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MAMA_CD Posts: 1,498
8/5/13 7:38 A

Given the circumstances I'm sure no one would judge you for your weight gain, and I hope you don't judge yourself for it either. Now, that you are trying to piece your life back together after such a tremendous loss, I just want you to know that we are here to support you.

Out of experience, I know that there will be emotional ups and downs but eventually, once we can re-orientate ourselves there is a great life left for those who remain.

God Bless you!

ANNROW0354 Posts: 603
8/2/13 10:45 A

Like all the other posters here, I want to offer you my condolences on the loss of your daughter and, perhaps more importantly, my support. The one thing that is obvious from the other posts is that you are not alone in the grief you feel. I lost my first child at birth and it is a pain that never truly leaves you.
I'd like to suggest that you take the pain and the grief that you are feeling and do something positive with it. Your daughter would not want you to lose your life too. This is a very supportive group and if you take the time to look over the SP program and begin to set small goals for yourself you will be taking a very positive step towards healing. Maybe you can dedicate this journey out of grief and despair to your daughter. I'd also like to suggest that you set up a SparkPage (if you haven't already) and begin to blog about this process. Putting things into words can be very powerful and healing and you will be helping others as well as yourself.
God bless and please be kind to yourself! Say the things to yourself that you would say to another person going through the same thing.

Ann emoticon

GONNALUVME2 Posts: 285
8/2/13 10:15 A

I am very sorry for your loss! I too know the pain of losing a child. For me it's been almost 11 years but some moments it feels just as intense as when it happened. The best advice I can give you is to let yourself grieve. Talk about how you're feeling, with a support group or close friends/significant other or even a therapist. if you don't feel as if you're ready for that you can start keeping a journal just to get the hurt out. Hugs!

EXPATMOM Posts: 66
8/1/13 10:12 P

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I don't have any advice but couldn't read your post and not respond. I have four kids and can't imagine losing one of them.

LIVING4TODAY Posts: 197
7/29/13 11:21 P

I don't think I can even begin to imagine your pain. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Gaining 30 pounds is probably the least of all your problems. I understand there are medical implications but I think learning how to carry that kind of pain in your heart and still live and function to some degree and working through the grieving process which issuch a hard, hard process with it's ups and it's downs that it drains your life energy for a long time. Not forever, but for a long time and sometimes just when you think things are getting better back down you go.

Grief therapy groups are healthy, they help. They don't always feel good, or like they are actually relieving things in the moment, but in the long run they help this process along. You have to have support. People who are there for you, who can help motivate you.

I think you have to be gentle with yourself and compassionate with yourself and not push yourself too hard. I don't know where you are in the grieving process, it is different for everyone. There are there these studies on smiling, where smiling, even forcing yourself to smile increases your perception of being happy. Sometimes it is the same with living. You force yourself to live, to go through those familiar routines... and then eventually, you are really doing it. You are living and loving and taking care of yourself again. Just make sure you balance pushing yourself with compassion for yourself. emoticon



LAURIEANDBLUE2K SparkPoints: (17,414)
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Posts: 212
7/28/13 5:53 P

I am so sorry for your loss. My brother lost his only child to a rare cancer in 2006. It took 3 years for this horrific disease to take her life. She was 12 when she was diagnosed and 15 when she passed. It was heartbreaking to witness and so very sad. While I don't personally know your feelings I saw what losing a child was like for my brother. (I of course was heartbroken because she was my niece and I Ioved her very much too.)

To this day, 7 years later he visits her grave many times a year. He says it makes him feel at peace and he makes sure the grave site is kept up and taken care of. Since she was his only child I believe taking care of her grave helps him to continue feeling like he is still doing things for her.


Got bless you and I know things will never be "normal" but I hope you will find hope and strength again in your life. We are here for you.

KOMTRIA Posts: 363
7/17/13 10:35 A

Oh man, I have nothing to add but am so very sorry for your loss. You will probably loose weight once you have figured out how to carry the grief. I don't think the grief will go away I think you will learn to live with it. Please find a grief counselor you shouldn't walk this process by yourself.


CGH-ARTYPANTS SparkPoints: (23,447)
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Posts: 497
7/16/13 3:59 P

There is so much good advise here. Most everyone has experienced loss. I must say, from having lost grandparents, parents and two grandchildren that losing a young one is the hardest (at least it has been for me). We are not supposed to outlive our children or grandchildren...but it happens.
11 years ago, my 3 month old granddaughter died of SIDS. That was absolutely aweful and stressful for us all. Then, on June 1 of this year my same daughter tragically lost her two year old son to an accidental drowning. Depression medication helped her through her first loss. She is getting medication and counseling this time. She has to function for her remaining five children (age 4-15). As a mother and grandmother, I grieve for the loss and also have heart ache for my daughter who is experiencing so much pain.
My weight has remained the same, basically, since the accident. I have been on maintenance. I now feel like I am ready to start putting my mind to losing again. I want to be healthy for my children and the other grandchildren.
I really like what one poster said - that if she was to die, she would want her mom to move on and have a healthy life. Think about what your daughter would want. Start doing what you need to do in her honor. Make it a tribute to her - that you will live your life to the fullest.

I am sorry for your loss. I also agree with another poster who wisely said something like "I can't know how you feel, but I have had feelings like it." We all have different circumstances, personalities, and support systems. We can never fully understand another's grief, but we can empathize based on our own experience. I encourage you to honor your daughter with your life - and make it a good one.

AHEGEL2 SparkPoints: (3,658)
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7/16/13 12:07 A

Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my oldest boy 7 years ago. He was 23 and had just got married. The pain and grief from such a loss is tremendous and can only be understood by others who have suffered a similar loss. Don't let anyone force you to stop grieving because you never will. There are so many little things that remind me of my son and I still find myself mourning. The good news is that you will learn how deal with the pain. When I first lost my son I took comfort in knowing that he is with God and my mother and other missed family members. I know he is safe and doesn't have to worry about the pains and perils of life. And as a family my remaining 4 kids and I can laugh about some of the little things we remember about him. This year, my youngest celebrated her birthday because she was officially older than her oldest brother. Take comfort in the little things, celebrate your daughter's life but also allow yourself to grieve. It's all normal. Your daughter is safe now and you will be with her again. God loves you and understands your pain. Turn to Him often for comfort.

SARAJANE_82 Posts: 127
7/12/13 1:31 P

My heart goes out to you mama! I lost my first child when she was 2 and I gained weight. Lots of weight.

It is the worst pain I can imagine and I am so sorry anyone has to go through this. I feel inept for advice giving because I stuffed my emotions down with food and was busy taking care of another baby with another on the way. Tough times.

Words can seem so empty but just know that time does ease pain. She will always be a part of you and you make a new normal for life. Normal is out the window. But you can build from here, you can move forward.

Take it from someone who knows, take the time to mourn, don't stuff the emotions. I know they are SO hard and SO raw even a year later. One foot in front of the other. Make lists of things you are grateful that you do have. I also found some comfort in writing down my favorite memories of her. I cried a lot when I did but I only ever wish I had written more. My darn brain doesn't remember as vividly as I would like it to years later and it is a blessing to go back and read those little details about her I wrote at the time.

Go easy on yourself. It can take years for the body to simply physically recover from the stress of such a loss. Finding someone to talk to about it can help a great deal. You have gotten a lot of good advice here. Feel free to friend me if you ever want to chat.

You can do this! Much love dear mama. emoticon

Edited by: SARAJANE_82 at: 7/12/2013 (13:34)
KEELY128 SparkPoints: (215,268)
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Posts: 5,902
7/12/13 12:38 P

I am so sorry for your lose! Heal your heart then worry about your body. It will all come back to you.

CHRISTASP Posts: 1,620
7/12/13 11:04 A

Very, very sorry for your loss. I can understand that your heart is so heavy.

I would look at what things you changed in your life after your daughter passed away. Did you stop moving? Did you make different food choices? I'd turn back these changes, first, before doing anything else.
Make a sparkpage so other members here can support you.

02SERENE Posts: 131
7/12/13 12:53 A

First, I am sorry about the loss of your daughter. Have you checked in your area for a grief support group? Sometimes a therapist can refer you or a doctor, or hospital.

As far as advice I don't want to give out well meaning advice and put you on overload.

Grieving and dealing with sadness. I don't want to tell a platitude, because it can't be described unless you have lived through grief.
There is a book I bought and read through Amazon dealing with your same issue.

She was a mother who also lost a daughter. It is her story and her recovery. And grieving steps in a simple way.

"Someone to Talk To" by Samatha M. White. She writes how she got through it, less than 202 pages.

And lastly, remember to be kind to yourself. You are a human being and can get through this.

There is a lot of information here on the sparkspeople site. You sound motivated to me. You posted a blog message. That in itself is very courageous. Give yourself a pat on the back for reaching this point.





Edited by: 02SERENE at: 7/12/2013 (01:02)
CLARK971 Posts: 735
7/11/13 8:55 P

So sorry for your loss.

MACLOVIAITA SparkPoints: (18,013)
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Posts: 201
7/11/13 1:11 A

emoticon Oh My God this most be the most terrible thing that can happen to any body. Loosing your child . I can't even imaging . May God almighty restore your soul and give strength to continue. This is one of those times when we need to believe in a Supreme Being for comfort . ..
I didn't loose a child , but I am always thinking and hoping and preying for my children to be safe in whatever they do. I thank my Lord for everyday that I know my children are alright.
They are far away but I try to keep in touch with them and see how they are doing.
May God almighty richly bless you and give you renewed. strength to cope with such loss.
We are all keeping hope that your lives will be filled with love and strength knowing that there are things we all have to accept at the end of this life , since, we all will have to pass through this valley. We are all here passing through, and hopefully learning in our way what is the right thing to do to make it to the other side hopefully . May God richly BLESS YOU emoticon emoticon

SHAR14 Posts: 6
7/10/13 9:36 P

Hi Ihilanis Mom!

Oh my dear, I'm so sorry you have become a part of this unnamed group. I too lost my son, Jordan, he was 17 too. He was my baby and that was in Oct 2009. Like you, my grief has manifested itself in many ways, low iron, almost diabetic, tiredness, depression, anxiety, so many things...Many do not understand the strong and heavy physiological reaction a parent has when they have lost their child. It's painful and heavy, feels like you are trying to scream underwater. I don't know how you feel, I only know that I have felt similar feelings. Your pain really is matched by your love but it is your pain. It doesn't get easier, Hon, you WILL get stronger. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack and be compassionate to yourself.

Here's my advice for you since it's only just been a year. Try to be comfortable in the grief, you've been here before and you have made it through. Now, I will stand by you, even in the dark. I read many books and sought out compassionate humans. Good for you for being aware, that's all you need to be. Drink lots of water, get a massage - there is such a thing as grief massage that will get the energy moving. The first time I had it I sobbed on the table, probably because I felt like someone was looking after me. I, too, gained lots of weight, just staring at the tv, not really watching, just passing time, go to bed, wake up watch tv.

My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression, general anxiety and PTSD. I took atavan only to stop my negative spiral, after that, I could finally see the light. Just enough to start looking after myself again. I'm the Mom of a Special Angel, and so are you. Your baby girl is with you always, but for me, my baby boy is closer when I am happier. So, sit up, breathe, smile, know you are not alone...there's a Prayer in my Heart for you, my dear! Love and Light...JWIL14 emoticon

SMILES4383 Posts: 14,706
12/2/12 2:54 P

So sorry for your loss.

You've come to the right site for motivation and support.


LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (29,182)
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Posts: 1,990
12/2/12 1:42 P

Hi IHILANISMOM.

First, please accept our heartfelt hugs to you on such a horrible loss. I can't even imagine...

But I'm going to go out on a limb here. Obviously, I didn't have the pleasure of knowing your daughter personally, but I bet like a lot of daughters, she loved (and still does, albeit not on this earthly plane) her mom very much.

I just bet...that she would want her beloved mom to be healthy...to be able to live her life to do all the things that she wants and needs to do. To enjoy her life here and bless others in the process.

It really has been a short time since she passed. Be especially kind to yourself right now. But know that her love for you can help lift you up and carry you through. Sometimes, you may just not be feeling it and may slack off. That's okay. But other times...perhaps you can think of her, and do what you know you need & want to do in her honor.

Go for walks and talk to her. You'll be getting exercise and can talk to her about all the beauty you are seeing in the trees, how you are doing, etc.

I am a daughter myself, and if I passed, I would absolutely not want my mom to be consumed in grief to the point where it affected her health. I would be sad!

Lastly, I lost two dear people in 2011. They were gone from this world way to early. Sometimes, when I went on my early morning runs, I would dedicate it to them because they couldn't physically be here to run themselves. I was just grateful I was still here and able to do so. Then I would think of of & fun / funny / unique things about these people and would usually end up smiling.

All the best to you.

emoticon

MICHELLEXXXX SparkPoints: (6,893)
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Posts: 2,031
12/2/12 12:45 P

I'm sending love and prayers your way.
I think getting my body moving in that situation would be the only way I could walk through all the emotions and move onward; I understand your desire to get back to it.
Our journeys are all so different and still all so connected.
Regarding your nutrition, given your pre-diabetic state, I would encourage embracing all natural, unprocessed fuels. I would focus on small frequent amounts if that feels comfortable for you.
I have a friend who has improved from her insulin-resistance and uses a plan somewhat like this:

6am: omelet : 4 egg whites + 1oz cheese + 1c veggies of choice. unlimited decaf coffee, tea, water.
10am: green smoothie (2c raw spinach, 1/2 cucumber, 3T diced tomato, garlic, spices to taste)
1pm: large garden salad, 3oz meat of choice (wild/natural preferably), 1T olive oil, 1c veggie soup
3pm: broccoli cheese mini quiche muffin
5pm: 3oz fatty fish, 1c steamed non-starchy veggie, side salad w/1T olive oil drizzled over top,
8pm: raw veggies of choice dipped in 6oz plain ff greek yogurt,




Edited by: MICHELLEXXXX at: 12/2/2012 (12:52)
MSANITAL SparkPoints: (72,755)
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Posts: 7,647
12/2/12 6:04 A

I am so sorry for your loss, I just could not imagine this tragic event happening,
and I wish I had words for you.. but the only thing that comes to my mind is
keep praying.. keep reaching out. like your doing and ask for help... don't feel you need to do this all your self.. you don't... Somedays when you feel like you cannot walk. ask someone to help, somedays when you feel like you cannot stop eating, ask someone to help.
one good thing is people here will help you ... anytime.. and please any time you want to reach out. I am here as well.

God Bless

ABRIELLA SparkPoints: (4,322)
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Posts: 19
12/2/12 3:44 A

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can understand that you turned to food to comfort you. I think the fact that you have joined such a great community will help so much.

I would like to recommend that you order a "deluxe" pedometer like Omron has. They have them on Amazon and the best is the kind that is sort of purplish and that you can track your progress on a computer. Start out with 1000-3000 steps daily. And then each week add more and more steps until after a few months, you have worked yourself up to 10,000 steps daily. Track your progress daily and force yourself to get your steps in. Even if you change NOTHING else except this initially, it will be a starting point! The very act of exercising will be so good for your soul. Your daughter would WANT you to take care of yourself.

BRITOMART Posts: 7,426
12/1/12 12:59 P

I'm sorry. There is no loss harder.

Have you grieved? You speak of being a couch potato and of gaining weight, but those are natural reactions to an silenced sorrow. Our world doesn't offer much sympathy for grief; 6-7 months is a very short time, but people will (soon, if not already) hint you have mourned long enough, when, in reality, it'll be with you, part of the fabric of your life, forever. That means any decision has to be made with the loss of your beloved daughter as part of the picture. I'm not suggesting you bury yourself in sorrow, and certainly not saying you shouldn't move on to live a vibrant and vital life, but you have to move on as a whole individual, and your loss is part of that wholeness.

You've had great suggestions for health and weight loss. I'm only asking you to be sure to keep the whole picture in mind. Your daughter will always be part of your reality; your life can celebrate hers.

BARB0863 SparkPoints: (8,766)
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Posts: 93
11/30/12 10:55 P

My deepest condolences on your loss. There are really no words that say enough to comfort you.

I lost my best friend and business partner over 2 years ago. As others have said take the time you need to grieve, for your daughter, for what you won't experience together and for your loss. Everyone goes through grief differently, from my experience I've found that things never get back to normal but you create a "new" normal. It was hard to hear people say things will get back to normal, I started telling them no it won't but I'm going to find my new normal. I think I'm still finding it (and creating it) and the process takes time. It took me the past 2 years to get to the point when I felt I could do this and do it for me.

If you need to reach out for help to go through everything by all means find and use whatever help is available to you.

Don't push yourself too hard with anything you feel you need to do, take baby steps. When you feel you can start making changes there will be people here to listen, offer advice and the encouragement to keep going.

emoticon emoticon

INSANITY77 SparkPoints: (4,351)
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Posts: 82
11/30/12 5:48 P

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is just so devastating.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

This community is so helpful at being supportive. I have found great strenght from the wisdom/advice from this group.

BEST WISHES TO YOU.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (131,874)
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Posts: 21,647
11/30/12 4:14 P

Hi IHILANISMOM

I am sending my condolences for such a tragic loss of a beautiful life. I can fully understand your heavy heart!

Archimedes has given excellent advice for the nutrition/exercise, so I won't repeat that.

I suggest that you talk with your Dr about how you are feeling and ask for a referral to a Grief Therapist! Only when the grief has been dealt with will you be able to move on. You will find that with the appropriate tools you will be given, you will be able to start living your life again, slowly but surely, just as your daughter would have wanted.

Know that you CAN do this! With our support, the support of those around you and your health providers you CAN do this!

BIG hugs,
Kris xxx



SP_COACH_NANCY SparkPoints: (158,833)
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Posts: 46,222
11/30/12 4:05 P

Hi IHILANISMOM,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Nothing prepares us for coping with such a tragedy. Archimedes gave some excellent advice so I don't have too much more to add except that if you feel your pain and sorrow is too difficult, maybe finding a support group for others who are going through a similar situation may help you deal with your loss.

My thoughts and prayers for you.

Coach Nancy

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (140,449)
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Posts: 20,728
11/30/12 3:54 P

IHILANISMOM,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. It's never easy to cope with a tragedy of this kind, so don't beat yourself up because you turned to food for comfort. You've already taken a step towards improving your health by joining Spark People. Fill out the Spark nutrition profile and start logging your food choices. Studies have shown that people who log their food lose more weight than those who don't. If logging seems overwhelming, then why not start by logging one meal a day. start with breakfast. Log breakfast for a couple of weeks and when you start feeling more comfortable, add another meal. Keep adding meals until you are logging everything.

Take baby steps literally and figuratively. I'm going to give you one piece of advice that I give to all new members and it is this,"don't look at weight loss or good health with an all or nothing mentality". If the only healthy thing you were to do for yourself today was to drink 8 glasses of water, that's still a step in the right direction.

Set some simple goals. Example, if you haven't been eating your veggies, set a goal to eat 2-3 servings of fresh fruit and veggies each day for one week. If you haven't been drinking 8 glasses of water, set a goal to drink 2-4 glasses each day for one week. if you haven't been exercising, set a goal to take a 30 minute walk each day for one week. once you've achieved these goals, then you set new ones.

Good health is not "all or nothing". Every little bit really does make a difference, but you have to start out slowly.

Be kind to yourself as you would to others.

emoticon


IHILANISMOM Posts: 4
11/30/12 3:42 P

Okay here I go. I lost my 17 year old daughter in a fire on May 22 2012. Since then I have been lost and depressed. I have become a couch potato again and gained back 30+ pounds. I need to do something because my doctor says my cholesterol is up and I am now borderline diabetic. I have been in such a slump and need to do something to make me feel better. I am soul searching for ways to get back to my goals and get back to living. It seems just hard with such a heavy heart. Perhaps that is where the 30 pounds went is to my heart. Just need some advice on how to get back to my goals and staying motivated. Thank You

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