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ZSAZSAJANNY SparkPoints: (13,841)
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2/20/11 2:17 P

It's a sad fact that there are as many UNromantic men out there as there are romantic ones. They are just different than us in oh so many ways.

I've been married 35 years now and I often get nothing on any of the 'special' occasions. Either he is busy, forgot,... the list of reasons goes on and on. However, I don't doubt that he loves me. He just doesn't often show it in the tangible ways that I would like to see it expressed (even after letting him know how he's blown it!).

You have to decide it little things like this are the deal breaker for you because it probably won't get better. It might....or then again...it might not. Will it continue to bother you this much if it goes on and on for years?

MIKCHER SparkPoints: (7,645)
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2/17/11 7:49 P

A gift on one day a year, or two or three counting other holidays and b'days, does not mean much to me.
Its all the other times that count!

The times my hubby will take care of a sick child in the middle of the night without waking me up (last night in fact), or when he lets me take a nap on a weekend and doesn't wake me up to feed and water animals with him - he does it all himself.

Its how he'll text me twice a day during his break times to check that everything is going fine.

He'll start my car every morning during winter so its nice and warm when I go out.

Granted, he's a pain in the rear sometimes like any man can be, but I don't judge my worth on a made up holiday and how much he spends or doesn't spend. Life is too short, and I know he loves me - because of all the other things he does!

(we've been married for almost 13 years)

Edited by: MIKCHER at: 2/17/2011 (19:51)
OUTDOORSDC Posts: 524
2/17/11 7:05 P

Well, as a single person who is blissfully happy running around and doing a million things that I probably wouldn't be able to do if I were in a relationship, I have to say that it's important to start with yourself. Now this is much easier for me to say because I'm not in a relationship, and so I didn't have any expectations at all for Valentine's Day, and my life in general is pretty uncomplicated when it comes to the negotiation/relationship compromise sorts of things (this is a trade off to all of the wonderful things that happen in a relationship). Anyhow, I think the key here is to ask yourself if you really *know* why your boyfriend didn't give you anything. Meditation has really helped me begin to see the difference between reality and my crazy-busy-mind's perception of reality. Two fundamentally different things. Fundamentally different. Your boyfriend doesn't give you a gift, he doesn't pick up on your hints, and you draw conclusions about what that means (he doesn't love you, he doesn't have time for you, he's selfish - whatever!) Do any of us really know why he didn't give you anything? No. Maybe you could start by learning why, and then try to sort out what that means to you once you know. But you have to know. Do you see how much suffering there is in wondering, projecting, carrying around the hurt and anger, etc.? At least find out what's really going on here and then make some decisions. Knowing that you're the most important person here, and that you have to be true to the things you want and need. But just don't get caught up in the circle of wondering and suffering in silence. This is obviously someone you love, and so it seems worth the time and effort to just ask him openly.

EVELYNGB SparkPoints: (566)
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2/17/11 6:05 P

why did you make him 15+ vday cards?

Most guys are not romantic. And to force them to be romantic on a specific day of the year is awkward for them. You seem like you would be disappointed no matter what he did. If it was such a romantic and special day why would you get a roommate a gift?

Just be straight with him. You expect flowers on vday and possibly a dinner. Then he knows what to do and it wont be so awkward.

BNBLYNNE Posts: 395
2/17/11 11:02 A

I agree.......I think it's a stupid holiday.
I used to get mad at wasted money.......this year I got nothing and I was happy.
Everyone is different.

HONEYFIN SparkPoints: (0)
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2/17/11 9:58 A

Well, you may be in the minority, KALORIE-KILLAH, but I'm with you (per my first post) on speaking to the boyfriend. I must admit that I did like the idea of the flowers as a way to bring it up, but then, I'm not a very confrontational person (not saying you are, but you do appear more comfortable being with blunt/straight-forward than maybe some of the rest of us. I'm doing better on that, though!)

I do NOT think *this* is a reason to get rid of him, either! If this is the worse he does, then you, Ancient Autumn, (LOVE the name!) are extremely fortunate. Perhaps some of us are jumping to conclusions because he didn't get her a gift or card. We don't know the rest of the relationship...maybe he's had bad Valentine's experiences in the past, or maybe he just didn't think it was a big deal. I do think men are mostly fabulous (even when one says they are pigs! I certainly don't think so at all.) However, maybe he just didn't think or realized it would hurt his gal.

Like I said before, I hope you can rescue this holiday, because I think it's a lovely one. Even when I was single, I loved it. I love hearts, I love cards and I love chocolate. How can I not love Valentine's Day?
emoticon

I wouldn't just jump to the idea he doesn't care about me, unless there is more evidence to make me feel that way. He may be like my father who shows his love all year long rather than make a big deal on a certain day. Yes, he does get Mama gifts, but mostly, he shows his love in fixing things around the house, taking her to chemotherapy when she needed it (and waiting there for the whole time rather than just drop her off, as other people did their folks), and in working hard all his life to take care of his family.

I still don't think you're petty for being upset, and I still think it would be a good idea to bring up (however is comfortable for you) the point that this day was one you hoped would be recongnized by him. However, hopefully he has other more wonderful qualities that can be remembered and appreciated, in case Valentine's Day is just not his thing.

Wishing you love and happiness, to you and all who may read this.


SHARK59 SparkPoints: (30,449)
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2/17/11 9:20 A

Men are pigs.
We are also very poor mind readers.
Because of this we need a little extra communication - and if we don't get it after that - then kick us to the curb.

Do well.

Shark

KALORIE-KILLAH SparkPoints: (20,313)
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2/17/11 9:03 A

Wow. I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't see how a highschool-esque approach of hinting to your boyfriend with "I got my girlfriend [item] for Valentine's Day!" in passing counts as telling him you want something. I still feel strongly that an adult approach of sitting down and discussing what is expected in a relationship is key in avoiding awkward and frustrating situations such as this.

And, really... are you serious that someone should kick their boyfriend to the curb if he doesn't give them something for Valentine's Day? I don't get anything for Valentine's Day because... well... I don't want anything! And you know how my boyfriend knows I don't want anything for the "holiday"? Because I told him this over 6 years ago like an adult.

It's different if you actually tell your guy, "Listen. Valentine's Day is important to me, so please at least get me a card and a small gift," and THEN he does nothing. But if he simply gets you nothing because you never outwardly told him to his face what you expect, why end a relationship over that? Nobody - male or female - is a mind reader! If you really think "flowers would have been nice"... maybe next time tell him to his face, "I want flowers for Valentine's Day" instead of poorly hinting at it.

The idea that a Hallmark holiday of overpriced chocolate and teddy bears could really be the catalyst for ending a relationship is absolutely beyond me. But if it is so important to you, the most important thing is to communicate this to your significant other.

*steps off soapbox*

Edited by: KALORIE-KILLAH at: 2/17/2011 (09:07)
TRUELOVE662010 Posts: 282
2/16/11 9:35 P

Unless you specifically say you don't want anything for Valentine's Day, he should at the VERY least get you SOMETHING. The poster below me mentioned the same idea already, but a friend also told me the same thing a few years ago.

My boyfriend and I have been dating 8 months. He is currently stationed in country, about to deploy and not at his regular base. He planned 6 weeks ahead (he has no internet where he is) and sent flowers and a soft cuddly teddy bear, with a wonderfully loving message to me ON VALENTINES DAY, even though we agreed to celebrate this weekend when we see each other (FINALLY!!!!)

If he can do it, your man can certainly do it. He could MAKE something. Anything. It could be something special to just you two, something you like to do together.

I hate to put it so bluntly, but it looks like you aren't important to him. You are better than that my beautiful SP friend. Kick him to the curb and stop wasting your time with a ZERO who won't treat you right. You deserve WAY better. I can tell that about you already.

Just my very opinionated 2 cents.

Happy Valentine's Day Autumn! -Kim :)

CHICKEEGIRL Posts: 62
2/16/11 7:29 P

A male friend just told me today..." any girl whose boyfriend doesn't get her something for Valentine's Day..should end it right there. That's a guy who is never going to get it..and make her happy."

I think that is great advice. Nothing is better than a man who treats you special. A card, flowers, a cake..chocolates. thoughtfulness. Don't live your life without that..you are worth more.

Edited by: CHICKEEGIRL at: 2/16/2011 (19:30)
AMZY68 Posts: 400
2/16/11 6:09 P

I can understand how you feel. My boyfriend isn't a big valentines guy either so we agreed to just buy small, cute gifts for each other. We didnt go out on the 14th either which I was more disappointed about. I did make it clear though and he took me out instead to make up for it - us women have more power than we think ;)

AMYJO456 SparkPoints: (0)
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2/16/11 5:31 P

First of all I LOVE the name Ancient Autumn!!
Here's my Valentine's Day story for about 17 years. My BF at the time (who married his other GF and is now dead), always brought me flowers on 2/13 saying the lines were long, told me how much they cost, etc. In hindsight, wonder how many women he was buyin flowers for!
So, hopefully your guy is not exhibiting ANY of these characteristics. I would make sure he knows how you feel though!!
Good luck and happy belated Valentine's from another GF (online). Amy emoticon

JHS1982 SparkPoints: (0)
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2/16/11 9:06 A

I would say that you should NOT take it personally. Some women think Valentine's Day is a stupid Hallmark holiday. My wife got made at me for spending too much money on her for such a day. Unfortunately, your guy didn't seem to get the hints you dropped, so maybe you talk about the great and romantic things that your friends received and talk about how great that is, without criticizing your lack of present. Unless he is a total duntz, he will realize that he should have gotten you something and he'll make it up to you. I'm surprised he didn't feel bad when you got him something. Is he short on cash? Has he gotten you anything in years past?

VAMACKGIRL SparkPoints: (32,575)
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2/16/11 5:56 A

Me neither, I was already a bit (silently) upset with him for sneaking away for an entire day with his boys going dirtbike riding. Phone off, how convenient......
Thank God there wasnt an emergency, but our 2 sons and I could have gone and done something, besides sit home all day long............Inconsiderate....

JELLYKNEES SparkPoints: (10,287)
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2/16/11 4:23 A

Some men aren't romantics and some worry about getting the wrong thing and so do nothing. I'm a pretty cheap date .... I don't need fine wines and jewelery etc. to be happy but something, anything thoughtful would be nice. I once had a boyfriend in college who "hated" birthdays, Christmas, New Years parties, Valentine's Day ... I looked into the future with that party pooper and moved on.

HELENWHEELS Posts: 19
2/15/11 9:38 P

I agree! After my fiance missed our first Valentine's Day, I set my expectations VERY CLEARLY! Now, he knows exactly what I really want...a thoughtful gift...nothing expensive, just thoughtful. He hasn't dropped the ball since.

Women put too much pressure on men to know what makes us happy. Luckily, my fiance told me early on that men never, EVER, understand a hint. Instead, they practically need to be hit over the head with something to "get" it. Men and women are wired differently...once we understand this, relationships go much more smoothly!



POLARCARDS7 Posts: 305
2/15/11 9:36 P

My bf is not very romantic and says he thinks valentines day is stupid. Sometimes I want to scream, "its not all about you!" Oh well, flower prices are outrageous on valentines day. Does he ever get you flowers at random times?

KALORIE-KILLAH SparkPoints: (20,313)
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2/15/11 9:32 P

Sounds like a lack of communication. In the three years you've been together, have you ever talked about holidays and gift-giving expectations?

Ever since our first set of holiday's in our relationship, my boyfriend and I declared what we expect. Neither of us like Valentine's Day very much, so there are no flowers, gifts, etc. - just a card (sometimes) and spending quality time together. The only holidays we exchange gifts for are birthdays, Christmas (for him), and Chanukah (for me). He knows I don't like flowers. I know that he's not good at picking out cards. Talking about this within the first year of dating means that now (7 years later) we don't have awkward holidays!

So, instead of eating your sorrows away, look at it in a mature way: talk to him like an adult in a 3-year relationship. Tell him what you expect, ask him what he expects, and end this poor communication! Food won't solve this... talking will!

JEANIECOLLEEN Posts: 530
2/15/11 9:32 P

Buy yourself something and tell others you love that you do!

POLARCARDS7 Posts: 305
2/15/11 9:27 P

My bf is not very romantic and says he thinks valentines day is stupid. Sometimes I want to scream, "its not all about you!" Oh well, flower prices are outrageous on valentines day. Does he ever get you flowers at random times?

HONEYFIN SparkPoints: (0)
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2/15/11 9:18 P

Oooo! I really like Froggiebear's suggestions! Lots of plus sides is always a good thing.

FROGGIEBEAR SparkPoints: (6,910)
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2/15/11 8:22 P

I agree you have the right to be upset, trust me I would have and have been there. Instead of drowing yourself in chocolate (as yummy as that sounds) why don't you buy yourself the flowers that you wanted him to buy you. Plus side, you get flowers, plus side you won't eat them ( emoticon ) plus side when he asks you where they came from you tell him that you bought them for yourself for valentine's day and leave it at that he will get the hint for next year and then there will be no fight (another plus side)
emoticon

HONEYFIN SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 118
2/15/11 7:18 P

Oh, my goodness! You are NOT being petty or anything like that. Valentine's Day is special and it's sad that he either forgot the day or isn't a Romantic.

Maybe y'all can celebrate an "un-Valentine's day" together. It's not wrong to let him know, gently, that you had wished he had celebrated the day with you. Maybe suggest you do something special together on another day this month. We usually celebrate Valentine's Day on the 22nd because for our first one together, he was in Iraq, and was able to be home later that month...and the 22nd is when he proposed to me. This year we had to celebrate a little early because he left on another mission. If there's not another special day for you in February, maybe make it the 28th, to wish Februrary farewell.

Whatever you do or don't do, I for one do get that you're disappointed. I would be, too. Hope you're able to rescue this holiday together.


Edited by: HONEYFIN at: 2/17/2011 (09:39)
PIXYPRINCESS620 Posts: 23
2/15/11 6:39 P

I know how you feel; after twelve years off/on I would have expected SOMETHING even though we are not "technically" together (we own a home together though and are best friends). I received....nada. We did go out to eat last night, but as far as a typical Valentine's day...nope. Men can be like that, and we can get upset with them until the cows come home, but the truth of the matter is..their minds are different from ours. Perhaps he was worried that if he bought you chocolates you would accuse him of sabotaging your diet? A lot of guys don't like to waste money on flowers since they don't last very long. And cards? It's rare to find a man who consistently remembers those. Just keep your chin up and know there are MILLIONS of us in the same boat. And I wouldn't go buy tons of Valentine's day chocolate; just buy one heart that should be on sale now, keep it in the freezer, and eat it over the year. A year of him seeing it in the freezer should be enough to give him the hint for next year. Hope this helps!

ANCIENTAUTUMN Posts: 85
2/15/11 6:31 P

I would have thought dating for three years would mean he would do SOMETHING for Valentines day... I made him 15+ personalized Vday cards which I gave him at the end of the day. I told him a few days before that I had gotten my room mate (girl, single) a vday gift. If I was getting her something I thought it would be an easy guess to think I was DEFINITELY getting him something. I know it's just valentines day and that obviously he didn't know not doing anything would upset me- I didn't think it would either until the day after. Now all I want to do is buy myself too much chocolate. I'm kind of embarrassed to even bring it up with him because I don't know how without sounding petty. Flowers would have been nice.

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