treat ourselves as less, and I find that comparing something to my kids gives me a perspective I might not have otherwise. Normal? You know it's not. As a child my parents fought and it was extremely painful, remember, your kids are living in this environment also. When someone is controlling, it's not about love. Be careful what you are willing to accept from him behavior-wise today, it sounds like some counseling is what you need, and if he doesn't agree to it then you might need to rethink things.



GLITTERFAIRY77
Posts: 8,023
6/28/13 7:27 P

Your mistake: Asking for forgiveness when you have DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!
Sweety, do you not see that? Begging him to stay, begging him to talk to you-is giving him a sick power trip.
It's emotional manipulation. :(

Edited by: GLITTERFAIRY77 at: 6/28/2013 (19:28)


TRIPLEMWF
Posts: 731
6/28/13 7:26 P

.

Edited by: TRIPLEMWF at: 7/15/2013 (09:36)


_STARLET
SparkPoints: (159)
Fitness Minutes: (130)
Posts: 7
6/28/13 6:17 P

He sounds very childish, it's like he throws little fits when things don't go his way. He most likely has some work to do on himself. No relationship is perfect obviously, especially when you've been together for a while. Maybe he's upset about something more than just those little things? Maybe that's a discussion you should try to have. If he's not receptive to talking, there's not a lot more you can do. Don't make too many excuses for him.


Online Now
JANIEWWJD
SparkPoints: (207,180)
Fitness Minutes: (187,840)
Posts: 6,549
6/28/13 5:28 P

What you need to do is get away from this person as soon as possible. Think about your safety!!!!



FENWAYGIRL18
Posts: 5,842
6/28/13 5:00 P

Once upon a time I had a Bf that told me he hated my dogs, the dogs did nothing to him he said they'd go before he did and I said you want to make a bet? He was gone shortly afterwards because he was also controlling and drank a little to much for my taste ( I had grown up with an alcoholic dad I didn't want that in my life as a grown up).
My dogs didn't care for him they knew he didn't like him and when a person doesn't like animals then I don't think they have much respect for people.
He doesn't respect you or your kids, you need to get out of this relationship because it's only going to get worse and do you really want your kids to be seeing this kind of behavior?
Especially if you have a son he'll think this is the way to treat women, a person that can't say he's sorry for disrespecting you has no heart. It sounds like he has a Jekyl and Hyde syndrome and that your walking on eggshells over there. AND... if you have a daughter she might think its okay to be treated this way...
To not take the lunch you made? OMG I'd never make his lunch again, don't be this mans emotional punching bag, get out of their with your kids this isn't love he's showing you or your kids.
You have more self worth then to put up with this from someone who is suppose to love you!
God bless I hope you and your kids are safe!



GOALWTIN7
SparkPoints: (2,121)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 306
6/28/13 4:34 P

I always tell younger women (younger than me) to listen to a man's actions, not the words that come out of his mouth. When men want sex they will tell you how much they love you and you are beautiful. It's how he treats you the rest of the time that determines how much he cares about you. He is not a loving person. A good man would care about your feelings and not act like this.

You sound a little like an abused woman trying to figure out what you did wrong when you did nothing wrong. He sounds very manipulative and I hope it doesn't get worse and he puts his hand on you. I also hope he does not hurt your dog when you are not around.

I would end this relationship before he hits you and you think it is your fault.



DMJAKES
Posts: 1,569
6/28/13 4:29 P

He's using his behavior to control what you do, and then punishing you when you don't "behave" by the silent treatment, throwing out the candy, throwing the lunch on the counter, etc. I'd lay it all out on the table (when he's in a happy place, not in the middle of a "spell")--either we go to counseling, or one of us moves out. Be prepared for the stuff to hit the fan, 'cause it probably will. Make sure the kids aren't around and you have a plan B just in case things get ugly.

I do agree with the previous poster who pointed out that you're still in the honeymoon phase now---it is probably going to get worse as time goes on.

You REALLY need to think of your kids in all of this--what kind of environment are they growing up in? You might think that you're hiding it well, but if they're any older than a toddler, they know something's up. The older they get and the longer this goes on, the more they begin to think that this is the way life is supposed to be.

Do you really not expect him to apologize to you....ever? That to me is the biggest red flag of them all. You deserve better, dear--insist on it.



MEBAZI
SparkPoints: (13,252)
Fitness Minutes: (2,172)
Posts: 255
6/28/13 3:50 P

Honestly, you do not sound happy. This "man" doesn't seem like a good role model for your children. Get out now before you waste anymore time. You are young with a lot to be happy for. He is not the one. You will have no regrets. I feel you already know the answer, you just need to hear it. You do not need to live in fear, or the feel like you have to constantly please someone. This just sounds like misery. If you can't leave him now for you, do it for your kids. "You" will come later. It is not love, REAL love does NOT sound like this. I know there are ups and downs, this is not an up and down, this person's character is one you need to try to fix. Move on, before something worse happens. Ask yourself, would you want this man to marry your daughter? Or would you want your son to grow into this type of person. If the answer is NO, leave. At all costs, everything works itself out.



ANARIE
Posts: 12,316
6/28/13 3:41 P

Have you thought about posting this in the "Guys' Lounge" forum to see if you can get some male input? This behavior seems utterly bizarre to me, but I have a feeling "I don't need anything from you" is guy-speak for something extremely important. The men might be able to translate.

But the big red flag for me is that he took something that belonged to the kids. A man who will punish your children for something he thinks you did is a man who has no business being around those children. It was just candy this time, but it needs to be dealt with before it escalates and he thinks he can punish them directly. (I'm assuming he's not the biological father.) Not to scare you, but most child abuse deaths are at the hands of the mother's boyfriend. If you have *any* reason to believe that he would ever lay a finger on any of your children, he needs to go. It doesn't sound like he would from what you've said, but think really hard about whether you trust him 100%. When it comes to your kids, 99.9% sure isn't good enough. And be sure to tell him how wrong that was. The words, "You don't punish my kids" need to be said.

I don't think this is going to be resolved without couple's counseling. He wants something, you don't understand what it is, and he's not gonna tell you. It's going to take a 3rd party to fix that. Look into it. It doesn't mean that the relationship is failing; a lot of people with good relationships get counseling to make them stay good. I have never, ever heard anyone say, "Gee, I wish we hadn't gotten counseling."

Edited by: ANARIE at: 6/28/2013 (15:43)


ELECTRA7D
SparkPoints: (3,429)
Fitness Minutes: (2,775)
Posts: 106
6/28/13 2:35 P

This isn't the sort of behavior you should have to put up with.

Is it your house, or did you and the kids move in with him? Some people are just not "pet" people, if he's owned the house for years and never had a pet and suddenly had to put up with a dog in the house, it might be bothering him a lot, but he doesn't want to say anything because he loves you and enjoys having you there. That's the nicest way I can think of to look at the situation. But if it was your house and he moved in, then it sounds like he was just looking for a reason to pick a fight last night.

Either way, it sounds like you need to have a talk with him once he's able to discuss it calmly. If he's not usually like this and it's a sudden change, it could be from stress at work or some otther issue. Men get mean sometimes when they're stressed or depressed, because they're raised to feel like anger is the only acceptable emotion to show. If he's always like this, then you should leave him. You're an adult, you don't need another adult telling you what to do. This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship.



MANDIETERRIER1
Posts: 13,489
6/28/13 2:34 P

I dated guy like that once, when the relationship was good it was very good. And when it was bad it was very bad. He also didn't like my dog, that I had when I met him. Dogs and I are a package deal.

No its not normal. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your boyfriend

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 6/28/2013 (14:36)


GLITTERFAIRY77
Posts: 8,023
6/28/13 2:34 P

*likes "onlyzombiecat" and "love4kitties" answers

Oh, and everyone else's.



LOUNMOUN
Posts: 1,209
6/28/13 2:30 P

I don't think his behavior is normal or mature. I doubt this is about the dog. It may be that moving in together has brought up things he is having trouble dealing with or something else is going on with him and the dog is an excuse to vent his frustration.

I'm not going to say dump him today but I think you need to have a serious talk together about your future together and your expectations of how both of you will handle disagreements, household chores, parenting. Counseling might help you both work things out.

If he comes to you and demands that you choose between him and the dog I would choose the dog. That kind of selfish request would be a sign that he is not the kind of person I wanted in my life or my child's life.



LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,792
6/28/13 2:25 P

It's not normal. It sounds like he is being controlling and it sounds like he is having some anger issues. Stuff like this tends to get worse over time, not better. You don't need or deserve to be treated this way and there are also lots of reasons why your kids don't need to see you treated this way.

So, if your boyfriend won't or cannot stop this behavior in the very near future (either by himself or with the aid of counseling), then I'd end the relationship without a second thought. I'd give him a fair warning in no uncertain terms and talk to him about seeking counseling. Tell him that you are willing to attend counseling sessions with him, but also let him know that if this sort of thing does not stop and SOON that you are going to end the relationship. Mean what you say and end the relationship if it does not cease in short order.

So far as the dog... If he says it's him or the dog, the dog stays and he goes. Period. A good man wouldn't try to make you give up your dog (even if he didn't like the dog) because he'd care enough about you and your kids to not want you hurt by losing your doggie friend.

Just my 2 cents. Other opinions may vary.

Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 6/28/2013 (14:29)


SHERYLDS
Posts: 11,485
6/28/13 2:05 P

not good...
normal is what you allow yourself to put up with and this is not a healthy relationship.
He's wonderful when everything is going his way and he's impossible when anything doesn't please him? What happens when something important comes up?
Talk it out, see if he understands your feelings, even seek counseling if needed...
But if control issues and anger issues continue...I would reconsider the arrangement.
The person you share your life with should be someone who makes you happy...
not someone you have to tiptoe around.




CAMEOSUN
SparkPoints: (70,829)
Fitness Minutes: (5,111)
Posts: 9,248
6/28/13 2:00 P

If he said, "he doesn't need anything from you..." Then, ask him outright, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?"



RUNNINGYOGINIRE
Posts: 20,217
6/28/13 1:47 P

I agree with the prior post - not normal! You don't deserve that... guess what - it just gets worse. I have been in a similar situation. People like him don't care how it affects others. It will pull you down plus your kids don't need that kind of environment. Talk to him asap and if he is rude about it and won't take accountability for his actions - you need to move on as hard as it. Life is too short to be living like that. There are plenty of good guys out there who don't take out their problems on others.



YOJULEZ
SparkPoints: (15,605)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 2,171
6/28/13 1:46 P

Have you ever actually called him out on his behavior? Like basically told him "You're being a real jerk right now and you need to stop it".

My SO and I moved in together after only being in a long distance relationship for about 3 months. So needless to say, there were a lot of kinks to work out, especially since we had both lived alone for a long time. After a couple months of living together, I wasn't sure it was going to work out. He was very moody, would be a jerk to me for no reason, etc. Then, at a family get together, I mentioned it to his mom. She told me that every time he acts like that, to call him out on it, and he'd improve. She also said that he doesn't even realize how he sounds sometimes, so calling him out on it lets him know that he's coming across badly. So, I started calling him out, and you know what? It worked. From that point on, things have gotten a lot better. He still has his moments, and there's been a few arguments since then that were not pretty (mainly due to us not communicating our feelings up front, and things boiling over because of it), but overall he treats me a million times better, and I've gotten more of a backbone.

But, I hate to say it, if his treatment of you does not improve, you need to leave. Pretty much all guys can be sweet sometimes, but that doesn't eliminate all the bad stuff they do.... and honestly that's what you hear a lot of abused women say... "Yeah he can be a jerk but every now and then he's so sweet to me". They live off of the one time he was so sweet, but ignore the 10 times he was being a jerk. You don't want to turn into one of those women, especially since you have kids you need to be setting a good example for.

Edited by: YOJULEZ at: 6/28/2013 (13:47)


GLITTERFAIRY77
Posts: 8,023
6/28/13 1:43 P

If your kids and your dog came with you, then he has to go, Baby. Seeing you allow him to treat you like this is giving your kids permission to either do the same or accept the same. He has to go...or you do. Now before things get worse.
They're your kids. You were naked when you had them. You're wearing underwear, so you're covered.
Not his effing business, then.
I imagine you're the one doing the cleaning?
So what does it effing matter if you track mud that you're going to clean up in your house?

I say, literally, kick him out and change the locks.
Get a change of address form and have his stuff forwarded to his mother's house.

In the future, look for the kind of man you want your son to be and the kind of man you'd want your daughter to be with.
Is supersweet sometimes, only when he wants something from you?
He's got to go.
GOT to.

Edited by: GLITTERFAIRY77 at: 6/28/2013 (13:45)


LILLIPUTIANNA
Posts: 1,038
6/28/13 1:28 P

Oh and to answer your question...

"I just need to know if his behaviour is normal..."

No, it's not.



LILLIPUTIANNA
Posts: 1,038
6/28/13 1:27 P

Nine months is still within the "honeymoon period" of your relationship. In five years, everything that annoys you about a person will be even more annoying. Ask yourself, do you want to live your life with someone who is even more controlling?

If you feel like something isn't right, something probably isn't right. He's just now starting to show you his real self. The fact that he's never apologized to you AND threw out your kids' candy, sets off huge alarm bells in my brain.

Ask yourself WHY you are with him, because this whole "he's super sweet sometimes," isn't cutting it for me.



JUDYAMK
SparkPoints: (22,129)
Fitness Minutes: (6,534)
Posts: 1,371
6/28/13 1:09 P

The hand writing has been on the wall a long time ago!!! You think it is bad now if you ever marry him he is the kind of man that will think he owns you & every aspect of your life.Your children deserve better,if I had children & a man did this to me my children are number one not a control freak!!! They did not ask for this relationship you choose it for them. In my 63 years I have seen the kind of relationship with so many other women, it does not change it only gets worse,especially once they marry the controller. Do not follow orders like a puppy dog & go around like you are walking on eggs just in case you may do something wrong in his eyes. You see the kind of man you described is my brother to the T!!! I begged my sister in law to get away from him she said she loved him & he would change, I told him NO he will not ,after years of this she finally left. Guess what he had 2 women after my dear sister in law & he is still the same .One left & the other one is still putting up with it,He controls who she can see & needs to be home right on time.Please analyse this relationship & save your self the heart ache. You put this out there for responses I gave mine may be painful to read, but I do not want any woman to go through unnecessary pain & for the children. I think you deep down know something is wrong with this relationship or you would not have posted it. Take care
Judy



SOCAL_LEE
SparkPoints: (31,031)
Fitness Minutes: (66,642)
Posts: 243
6/28/13 12:33 P

There are some red flags in your description of his behavior for me. His anger is unpredictable and focused on controlling you and your actions, and you say you don't know what you do to set him off. If he's giving you the message that your actions make him angry, he's not taking responsibility for his own emotions. Basically, he's setting you up to blame yourself for "making" him angry. He may be stressed out because of work, whatever, but it's up to him to choose how he's going to react to that stress. It's not your fault as he is trying to make you think.

The other thing that worries me is that you have children. Do you want your son(s) to think it's okay to treat women like this? Do you want your daughter(s) to think this is the way men are supposed to treat women?

Archimedes recommends that you give him space, but I don't see how you can do that when you're living together. Have you drawn attention to his behavior and maybe suggested anger management counseling? How did he react to that?



ARCHIMEDESII
SparkPoints: (135,654)
Fitness Minutes: (204,285)
Posts: 20,172
6/28/13 12:19 P

TRIPLEMWF,

Just working with the information you've posted and not really knowing anything about your relationship; it sounds like he's having some of his own anger issues and taking them out on you.

Have you noticed a change in his behavior recently ? has he been under any unusual stress at work, home, school ? If he has been under a lot of stress recently, he may be internalizing this stress. Does he normally talk to you when he's stressed out ? If he's been distant these last few days or weeks, then something is going on that he's not telling you.

If you've had a good relationship, you may just need to be more patient with him. You have to let him know that you're there for him, BUT you may just have to give him some space too.

He's not abusive, is he ? If he's not abusive and this change in behavior is recent, it could be a sign he's under a lot of stress. give him some space. Let him sulk if he wants. Don't take anything personally !! Let him come to you. If this behavior continues and he doesn't want to confide in you, then maybe it's time to end the relationship.







TRIPLEMWF
Posts: 731
6/28/13 12:08 P

That's the thing. When he is not behaving like this, he is the most wonderful, kind, thoughtful, selfless, loving man that I've ever met in my life. He always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Most of the time, I enjoy just "being" with him, even if its just hanging out watching tv, or whatever, so often, I'm just happy and feel lucky to have him in my life. But when something triggers his anger (which more often than not seems to be my dog) he is just not a person that I want to know. He's cold, and unkind, and hurtful in a very obvious kind of way.



PATTIJOHNSON
Posts: 2,074
6/28/13 12:04 P

Dear TRIPLEMWF,

It sounds as though you need to get to the root of his madness and why he needs to be in control before things just get worse. I can tell you now something you probably already know. Not all men are control freaks and do apologize and do respect women and their wives/girlfriends. I know, because my husband is one of them, and we are still very much in love after many years. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He is not only the love of my life, but my best friend too. Best friends are not disrespectful to one another.

Now I'm not saying that you should throw your relationship out, because you have not told of what makes you so in love with your boyfriend -- there's obviously attraction here for some reasons.

After only 9 months, however, you really need to sit him down and voice your concerns. If you are scared of doing this, then I would say that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to rethink living together. Things won't get any better on their own.

Best wishes to you. Patti



TRIPLEMWF
Posts: 731
6/28/13 11:44 A

.

Edited by: TRIPLEMWF at: 7/15/2013 (09:35)


 
Page: 1 of (1)  
Search  



Share


 
Diet Resources: ginkgo plus | ginkgo nuts | ginkgo dosage