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DEBHURLEY Posts: 22
10/20/11 11:30 P

I am sorry to hear how unsupportive your father is.. You have to focus on you though and they will fall in place or they will withdraw for a period, family loves you, alot of times though they forget that just cause they are in a bad way or going thru a bad time doesnt mean they need to take it out on others. He must have some troubles he cant admit to himself which may include his attitude towards family.
I hope you find other support that you need however and just remember you have to fight for you right now and the stronger you become the better for you and your family. The Sparkpeople team can be some motivation. I have been discovering some great teams, even joined the penpal team, if you need a penpal look me up or just a friend, Im new to all this too, just not new to the struggle so I can relate.. :) Smile your worth it!!

DDSMITH66 Posts: 201
10/20/11 2:08 P

I know how you feel, my whole life my mother has made mean comments about my weight and practically everything else in my life. It hurts and it is something which can really leave you emotionally scarred. For many years I took the abuse, then one day I woke up and realized that I don't need to take it any longer. I am in control. I do not need to put myself in the situation where she can abuse me any longer, I no longer live in her house, I do not need to rely on her. I have choices now. If I don't want, I don't even have to see her. If I do, and she says something hurtfull, I do not let it bother me. I let it roll off my back. My husband asks how I can do that, since he sees how negative she is toward me and it bothers him. But, if I let it bother me, then she still has control. I am in control now! I have that power! So remember you have the control in this situation, use it whatever way bests suits you. Either don't see him, don't let him in your house and around your child, or do not let him get to you. Do not let anyone bring you down. Like others said, if anything use his evil words as the fuel for your fire. Let it motivate you and make you stronger.

BNORTON68 Posts: 16
10/19/11 11:40 P

I am soooo sorry you had to witness your dad's hurtful words. It sounds like it is your father who really has the issues to deal with. Your weight issues are really none of his business. Talk to your husband about how your dad made you feel; if your husband is a stand-up guy, he will support you always, even when things are rough. My instructor at class told us something today that kind of hit home for me so I will share it, in case it helps you out. She said in reference to stumbling when problems arise ("build a bridge and get over it") meaning find your inner strength, build it up, and then get over what is standing in your way. I thougth it was very useful to me as far as my school work goes and it also can be applied to life. We cannot change people, but we can change the way we react to them. Blessings to you that you find your inner strength to cross every bridge you ever build. Take care



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LESLIESENIOR SparkPoints: (108,155)
Fitness Minutes: (72,233)
Posts: 4,196
10/19/11 11:05 P

Ahhhhhhhh, Good news for you. A few months on this site and you won't even hear comments like your dad's. You'll be so engrossed in positive change and the support of others who have your same goals and dreams, your dad's comment will seem sad and pitiful. I know I can speak for thousands of others when I say, hold your head up high, set your sights on small successes each day, stay connected with winners and positive people, and love yourself right now as you progress towards better health, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

You are cared about here!!!!!!
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Leslie

Edited by: LESLIESENIOR at: 10/21/2011 (08:57)
ALLEYCAT12380 Posts: 625
10/19/11 10:16 P

My husband and his mom don't get along at all. I remember she was mad at him over something stupid (I think she was mad at him for asking for permission to borrow the car from his dad who owns the car and got the ok), she wanted it back, his dad (who needs to get a back bone and not be a sock puppet) and sister came over to get it back and he said we were both disowned. This was before I was actually married to my hubby.

I mentioned if this was true, then his future grandkids were also disowned. His response was, we were, but not his grandkids from us. I had to tell him, are we not disowned? his response was, yes. Mine was, then so are your grandkids. Oh, the look on his face was priceless. Not good, but still. My hubby was happy that I stood up for him with his parents. I know about the relationship between the 3 of them. I back him up, though his mom believes I have my hubby's hand up my a$$, which I don't.

Your hubby should have backed you up on this. There are times when you guys can disagree on things, but this should not be one of those times.

SUNSCREENISGOOD Posts: 355
10/19/11 4:51 P

Do your best to stay positive. I understand why you are upset. I've have some family who feel the need to attack my weight or other sensitive issues. The bottom line that I've noticed, when people make nasty comments, they are having problems of their own. It's the whole idea of misery loves company. So, at the end of the day, your Dad is most likely not happy with himself.

Best wishes.

NAYPOOIE Posts: 6,400
10/19/11 3:47 P

Why are you disgusted with yourself? Your father is the who should be ashamed. I know there's a bond, even if you don't like him, but ask yourself this: Do you get anything positive from maintaining a relationship with him? Is it worth the pain?

From here it looks like you'd be better off without him in your life. If you have kids, he'd probably treat them the same way. Why would you ever allow anyone to treat your child that way? So why let him treat you like that?

Cut him off and make your life better.

COMNAVWIFEPAC Posts: 391
10/18/11 9:19 P

There are so many good suggestions here but I think SparkGuy has hit the nail on the head with his advice. I also had a parent who belittled me and made me feel very similar to what you described. I've gotten past it all and have lost over 100 pounds now and have kept it off for more than three years. You need to try and forget his hurtful words even though it may be difficult. You can do it my friend. All of us here on SparkPeople are cheering you on!

ZOWIENUT1 SparkPoints: (14,291)
Fitness Minutes: (15,284)
Posts: 1,178
10/18/11 12:24 P

I am sorry you had that experience. Your dad was very much wrong in saying that. Don't let his words rule your life.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (142,750)
Fitness Minutes: (213,565)
Posts: 20,960
10/18/11 11:39 A

Hello, Lauren... I agree. your house, your rules. Treating you poorly is badly enough, but is your father totally insensitive to the needs of his own grandchild ? If so, jerk is a nice term. I have stronger ones that can't be used on a family website. ;)

If your father can't abide by the rules of your house, then don't invite him over. Tell him he isn't welcome unless he takes his smoking habit outside. You need to protect your child. Gramps can stew in his own juices, in his own house, if he doesn't like it.

You need to start standing up for yourself. You're an adult. You don't have to take his behavior anymore. He's an insensitive jerk with no cares for those around him. If he really cared about his family, he wouldn't smoke in your house. So, don't let him guilt trip you into thinking you're wrong. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your child safe. He needs the attitude adjustment. Don't let him get to you.

You're a strong woman who can have a healthy life. In fact, I think your life would be a lot healthier without your father. that sounds harsh, but if he is so insensitive, you don't need the grief. He doesn't realize it, but he needs you more than you need him.

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MISSRUTH Posts: 3,727
10/18/11 11:29 A

Your house, your rules. I personally don't allow any smoking in my house, or any alcohol either. You might want to talk to your husband about backing you up. For example, when your father started to get out of line with you, your husband should not have said "don't leave, we've ordered you food". The cost of the food is nothing compared to the hurt your father caused you. My husband knows I have issues with my mother, and he backs me up on whatever I decide is best for me to handle her.

If it was me, I reckon I'd be rather slow to invite my father back to my house. Perhaps some neutral ground, like a restaurant where there is no smoking.

I don't know why people feel the need to be so hateful, especially someone who should love us and be protective and supportive. We learn something from everyone-- from some people we learn how TO behave, and from some people we learn how NOT to behave. Your father's visit was a good example of the "not" category!

Sounds like he was pushing your buttons, because you called him on the smoking. And he knows the buttons to push, because he did it when you were younger. Sometimes people say hurtful things, to feel better about themselves. In a way I feel sorry for your father that he has to resort to being cruel and childish, instead of just putting out the cigarette, apologizing, and enjoying the rest of the evening. (And never lighting up in your house again.)

One thing I know for sure is that you can control how often and where you're around him, and you can control your reaction to him.

MCFHARPIST SparkPoints: (37,759)
Fitness Minutes: (35,609)
Posts: 1,405
10/18/11 1:23 A

Let your father's cruel words be the fuel that propels you forward in a positive way. By becoming your best YOU, you will have the last word.

Spark On!

MAGGIEVAN SparkPoints: (148,491)
Fitness Minutes: (72,476)
Posts: 39,307
10/17/11 11:55 P

Could you see your father as a bird with a broken wing? Clearly he has great issues. could you forgive him and move on? After you have forgiven him, try to find a smile in your heart as your imagine how good you are going to look over a period of time with the help of your Spark buddies and this wonderful website. Keep you head (brain) in the right space. Tell your brain that he (your dad) is partially blind. He is only looking at the exterior. Go, girl, go... we believe in you.

WARMSTRONG2 SparkPoints: (171,518)
Fitness Minutes: (71,534)
Posts: 6,549
10/17/11 11:46 P

He is probably a jerk but as one myself I bet he already regrets what was said but his pride prevents him from admitting it.

READY2ROCK206 Posts: 500
10/17/11 11:39 P

Your dad was a jerk and sounds like a bitter angry man for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Your husband is not your dad - so don't not eat in front of him because of something your dad said.

GATSBYGAL SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (454)
Posts: 50
10/17/11 10:32 P

Wow, your dad is a jerk. I can't even believe a father would say something like that. It's so cruel. And to disrespect your home and your child by smoking indoors...I can't even. Why haven't you cut this loser out of your life? He sounds like a toxic human being and does not deserve to be invited over ever again!

MICHCLEARY SparkPoints: (60,946)
Fitness Minutes: (56,186)
Posts: 5,775
10/17/11 8:53 P

One of the best quotes I heard lately was that every 60 seconds we have the opportunity to live a new portion of our life, make a new decision that will alter our lives, and the opportunity to leave the past behind us.

I second the your house, your rules, and if DAD can't abide then don't come over. My MIL was a chain smoker and she respected our house rules and smoked outside whenever she visited.

As far as the food comment, work with it....use it for your benefit. Not eating in front of your husband isn't an option for the rest of your marriage. Measuring and learning to eat within a good portion control is an option. I have 3 sets of measuring cups and spoons and a food scale. The biggest eye opener for me when I started on SP two years ago was using the nutrition tracker and seeing how much I was really eating. BINGO - all the information right there and it wasn't pretty!

Over the last 3 years I've lost and maintained at 95lbs. If I can do that, then you can do it. One day at a time, one meal at a time, and everything you need to do it is on this website! Go forward and make the changes necessary to live the life you want and leave the hurtful comments behind you!

IVYLASS SparkPoints: (122,893)
Fitness Minutes: (38,239)
Posts: 6,567
10/17/11 6:06 P

Very easy...don't have your dad over to visit anymore.

Pretend you weren't related. Pretend this was some friend. Would you put up with such nasty behavior without calling them on it? Of course not.

Your house, your rules. Your dad can't abide by them and can't be supportive of you, then he doesn't get to visit.

FOREVERFITCHICK Posts: 194
10/17/11 5:54 P

I'm sorry your dad was such a jerk! Sometimes the people in our lives aren't everything we need them to be.

You got this GIRL! You've proven to yourself you are capable of losing weight and sticking to a plan, now get out there and do what works for you!! When you have a down day or are unmotivated find ways to move on and stay consistent. You will eventually be a better you! Look here for support when you can't seem to muster your own strength!

SPARKGUY SparkPoints: (56,452)
Fitness Minutes: (44,428)
Posts: 11,715
10/17/11 5:18 P

Hi Lauren -- welcome to SparkPeople! We're happy you are here -- there are so many really positive people here who will be happy to support and motivate you (and believe it or not, you may end up doing the same for others based on what I see all the time when our members get involved in the community!).

One thing you'll find about SparkPeople is that we're about a lot more than just losing weight. So for example in this situation, one of my biggest pieces of advice for you -- that could possibly change your life -- is to try hard to realize that you have the power to choose how you respond to your father's words. You can choose to let them affect you negatively and go into what we call a "downward spiral", or you can instead try to use your reaction to those words as a way to fuel you.

What positive step can you take now that could turn this around? In fact, you have already taken a positive step just by posting here -- so use that as fuel that you can do this -- and use your motivation like your child -- and that you were doing something positive to help your child by standing up to your father. Are there any other steps you can take today like doing 10 minutes of fitness, eating one fruit or one vegetable, etc?

You can do this!

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LAURENSNY SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 1
10/17/11 5:08 P

Hi all.
I'm new to this site. Yesterday was a very depressing day. My father came over and lit up a cigarette in my living room. I do not smoke in my house. I have a child with asthma. He started to smoke it by the fan which was blowing out the window. I told him he cannot smoke in my house and I told him to go outside. He got mad and said he was going to leave, so I said "BYE!" Me and hubby had just ordered food and we also ordered for my father. My hubby said to my dad "don't leave, we just ordered you food". I was in my kitchen when I heard my father say " she will eat it, she eats enough for everyone anyway". Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. A little backround..I lost 50lbs a year ago, then I stopped and gained 30 back. I have struggled with my weight since 5th grade. My father knows how unhappy I am about my weight. He has always been a vicious man. He used to call me fat when i was younger and tell me I look like a blimp, so I don't know why it was a shock to me. I was just so hurt and embarrassed!! It totally ruined my whole day, and now it is all I think about. I don't even want to eat in front of hubby because I feel like he will be thinking my dad is right. Ughh i'm so disgusted with myself. Sorry for the long rant, I just had to vent to someone!

Edited by: LAURENSNY at: 10/17/2011 (17:17)
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