There's nothing wrong with falling off the bandwagon repeatedly. There are things we have to struggle with every day, and every day wish we didn't do or say something. What matters is that you recognize that the struggle you are in is worth the rewards you'll gain for fighting. Keep fighting. A friend of mine lost her friend recently in October. I notice that she continues to find enjoyment over the little fun and happy things in life-- So, slow down. Soak life in, you are loved, and the person who can love you most is YOU. Focus on the beauty of this life we have. The sunrise, the clouds in the sky, children playing, teenagers flirting ( which I think is quite entertaining and funny), a bird hopping around on grass and pecking for food, a spider hanging in its spiderweb/weaving, the budding spring flowers growing and on and on.
Wishing you comfort in your time of loss.