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TRINITYROYAL Posts: 2,399
6/3/13 3:00 P

Just some outsider's input, feel free to take or discard whatever works for you.

I wonder if your efforts to motivate your husband are backfiring. You're saying, "I love you and I want you to be healthy", but he might be hearing "She doesn't love me the way I am, she's always trying to change me."

That's a pretty depressing thought to live with, that your wife isn't happy with you the way you are.

My suggestion would be to drop the subject entirely. Keep on with the healthy cooking and healthy habits, but stop talking about it. Show your husband (don't tell him, show him) that you love him and find him attractive regardless of his weight. Let your husband know that he's still your hero, no matter what. Ease up on the pressure and just love him.

My husband is 6'2" and at one time had over 200 lbs to lose. I revamped our family's diet and eating habits, and focused on getting healthy myself and instilling good health habits in our children. Rather than harping on Husband's weight loss, I packed lunches and snacks for him, made healthy dinners, went to all of his dietician appointments with him so that I could learn what was expected, and made it clear that Husband was the best man in the world, the only love of my life, and still as sexy as the day I first laid eyes on him (all of which was true, but he needed to know it).

He lost all of the weight he needed to lose, on his own terms and timeline. I've been there the whole time, not to nag, just to hold his hand and help where I can. He did gain some back after a setback with knee and back injuries and surgery, but he's back on track and losing again, and I'm using the same approach.

It's obvious to me that you love your husband, but it may not be so obvious to him if he's caught in the middle of this. I hope some of what I've said helps you.

All the best,
Trinity

DONTGOAWAYMAD Posts: 122
5/31/13 12:55 P

I've been where you are in trying to get my ex to lose weight. He was terrified of ending up diabetic, but wouldn't change his habits. Now, his fears are realized because of his choices. At 320 lbs. and 6'4, he was diagnosed. Now, he has to limit his food very strictly and inject insulin daily. Unfortunately, this is what it took to push him to start watching his diet and incorporating exercise into his life. He's lost 40 pounds, though, and can walk 2 miles a day now.

Sometimes, something really serious has to happen to change someone's outlook on their own health. And as their significant other, it sucks to watch it slowly unfold as they ignore/deny it.

Unfortunate Bottom Line:
You can't do anything about it.

I used to use my ex's poor eating habits and refusal to get active as an excuse to do the same. I suggest you find friends to exercise with for yourself so you don't feel hopeless and alone like I did.

Edited by: DONTGOAWAYMAD at: 5/31/2013 (12:59)
GRAVELRIDGEBOY SparkPoints: (31,345)
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5/30/13 1:24 P

To me it sounds like he is not ready to lose weight, but he is doing it for you anyways so take what you can get until he is ready.

The parking lot thing is easy, you drive and take control where to park. I use to park way out at the far end of parking lots just so I would not get door dents, you can make up your own excuse if you want, but I would just park and go on like nothing is different.

The hidden food says he is not ready for the diet he is on. What is he hiding though? If it is cupcakes then add that into his diet, just small proportions. If it is just normal food then he might not be getting enough calories to keep going all day. If you limit your calories too much then your body goes into a starvation mode which is bad and can counter act all the hard work.

Does he have any friends that are active or at least wants to be active? Some things you just can not do with your partner, if he had a workout buddy it might be better. Maybe you could talk to his friends or family (brother or cousin?) about helping without you getting on him. Also, what are you doing with the hidden food now? If you just leave it then you are kind of enabling him to sneak food. You could take some of it away and leave some, or replace it with healthier options in his hiding spots. But this is something that is different for each person, some people might respond to being confronted about the hidden food while others will just recent the people who are doing it and then just find better hiding spots. It is a touchy thing here that might need professional help. Food addiction (if that is what it is) can be just as bad as drugs and might need to be treated as such.

As I said before, these are just ideas... Good Luck

CHRISTINAT143 Posts: 2
5/30/13 1:03 P

I'm not really complaining, I'm just concerned that this situation is going to spiral out of control and there will be no point of return for him. I love him and want him to love himself as well.
I have tried suggesting things that would I think would interest him and he is never up for anything other than his normal routine.
I have suggested some little things like, parking the car a little further away so we can walk to the store, taking a family walk or hike on the weekends or playing with our daughter in the backyard for a little while.
I also have a feeling there is more eating going on when he's out at work, I really don't know for sure, but he complains that when he's stressed he eats. I have found hidden food in the house.
He used to like boxing and he has a bag, but he never uses it anymore. I try to encourage that as well, but the motivation is just not there. Then I get frustrated as well, I know he can do better. He's whole demeanor and confidence is just shot.
I was merely just looking for a guys point of view of how he might be feeling so I can help him. I've tried reaching out to him, but he just shuts down. I think he feels like he let me and himself down and he doesn't want to face it.

GLUECIPHER Posts: 1,329
5/30/13 11:54 A

Thats a tough one. I have struggled with the same problem for years. It took Diabetes to get me off my butt, and into the gym. Once you get going (thats the hardest part) then you look forward to it every day. I get angry now when I CAN"T go. I'm 3 months in now... I just have to keep it going. The ONE THING that keeps me motivated is this web site. I want those damn SP. I dont know why, but its in my mind all the time. Food tracking, excersize tracking - put it all together and it works.

Its just soooo hard to get through the first month. I have failed a few times. Sometimes I need a kick in bum. I hate being nagged.

RIVETPA Posts: 1,130
5/30/13 11:36 A

any kind of change to routine takes some time, and must be sustainable for it to become part of the 'new routine'.

Start slow, and build from there... I agree in asking "What does HE like to do?" - it's all part of making the exercise sustainable. If he doesn't like it, he won't continue doing it but if he does like it he will eventually start doing more of it.

For me, exercise is contagious - the more I do the more I want to do. Energy levels increase, and so does attitude - in a positive way.


RL1970 Posts: 36
5/30/13 11:12 A

Weight loss is, at least in my opinion, 80% diet. And that's fine if that's what your goal is but over all health needs both a good diet and exercise.

Being that large can really tire you out after working all day, I know because I was 340 at 5'10". I think a good first step would be to show him that the weight can be lost and that he can succeed at doing it. Maybe looking at some of the results from here or other places. Also, getting him to track and measure what he eats as a habit can be a huge step that doesn't take much effort.

Exercise can be tough to start when you're first trying to begin so try and find something that he enjoys that gets him away from the television. For many men, walking just isn't it so maybe weight lifting or something more competitive that is relatively low impact . Making it competitive taps into the male drive to win and makes us feel awfully good when we do. Lastly, since he is fairly sedentary, start slow and short periods of activity and then build up gradually. I started with a basic weight lifting routine 3 days a week for 30 minutes each session and built up over the course of a year and a half. I've just finished and begun my second round of the Insanity program.

That's my two cents, there's a number of folks here that can give excellent advice.


Edited by: RL1970 at: 5/30/2013 (11:13)
GRAVELRIDGEBOY SparkPoints: (31,345)
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5/30/13 10:49 A

You are complaining because he has only lost 11 pounds in the last 6 months? If you all are just starting out then let him get use to the diet first as it is the most important part of weight loss. You can go walking all you want, but if you are just coming home and eating more than you just burned off then it is not helping the weight loss. Being forced into weight loss in not a good motivator, sometimes you have to step back. People who lose weight slowly are more likely to keep it off and it also gives your skin time to try and shrink back down.

A few questions though,
-How many inches have you and him lost? Just losing weight might be losing muscle and that is not good.
-You said that he will not even let you look at him anymore, do you mean since he got this big or since the diet?
-What does HE like doing? If he likes cars then maybe you can take him to a car show, walking around there will get him up and out and distract him, just remember to bring healthy snacks with you so there is less temptation to stray from the diet.
-Does he have anyone he feels comfortable talking to about what is going on? It might be more than just the weight loss.

We are only getting one side of the story with limited information so these are just guesses and suggestions, it would be better if he was on here... Good Luck

CHRISTINAT143 Posts: 2
5/30/13 9:29 A

Hi, me and my husband are always struggling to be on the path of more healthier choices, but I walk and are more active then him and I enjoy it. He on the other hand on feels that watching what you eat will work for him, well it hasn't so far. To his credit, he has lost 11 lbs, but we have been watching since January. He is a big guy of 360 lbs, standing at 6'4. I believe he should at least lose 50 lbs and he will regain some energy and most importantly his confidence. He is not happy at this weight and has expressed his frustration to me several times. He won't even let me look at him anymore. I help as much as I can, I cook leaner meals and snacks, but if your not mentally into the change it will go no where.

So, my question to you is, how do I motivate him? What does he need from me so he can see that he can be a much better person. He works all day and then he is falling asleep at 8;00 at night. I feel our marriage is suffering, his time with his daughter and his health.
Any suggestions, would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks CT

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