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EMERALDWARE SparkPoints: (11,176)
Fitness Minutes: (2,173)
Posts: 134
8/25/12 12:39 A

Wow, I mean wow. You should not feel ashamed for "letting down" your husband's family, as if your weight was their business in the first place. THEY should feel ashamed for being so petty and hurtful to the new addition to their family at a time that should be universally regarded as happy. GRRRR!

But anyways, I think you are GORGEOUS and if you want to lose weight it should be for you and not for your inlaws. I know what they said is hurtful and it's not something that you can let slide of you back so easily, but just imagine what unhappy people they must be deep down inside to find it necessary to tear others down that way. Maybe that frustration for yourself (which you don't need!) will turn into pity for them.

Perhaps I'm being hard on them, but that's just my two cents!

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (132,360)
Fitness Minutes: (32,873)
Posts: 21,669
8/24/12 8:30 P

I can understand your hurt, and in my humble opinion, your family/in-laws are totally out of order! They are rude, tactless and abusive - YES ..... ABUSIVE, whether they intended to be or not! ! There is absolutely no need for their nasty, snide comments. You have lost weight, so you are a winner! No doubt you will continue on this lifestyle journey and I hope that you metaphorically thumb you nose at them! Hold your head up and be PROUD of who and what you are, and don't let their failings bring you down. I am sure that you were a beautiful bride, and are still beautiful!

Where it comes to communicating how you feel to your husband, are you able to write him a little letter or have a diary and write your feelings about what happened and how that made you feel (without putting in as "THEY made me feel...", instead "I felt", and leave it somewhere he will see it.

BIG hugs,

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 8/24/2012 (20:32)
MARIAX11 Posts: 261
8/24/12 6:53 P

Stolenheart,

One of the best ways to talk with your husband is in the car. Guys tend to get intimidated when you talk to them about your feelings face to face (front). When he is on your side, he doesn't have to make direct eye contact which is less intimidating, and in the car, he will be forced to hear you and not avoid you, because he really has nowhere else to go, he's kind of stuck in the car, unless he wants to try to open the door and jump out, which I doubt.

You could also try to do this while on a walk together (same side by side approach), but on a walk, he can still walk away, whereas in the car, he can't leave so easily.

I'm not saying to corner him, but it is important that you voice your feelings and concerns and do not bottle it all up inside. Hopefully, if he has a better idea of how you feel, the next visit with your in-laws will be less hurtful, and he would be able to support you better. You could ask for his help by saying, "I need for you to do (blank ) when your Mom starts to say (blank)." Always use "I" statements, such as "when you do (blank), I feel (blank)." This way you are speaking your feelings and your truth, and he will likely get less defensive. Your feelings belong to you, and no one can tell you how you should feel.

Guys really do need guidance and direction, you have to be very clear and very straightforward in what you want. He honestly doesn't have a clue and he needs to know exactly what you want him to do. Guys are problem-solvers by nature, and if you vent a bunch of stuff on him without a solution, guys will get stressed out because you have just laid this huge problem at his feet and he has to figure out what to do with it and doesn't know how. If you want to just vent, you have to tell him you are venting, this way he can just listen and not feel like he has to jump in and "fix" it all.

Also, guys are not as relational as women are, so what may be simple for us women to figure out, as far as a solution, specifically a relationship solution, they don't know how to handle it. Women bond by talking and gathering together. Men bond by doing an activity like sports. They are not good communicators. He avoids the subject because feelings are abstract for men.

CHRISTINASP Posts: 1,856
8/24/12 5:53 P

If I may make a suggestion: pick the wedding photo that you like best. One that shows YOU as you are, in your core, whatever the weight may be. Put that one in a frame and place it where you will see it often and when you do, feel happy about yourself, about the wedding, about all that is well in your life.

Losing weight for anyone else or for a wedding... if you ask me that will never work. Indeed the only way is to do it for you, when YOU are ready.

STOLENHEART- Posts: 250
8/24/12 5:01 P

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm started to realize that his mother never was happy about the wedding in the first place. And I honestly don't care, because he loves me and I love him. I've tried talking to my husband about it but he tends to avoid the subject.. I'm trying to figure out a different way of approaching it and making him understand how I feel and that I can't move on till I let all my feelings out. I want to lose weight for my own health and not to please my in laws. I thankful that I don't live near my in laws and can be far away from their rude comments.

ADARKARA Posts: 1,240
8/24/12 12:15 P

I am VERY lucky in that even though I married an only son and moved him 500 miles from home, my in-laws both loved me and always complimented me on various things.

To me, though, your in-laws sound like major buttholes. Does your husband love you the way you are? Are you beautiful to him? If so, that's the ONLY thing that matters. Screw everyone else, and only focus on the people that are truly important.

SWANATOPIA Posts: 1,048
8/24/12 11:45 A

My mother in law tells me the same things.....I have been married to her "only son" for 16 years.

Don't take it personal....you stole her son's heart because you are a beautiful person!

Don't do this for anyone but yourself......you deserve the best!

ERIGUST SparkPoints: (1,931)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 503
8/24/12 2:34 A

Sweetie, reaching your goal weight won't make you happy. It will be thrilling, but you will still be the same person, same problems, same life. What I'm saying is please learn to love yourself as is, it wil, feel great to lose weight but you might feel let down if you think things will be different. I have been many sizes and I felt as you did, I was always surprised to lose weight but not feel any different. Your husband marrying you a little bit heavier is the most telling of all, HE LOVES YOU. It is sickening your in laws said ANY of that, please feel sorry for them and their ignorance. Try to separate yourself emotionally from there toxic words. Getting healthy is a wonderful feeling, but it is a process, and self improvement in all areas is what I wish for all of us. Many people never Find that special person, you did! The person he lloves has value and worth.

ZIPPERGIRL_ Posts: 58
8/22/12 10:44 A

LOVEXAVIE is so right, i forgot to say that. i was married for 29 years, and when i look back at the pix from the times i felt fat and unattractive, i only wish i knew then what i know now. i was wasting so many precious moments hiding and worrying about how i looked to other people. good people, the kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, love you for your heart and your mind, your innate goodness.

don't put pressure on yourself, there are plenty of other ppl who want to do that for you. [what gives them the right?] don't allow it.

hugs, sweetie.

LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (29,266)
Fitness Minutes: (28,906)
Posts: 1,990
8/21/12 11:54 P

My dear,

There are a number of issues here. All I can say is I'm sure you looked beautiful. I will lay you odds that 20 yrs from now, you will look back at those pictures and think, "I was so pretty then! Why did I spend so much time fretting about my weight??"

Please re-think "skinny" as some kind of goal. What is so attractive about being "skinny?" A little fat & well placed muscle gives you curves & strength (both very attractive). Your focus should be on being healthy, not skinny. Wherever healthy takes you is where you want to go.

I have learned: you don't lose weight to get healthy; you get healthy and the weight comes off. Getting healthy means eating healthy (most of the time), getting exercise, enough sleep and managing your stress (less time with those inlaws).

And this may help you as well: I never did well trying to lose weight on a deadline. I know some people do it; I was never one who did well under those parameters. It stressed me out so I would end up sabotaging myself and just "quit."
Once I adopted getting healthy as a lifestyle and not a *diet,* it all fell into place, much more sanely and naturally (and even faster) than I could ever have dreamed.

Get healthy for yourself, because you deserve it! Don't let those ridiculous comments from the inlaws even occupy your brain. Pfft! That is just mean and silly of them. People that overly focus on outward appearances usually have other issues going on.

Good luck to you and try not to let the knuckleheads get you down.



MARIAX11 Posts: 261
8/21/12 9:36 P

I am so sorry that you are so sad about this. It is so hurtful. There is no good reason for them to treat you this way, and shame on your husband for making a promise that you will be "skinny" when they see you next. What is their definition of "skinny" anyway? You are not a puppet that he can control. You are your own person who deserves to be loved and respected. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it goes to show that your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up for you when his family is criticizing you and putting you down. He needs to protect you.

If I were you, I would talk to your husband and explain to him how hurt and depressed you are. He needs to know the extent of the emotional damage his family is doing to you. I had sort of the same problem when I was married. Nothing I did was ever right. My (ex) husband gained 100 lbs over the course of the 10 years that we were together. I cooked healthy meals. I coudn't help it that while I was at work, he ate all kinds of fast food and junk and snacks with absolutely no limit. But I was still blamed for his weight gain, because I was "such a good cook." I used to tell him that just because I cooked, I didn't shove the food down his throat. He is the only one who has control over what he puts in his mouth (or in his case, none).

Please don't think you have to lose weight to please his family, or your husband. Do it for you, for the sake of your own health, not simply for appearance or to be "skinny" for them.

Those are such terrible things for your mother-in-law to say, considering she had not met you beforehand. Does she talk like that to everyone at a first meeting? For crying out loud! It goes to show she has no love in her heart! How can a person fix their mouth to say such things?

Please don't blame yourself! I am sorry that it is making you depressed. Rather than try to make such a huge goal for yourself and get overwhelmed, try to make a small goal each day, whether it is to take a walk, or drink more water, or eat a healthy meal or do something nice for yourself. Start small, and if you stumble, start over. Each day gives us the chance to start again.

Good luck!

INSANITY77 SparkPoints: (4,354)
Fitness Minutes: (3,610)
Posts: 82
8/21/12 9:03 P

Online Now  • ))
i really feel bad for you
it is tough when family criticizes
they are the ones that are supposed to love and support us the most
but don't realize how hurtful their words and actions can be
i can relate since i always feel my weight makes me the target of jokes, pity and criticism in my family.

but try to not let it get you down
you are MORE than what a number on a scale is!!!!

PROLOE SparkPoints: (11,896)
Fitness Minutes: (40,583)
Posts: 92
8/21/12 8:49 P

So sorry to hear they're putting you down!

Your weight is none of their business, it's not even your husband's business.
This is about you and what makes you feel good in your own skin.

Instead of just focusing on weight, how about focusing on exercise as well.
Sign up for some fun classes - or find a way to exercise with your husband (biking, long walks).
That way you both get healthy and you also can enjoy time as a couple and work on your relationship.

ZIPPERGIRL_ Posts: 58
8/21/12 5:52 P

oh sweetie, lots of people feel a bit letdown after their wedding. so you're dealing with two issues here, the normal settling in [the 'is this all there is' feelings] and the insensitivity of your husband [yes, he's part of the problem] and his family.

it's easy to say, don't listen, don't let them bring you down, don't let them rain on your parade, but it hurts when ppl say mean things. like, i am so sure they are perfect. right? your extra weight isn't YOU. you are the woman your husband married. if they can't make an effort to know YOU, the sensitive and loving woman that you are, then they don't deserve you. you owe them nothing. remove these toxic ppl from your mind, from your life. and if your husband can't understand it, then he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, too. refuse to see them until you can look them in the eye, and tell them to mind their own business, your marriage is all about you, and your inner happiness.

ZORBS13 SparkPoints: (101,408)
Fitness Minutes: (102,440)
Posts: 13,144
8/21/12 4:39 P

I want to kick your husband in the junk for promising his family that you'd be thin.

THAT, to me, is absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (140,597)
Fitness Minutes: (210,610)
Posts: 20,739
8/21/12 3:08 P

STOLENHEART-,

I'm sure you were am absolutely gorgeous bride !

As far as your in laws are concerned. the only thing wrong you did was marry their son. Hate to say this, but for some parents NO ONE is ever good enough for their child. Even if you did lose weight and became super skinny in their eyes, they would still find something to criticize you about. Your weight (and you aren't overweight) just happens to be a convenient target for them. I hope with time, they will learn to love you for the wonderful person that you are.

You can't change them. You can only change how YOU react to them. If you allow their petty comments to get to you, you're going to end up miserable. Where is your husband ? What does he say to his parents ? Does he stand up for you ? If not, it's about time that he said something. If he stands up, they might back down.

Don't try to lose weight to make them happy. They'll never be happy. You have to lose weight for your own reasons, not theirs. You can't please everyone. it's impossible. Your husband married you because he loved you ! That's what really counts. Lose weight because it's what you want.

Try to stay positive ! Try to be strong ! If your family won't support you, the Spark Community will.


emoticon

STOLENHEART- Posts: 250
8/21/12 2:59 P

I got married on July 15. I was so excited to get married, and it was the best day of my life. There were some things that wasn't the way I wanted it to be. But now that it's over and looking at the pictures I can't stop beating myself up for not being at my goal weight and not putting as much effort as I could have to lose the weight. Before the wedding family that I met for the first time always brought up my weight and told me that I should have lost it before the wedding and such. My in laws as well after I got married and stayed at their house would talk about my weight and how fat I was at my wedding. My mother in law told me that they next time I see her or by the time I come back to visit her for her for my brother in laws wedding that I should be more skinny. But the thing that got me the most is when she blamed me for my husband putting on some weight. Since she didn't meet me till the wedding she told me that after seeing me she realized that I make everyone fat, and most importantly she's disappointed seeing her son fat because it shows that I don't take care of him well.

It's been a month since my wedding but still I feel like I've disappointed my in laws and my family by not making a good impression because of my weight and I don't want to look back at the pictures ever. I'm disgusted by how I look. I always dreamed and hoped that on my wedding day I would make myself happy by being at my goal weight. But now I feel like I can never do it, because before i got married if the wedding couldn't motivate me to work hard then what can?

I've become depressed since the wedding thinking I'm not good enough. I know that my husband loves me but I feel like I didn't make a good impression on his family. His family made him promise that by the next time they see me that I will be skinny. And it just hurts that he would have to promise something like that. I don't know what to do.

We are having a reception that I'm planning for my family and friends. I want to lose weight before then so I'm hoping to delay it as much as I can because I don't want to look back and be fat for that also.

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