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LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,808
5/30/13 3:02 P

If he's not happy with your body now, then how is he going to feel about you as you after you have children and after you get older? What's he going to say to you when you have a baby belly, stretch marks, wrinkles, varicose veins, breasts that aren't so "perky" anymore, grey hair, and all the other things that come with life? For that matter, how is he going to feel about himself when these things happen to him?

Honestly, he sounds very superficial and immature. What he should have said was that he loves you and thinks you are beautiful and maybe something along the lines of if you aren't happy with yourself and want to work on toning up a little, he'll go to the gym with you. I'd think seriously about whether or not I was going to invest any more of my time being with someone who was already critical of me when I was young and at a normal weight.



ANOSAKO
Posts: 28
5/30/13 2:02 P

To the OP:

Every man and every woman is different. We approach these questions and our perspectives given our own history.

If you and your partner have an open, honest relationship and you need his feedback to motivate you, then treat it as a genuine discussion between the two of you. As other posters have mentioned, this also includes money, sex, and lifestyle choices.

My partner is my best friend of 7 yrs, and he's been through a lot with me. I'm currently at my worst but that doesn't push him away nor allow negative thinking to come into our relationship. Look at your relationship as someone full of trust and support no matter what happens in your life.

You're also a part of a great community of Sparks! So if you ever feel like things are too negative, you can always let us know. I don't know your man's story, and I'm learning about yours, so I wish you the best as you work towards your goals.

Body shapes always fluctuate but not one's character and self-value. All the best!



MCFHARPIST
SparkPoints: (35,305)
Fitness Minutes: (34,615)
Posts: 1,382
5/28/13 11:05 P

LADYCJM, I second your motion!

Spark On!



LADYCJM
SparkPoints: (27,770)
Fitness Minutes: (24,742)
Posts: 1,639
5/28/13 9:57 P

I'm not sure how answering a question honestly means he has baggage. The OP said that he is a great guy, they've been together for two years. So taking her at her word that he is great then being honest is good. If he brings it up to control or belittle her, or is harping at her to lose weight to be better for him or any other negative behavior then that is different and she should move on.



TIME_TO_SHINE1
SparkPoints: (12,113)
Fitness Minutes: (3,868)
Posts: 434
5/28/13 7:13 P

I agree you asked the question and he gave you and honest answer. I am married ( 11 yrs) I have asked my husband that before and he has told me yes. Not like yes you are a fat cow, but yes if you are not happy then do it, and he has always be concerned with my health. I didn't like it and it did hurt my feelings, but I wanted to know what he thought. He doesn't bring up the subject, but if I ask he will be honest, and I do the same with him. Part of being in a relationship is being able to be honest with each other no matter the subject. You are 127 pounds you don't need to lose weight, but if you think you do then take the steps to do it and don't me mad for getting an honest answer to your question. I also agree with the comment that if he would have said you look fine you wouldn't have believed him. We all have something about our bodies we don't like. I hate my baby pooch. My husband loves to rub it like it is a basketball or something, weird I know. He says it reminds him of the lives we created. Sweet I guess, but I can't wait to get rid of it. The point is you have to be happy with you before anyone else will be. And never ask a question you don't want an honest answer to. Sorry he hurt your feelings.



LILLIPUTIANNA
Posts: 1,038
5/27/13 10:59 P

LADYCJM,

She did ask a question, and she got an honest answer. BUT it's not the truth. The issue is, HE has baggage. He is a superficial jerk. The truth is, she's at a healthy weight...and he thinks she needs to "tone up." That kind of nonsense never stops. It only gets worse over time.

As for saying that "guys just can't win," I beg to differ. As I said before (and someone else did too), I am married to a sweet, supportive, and not stupid man. He would never say something that was so obviously wrong. Why? Because he thinks before he speaks, because he understands science, because he doesn't have crazy ideas about how women should look.

Saying that we should excuse males because they have some sort of defective gene that makes them say stupid things, is insulting to men, especially the men who DON'T do and say stupid things.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 5/27/2013 (23:00)


LADYCJM
SparkPoints: (27,770)
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Posts: 1,639
5/27/13 2:26 P

I agree, you asked the question and received an honest answer.
If he had said something like you're fine, you look great, you wouldn't have believed him.
You can open up the can of worms and ask him if he is unhappy for you or unhappy with your body or you can decide to not ask the questions you don't want answers to.

Something to think about...is he this honest about everything? Money, sex, kids etc? If so, consider your self lucky. You know exactly where you stand with him. No game playing, no guessing.



MCFHARPIST
SparkPoints: (35,305)
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Posts: 1,382
5/27/13 11:52 A

I just gotta add my two cents. A good man (and that's what you say he is) cannot win. If he is honest, he loses (and I don't mean weight). I know such honesty is hard to hear, but, you did pose the question, and he, being a good, decent, and honest person, answered it honestly. As a mom of two boys (24 and 20), I notice these things. I soooo feel for my boys, 'cuz they just can't win!

Please excuse me for venting on behalf of my sons!

Spark On!





ICEDEMETER
Posts: 678
5/27/13 11:23 A

There definitely is some truth to the old saying of "never ask a question unless you really want the answer".

We can speculate until the cows come home as to what he really meant, and what that means about his personality, your personality, and about your relationship with him. You and he are the only ones who can figure that out, though.

This is obviously really bothering you, so you might want to have another one of those uncomfortable talks with him, and ask him for more information about his thoughts.

Is it possible that since you put on the few pounds that you are more obviousy uncomfortable, less spontaneous, less confident, and less happy? Is he saying that it's your happier attitude that he wants back, not just the leaner body?

Is it possible that you are losing some strength, and he's noticed that you are not as willing to try things or do things that you used to do? Is his idea of "toning up" more along the lines of "hey, you used to be able to do these things, and wasn't it more fun when you could?"

Is it possible that he honestly loves you at whatever weight, but thought that agreeing with your statement that you "need to lose weight" was the best way of supporting you?

Is it possible that he's a generally great guy, but that the two of you are both of the personality that puts a lot of importance on having your looks match what media says is ideal? If that's the case, then you are well suited to each other and will have to talk about how you can support each other in achieving this without getting your feelings hurt.

You really do need to talk with him about it, find out what his thoughts are behind the words he's already told you, and figure out from there what it means for you and your relationship.

You might want to put some thought in to your own priorities before that conversation, though. It's important in a relationship that priorities match, so if your priority is to live a happy and healthy lifestyle and his priority is that you look like arm-candy, then realize that you may have to reconsider this relationship with that knowledge. If you find out that your priorities match but that your ideas of how to be supportive don't, then you'll know that it's just one of those things that you can either work on together or learn to live with.

Good luck in figuring things out together!



CHESAPEAKE60
SparkPoints: (3,675)
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Posts: 394
5/27/13 6:44 A

I also have concerns. You really need to think long and hard if you want to spend your life with a person who thinks someone with a normal BMI needs to lose weight. What do you think will happen 10 years from now when you have had 2 children, are 10 pounds heavier still with post baby fat and and a post baby belly pooch? It sounds like you might be setting yourself up to be unhappy and self hating for a lifetime. The person we love should be the person who makes us feel the very best about ourselves. They should be a safe haven from the test of the world.....



ARCHIMEDESII
SparkPoints: (136,300)
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Posts: 20,266
5/27/13 6:37 A

KRISSYLYNNX3,

Have you heard the saying,"men are from mars and women are from venus" ? It's used to explain the differences in communication between men and women. Men say one thing and women hear something entirely different. Men can be brutally frank. Some times to the point of being insensitive. He may not even realized that his comment hurt you. He may have felt you wanted an honest opinion. And some times, women do want an honest opinion and as others noted, some times we just want to hear something comforting.

We are our own worst critics. Flaws we see in ourselves, no one else sees. You may have been hoping that your BF would have said you were perfect just the way you are. And he didn't. He said he thought if you didn't like the way you looked, you should do something about it. I won't say that was petty, but it was insensitive.

What to do ? First, you can't let his comments get you down. how do YOU feel about your body ? Here's the thing, you're not overweight. but these types of comments can cause a women to feel insecure about their body. That insecurity can lead to comfort eating. As the old song goes,"accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". Learn to appreciate what your body can do and don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't have ripped ABs like Brad Pitt.

So, he's hardly in a position to be passing judgement over your body. Yes, we can be concerned for our loved one's health if they are overweight. However, if that same person doesn't look like the models on the cover of Vogue or Men's Health, that doesn't make them fat or unhealthy.

Good health comes in many different shapes and sizes.





SLIMMERKIWI
SparkPoints: (122,068)
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Posts: 21,067
5/27/13 3:15 A

There is a HUGE difference between being overweight and needing to lose some, and needing to tone up. Unfortunately, it appears most people don't realize this, and it appears your BF may be one of those. I also wonder if YOU are one of those, too???

I think that the main lesson learned here is don't ask your BF's, husbands, or partners that question. The only ones really you should be asking and taking notice of is your Dr or other qualified health provider.

I just worked out your BMI and you certainly are NOT overweight - your BMI is just over 23 - NORMAL!

Looking at your photo, if that is a current one, you actually LOOK rather thin in the face and narrow shoulders. I think your BF needs glasses (and to learn how to tell a white lie if he genuinely thinks you need to lose weight!)

Kris



STARDUST2K4
Posts: 1,343
5/27/13 2:08 A

I'm sorry, but that pretty much sounds petty on his part.
I got together with my now fiance back in 2007 when I was quite over weight. He stayed with me as I blew up to 330 pounds, and has been with me and supporting me as I am in the process of losing the weight. Not ONCE has he ever said anything about me needing to lose weight, or feeling like I needed to "tone up". I've always been told I'm sexy, and beautiful, and the only reason why he wanted me to change was because I wanted it, and I was depressed when I was bigger. If I had never said that I was unhappy with my weight, or if I decided to stop losing, he would never say anything more about it.

If a guy is going to criticize you over 7 pounds, I think that's really going to cause some emotional problems and potentially a bad relationship with food and could possibly screw up your body image. You don't need a guy who is going to make you feel self conscious and insecure. A man who loves you is supposed to remind you why you're amazing not point out what you need to do to become amazing.



CHELEPENA
Posts: 185
5/27/13 12:28 A

At my weight I am called "gorgeous" "beautiful" and "lovely" and this is from someone who truly loves me and cares not what I weigh just that I am healthy and happy. If the person you are with can't handle a 5-10lb weight gain then this person may not need to be in a relationship with you but if WANT to lose the weight for YOU then do it, but never ever change to please someone else who isn't perfect.



LILLIPUTIANNA
Posts: 1,038
5/26/13 9:26 P

Okay...let me get this straight...

Your boyfriend met you and you weighed 120. Now you weigh 127 and he thinks you need to "tone up?" Seven pounds?!

Oh, heck no, honey!

I have been with my husband for 12 years. I am 5'1 and 128 pounds. Do you know what my husband says? He says he doesn't want me to freak out about my weight. He says I'm beautiful. He says he supports me. He says that he loves me more today than the day we met.

Only a controlling, superficial jerk would say he wants you to "tone up" after you gained 7 pounds.

Get out now before it's too late.



RIGEIN24
SparkPoints: (8,306)
Fitness Minutes: (3,081)
Posts: 244
5/26/13 8:58 P

In that case I'm sorry what he said upset you. It's possible he doesn't know how insecure you are about it and, again, was just being honest. If you have made your insecurities known to him, it's also possible that it affects him just as much as it affects you -- to the point that he also isn't happy. I understand it's hard not to be self conscious, but when you feel that way other people notice and act on it.

You say you accept your body and know you're pretty, but yet you still have these feelings. Take the focus off of your body image and instead focus on exercising and eating healthy, not for him but for you. It's a lifestyle you can't give up on, something you can't just do only when you "need to lose weight". If you think of these things as enhancing your life expectancy & happiness you're more likely to do them each day, instead of seeing it as a punishment toward body fat.



MELJONES3478
SparkPoints: (15,684)
Fitness Minutes: (6,082)
Posts: 502
5/26/13 8:41 P

We all want to hear our partner say that we look beautiful and they love us no matter what. You only weigh 7 lbs more than when you started dating right? Everyone's weight fluctuates. Do not let it detour you from reaching your goals & do not let a comment effect your day. Just remember that you have been together for 2 years so if he was unhappy with your weight he would have mentioned it before now. Good luck.



KRISSYLYNNX3
Posts: 36
5/26/13 8:34 P

RIGEIN24- I think my wording was off and a bit confusing with the first post so I edited it. He meant he wasn't happy with it too. He doesn't think I'm fat or anything but he thinks I should lose some weight and tone up. I was caught a bit off guard because before he told me he didn't even notice I gained weight. I have come to accept my body and know I am pretty. I'm just a little self conscious about my weight sometimes because I was bigger before.



RIGEIN24
SparkPoints: (8,306)
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Posts: 244
5/26/13 8:08 P

Asking your partner that question is never easy for them to answer. I'm not sure what upset you about it: the fact that he thinks you're not happy with your body? Or did you infer some other meaning from what he said? It sounds like he's just being politely honest and I don't fault him for that. You yourself told him you "need" to lose weight, so maybe he just wants you to be happy with your body. Would you have rather heard "I'll love you no matter what size you are"? Obviously he loves you 'cause he's still with you. Why not interpret what he said as "I love you and want you to be happy"?

Anyway, don't let others' opinions determine how you feel about your body. I know you want to look attractive for your partner, but you need some self-love and confidence. So work on accepting yourself. You can still lose the weight to get where you want to be, but having poor confidence can sabotage your efforts at any weight.

Check this out:
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_arti
cles.asp?id=1760




KRISSYLYNNX3
Posts: 36
5/26/13 6:21 P

Let me start off by saying my boyfriend is a great guy and we have been together for almost 2 years. When we were in the car talking I said something along the lines of I need to lose weight. Then I asked him what he thought because I have never really asked him his opinion on it. And he said well you're not happy with your body and I feel the same. I just wanted to cry when I heard that. When we met I had just lost 30lbs and weighed 120lbs. My boyfriend was pretty broke for out first year so he got me back into some bad eating habits (fast food dates) so I fluctuate between 125-130lbs most times. If I gain 10lbs I am overweight (I'm only 5'2) and it really scares me to think I can be overweight again so easily. Now I feel even more self conscious ugh.

Edited by: KRISSYLYNNX3 at: 5/26/2013 (20:18)


 
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