Thank you everyone! Nausika - yours is the post that originally inspired me to think about strategies to deal with food pushers. I thought I learned from your experience - I guess I found a weak point.
Thank you everyone :) It was nice to get advice and support.
I like this advice: my general rule at restaurants is to never eat more than half. so even if you pick the 2000 cal entree, that means you're limiting yourself to 1000 cals. and if you manage a better choice, that just means it is all the more doable. the other thing to look at is not just today, but the average of the past week. that's a better guide than a single day. plus, if you are eating out infrequently, you can look at it as the calories from the meal out out divided by the number of days since you last ate out. in other words, if this was a month thing [30 days] then 1200/30 =40, which means that as long as you had 40 cals left in your ranges for 30 days, you've already balanced out the meal. if this was your only meal out for the year, you only needed to be saving 3.5 cals. and keep in mind that your loss ranges are under your maintenance ranges, and that's what is key in the long run, eating at a point where your inputs and output balance.
I don't think so - I don't think he's a "feeder". But, I do believe he won't stop putting the food on my plate regardless of what I say. He's from a culture where people do this. He feels like he's doing something kind, and it's going to be hard to speak to him. But, I do have to speak to him, and I have to resist the food. I didn't resist yesterday - I ate everything. But, I will try next time.
thank you. It's good advice. He's from a culture where people just feed you - put food on your plate. He's always done this. He always will. I'll try to talk to him :)
2/8/13 2:24 P
Have you, in the past, frequently dined with this friend, and established an eating relationship where you shared a taste of this and a bite of that, where he would offer you choice morsels from his own plate, feeling pleasure at your positive reaction to his offerings ("oh thank you! omg yes, you're right that is just delicious!!").
If so - well, let's cut him some slack for this one meal. The game has changed - this is no longer what pleases you (in fact this behaviour now actively distresses you) - but he doesn't "get" it yet! He may have interpreted "no, i don't want any more" to mean "oh, i couldn't possibly, i'm so fullllll ahhhweellllll if you insist! ohmygod! mmmm!"
If you want to continue to dine with him, you will have to have an honest heart-to-heart about what you expect out of an enjoyable dinner-out. Let him know that the choice is to respect your needs, or don't dine out with you at all. If he's a friend worth keeping, the discomfort involved in having this kind of a blunt conversation is worth it. If he's a friend worth keeping, he will learn to respect your new boundaries. But, just like it takes practice for you to say "no" to the food, it will take him some practice to stop saying "try this!"
2/8/13 11:29 A
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I don't listen to people who tell me how to eat. As long as I know I'm eating healthy then I do as I please. I think other people tell friends how to eat out of feeling guilty for what they themselves eat.
Fitness Minutes: (11,285)
2/8/13 11:17 A
I don't believe a real friend would apply pressure, especially in the area of food.
Are you sure he is not a "Feeder"? There are some people, mostly men who love to watch women eat and gain weight. If talking to him doesn't work then you will have to be the one to walk away from the friendship and there is nothing wrong with that. You have an obligation to your health.
2/8/13 10:16 A
Talk to him about it and let him know it made you uncomfortable. I have a friend who always wants to go get ice cream, treats, etc. The calories are not a huge issue for her as she is an avid runner and biologically thin, but this is not the case for me. I just finally had to tell her that this is what I'm doing and this is what you can do to help me. If they are a good friend they will respect your wishes.
2/8/13 9:44 A
I have known food pushers. Sometimes you have to be very assertive, even to the point of being mean.
That is very weird though. I have never run into a food pusher that puts food on my plate.
You just have to stand your ground and be very assertive.
erm, your guy friend is the one with the problem, not you. it's not normal to go around putting your food on other people's plates, particularly when said people say they don't want any. i mean, if this was something that you bought with the idea of sharing [ie i get this entree, you get that one and we each get half of each one], then you should have set that up at the beginning of the meal. if it was a friend you usually try a bite of something with, that's another space where it's on you to ask to try a bite, not someone to just decide that their companion[s] want to eat the same thing. and it's not impossible to refuse, you did refuse. and if it was something that i might like, i would have brought it home as well as i hate wasting food. but if it was something i wasn't interested in at all, i would have left it on the plate to make a bigger impact [and because i really didn't want any]. and that's not you wasting, that's him wasting. my general rule at restaurants is to never eat more than half. so even if you pick the 2000 cal entree, that means you're limiting yourself to 1000 cals. and if you manage a better choice, that just means it is all the more doable. the other thing to look at is not just today, but the average of the past week. that's a better guide than a single day. plus, if you are eating out infrequently, you can look at it as the calories from the meal out out divided by the number of days since you last ate out. in other words, if this was a month thing [30 days] then 1200/30 =40, which means that as long as you had 40 cals left in your ranges for 30 days, you've already balanced out the meal. if this was your only meal out for the year, you only needed to be saving 3.5 cals. and keep in mind that your loss ranges are under your maintenance ranges, and that's what is key in the long run, eating at a point where your inputs and output balance.
Fitness Minutes: (15,360)
9,707 2/8/13 9:07 A
If you decide to eat with him again, you need to sit down BEFORE the meal and be frank. Explain that you are trying to eat healthy, and that the last time he did that, you felt sick and uncomfortable after eating.
Tell him POINT BLANK (don't muck around with words, guys can be very literal and sometimes don't "get" subtle) that you do not want him feeding you. Period. You're glad he cares, but you know what you want. If he wants more, he can get it, but the first time he puts something on your plate, you're stabbing his hand with a fork. ;) (Okay, maybe that's just me. I'm a bit bloody-minded at times.)
If he starts it up, pick up the plate, and REMOVE it. If you're at a restaurant, have the server take it away. If you're at a home, get up and place your plate in the kitchen. Wash it if you have to!
If he keeps it up, grab his hand gently, look him right in the eye, and say it kindly but firmly. "No thanks. I'm completely full, and I want to talk to you, not eat anymore! Tell me about [insert something he enjoys here] while you finish!
Great article Cheetar....my family at first teased me for measuring my portions. Once I explained why I was doing it, they understood the reason. And when I kept doing it, they got use to see me do so and haven't every said anything else about it. Two thumbs up for continued good choices to a better you!
Fitness Minutes: (102,340)
3,769 2/8/13 8:43 A
Many times, I have found that friends and family can be your #1 supporter or your #1 enemy when it comes to our health choices. It took me over a year before I told my mom, "No, I don't won't a milkshake, but I'll take you for one if you want." She will only get one, if I indulge also(she is a severe diabetic w/uncontrollable #'s). I have grown tremendously in this area and continue to make great strives to continue to stick to my plan and not someone else's. Like all other habits, good or bad, it takes time to develop; and, it will get easier.
Ugh! I hate when people do that! However, I can tell you that I've been at this for a long time (since 06) and I have come across a LOT of food pushers, but so far, not a single one of them has strapped me down and forced my mouth open and shoved food in my mouth. Not even once. (At least not yet!)
As long as you retain control of the swallowing mechanism, it's still on you to make the choice to eat or not eat. Some people really are THAT clueless that they will keep putting food on your plate or put food on a fork and stick it an inch from your lips and wait for you to eat it. But then you get to be the one who doesn't eat it.
If this is a close friend, I would say something like "it made me very uncomfortable that you didn't seem to be able to respect my choices around food. I can only enjoy eating with you in the future if you'll make an effort not to push food onto me."
I think you could do with a few lessons in assertiveness (not aggressiveness.)
Your friend needs to learn to LISTEN and accept not everyone is a hoover!
I had this many years ago - not with food, but rather with alcohol. I had gone into a pub where my then boyfriend was (later married him:-) His brother wanted to buy me a drink. I said "no thank you!" He got insistent - I still said "no thank you!" He bought me a drink. I never drank it. He got tee'd off because he had paid for it, and I was in a pub and you drink in a pub. . I reminded him I had said a couple times prior to buy it that I didn't want it, and also commented that just because I was in a pub didn't mean I HAD to drink. I stuck to my guns, and he never disregarded my wishes like that again.
It works, but you just have to stand your ground!
Fitness Minutes: (1,630)
2/8/13 4:17 A
I think you did good RDIMENNA in that you told your friend no, however, maybe you need to stick to your guns and just follow your instinct to your own calorie levels. Your post encourages me in that someday, I want to learn how to stay withing my calorie range. I'm just not ready for this yet! Have a splendid day, and know that we here at Spark People are routing for you! :o)
Last week on a Sparkpeople message board I read an interesting post from a member who wanted advice on losing weight when she went back to her husband's country to visit with family. I was inspired by her post. I thought that I learned from her experience. Today I went to dinner with a friend - and it was impossible to refuse food. He put food on my plate, several times. I said no, and he put the food directly on my plate. He left me some meat, I said that I'm done, he insisted that I eat it (so I wrapped it up to take home). I ate about 1200 calories. I feel awful that I wasn't stronger. It's just one meal, I'll start again tomorrow. I feel sad though, that I was having an excellent day and had kept below my daily calorie limits (for the first time in a long time). I've really been having a tough time this week. I guess I just can't eat with this friend anymore, or I'll have to have a stronger back bone. Any words of advice? Please reassure me :)
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