It sounds like you've made a lot of physical successes, but you're stuck in a very negative emotional view of yourself. How long have you defined yourself as "fat"? Because that's how many days, months, and years of negative self talk you're fighting against and that's why you feel doomed. If you're anything like me, that is a mountain of darkness that you don't have the first idea how to deal with.
This is what I did. It's going to be hard at first because it's a skill you have to develop but work through it. Find a journal. Buy a journal. Make a journal. Acquire a journal, somehow. Something small enough that you can carry with you. When you have a negative thought, don't write down the thought but write down why it's not true.
ex. Thought: "I'm fat." Write, "I've lost 8 inches off my shoulders." That is an incredible success and it should be celebrated.
Here's an example of one of mine. I thought, "I'm an idiot." I wrote, "I got an A on my last quiz in Pathology and Diagnosis."
When you start doing this, you may be dismayed at how quickly the pages fill up. But that's part of the exercise; it makes you realize how much negative self-talk you really do.
At the end of the day, pick one thing you really like about yourself. Write that down. Again, at first this may be hard. But again, that's part of the exercise - to make you realize how little supportive and positive self-talk you have.
In the immortal words of Susan from [Title of Show]:
"Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill *******, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it’s the voice of reason."
The song is about not listening to the voices of yourself and others that are holding you back from the things you want in life. Learning how to do this got me to my goals, but it also helped me gain my confidence and learn to love myself.It takes time, but don't despair. We're all here rooting for you and if you ever need a nudge towards the light just message me, or anyone else on Spark.
You are worth being healthy.