My husband is always complaining and everyone has to hear about it It gets so old I have RA so I know about pain and I always try to be cheerful if you complain it drives people away and it doesn't help anyway
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This makes me appreciate my husband even more. He never complains when in pain. We have been married for 38 years and in all that time, he has had so many medical things going on: pinched nerves, multiple lasers on his eyes, injections in his eyes, neuropathy in his hands,feet and legs. I could go on and on. I know he hurts because he will shift his weight from one foot to the other or tell me he needs to sit down when we are out. Some people just have a low tolerance to pain. I think that this doesn't give a person a license to be rude and talk mean to those closest to them though.
Fenway- I am not mad. I was just clarifying it. I did not mean leave him as in seperate, I mean leave the house for a little while lol. I am in love with this man and have been for 25 years, he is my best friend, lover and hero. All opinions are welcome, I am just clarifying the situation. None of what you put is correct, I was just taking care of him earlier. He just had a snappy moment, no reason other then having pain. He is like that when in pain, it isn't the first time he did this. He is getting older and having pain these days where as before he very rarely got sick or was in any pain. Like I told him, he always says he wants to grow old with me, I told him if he wants to grow old with me then we must not let pain be a factor in hurting each others feelings, we never did that before and we will not now as we age. If you want or need anything just ask I will be there, I will probably be there before you ask. he replied with I know that baby and he said he wouldn't do it anymore.
11/9/12 1:11 P
I didn't say it was a free ticket to be mean, I never said that....... I just didn't see what was so mean about him saying for you to plant in the front yard, that I didn't see as mean. I know men can be a little bit of a baby when it comes to pain, but you had said that you'd leave him. I don't think anyone deserves to be left cause of being in pain and being a little grumpy either, I'm glad you got to vent here. I know I'd rather vent in a BLOG then to come on a board and do it. When you come on here you set yourself up for all kinds of opinions. I know living with pain that you need someone that is a little sympathetic also and I just felt you weren't being as sympathetic and maybe he feels that and is lashing out at you... I'm not saying him lashing out is okay, maybe he just feels like you said "he's getting on your nerves " and maybe your making faces not even realizing you are and he see's it. My sympathy always goes for the person in pain, especially when I deal with it everyday of my life. Men like to be babied a little more then we do , after all if it came to men having babies there wouldn't be a very high population in this world, just saying...
Starting to like the new me! Waiting for my garden to come to life!
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24,135 11/9/12 11:07 A
Trev, Kent Southeast UK
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11/9/12 11:00 A
My husband is a bit like yours in that he's a big giant baby when it comes to pain. Things that I KNOW aren't painful....or certainly not as painful as he acts....will make him ouch ouch ouch for several minutes/hours/days, depending on what it is. And, he won't take suggestions like a hot shower, stretching, massage, ibuprofen. He'd rather be in pain I guess than do something about it. And that's where I start to lose patience with him. I can be sympathetic, but for goodness sake DO something about your pain. The only benefit I had from when his shoulder was in a mess after our vacation was that I've been dealing with shoulder pain since a car accident nearly 2 years ago and after a few days of agony (and I do believe it, I was in agony too after the trip), he turned to me and asked if this is what I had every single day.
Both of us are pretty good about apologizing when we get snappy. Because we both do sometimes. And sometimes both of us need a little reminder about it.
Rebecca, Married to Andre "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
Fenway- I have been with the man for 25 years, He does not talk with that tone and he knows I do not do the front yard. He also would have not apologized if he wasn't in the wrong. I am a very compassionate person and I understand everyone handles pain differently, but because he is in pain does not give him a ticket to lash out with a mean tone and words. If tables were turned he wouldn't have liked it either. We don't treat one another this way normally so for us we agree as a couple it was wrong. I may not have a smile on my face when I am in pain, and my voice may sound weak, but I will not snap at you for just talking. If I do not feel like talking about a subject or talking in general I will ask if we can talk about that later, anyways it's all done and over and the only reason why I shared it was because I did not want to turn to food. It was something small but hurtful still and I came here instead of going to the kitchen. I am happy with my choice and a happily married woman that eats when sad, it is a bad habit I formed as a child. Now I must add this in too, when in pain remember those around you have feelings so no need to add stress to pain by aggravating them with rudeness because you have discomfort, if you need help take the offers, and or ask for it. Kindness goes a long way!
11/8/12 11:30 P
I don't see how he was being mean by saying for you to plant the plants in the front... I live with daily pain (fibromyalgia) and it's not fun. Everyone is different when dealing with pain and everyone has a different tolerance for it. You know yourself how painful it is what he's going through, I think you need to be a little more understanding. I know I vent a lot of my pain out in my blogs... You know it's true what that gentleman said on here, our hubby's feel safe with us at home. In front of co workers and friends they have to be tough and with you he can be himself. Try being a little more sympathetic with him, my husband has been my rock and now he's dealing with some pain and I've tried to help him as best I can. I try not to talk about my pain anymore cause I'm sick of hearing about it but he knows when i'm really hurting... a little love and understanding goes a long way!
Starting to like the new me! Waiting for my garden to come to life!
Thank you, and oh no it won't get worse it happens very rarely and it hurts me because I am treated so well normally, I guess I am spoiled, but he is too. ;) We have been together for 25 years and will celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary this month on the 18th. :) We are so close that it hurts like our very first argument each time. He came home for lunch and apologized again and said he was wrong and that he will watch himself to not get grouchy when in pain. :)
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11/8/12 5:56 P
I do indeed see that it's a little more of the 'aggressive/snappy/angerish' issue that's at play. I wasn't quite reading that right earlier and hope you took no offense. That situation is a tough row to hoe and I know I've been that way with my wife at times. I don't know why.
We once went to one of those 'marriage encounter' things at a friend's church. We don't usually do things like that and often think they're senseless. You know the thing, it's a guy/gal who's more or less a comedian telling "women are from venus men are from mars" type jokes and then pitching his books and materials during the breakout session.
Well, they did indeed do that. But this guy was pretty good. His schtick was that men talk through a blue megaphone and women hear through a pink earphone (and vice versa). He best demonstrated that through a joke.
The woman is standing in the closet and says "I have nothing to wear." And what she really means is "I have nothing NEW to wear."
The man is standing in his closet and says "I have nothing to wear." What he's really saying is "I have nothing CLEAN to wear."
My wife and I still joke about that, in a positive way. There are times when we recognize that one or the other of us is not hearing each other right, and even I (sometimes, yet not nearly enough) will recognize that and adjust the way I interact. It's not always specific statements or conversation, it can simply be mood or behavior.
I hope it doesn't get worse for you, and certainly recognize that with all things..."there is a limit". Whatever it is, don't let it distract you from the positives you're pursuing.
I can handle moaning and groaning, but I will not take mean talk . We were out for a walk all fine and dandy talking about how nice this looked, and how nice that looked, the smell of the air, etc. I start talking about our home as we usually do, he may start convo or I will, but we often talk about what we are planning to do with our home this spring, so I say some nice plants will look good on our hills his replied was "if you want plants go ahead, go plant them". That is mean and snappy, he knows how we live and that I won't be in the front planting plants. He does front yard alone. I help with backyard and maintain our summer garden. Anyhow he called me to tell me he loved and was sorry for his attitude last night and this morning. It is all good now erased................but it better not happen again.
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11/8/12 1:25 P
Oohh...another thread where I can chime in with the male's perspective.
My wife laughs at me all the time when I whine about aches and pains (mostly that's past tense as those have gone away with excercise) or more when I get "sick" and lie there moaning and moping. I'm sure you've seen that move too.
Then she plays the childbirth card and stuff. Which is fine. Doesn't make me mad.
But, I've thought a lot about this. I can rationalize anything. Remember. We're dudes. We think we're supposed to tough sons of guns who don't let nothin' or nobody get in our way. So when we go off to work, or hang out with friends, etc., we might let on we're in pain, but we still feel like we have to grit our teeth and show that we're toughing it out.
I figure the ONLY person we trust to show our real pain and discomfort to is our wives! So take a look at it from that angle. You're the only person he trusts to show it to.
Unfortunately, you just get to see all of it, all at once. And it isn't always expressed in a very productive manner. Sometimes bordering on destructive. Which we know is annoying, but we can't help it, because again, we're men who really are just a gene or two away from living in the jungle and eating bananas. We haven't evolved quite as far as you ladies.
So definitely be annoyed. But, don't hesitate to feel loved by him too. That can't hurt, right?
Edited by: JHAACK39 at: 11/8/2012 (13:27)
11/8/12 12:46 P
Venting always helps and we're here for you! I always tell my husband of thirty-five years, if it were up to men to have babies, we'd be EXTINCT. They don't handle pain or sickness very well... Be patient and remember - he's lashing out at the pain not at you. I know it's not fair but that's what we signed up for under "for better or worse."
I just got done giving this to God, so I am confident he will take it, revise it and make to a more comfortable level in a way he sees fit. :) :) :)
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5,855 11/8/12 11:16 A
OUCH! This one hits pretty close to home (read ME). I find myself being very short and critical of my DW sometimes and I hate myself for it. She happens to have a very low threshold of pain and I get very irritated sometimes. I pray for more patience but often fall short. Thanks for the poke in the ribs on this one.
"It is easier to raise good children than to fix bad men" by Fredrick Douglas.
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11/8/12 11:02 A
Good for you for venting instead of eating! I'm sorry your husband is in pain, and I'm sorry he's spilling it onto you like that. It's good that he apologized. I find that regular applications of a clue-by-four are required in my relationship, and it goes both ways. I hope you both feel better soon!
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"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing--that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar
My husband's back is hurting. I know all too well how that is. But no need to be a grouch. He always makes something sound to the extreme. I live with back problems after a backwards hard fall. My back is fine now, but I have learned what to do and not what to do to keep it being okay. If I reach my hands up almost to where I am tippy toed watch out, my back will be set off and hurt for months. I am talking to where I can't get much rest at all. I go from bed to easy chair every 45 minutes, now that's pain. He is sleeping fine all through the night. We both had achilles foot pain and if you ever have had that it is painful and last a long while. I went through mine first, when mine healed he got one. I went through mine knowing it will get better and it takes time, it took about 6 months to fully heal. When his came he said it was worse, he wanted surgery but doc sent him home with an inflammatory medicine and told him to let it run it's course, his lasted about 6 months also. He was a grouch most of the time. Help my husband gets on my nerves when in pain. I will give him some leeway and be sympathetic, but to be snapped at or snuffed at is not acceptable to me. Tell me your back hurts and you need to rest, I will give you a pillow, a cup of cocoa or what not, medicine anything to make you feel better, but don't talk mean to me! This is day 3 he apologized this morning and has for the past three days after he sees he ticked me off. If he comes home and snaps at me for no reason, which he never does only when in pain and it gets me upset I am leaving. I swore to myself as a kid I will not live with meanness after I left a mean home, and I won't under any circumstance!. I am not saying his pain is less or greater then mine but learn to handle it without putting others in emotional pain dammit! I needed this vent it was either to share this or turn to food which is a bad habit I started as a kid and struggle to break when faced with stress.
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