Last time I was here almost a year ago I had the name "Shadowynd". Decided to change it 'cause I'm far more attached to "Sombra" as than anything else. She is after all, that little critter there in my icon as well as my online persona.
I'm still not 100% sure I want to stay around though.
At the end of the day, if I'm to be honest with myself my wanting to lose weight isn't for myself, isn't for health, it's not for happiness (as weight loss will most likely not lead to my happiness). Mostly it's just to appease other people. So my parents will shut up about my stomach, or what kind of clothes I wear, or something. Also I'm still interested in cosplay but nerds are really rude over who can and can't cosplay. Me being both black and fat gives two strikes against me in the cosplay community. I can't change the fact that I'm black (without...you know really drastic plastic surgery and skin bleaching procedures...which would be pointless), but according to everyone and their mom, I can change the fact that I'm fat. So if it'll get my parents to shut up about how I look and if I can avoid the ridicule about my weight while I'm trying to have some fun for a weekend at a convention...why not? Just...why the heck not? I don't have a thick skin like my friends do so they probably don't get why things like this get to me so easily...
I'm just...I'm no good with anything remotely resembling a diet. To me, this "lifestyle change" deal is just another way to say "diet". I'm not good nor do I want to cut foods I like out of my life. I'm not good at counting calories or devoting hours upon hours of my time to figuring out what I'm going to eat or how much exercise I should do. To me exercise is a chore anyways and I really only like dancing and weights. Besides I need those hours and hours out of my day to dedicate to illustrating, commissions, portfolio work, and costuming.
It's still bad though...even though I tried to get more into body positive communities and accept my body as is, I still get faced with the reality that I'm just not really wanted. The only way I'll be accepted in society's eyes is to be thin (not necessarily "healthy"...just thin). My parents constantly point out what I'm eating even if I'm taking the first bite. I get told that I'm "eating too much" when in honesty it might be the first or second time I've eaten in the day (true story, my dad insinuated that I was eating too much when I was eating dinner...5 hours after I'd eaten lunch and I never had breakfast). I get bothered by it. So it becomes easier to not eat rather than try to figure out what's "good", what's "bad", are my parents going to think I'm eating too much, are they going to bother me about what I'm eating or eating in general, does this have too many calories...and so on and so forth. I wouldn't say I have or would remotely be close to having an eating disorder. However I would say that my eating patterns have become a little disordered in general.
At the end of the day though, this is a community focused on "health" and I'm still not sure I fit in here. While taking drastic methods to lose weight are terrible, I cannot say I'm personally adverse to them anymore. To me weight loss and health are two different paths. Just because I choose to lose weight doesn't mean I've chosen health. And I haven't much to my parents dismay (my mother especially wishes that I would choose both). So...I probably don't fit into this community at all (and if I don't, you wouldn't happen to know of any that would work better for me would you?). I don't think I fit in before which was a big reason why I kinda left before. I didn't really feel the sense of community nor did I really have a "support system" that everyone else seemed to have...
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