Fitness Minutes: (10,436)
243 4/25/13 10:04 A
You cannot expect her to adjust to this change over night. You were the one who raised her this way and sadly for you your are asking her to change during the worst time in her development. In the end, you need to remember that you are the reason she is in this pickle, not her. Life did not place her in this situation, you did. Remember this will help keep your head on straight and keep you from expecting too much of her too fast.
My advice to you is to start teaching her that the good things in life aren't physical. That there is joy in doing things for yourself (like doing your own chores). Start giving her 'fun' projects like start a family garden, or start having her cook/bake with you. Teach her that while work is hard, it is worth it when you can reap the fruits of your labor. Start up a new traditions (like try a new ethnic meal every week), find family time to play games or go for hikes. Find ways of showing her that fun doesn't have to mean physical items.
For example, if she likes coffee, start researching plants that contain caffeine in it. Grow those and find recipes to use them in.
Fitness Minutes: (31,721)
367 4/18/13 10:31 A
There are books / classes / free online articles on how to be appropriately honest with children and teenagers about new financial realities in this economic climate. She needs to understand the new realities.
She's also lashing out because she's scared. Life was one way, without worries, and now it's another way, with one of the biggest worries anyone faces - lack of money. And she has no control over that and she's starting to realize that in a rude awakening sort of way. She's scared and that's valid. She's lashing out because she doesn't know how else to handle it. In a way, better for her to take it out on you than go out and make other negative choices.
She needs your patience and grace and there are healthy ways to ask her to offer such in return. This is what family is about. Good luck.
Even though chores have been part of her life for most of her life, they're still a sore point with our teen. She'd way rather NOT do them, and still tries to find excuses to get out of doing them.
What we have found that works (more or less) in our situation is giving her a set of chores to do daily and weekly (a very short list, by the way) and paying her a set allowance per week. For every chore she does NOT do, she gets a deduction taken from her allowance. If one of us has to do it because she didn't bother, then she gets a double deduction taken from her allowance. The first time she did the calculations and found out that she owed us money instead of us owing her, she became a LOT more diligent about doing her chores.
I do want to clarify that she has always known our financial situation. If there wasn't money for something, we haven't hidden that. She has a pretty good understanding of economics, given her age, and of what things cost.
What is it about teenagers today...everything is given to them on a silver platter. The bottom line is that a family is a team...each member brings something to the table...give her a list of chores that need to get done around the house tell her nobody likes cleaning the toilet but it has to be done...and get her to pick a few she doesn't mind doing ...at a certain age there are expectations at least in my mind...everyone in the house needs to help...Especially in this fast pace world of today...give her an allowance you can afford...you taught her to walk and talk...part of our job as parents is to teach our children the value of a dollar bill...teach her how to save her money and to use her it wisely...if she is finding the allowance is not meeting her needs she will have to look for work...that is what we do when the paycheque doesn't cover the bills...she will give you a hard time...expect it...expect it to be loud with lots of arguments and differencing options...but in the end she will know how to manage her money and her house when it comes time. I had 4 children...2 of them were stepsons...they hated me...and i constantly heard them say "you are not my mom"...but now that they are grown and have children of their own they are so thankful...and just the other day i saw the one of them hand their little boy of 5 a broom and said he is teaching him early...we both laughed knowing what we went through...he has many times said he wants to raise his kids like how he was raised..lots of hard work and fun!!!!...hang in there....be strong...be firm...throw some humor into it...and make it fun...she will get it later on trust me.
How much of the situation have you told her? Would you be comfortable sharing at least some of the budget with her, like this is how much we have per month, I need to save this amount for retirement, rainy day fund, the car we will need in a while, just in case the roof falls in, (whatever). Then we need to pay out this for bills, groceries, etc. This is how much we have left over for everything else (if there is any). If she can see why she can no longer have what she used to, she may be more willing to help out and get some of her own money. As for chores, I don't know. It is hard when they have not had to do it. Maybe focus on one or two things, like I am working more now and I need help with the dinner and dishes, lawn mowing, bathroom cleaning or whatever. I know some families have made the kids bedroom their own domaine and as long as they kept food out, anything went. I cannot do that and I make my kids clean their rooms every morning before school and the basement play room at least once a week so I can dust and vacuum (mine are pretty young still). I am paying my daughter to do my least favorite chore- cleaning up the yard after the dog- so she can buy her most coveted doll (it's taking her forever to earn the money but hey, if she wants it she can earn it, right!) Not sure this is much help, but giving kids (even teenagers) some ownership in the solution can help. If they can see the problem, help come up with a solution, and you are willing to listen to the suggestions, it may help especially if you can show her how you are sacrificing as well. Maybe say " I need help here, which of these chores can you help me with"?
I am in heated conflict with my daughter, and I know that I have set this up and am reaping the benefits of my parenting choices. Here's the situation. While we had two incomes, and both of us worked a 8 hour day, I was pretty free with money for my teenager, and didn't harp to much about chores, but would do them for her. Recently we changed to one paycheck, and my now self employed husband is working 15 hour days, leaving all the parenting and chores to me. It wont be forever, and I know that eventually he will bring home a salary but it is for now. So I have cut off the teenager for frivolous things, telling her she can get a job to pay for her starbucks, and movies. While I am still working 8 hours, I have parenting duties before and after work that my husband used to do, so I don't have the time or the energy to do her chores. She is responding to the change rather negativly. I need feedback on ways that I can get her to buy into this system, when it's such a negative one for her. She had it pretty good, and now LIFE is bursting her bubble.
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