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ANARIE Posts: 13,179
2/5/14 6:59 P

By the way, when you do start buying fruits and veggies and serving healthier meals, be prepared for him to say something about that. If/when he does, you answer, "Well, remember when you said I looked pregnant? I looked at you and realized that you do, too. Rather than being nasty back to you, I decided that for the sake of our daughter I would improve the way ALL of us eat." If you say it calmly, you make your point about how rude he was, but in a way that he really can't defend himself against. The *only* response he can give without being a total a**wipe is, "I didn't mean it that way," which will make him look and feel stupid.

UMBILICAL Posts: 12,786
2/5/14 3:24 P


TRYINGHARD54 Posts: 5,292
2/5/14 1:38 P

You take time for yourself. People are so rude
But it shouldn't come from your husband . emoticon

DOWN135 Posts: 842
2/5/14 1:29 P

It can be hard when you don't have the support at home you would like. So sorry your husband and father said that to you...but let that be your motivation to 'show em' that you're healthy and happy. that's how you start the it for you! Not for them. Buy your own fruits and vegetables. Start off with walking, the easiest exercise ever! And you'll love the outdoors. There are also plenty of online youtube videos and SparkPeople videos that you can do each day.
Good luck to you and look forward to following your progress.

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (240,655)
Fitness Minutes: (121,219)
Posts: 14,781
2/5/14 1:08 P

I'm pretty much on my own as far as nutrition and exercise. I've had various exercise buddies over the years, but they all fade away for one reason or another. Sure it's nice to walk with somebody or know that you have somebody waiting to meet you at the gym, but for me it's not realistic in the long term.

DH will eat the healthy food that I fix, but I don't eat much of what he cooks. He uses too much salt (or seasonings that contain a lot of salt). He doesn't sabotage me by buying things he knows will tempt me, but he's not a label reader. He'll buy whatever looks good to him and it's likely something I won't eat.

would your daughter walk with you? Or maybe you could use exercise as your quiet time - just for you to unwind.

I bet you can connect that DVD player if you give it a try. I took our front door off the hinges this morning so we could get rid of our old furniture. If DH had done it, we'd probably have marks all over the wall. AND I got the door back on the hinges by myself. Just had to get him to come hold it steady while I put the pins back in.

have a little faith - you can do anything you set your mind to do. If it's really important to you, you will find a way. Didn't you have to jump through some hoops to adopt your daughter? It was important to you, so you kept at it until you had her with you.

don't let what anybody says make you feel bad about yourself. Don't give anyone that kind of control.

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
Fitness Minutes: (40)
Posts: 1,068
2/5/14 12:05 P

I know everybody seems to be about "taking the high road" and not making that sort of comment right back to them, but if he is obese, then I sure as heck would have told him so after that comment. I would not lose weight FOR HIM. If you want to lose weight for you, then I wish you all the best. If he wants to lose weight too and you can be supportive of each other through the process. But it makes me mad when I hear of one spouse who is fat him or herself, putting down the other for being too fat.

JAMIRBLAZE Posts: 1,770
2/5/14 11:55 A

I think you have had great suggestions already. I think the most important thing is to find your reasons for wanting to be healthier and focus on those, instead of external reasons. I have a family member that said hurtful things about my weight. I lost weight, but that person found new hurtful things to say. Someone who wants to use their words to hurt you will find ways to do so whether you're a size 6 or 26. Maybe this is something that you need think about long term. Of course, we all say hurtful things from time to time without really understanding their impact, so you made need to spell things out to your husband if this isn't a pattern of behavior.

I would add that if you want someone to connect with, look for a Spark Team in your area. Many counties also host wellness programs (including fitness classes), there are walking/running groups, etc. There are all sorts of ways to meet new people in your area (in addition to Spark) that would be interested in fitness and a healthy lifestyle that would be supportive.

RACEWIFE Posts: 760
2/5/14 10:38 A

Lots of great support here and advise. And they are all right. You can only loose weight for yourself. Husbands can sometimes be so insensitive, I know mine can be sometimes. You need to point out his weight next time, and get the veges in the house.

I am sorry that he said that too you, come back to Spark! Nothing but the best in support here!

SUNSHINE99999 Posts: 18,108
2/5/14 10:31 A

now he owes you something nice

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,408
2/5/14 10:20 A

The best revenge for their comments would be living well and reaching your goals. You really have to be your own best friend and do it for yourself

Spark has some wonderful videos and strength training exercises. So you don't need your DVD player. If you don't have weights for strength training, then you can use soup cans. Just make sure that you have a good grasp of them so that you don't drop them.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 2/5/2014 (10:20)
ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (195,894)
Fitness Minutes: (292,213)
Posts: 26,969
2/5/14 9:49 A


You don't have to wait to have your husband hook up the DVD player. You could hook it up yourself OR you could use your computer to play the DVDs. If you have access to a computer, you have access to a CD ROM that will play DVDs.

As for fresh fruits, veggies and healthier foods. I agree, if you're doing the shopping, you can start including more fresh fruits and veggies. And if you're on a budget, you don't need to buy fresh. Frozen veggies are just as nutritious and cheap too.

You don't have to do a lot to begin a healthy lifestyle. Start with small changes first. Don't try to do everything at once or you will end up frustrated. Why not start by adding a couple of veggies to your evening meal ? Why not start by taking a morning walk ? What not start by trying to drink 2-4 cups of water ? Those may not seem like a lot, but they are simple things you can do to make your day more healthy.

FENWAYGIRL18 Posts: 5,868
2/5/14 12:18 A

I think there was a great suggestion made here why doesn't your daughter become your workout buddy?????? You don't have to mention diet she's to young to hear that just say mom needs to get healthy and if she'd love to be your workout buddy or walking partner.
I would of loved to of spent time like that with my mom, but always seemed I was never good enough in her eyes. Do you know how many kids would love to hear their parents say would you love to spend some one on one time with me in this day and age of cell phones?
Why isn't there healthy foods in your house? You must be the shopper in your family you buy healthier foods and if your hubby says anything say well it's time for this gal to lose her baby bump (no disrespect to you, I know you can't have a child I'm saying that because that's what he referred it to). He'll know what you mean by that and I'd only make healthy foods and if he doesn't want to eat them then let him go make his own food he's a grown man.
I think any person that says that comment to a woman knowing she can't have a child is very cold hearted. I didn't think I could have children at first and I know how painful that is, doctors told me it would be tough for me to get pregnant because of endometriosis and other problems. I was very blessed to have a child and I thank god every single day!
I think you got a lot of great advice here, loved archmedes comment hahahaha about saying don't worry it's not yours hahaha I have to admit that's probably something I'd of said...
I'm sorry your dad and husband said those mean things to you, but turn it into a positive and get the ball rolling to a healthier lifestyle for you and your child..
Good luck on your journey! Don't wait for a dvd go walking emoticon

2/4/14 11:25 P

Me and my soon to be ex had similar problems. Mostly from her. When we first met we were both very comfortable in our own skin. Life was great both on the bigger side lol I was 265 at 6 ft she was idk 240 at 5'9" but over the last 7 years we have both put on significant weight. She would always talk down to me and make me feel horrible about myself because of my weight gain. Our weight ended up being a big stressor on our relationship. I used to be a very confidant self assured person and the constant ridicule and comments took a real hard toll on me emotionally. At first I didn't know if she was serious or joking like idk maybe trying to inspire me to lose weight, but the longer it went on the more it crippled me. The last three years have been the hardest for me I have continued to get bigger and bigger till now before I started to make changes in my life I was 454lbs. I don't blame her for my weight but I feel like the worse I felt about myself the more I ate and the less active I became. It is hard to find motivation to do anything I almost have to force myself to get up and walk even a half mile a day. I decided to leave my wife recently and moved back to my home town where I have family support and a plethora of resources to help me with my struggle, But it was a long road to where I am now and it started with comments I didn't quite understand or believe like "you look 6 months pregnant" I hope things are different for you or change if they aren't. Because anymore it seems like people place to many conditions on love. I loved my wife despite her own significant weight gains. Never once made comments or remarks about her size even though she saw fit to rip me to shreds on the daily. In the end I had to turn to my family for support there is someone out there that feels your plight and will help you with your struggle. In retrospect I wish I would have had the confidence to have a real conversation about how it was affecting me. Maybe it would have changed things for us. I wish I personally would have taken my weight problem more seriously, it may have put the same thoughts in her head. I do know now that you have to love yourself enough to make "YOU" a priority though. so maybe the answer is communication, effort, and just putting one of your own needs first. Say hey im going to the store to get what I need to feel good about myself and if it costs a little more than the junk we buy so be it because Im worth it. Sorry for thread jacking and posting a novel but I feel your pain and I identify with your post. There is an upside though I've lost 30 lbs so far, still a long way to go but its a start. My outlook on life has already started to change!

ANARIE Posts: 13,179
2/4/14 9:35 P

Definitely hook up the DVD for yourself. It won't be hard. If you don't have the instruction book, you can Google the brand and model number of the machine (and you might even find a YouTube video of someone doing it.) While you're at it, look around the house for a few other little things you've asked him to do, and do those yourself. At some point, he'll notice, and you can just calmly say, "I've decided I need to be more independent."

It will make him nervous. It will make him even MORE nervous if you start losing weight at the same time. The nasty remarks will stop cold. The best way to put a man on his best behavior is by hinting that you might not need him.

As for not having healthy food in the house... THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE! You have a pre-teen child in the house! What does she eat??? Get that girl (and yourself) some fruit and vegetables. It's not a good idea to suggest a "diet" to a child that age, but you absolutely must make healthy food available to her and make sure she sees you eating it as well.

Seriously, it's important. Excess weight is extremely harmful to people of Asian ancestry, much more so than for people whose genes came from Europe or Africa, so if you and your husband are both overweight/obese, she's at even higher risk for future health problems than other children of obese parents.

Your daughter is... ten, right? Why can't she be your exercise buddy? Mother-daughter walks or bike rides or roller skating together after school will be healthy for your relationship as well as your bodies. Try it tomorrow-- say, "Let's go for a walk and have some girl time." See what happens. If she says no, go by yourself, then ask her again on Friday, or Saturday morning. There's a good chance that it will become your "thing" together.

SWEETSUGAR7 Posts: 2,450
2/4/14 7:59 P

Keep focused on your goals and let your husband know your plan for your journey. See if you can get him to come with you on walks. Once he sees you are feeling and doing well he might step back off. My guy didn't really get interested in what I was doing until I had to plan out every meal home or eat out. I started planning my time to work out and I would plan things with him around my schedule. I didn't want to fall back from my hard work I created. He is now thinking more about what he is eating and asks if we want to hiking or walking and other activities. Seeing you focused is helpful in a relationship. If you are doing it alone or not.
I do my work outs alone he is not interested. If we walk or hike or something else he is in.
I hope that things get better for you. Good luck.

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
2/4/14 7:52 P

Youtube has a buttload of free videos, too. Between those videos and the ones here, you don't need your husband to hook up the cable ;)

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
Fitness Minutes: (82,255)
Posts: 2,954
2/4/14 7:45 P

You have gotten some great advice here and for what it is worth, Spark has tons of exercise videos and even more information on healthy eating etc. Do some searching on the site to find out how to start your plan for yourself. As for your husband, he is just being an that hasn't happened before right! Move on past the comment, to a new healthier life. The only one who can do it is you. As for your friend, can you Skype with her and do a workout video together?

Good luck.

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
2/4/14 7:39 P

Well, I can't help you with your husband - but maybe use what he said as a motivator?

But this statement is easy to tackle: "But how do you even start a program when you do not have support at home? And you don't really have the right stuff at home that you should be eating, things like fresh veggies, fresh fruits, healthy foods, etc...?

I wish I had someone close by that I could diet and exercise with. They say it is easier with a buddy. But I just don't know if there is anyone near me."

I don't have any support at home, or with my best friend. I am in this totally alone (same with a bunch of other people here!!). Sparkpeople is your support! Need to ask a question? Come here. Need support? Come here Need to vent (like this)? Come here. There is always people here ready to talk and lend an ear.

Need a buddy here? Ask for one! Lots of people here are looking for a buddy to touch base with every day. Somewhere around here there is even a thread for finding buddies. If you can't find it...just post it.

Say - hi my name is XXXX and I'm looking for a buddy to talk to everyday. I have XX amount to lose, I like to xxxx, and xxxxx. Betcha find someone ;)

As far as the food in your house - buy good healthy food!!! Here is a good list of snacks to buy:

Good luck and I hope to see you around a lot more!!!

2/4/14 7:39 P

Oops, I shouldn't have assumed your friend lived near you. Sorry...maybe you can ask your husband to work out with you and eat healthy, and you'll be feeling better together.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (555,056)
Fitness Minutes: (342,287)
Posts: 15,577
2/4/14 7:32 P

Shame on your husband!!!! If you are going to lose weight, do it for yourself and no one else.

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,317
2/4/14 7:29 P

emoticon You are an have the woman of the house, I am guessing you do most of the food shopping and cooking. No fresh veggies, fresh fruits, healthy foods, etc...? buy them. Junk in the cupboards....ditch them. Need to start exercising....there are a ton of videos on Spark. Take a walk, put on some music and dance. Have a hubby who needs to lose weight with you, get him eating the healthy stuff with you. Don't wait for some Buddy to magically appear....start doing what you know you want to do...and just do it. Start. Use the trackers and get going. Somebody else isn't going to lose the weight for are the one who has to make the choices.

ARCHIMEDESII....loved your answer to the pregnant issue.... emoticon

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 2/4/2014 (19:32)
2/4/14 7:24 P

Carpetcrawler: my friend does not live near me, she lives in Ohio and I live in PA.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (74,443)
Posts: 3,293
2/4/14 5:39 P

I cannot have children either, so being accused of looking pregnant (I carry all of my remaining fat in my belly) is pretty much the most hurtful thing anyone could say to me. For your HUSBAND to say something like this is not OK at all.

Moving beyond that though--why can't you plug in the DVD player yourself and go get some healthy food? If you wait for somebody else to make a healthier lifestyle happen for you, you will never get to where you want to be. Taking ownership and responsibility for yourself is really the first step.

I would recommend sitting down with a pad of paper and doing some brainstorming about what your goals are and how you might get there. Beyond being a particular size, is there a way that you want to look or feel? Do you have any health-related goals? Create a schedule and make a concrete plan for how you are going to get there.

Edited by: AZULVIOLETA6 at: 2/5/2014 (14:07)
ANDILH Posts: 1,543
2/4/14 5:19 P

Sometimes hearing things we don't want to hear is hurtful. It can also be a wake-up call. You have to decide which it is. If he is only trying to be a jerk, don't let him bother you. If you're feeling that way too, take it and insensitive motivation and use it positively. If you want to become healthier do it for yourself, and your daughter. If your husband doesn't want to be supportive or join you on your journey that's on him. You don't need anyone else's permission to change your lifestyle It's definitely harder when people in your life aren't supportive or worse if they're trying to sabotage you, but you can do it.
Good luck!

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (195,894)
Fitness Minutes: (292,213)
Posts: 26,969
2/4/14 4:21 P


Your husband told you that you looked six months pregnant ? Having a sense of humor for a moment, you should have replied,"Don't worry, it's not yours". I would have loved to have seen the look on his face if you had said that. Does he look like Brad Pitt ? Probably not. So, if he is sporting something of a middle aged gut, he really shouldn't be making comments.

He was insensitive and should have known better. ditto your mom. Don't let their petty comments get the better of you. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,"No one can make us feel inferior without our consent". Try not to let their petty, trivial comments upset up.

I don't know how your relationship with your husband has been these past 30 years, but if you made it this far, you both must be doing something right.

I would say that stewing over this isn't worth the excess energy. You let your husband know that you found his comments insensitive. It's up to him to do the right thing now.

GOALIEGRANDMA3 SparkPoints: (119,386)
Fitness Minutes: (74,864)
Posts: 8,066
2/4/14 4:13 P

Im sorry you do not have the support at home. But you do here hat spark. You just have to do what you need to do for yourself. My husband never said things like that to me, but he also was overweight himself and never tried to give up anything or alter his portions, etc.

He now takes med for cholesterol and still would not dream of diet or exercise to help control it.

I can not control his choices....but I can I hope you will do the same. emoticon

ASHLEYAMBER0710 Posts: 244
2/4/14 3:59 P

Just remember the biggest factor in success is to do it for you. Not because others mean comments. Not because you know you should. You have to want it. And you have to find what works for you. emoticon There are lot of articles on here that perpetuate motivation. Thats what really helped me commit.

ETHELMERZ Posts: 19,252
2/4/14 3:48 P

Bet that husband has also said some other "not nice" things, but not about your weight. How old is he, has he seen a doctor lately to be checked out? Is he in that age range for male menopause? I'd start changing the foods I bought, and "forget" to get the junk that he likes. Don't worry about the buddy thing, you have to be your own buddy, because only you make your own food choices anyway. A therapist would tell you to make sure insurance is paid up for everyone, and think about your future.................just in case. Tough thing to hear from the person you love!! Sorry, but they pick on weight, when it's sometimes other things.

2/4/14 3:42 P

I'm sorry your family is not being nice to you. Would your friend be willing to work out with you? She seems to care about you a lot. It might be fun to walk and talk with her. In my humble opinion you are being too hard on yourself! I hope things get better for you soon. emoticon

SHKIRK Posts: 1,168
2/4/14 3:38 P

You should have just smiled and said " You do too !We must make a beautiful couple!" As for dieting you have to do it for yourself or you are just setting yourself up for grief. Start out by just walking around the block and build up from there. SP have a lot of exercise videos also you could do on any health level. On your next trip to the market stock up on fresh produce. If YOU want emoticon

2/4/14 3:14 P

What do you do when your husband of 30 years looks at you and says "you look 6 months pregnant". I said to him "that is not very nice and are we gonna start nasty weight talk?" He didn't say anything else but he didn't say he was sorry either. And to make it worse, we were never able to have children we had to adopt (we adopted our daughter from China in 2005 when our daughter was 15 months old) so it hurts me when he says things like that. I did not say one thing about his weight and he is considered obese and he will not try to do anything about it.

I told my best friend about this and she was not happy about what my husband said to me either and I told her, well maybe since back in October 2013 my dad said to me "you are getting fat" and then my husband says I look 6 months pregnant, maybe I just better get on the diet, stick with it, start exercising (after my husband connects the DVD player to the TV so I can use my exercise DVD's) and walking and then maybe I can get back down to that size 6 I was when my husband and I first met. I know, that's probably a long shot.

But how do you even start a program when you do not have support at home? And you don't really have the right stuff at home that you should be eating, things like fresh veggies, fresh fruits, healthy foods, etc...?

I wish I had someone close by that I could diet and exercise with. They say it is easier with a buddy. But I just don't know if there is anyone near me.

Thanks for listening. And for any help or suggestions you can give me.


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