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REBECCA_LM SparkPoints: (45,673)
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5/19/13 6:21 P

I think the best thing to do is to remind your parents that you have lived with your body your entire life. You are aware of how it looks and what it needs, and you do not need to be told what to do with it. You can't change them, but it's obviously hurting you to hear these things (even if you are happy with your body, and good for you: you should be!), so cutting out the conversation completely might be the way to go.

CJYOUCANDOIT SparkPoints: (53,211)
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5/19/13 12:14 A

Lots of advice so far. there are a couple of points I agree with. One is that you have control over how you react to what your parents say. You cannot control them. Think about a respectful way to counter to their comments. It sounds like you have a solid perspective of your size and body. If you are happy with it, stand strong and don't allow them to pressure you into doing what you do not need to do. Just respectfully disagree with them and move on. You could move away and not see them as often. I would try to assertively ask them to stop commenting on your size. If they do not comply, I would limit how much I saw them. You do not need negative people in your life. Good luck and hang in there.

MCFHARPIST SparkPoints: (61,278)
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5/18/13 11:59 P

Move away.

5/18/13 11:40 P

Saying she can't change their attitudes is just plain untrue. My grandmother was raised in a racist and violent culture, and she changed. My husband's family came from a very different culture...and they changed. America allows people to change if they want to. Sometimes they simply need to be given the opportunity to do so.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 5/18/2013 (23:50)
LADYCJM SparkPoints: (57,456)
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5/17/13 12:44 P

You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

So, instead of getting upset or feeling bad about what they say, try something different.
Everytime they mention your weight get up and hug them and tell them you love them too.
Everytime they criticize your clothes, ask them to take you shopping and buy you some new clothes.
Everytime they scold you for snacking, ask them if they would like some.
If they criticize your dinner choice ask them if they would like to go to the movies.

All of the above is said nicely, recognizing that they love you, and that you are lucky to still have living parents and that they will never change.

SWIMOM Posts: 366
5/16/13 10:21 A

I would not worry about what they think. Should your experience be anything like mine, I gained weight at around 40 years old only to have the same sort of rude comments made. First I was too thin and starving myself for forty years. Then, I was "just like the rest of us", fat and out of shape! Can't win for losing when it comes to people who aren't comfortable in their own skins. Just be yourself and stay healthy both physically and emotionally in the process.

Edited by: SWIMOM at: 5/16/2013 (10:23)
ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (195,865)
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5/16/13 9:48 A

Hi, EOWYN2424 !!

The pressure on Asian women to be thin is insane. It's bad enough here in the US. I can't image what it must be like in Malaysia. And this is the problem. As American women, we were brought up to be independent and stand up for our rights. Well, what a lot of Americans don't realize is that things are very different outside the US. Things are changing, but they aren't changing like they do in the states. Women spent many years fighting for our rights. We've made progress. But like I said, there is less progress in places like Asia.

Women do not have the same rights they do here. It's not unusual for parents to make comments like that to their daughters because daughters are expected to obey their parents. Daughters who don't get married are expected to take care of their parents in their old age. Even if you're over 40, you still have to obey your parents. It's a big cultural divide.

What to do ? You can't change their attitudes. You never will. You can only change how YOU react to their comments. If you continue to allow their comments to upset you, they will. You're going to have to develop a thick skin. That means when they say something upsetting, you're going to have to turn the other cheek. be polite to your parents. But don't let their comments get the better of you. You're going to have to be strong as best you can.

If you feel upset, post here. We'll support you.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (243,907)
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5/16/13 3:20 A

You are the one who should call the shots about what and how much you eat - not anyone else, regardless of who they are.

Remember years ago in your history, parents used to bind their children's feet to keep their feet small? That was wrong, but they still did it! It is wrong of your parents to try to get you to eat a lot less merely to keep your body small - especially if you are a healthy weight. Looks aren't everything. Also, just because they may see 'normal weight' as fat, doesn't mean that this applies to everyone. Some people just have a disordered way of thinking, IMHO!


5/15/13 11:07 P

I've seen you on here before, talking about your family's expectations.

My advice now is the same as my advice then...

First...just because your family is Asian, that doesn't give them exclusive license to behave this way, nor does it excuse their behavior. My mother was a cheerleader and a model. All through my childhood and young adulthood, she pressured me, teased me, and made me feel that I needed to lose weight, until I had an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

What you have to do is recognize that you are a healthy weight. Look at your ticker. It's a healthy weight. Your stomach is fine. It really is. Your family needs to learn that their opinion is not wanted, needed, or appropriate. That means standing up to them. That means when they say unkind, and I might add UNTRUE, things about you, you point it out and tell them they are WRONG. Say it firmly. Say it without being sorry. need to see yourself the way you REALLY look. The first time I saw you here on the message boards, you were saying the same things you are saying now. You may want to talk to a doctor about body dysmorphia. Seriously, your stomach is fine. You don't need to lose more weight. Beside the idea of "target fat loss" is a myth. Everyone here will tell you that.

Now go out there and stand up for yourself.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 5/15/2013 (23:08)
JESSAELINN SparkPoints: (22,120)
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5/15/13 9:36 P

My step Grandma is Chinese and yes, she is skinny and has never been overweight until the last few years because she is now in her 70's. She isn't at all like your parents, but the way she is able to ask questions that reveals what we should do to improve is quite skilled. My whole family is overweight, yet she never says anything outright, but it is interesting that she doesn't care for sweets and eats very light, even when the family gets together, which is barely once every 3 years. Even occasionally, all she'll have is salad for dinner, which isn't all that bad, considering she is in her 70's. However, I appreciate her discipline, I do wish I had been raised in a healthier household. It is nice that your parents are thinking of your health in that way.

I'm sorry, I probably haven't been much help, but if you are comfortable with yourself, there should be no reason why you should eat or not eat something just to satisfy their standards, after all, it can create eating disorders. A young Chinese girl of 13 died of anorexia in the school I went to, and I could definitely see the connection between the issues she had with her parents and how controlling they were. Maybe you should help them understand that they could also create an eating disorder with you by how they are treating you.

Edited by: JESSAELINN at: 5/15/2013 (21:38)
EOWYN2424 Posts: 9,108
5/15/13 7:39 P

I'm by no means what you would call fat but my parents want me to be like Kate Moss! They keep scolding me for snacking.

I know what I'm doing. I know how to take care of myself. I don't have any eating disorders and I don't even binge. I just eat enough. I need to start exercising to burn off the fat on my tummy. Otherwise, I'm quite happy the way I am.

But I'm really disappointed in how shallow my parents are! I'm Chinese btw. My parents want me to be really small and skinny, but I'm just not built that way! I have a medium frame so I will never be tiny! It's just impossible!

What can I do to stop them from being so disparaging and harsh?

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