I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you need some professional help. There is help out there, I hope you find some. Just remember you are a gorgeous person and don't let anyone take that from you.
I hope you actively seek and find the professional help you need. Recognizing and admitting it is the biggest and most important step, but you still have to do the work. Looking at this from the outside and years of experience,
I think you should be focusing on developing a healthy and stable relationship with yourself before you even worry about relationships with boys. A strong, real relationship is not dependent on what you weigh and confidence comes from within, not whether someone likes you based on your looks.
Fitness Minutes: (50,979)
3,236 12/25/12 9:08 P
Fitness Minutes: (4,362)
3,171 12/25/12 2:36 P
I'm recovery from anorexia, purge type (bulimia).
This is a saying in the eating disorder community:
"Genetics loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger"
My suggestion is to also seek out counseling at your university. I go to therapy every 2 weeks, see multiple specialists (due to permanent damage), and attend nutritional counseling.
It's VERY important to get a diagnosis because people with eds have high rates of Comorbidity( they meet the criteria for other mental illnesses)
There are some thoughts/behaviors that you mentioned that could suggest that it might not be just anorexia/bulimia.
Here's how my ed made me feel:
It made me feel numb, I didn't seek help because I wanted to look unattractive, and I kept everyone at a distance. I didn't do it to look like a Victoria secrets model (they have curves and that terrified me.) I kept everything bottled up, was a people pleaser, the one that everyone could depend on.
I pleased everyone so that they could leave me alone to self-destruct.
My experience and reasons to reject help are different than yours, but I can still relate to wanting to get help and being terrified of gaining the weight.
On the surface, it might seem like you are doing this to avoid being alone, to get back at people, or to feel attractive but it's not.
It's been over a month so you still have insight and a willingness to change. It gets so much harder to fully assess the damage and to change after a couple of months or years. For some people (like me) the ed becomes their identity and they don't know any other way to be.
There is nothing that you have done yet that can't be undone.
I can tell from your post that you recognize your need for help. However, this site, our members and our experts are not qualified to provide the counseling that you need.
Since you are a college student, I encourage you to check with your "health services" clinic. Most college students now have this type of counseling available.
I also encourage you to talk with your family to find resources in your area. Check with your doctor, a mental health clinic, an eating disorder program---this will begin the healing process that you so need.
SP Registered Dietitian Becky
Fitness Minutes: (10)
14 12/25/12 12:32 P
Last month, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. I have always had incredibly low self esteem (partially as a result of an abusive childhood), but it was after this that I began to really loathe the way I looked. I was 30 pounds overweight. He was posting pictures on Facebook and friending all of these gorgeous girls who were thin... which made it even worse. At first, I wasn't eating because I just couldn't. I was too torn from the breakup to even care about food. As the days progressed, it turned from depression to anger. I was angry that I couldn't manage to keep him and it was all my fault... and didn't eat as a form of self punishment (there may be a little bit of control factor as well). After that feeling subsided, I continued eating very little because I wanted to look as sexy as the girls who I knew he would find to be attractive and also started purging (shouldn't have watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show). I know I am attractive, especially when I am thin, I adore the way I look. So in light of this, after being rejected by a boy or two, I got really determined to be thin and didn't eat much in an "I'll show you, you're going to be sorry" attitude. In a four week period, I lost 15 pounds. Then, I came home from college on Christmas break. I was looking good and feeling good. I was getting attention from attractive boys, etc. As I started to heal from the breakup and be around family who loved me, I began to eat again. Well all of my "sexy-girl" bliss fell flat on its face... The weight came back (not even close to all of it, but I can see the chubbiness coming back in my face). I knew this would happen but I was too angry to care. Now, food looks like the enemy. I don't want it because I feel its "evil" and going to result in me being fat, which is the equivalent of being rejected. I've also been binge eating a lot lately. I'll be really good with what I eat, and exercise... only to get this absolutely consuming urge to eat (and I do... a lot). Right after I do this, I decide the only way to make up for it is to work out for hours or throw-up. I need to get out of this mindset, and do this the healthy way, but I don't want the weight to come back. The thought of being back at 160 terrifies me and makes me physically ill. I'm already on my way back up the scale and its near giving me an anxiety attack. I can't take it. I've been drinking TONS of water, maybe even in an unhealthy amount, as an attempt to get rid of any water weight. I'm doing everything but the right thing to lose the weight... I need some serious help to get back on track. I refuse to do anything but get down to 130, but I need to do it the healthy way. I just don't know how to get myself out of here. It is really a simple fix, but the fear of gaining the weight back prevents me from doing so. I like this guy and am afraid he won't want me anymore if I look the way I did at 160. So shallow and ridiculous I know. I don't want a serious thing with him, I just want a male companion to keep me company. I'm so lonely. And pale from all of this starving. And my under eyes are so ugly and bruised looking now. What have I done... :(
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