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PAMELA2379 SparkPoints: (2,896)
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5/2/12 6:13 P

I think people get comfortable in their lifestyles. Your husband is probably proud of you but is worried about how all of these changes are going to affect y'alls comfort zone. I know I get use to the way things are and am resistant to change. He's probably feeling insecure, just be patient and am he will probably see that all of your changes are for the better and get use to it! Also, I agree with previous posts...being a little extra loving can't hurt ;)

JADOMB SparkPoints: (106,132)
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5/2/12 4:01 P

Let me just jump right here in the middle of all this male bashing. LOL Ladies, men have feelings too. They also have wants and needs too. We are not all that different than women in that respect. I have seen wives that were jealous of their husbands when they were into working out also. Again, not much difference. I think the biggest difference is just that there are more women here than men, so only one side is heard most the time. So be gentle. ;-)

On a personal note though, my wife and I have been married for nearly 30 years and for the most part it has been smooth sailing. Mostly because we actually accepted the "for better or for worse" part of our contract. Sadly, nowadays, couples invent their own contract and it has a time limit on it or something, and ambiguous or silly agreements.

We were madly in love with each other but went together for 3 years before we got married to make sure we were truly meant for each other. Then when we talked about having kids, we understood again how it was going to change our lives, but we accepted that. So then for the last 22 years as we raised our kids we did much sacrifice for our children(and it has paid off too). In that time we knew that we should get more "us" time, but as any good parent knows, it's hard to really do that when your mind is on your kids. So towards the last few years we were beginning to learn how to live life after the kids move out. So for us, since our son was able to live in our guest house while going to college and we got 2 years of our daughter living at home going to college before she transferred to Sac State last year, we worked to make the empty nest syndrome less traumatic.

Now the kids are out and we are alone. My wife began working out since she has a gym in her office building and I took up substitute teaching to help other kids learn. We found that we had a hard time readjusting to being a couple again and sure enough, it almost seemed like we were finding things to do OTHER than with each other. Even when she was home, she took up Crocheting(sp) and reading her Kindle. I would be in one room working on the computer and her in the other room. It totally sucked. So I finally had a sit down meeting with her and let her know that we were messing up. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING JEALOUS OF HER. It was that WE were not doing what we were suppose to be doing as a loving couple.

Things have really come around now since we both really saw that we needed to try harder to be a couple again instead of drift along waiting for the next thing to fix or do for the kids. So communication is paramount in a good relationship.

To make a short story long, couples NEED to talk to each other more and really understand what our wants and needs are. If a spouse is "jealous" of their spouses weight loss, it doesn't necessarily mean they are insecure, it can also mean they just need more help it attaining the same goal as you are. It also doesn't mean that you should stop, but you should be more sensitive to your partners wants and needs too.( and I don't mean cake and ice cream)

So no matter what it is due to, when one's spouse is having difficulties, it's the job of the other spouse to help that person through it. Trust and communication needs to show from both parties. Sorry I rambled on, but this is not something a person can honestly cover in a sentence or two. It's much more complex and important. God bless and Keep the Faith.

TJNTEAAF04 SparkPoints: (2,204)
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5/2/12 3:26 P

My husband isn't supportive of me losing weight either. He tells me that I am fine the way that I am. And while I love that he loves me for me I think he should support my decision to lose weight to become healther for our family.

ROGERSBABE1 SparkPoints: (43,416)
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5/1/12 12:52 P

I agree with just about what everyone says. I don't think some people get it. Weight loss and getting in shape is a major project for me and takes a lot of focus. I told my husband that my workout time (and now that I get paid for teaching Zumba he "understands" more) is non-negotiable. I do try and make time for him, however. I don't think my husband is insecure. I just think he doesn't really know how much it takes for some of us. He is also diabetic, has no weight problem, and exercises hardly any. I am concerned about his long-term health as we go into late middle age. He doesn't seem concerned enough to do anything about it, though. It troubles me a bit, but you can't get people to buy into or do things that they really don't want bad enough.

LEAHLEGS Posts: 184
4/13/12 6:37 P

He sounds like he really misses you. I don't think it's about sabotage, I think it's about wanting some alone time with his busy busy wife. If I were you, I'd wake up before him on the weekend for a little husband and wife time, then go to the gym when he's knocked out from exhaustion. Not only will he feel loved and appreciated, but it's like extra cardio for the day too!

KATHYMADSEN SparkPoints: (0)
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7/29/11 12:00 P

I just have to write Hard Rocker that you may rock hard but you have the kindest most gentle spirit...and it really comes through.
You seem to be a very earnest Peacemaker.
I hope you enjoy a truly blessed day and even better Weekend!

Kathy

HARDROCKER1 SparkPoints: (2,070)
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7/29/11 11:54 A

I am sorry all, if I "hijacked" the thread in any way, still, my post to Kathy was still on topic, but Kathy and I can continue in PM if need be.

Btw, there is no "feud", but thanks, Tobias, for your input.

Blessings, Michelle

KATHYMADSEN SparkPoints: (0)
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7/29/11 8:57 A

XTOBIAS,
My comment was to MRSBAILEY.
Hard rocker made valid points and voiced her opinion.
I responded with an apology that I didn't mean to confuse her.
She in turn responded.
No 'feude' ... simple discussion.
Actually very intellectual and interesting responses from HardRocker.
Your comment was off putting and almost rude and seemed to be what is out of place.
Have a great day!

ANEMIXI Posts: 19
7/29/11 6:06 A

Hathy and Hardrocker- I think you should go back to the question and he blog, and have your personal feude somewhere else, what about opening another blog?


HARDROCKER1 SparkPoints: (2,070)
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7/28/11 1:11 A

KathyMadsen: Well, I can see both sides of this coin. While I think it is extremely commendable that you have raised several children, including an autistic child, (my sister works with the severely autistic kids at her school, so I know this is a very challenging disorder), I think the point being made is that sometimes, in order to be the best parents we can be to our children, is that it is really important to take time out for ourselves. Now I know as well as any, that we are all crunched for time these days. At our last Bible study at our church, our minister was just saying that we shouldn't be so busy, that we need to slow down. So I do think it is important to MAKE time for yourself. I will set aside money in our weekly budget, if I need to, for babysitters or whatever, so my hubs and I get at least 2 hours to spend solely with each other. It is so wonderful to be able to talk, review the upcoming week's activities, go over schedules, talk about stuff concerning the kids, etc...without any interruptions.

I realize a special needs child needs total complete attention, but surely you could find someone who could do that just for a couple of hours to give you and hubs some "alone" time? You wouldn't even have to leave the house, just go to another room, turn off your phones, close the door, and take time to regroup. (And I'm only suggesting once a week, not daily, but hey, if you could do daily, great!)

I really feel that people who say they cannot do this need to learn how to prioritize and re evaluate goals etc.

That is great that your hubs wants to read "The Spark", it is great that he is being supportive, but I think as wives, S.O.'s/whatever, that it is a team effort. Reciprocation, I think, is the key.

Please try not to take the offensive here, I'm just adding another viewpoint, of which I'm entitled to my opinion, of course, as you are as well.

Blessings, Michelle

KATHYMADSEN SparkPoints: (0)
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7/27/11 6:30 A

Sorry, Michelle, if my post was confusing.
The post after mine may have been directed at another, but it read as if it were a conversation...you know, a round robin as if we were all discussing a topic?
Like "My Husband admitted he's Jealous of my weight loss"...and were making our comments.
Regardless, what was posted after mine...well I don't post often but couldn't just let that go to ANYONE as 'advice'.
Have a great day!


HARDROCKER1 SparkPoints: (2,070)
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7/27/11 1:18 A

KathyMadsen: I am confused by your post. I think the post that was posted after yours was directed to the OP, or did I miss something here?

Blessings, Michelle

EMMASMOM2007 Posts: 30
7/26/11 8:09 A

It's about balance and it's hard to do. Sometimes I do it well and other times I don't do it at all. However, I think explaining how important this journey is to your husband can help and let him know you don't want it to be about ignoring him and all exercise and you can't give him all the attention and ignore exercise either. Remind him that he is an important part of your weight loss and how you appreciate him supporting you. My hubby gets a little off centered whenever I lose a bunch of weight and I think it's a little fear they have that others will check us out but remind him it's for your health and that you love him and want to spend many years together and you need to be healthy. I remind mine all the time how I want 'him' and him only to look at me in that way and I want him to see something beautiful. It shakes their confidence I think. When he hugs you I'd tell him you can stay a little while but not forever.
Robin

KATHYMADSEN SparkPoints: (0)
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7/25/11 5:50 P

Wow.
I had to read then reread what you wrote.
I was surprised and really thought about what you wrote ...
I have a couple of questions:
What is it you do, so you'd be able to "rework" your day???
"Rework" the day so your husband doesn't feel ignored?
I didn't realize that blogs worked across the space/time continuum.
It's even more amazing than I realized!
Here in my house in 2011, after having raised four kids in four years to adulthood...one of whom is a severely autistic male...I probably wouldn't worry if my husband didn't come home for a few days because the last dozen years have been COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY
fraught with drama on a DAILY basis!!!
I also wonder what is your spiritual (specifically religious) background, if any.
I am not ashamed at all to admit that I'm a Christian and more to the point a Lutheran.
My husband is the head of our household and is the final word on decisions.
You wrote about 'making a point to spend at least 1 day solely with your husband'
and I wonder if you actually have children.
And I mean real ones; not pets that you treat like children.
Because sometimes when you're a parent, especially of a handicapped, special needs individual -- you don't get to consider 'feelings' of your own or your spouse.
The CHILD comes first...and sometimes it's ALL the children.
Believe me this isn't a PROBLEM.
This is a real break through that my husband was:
1) interested that I was reading something
2) interested in reading the SAME thing I was reading
3) and engaged in a positive conversation with me.
Since our youngest son graduated a couple of months ago, we've spent a whole lot more time together getting to know each other again...
Our autistic son is more manageable through medication.
Things are much better now than three years ago when things had REALLY broken down.
Finally I'd love to know how many years you've been married...or is it only months so far?
Best wishes to you.


MRSBAILEY921 Posts: 65
7/24/11 11:08 P

personally, i fully believe that whenever your SPOUSE is speaking of something additional they need in the relationship, it's to be taken seriously. i definitely would find a way to rework my day so my husband wouldn't feel ignored. i understand that some opinions speak about you not worrying about what he is saying and to continue on how you are--but you are a team with your husband, this is a marriage and not a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. it's definitely important that you consider his feelings.

perhaps you should sit down and really reevaluate your day. are there other areas that you could change around (outside of exercise time) to devote to your husband? could you include him in on some non-exercise activities? when is the last time you two did something together?

i make it a point to spend at least 1 day every week solely with my husband...no children, other family or friends. just us. if we watch a movie at home together or walk around the mall together, it's just us. this way our date time/bonding time doesn't suffer while we're out "living life".

there are alot of ways you can tackle this problem now, so it doesn't become a bigger problem later! but whatever you do...don't let it get out of hand or go unaddressed, that will only make it worse!

hoping the best for you and your husband!

KATHYMADSEN SparkPoints: (0)
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7/24/11 4:26 P

He just asked me to order the Spark book!
He said I should read it, and then 'let' him read it...and maybe he'll get
"hooked" on Spark like me!!!

HARDROCKER1 SparkPoints: (2,070)
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7/13/11 12:57 A

My suggestion is to do something with him totally unrelated to exercise. I think if you asked him to hike or bike with you, then he will see that as you using him to get an extra workout in...pick something he REALLY likes the 2 of you to do together and make extra time to do whatever it is. Then, after you've done it, then go workout...maybe he will be so glad you had special time with him that he will forget about being so crabby before...anyway, couldn't hurt to try!

Blessings, Michelle

MARCIE1455 Posts: 479
7/12/11 4:17 P

He sounds selfish to me. Stick to your routine one way or the other. If he doesn't want to join you in exercise then so be it. You can do something else later. Definitely take time for yourself!

Edited by: MARCIE1455 at: 7/12/2011 (16:20)
JOYFULDAWN Posts: 39
7/12/11 4:18 A

I think it is awesome that you are putting your health high on your list of priorities! Keep up the good work it will definitely pay off. My fiance does the opposite, he is always asking "Are you going to workout?, shouldn't you be at Zumba, etc." I tell him he just wants a skinny fiance. I kind of think it is true, but I have to love me as I am now as well as the person I am working on becoming.

KOREENREGIS SparkPoints: (52,571)
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1/6/11 6:03 A

Maybe he think he is going to lose you.... Men you can not win with them.

WHISKEYDOWNFALL SparkPoints: (664)
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1/5/11 10:48 P

Wow, I was looking for something to give me some perspective on my unsupportive bf, and this is the place. My guy is very loving and affectionate...but he's just thick as a brick. He encourages me to do "whatever I want"...but I'm basically a housewife, so if I want to eat healthy, I have to cook 2 dinners. He's a cheeseburger-pizza-real-butter kind of guy, and he has never had a weight problem; he doesn't want to change and I don't want to force him. But sometimes he puts his needs/desires ahead of mine, and it feels really defeating (ie: he'll want something fattening that I can't eat for dinner, and he'll wheedle about how hungry he is so I cook it before cooking healthy stuff for myself). It's only been a couple of days, but already I can see this becoming an issue. I hope he understands and respects what I need to do for myself.

TERIANA Posts: 297
11/10/10 3:16 P

My husband is completely nuts. When i was eating everything in sight and too busy working to exercise, he would insult me about becoming a fat old lady. Now that I have lost 20 pounds and on my way to my goal weight, he is suddenly making sarcastic comments about me becoming some "great athlete" at 60 years old (I am 54), or he he will say I should have lost weight years ago when it mattered how I looked, or whatever. His latest jab is to accuse me of thinking I will live forever because of this latest fad "computer diet." I just ignore him as best as I can, go about my own business and try not to let his petty comments get under my skin, BUT this weight loss thing is hard enough without the constant background commentary. There is no winning with a negative force like this in your life.

MOMISABRAT SparkPoints: (0)
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5/5/10 2:04 P

Thank you all for being so understadning and supportive. It is good to know that I am not the only one with this type of situation.

emoticon

CHINQUITA1 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/4/10 2:28 P

Trust me I know how you feel. My hubby just cant get it in his head that I wanna look good and feel good when we are out(with him). I wanna be healthier for him and my family. He seems to think that my losing weight/exercising has something to do with me wanting to leave him(all in his head) and not something I feel its time to do. It gets easier. He will come around once he sees the benefits. The alarm and sex thing is a good idea. I might try it myself :)

FATESLADY Posts: 204
5/3/10 11:58 P

I'm sorry he's so unsupportive. Give him a kiss, get up, and go. Better yet, set your alarm ten minutes earlier and have sex with him before you get out of bed. He'll be satisfied and in a good mood, and less likely to be sour about your workout. Let him know that you have to set the alarm in order to have time for your morning sex, and he may just stop switching it off when your back is turned.

LADILYNNE Posts: 971
5/3/10 11:42 P

My ex needed to loose weight more than I did, severe knee damage, surgery on both and the Dr. threatened that he might be confined to wheel chair by age 50. Instead of joining my attempts to loose weight, he found reasons to go out to eat, Cooked before I got home, bought sweets and junk food for the family.

I have finally gotten truly on the wagon. He hasn't helped himself at all. At this age (55) he has high blood pressure, diabetes and is 100 lbs heavier than he was when the Dr. advised him to loose weight.

Your well-being should be important to him also. Poor health could lead to him having to care for you and/or raising/caring for those little ones by himself.

Sometimes it may seem to be selfish, but if the care-giver isn't healthy the whole family suffers. Spend time with hubby but don't totally cave in on your needs.

PENTACLE9 Posts: 171
4/29/10 1:10 P

I agree with Walnut. I think he's just insecure. Why not reward him with thank you cards, for helping with the children. Or doing something he likes. But don't compromise on your own success. A healthier you will benefit not only you, but your whole family. emoticon

MOMISABRAT SparkPoints: (0)
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4/29/10 12:00 P

Walnut I think you may be on to something. emoticon

MOMISABRAT SparkPoints: (0)
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4/29/10 11:59 A

I have suggested we workout together but he says "it's not his thing". The reason why I try to get up early is because we have two small children and it's hard to fit in anything during the day.

I am going to try harder to make time for him during the day. I have suggested things like nature walks or bike riding...though I would have to learn since I have never ridden a bike. emoticon

WALNUT5612 Posts: 3,010
4/29/10 10:21 A

Maria, I think men become very insecure when you lose weight and they think that other men will notice you and they might lose you!

SCUBATELLY Posts: 419
4/28/10 11:19 P

You could strike a deal, like, I'll stay in bed till you get up too, but then I will do what I had scheduled to do. That way you both get what you want, just if he has that extra time with you earlier on, you won't be back from your workout till that much later on.

MRPLATSON Posts: 336
4/28/10 11:06 A

Question, do you compensate for not staying in bed a little longer by doing something else with him later that day?

It's one thing to take more time for yourself and be healthy, it's another thing to give your spouse no time at all.
Or, you know, he could get out of bed too and do some work-outs WITH you.

REACHBRENDA_2 Posts: 1,031
4/28/10 8:20 A

Good for him. You need that little encouragement. Maybe he will show more appreciation for you.

ZORBS13 SparkPoints: (105,260)
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4/27/10 9:49 P

sometimes my husband doesn't let me get out of bed either..I just say firmly, "I am going to get up now." and do it.

TONYA0000AZ SparkPoints: (4,208)
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4/27/10 9:25 P

I have a feeling my hubby would do the same thing, but I just don't let him! Haha, just keep it up, you have to do something for YOU, even if it is only once a week. He needs to understand that for you (and him) to be happy, that you need this for yourself! Good luck and keep it up emoticon

MOMISABRAT SparkPoints: (0)
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4/27/10 4:14 P

Not to say he is jealous of me losing weight, but he feels that I put too much effort into diet and exercise and that I ignore him. An example is Saturday morning sabotage. All week I am on the go (have 2 small kids) and can not fit in more then 15 or 20 minutes of exercise, I look forward to Saturday and Sunday when I can get a longer workout in. My darling hubby will shut off the alarm clock or hug me every time I make a move to get out of bed. He says things like "if you skip one day it wont matter" or "I think your over doing it".

Keep in mind I have tried various times to get him to join me (he is about 30lbs over weight) and he refuses.

Guess I am venting, thanks for reading this

Maria

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