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RANDYNWV Posts: 18,443
5/19/14 4:53 P

I so needed to laugh -- -sometimes I just take myself too seriously.

Searched Spark Message Boards for jokes and found this thread ----



Edited by: RANDYNWV at: 5/19/2014 (17:04)
ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
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11/21/13 10:26 P

LOL.... emoticon

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today, I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing regulations, were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked the teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion, or a Band-Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers, I know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author Unknown

SUNSET09 SparkPoints: (534,643)
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11/21/13 9:34 P

What did the triangle say to the circle??

You're pointless! emoticon

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
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3/22/13 10:50 A

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker
that says...

I - DA - HO emoticon

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
3/21/13 2:03 P

Did you hear the one about the Elephant with diarrhea?
You should have, it's all over town!

CAMEOSUN SparkPoints: (86,617)
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Posts: 10,426
3/21/13 12:26 P

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
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3/21/13 11:05 A

Republicans in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
3/18/13 3:44 P

seen on an epitaph:

Here lies Spock
He's Bones now

Here lies Lester Moore
four slugs from a .44
no less, no more

23KAIYA Posts: 4,935
3/18/13 3:17 P

I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

One day my niece swallowed a bunch of quarters. So we took her to the hospital for an X-ray to check on her status. There was no change. That's priceless!

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/18/13 10:43 A

Stress Relief: Picture yourself near a stream, birds softly chirping in the cool mountain air. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger".

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named Ahmal. The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!

TRVLGRL30 SparkPoints: (3,405)
Fitness Minutes: (444)
Posts: 32
3/15/13 4:01 P

A three legged dog walked into a bar....looking for the man that shot his pa(w).

23KAIYA Posts: 4,935
3/15/13 3:37 P

LOL love it

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/15/13 3:15 P

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie." emoticon

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
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Posts: 4,632
3/13/13 6:50 P

Good jokes... emoticon

CHEETARA79 SparkPoints: (107,199)
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Posts: 3,872
3/13/13 2:40 P

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: people who know binary and people who don't.

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (245,404)
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Posts: 14,858
3/13/13 2:01 P

3 pastors and their wives are driving to a conference. There is a car wreck and all 6 die at the crash site.

At the pearly gates, the first one walks up to St. Peter and says, "I'll just go on in. I know I'm on the list."
St. Peter replies, "no, sir. I'm sorry I do not see your name."
"WHAT? I devoted my life to doing the Lord's work!"
St. Peter says, "Yes sir. I understand. But all your life, all you cared about was alcohol. You never drank any, but you thought about it all the time. You wouldn't even marry until you met a woman named Sherry!"

The next pastor strolls on up: "You can check the list, but I'm sure it's just a formality. I know that I'm on the list."
St. Peter replies, "well, I'm sorry but I do not see you listed. It says here that your thoughts were consumed by the lust for money. You never did anything dishonest to gain money, but you were so obsessed with money you wouldn't marry until you met a woman named Penny."

The 3rd pastor turns to his wife and says, "Fanny, we might as well leave."

FIRECOM SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 5,855
3/13/13 11:44 A

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
3/13/13 11:16 A


ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/13/13 10:18 A

Tithing in Church

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." emoticon

Edited by: ZENANDNOW at: 3/13/2013 (10:19)
23KAIYA Posts: 4,935
3/12/13 11:35 P

Need a friend? Text me.
Need a laugh? Call me.
Need money? This number is no longer in service.

NGREGOR SparkPoints: (16,523)
Fitness Minutes: (5,754)
Posts: 728
3/12/13 1:33 P

Cartoon and all interested: I did laughter yogqa once. It was conducted by a person trained in L-Y. It was kind of weird at first - no one knew what to do or what to expect. In the end everyone chuckled, laughed and left happy.

CARTOON3 SparkPoints: (36,232)
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Posts: 2,677
3/12/13 1:17 P

I looked up laughter Yoga and I think that would be so much fun.

NGREGOR SparkPoints: (16,523)
Fitness Minutes: (5,754)
Posts: 728
3/12/13 1:16 P

A wondeerful site reminding us all tht "Laughter is the Best Medicine."
Thank you all.
emoticon emoticon

FIRECOM SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (11,796)
Posts: 5,855
3/12/13 12:21 P

What a fun place. Thanks to all.

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
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Posts: 4,632
3/12/13 11:43 A

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!" emoticon

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (245,404)
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Posts: 14,858
3/12/13 9:49 A

two guys walk into a bar

the first guy looks back at the second guy and says, "you didn't see it either?"

BBYGIRLBELLA SparkPoints: (10,113)
Fitness Minutes: (1,100)
Posts: 68
3/11/13 9:08 P

some were very good

GERARLAUR Posts: 341
3/11/13 8:16 P

very cute.

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/11/13 7:00 P

Three notes walk into a A, an F, and a G. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't allow minors in here!" emoticon

23KAIYA Posts: 4,935
3/11/13 6:51 P

LOL, some good ones here.
So here's a joke for all the mind readers out there.......

MARTYJOE Posts: 428
3/11/13 5:58 P

A termite walked into the bar and asked ...Where's the bar tender

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
3/11/13 2:29 P

I read this yesterday

A lady went into a coma while giving birth to twins, when she awoke 6 weeks later, she asked how her twins were. The doc replied by saying "they are both healthy and your brother named them"
oh no the lady replied "not my brother!"
she asked "what did he name them?"
doc said "he named the girl Denise"
the lady said okay "Denise isn't bad, I can live with that"
what did he name the boy? she asked
doc said "Denephew"

FIRECOM SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 5,855
3/11/13 12:57 P

RIVETPA, this could have come from Henny Youngman, one of my favorite comedians.

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/11/13 12:56 P

@RIVETPA.... bada-bing, bada-boom! emoticon

RIVETPA Posts: 1,177
3/11/13 12:46 P

A fellow walks in to a bar and strolls up to the bar tender. He says "give me something cold and full of gin" - the bar tender says "take my wife."

Har - de - har!

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (245,404)
Fitness Minutes: (122,889)
Posts: 14,858
3/11/13 11:53 A

what did the guru say to the hotdog vendor?

make me one with everything

NGREGOR SparkPoints: (16,523)
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Posts: 728
3/11/13 11:46 A

Zen, liked your Southern Zodiac and seems to be as accurate as traditional and Chinese Zodiacs. Thank you for the fun.

Edited by: NGREGOR at: 3/11/2013 (11:47)
I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
3/11/13 11:44 A

OKRA by the person I am, but if going by birthdate I gotta go see your chart again, okay I am back, it would be COLLARDS and that is fitting too.

Edited by: I_HEART_MY_FAM at: 3/11/2013 (11:49)
FIRECOM SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (11,796)
Posts: 5,855
3/11/13 11:43 A

I was watching a beautiful sunset the other night so I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

And I am a possum.

Edited by: FIRECOM at: 3/11/2013 (11:44)
3/11/13 11:00 A

MoonPie on front porch. (don't even have a front porch!)

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/11/13 10:50 A

I'm a Collards! emoticon

3/11/13 10:44 A


I'm a possum!

ZENANDNOW SparkPoints: (68,476)
Fitness Minutes: (2,138)
Posts: 4,632
3/11/13 10:41 A

I don't know what happened to the other joke thread, but here is another one. And to start off with.....


Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in "the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

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