I wish I didn't feel this way... I complained about someone at work, and now I feel guilty, like I was tattling, and like I am a bad person. They did something wrong, it was minor but a violation of our safety policy. Plus I was hot and cranky. They won't get in trouble, they just might get a reminder if anything, but even so, I feel like I was being a bitch.
Why do I have to feel bad about myself if I report something? I know the answer is: I don't.
SO... I just need to stop it. Push it out of my head.
This is the kind of thing that makes me turn to food... conflict with others. I cannot tolerate it. I think it was because I was emotionally abused as a child. I have it in my head that everyone needs to like me and I always have to be nice and not rock the boat. But the reality is that EVERYONE gets into conflict with others so I just have to do it.
Not everyone is going to like me.... a fact.
She broke the rules... a fact.
She may think I am a bitch.... OH WELL, I don't even know her and I doubt it is a big deal anyways.
I need to get over it.
Fitness Minutes: (2,289)
94 8/8/13 9:32 P
You can do it. Don't always wait for the next day to get back. Get back on track for the next meal. Keep yourself busy and journal when you feel like doing something wrong.
I was depressed today and I know I went towards the carbs. So I know it is hard. But I know you can do it.
AAAHHH! I am so pissed at myself!!! I binged again yesterday. This has been going on for a week now. Here is the pattern: I get up in the am, determined to get back on track, give myself a pep talk, go to SparkCoach and do the tasks there, go for a walk, but then by 2pm or so, I get bored so I feel like eating a bunch of carbs and taking a nap. So I do.then when I wake up, I tell myself I'll start tomorrow and so I eat a big or unhealthy dinner. Then, of course, I feel depressed since I am not working on my goals, and I resolve to start over. I know I need to get back on track, but I just don't.
I just re-read the paragraph above and realized something... I have the summer off from work (I am a school bus driver) and I don't have much to do... so I get bored a lot. My husband has been working during the day, so I have been alone.
What is that old saying... "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"?
So... I need to keep myself busier. Duh.
My depression/anxiety makes this simple thing so hard. I have no motivation to do anything. I often say "my inertia is too great" It's not really laziness... it's that whenever I think of something to do, I usually get overwhelmed and super anxious over it, so then I do nothing and feel anxious about that. Welcome to my mental illness.
So action plan: I need to think up things to keep me busy that don't provoke so much anxiety. Today I will make a list.
I have been thinking A LOT about the anxiety that I had about "obsessing" or spending too much time on Spark People, and I decided it was basically a non-issue. Just me over-thinking again.
First of all, I decided that talking to my sister about my program is not a good idea. I am frankly worried about her. Sadly, she is heavier than me and she basically refuses to do anything about it. She had gestational diabetes during her last pregnancy 3 years ago, and even that did not scare her, she has gained more weight since then. Her cupboards are FULL of junk food. When I babysit, I need to bring my own food. She drinks a lot of (regular, not diet) soda and does not exercise. And worst of all, she almost seems proud of it. So anything she has to say on the subject is not going to be supportive.
Second of all, if I need to spend a lot time on this website, so be it. I need support and basically I get some from my husband, which is great, but I get NONE from the rest of my family whom I spend a great deal of time with. My mom and sister are blatant food pushers, and my sister actually gets angry at me for talking about how much weight I have lost or exercise or anything like that. Spark People is a haven full of supportive people that have all of the same issues that I do AND are trying to work on them and get better. And that is good for me.
Yes, I need to watch the time I spend doing unproductive things, but working on the problem takes time and energy, and I NEED to do that to save my life, so that is hardly unproductive.
I have decided that I will track my food for as long as it takes me to lose all of the weight I need to and continue until I am comfortable in maintenance. Then I can move on to other techniques. If it is working, why mess with it?
I had 2 days where I was "off the plan" and I realized it had to do with me feeling that SparkPeople was actually making me worse.
My sister and I had this conversation about weight and eating, and she was saying that she can't deal with the scale or thinking about what to eat at all... that it makes her crazy. I was telling her about my program, tracking food and exercise, and she said she could never do that, that it is way too much focus on the problem. So I walked away thinking about all of the time I spend tracking, looking up foods, reading articles, interacting with other members, doing the SparkCoach program and thinking I was just turning one problem into another, turning overeating into obsessing about how much I eat. I am worried that I am focusing too much on my eating etc, and that makes me feel like I am "doing it wrong".
Am I going to have to track my food for the rest of my life? Is spending two or more hours a day on this website normal? Is it really healthy?
I went back to the Dr. to recheck my blood pressure, and to see how the medicine is working. It is working great. She put me back on on thyroid meds. This is good news for my weight loss, since it will help to normalize my metabolism. She also put me back on antidepressants for reasons too many to go into. Let's just say that they are probably saving my life.
I don't like the idea of being on 3 medicines, but in the interest of my health, I'll do what the Dr. orders. I will work towards getting off the blood pressure meds, but I will most likely be on thyroid and antidepressants the rest of my life.
I will be thankful that I can take such medications instead of feeling sorry for myself. If I lived 100 years ago, these would not be available to me and I would no doubt be much worse off.
So I lost a half a pound this week and I am working thought the disappointment that I felt on the scale. I know I should be glad that it went in the right direction, but I have this unrealistic idea that since I did everything right I should be "rewarded" with a big loss. I need to replace that idea with something more realistic.
I do know that every little bit adds up. If I had lost only one half pound a week in the past two years I would weigh 52 pounds less. But instead, I gained 50 lbs. because I had given up and felt like it wasn't worth the effort.
I know that I just need to adjust my expectations. Half a pound is great progress! Yey me!
So my foot/ankle issues are definitely much, much better (almost gone!) and I can now walk a couple of miles a day with NO pain! So the trip to the podiatrist, ordering the arch supports, and the physical therapy all were SO worth it! That makes me feel so good, not only that I'm pain free, but that I did something about a problem instead of giving up and limping around! I cared for myself!
Went to the Dr., and she put me back on high blood pressure meds. Also she took a blood sample to test my thyroid... I may have to go back on thyroid meds too, which is good if it helps me feel to better.
Today I am feeling pretty good. I still need to walk and do my ankle exercises (rehab for a bad sprain) but I am feeling motivated.
I checked my blood pressure at the grocery store, they got a new machine, and it was way up, so I guess I need to go back on meds. Oh well. I need to take care of myself. Maybe when I lose about 40 lbs., I can stop again.
I'm back again, this time trying the SparkCoach program. I have lost a total of 5 lbs this year which is okay, but I need to lose 80 so I need to keep focused and on track and stop bingeing so much. Back to baby steps.
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