Jules, You need a mate who loves you not what he thinks you should be. It's not the weight, it's the control of your life that he wants. I was engaged to just such a person. Fortunately, I didn't marry him. My husband of 31 years has been supportive of me through good times and bad, thin and thick. We care about each other enough to overlook the imperfections and annoyances and really enjoy being there for each other. I hope your heart heals quickly and you have a new chapter in your life where you aren't emotionally abused. Because calling you names like a dead weight is emotional abuse.
Hi Jules, I know how much this must hurt. Let him go, it is easier in the long run, than living a life constantly under pressure, because you might gain a few pounds. Someone mentioned earlier on that you should consider seeing a councillor who would help you to regain your self esteem. I think that is a good route to go, if you are having problems shaking this lout.
Fitness Minutes: (3,008)
11/12/13 7:44 P
Hi Jules, I agree with everyone who responded to you tonight. Now listen to me... I am 56 years old and a lot of what you said are things I lived through when I was your age. Problem was that I married that boyfriend and it only got worse. I only weighed 119 pounds when we got married and worked out all the time and he was never SATISFIED! I had two kids in my 30's and after both got back to 125-128 pounds -- still not good enough. I ended up raising my kids alone while he went to greener pastures! We divorced and he married again and now he is divorced again. They never find what they are looking for --- perfection....it doesn't exist. Heck, I remember one time before we got married -- probably your age -- I was in the best shape of my life and got down to 112 pounds, very low body fat percentage and all the guys wanted to date me but I was with HIM. He still wasn't happy. I know it hurts your heart and you are feeling so bad for the time you put in the relationship and then he treats you terribly. I dated my boyfriend for 7 years and then we married. We ended up being married 9 years and he left me when my two kids were 4 and 7. In my heart, I have forgiven him. I think now that he is older he could just kick himself for being so superficial. I was the best woman for him but he couldn't see that. Find yourself someone who loves you for you and accepts you. I wish I could have walked away but I made a mistake that millions upon millions of women make -- "I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM".....wrong. I wish you the best. It will hurt for a while but in the long run, I think you will find someone who is more suited for you and who will treasure you for you. (((HUGS)))
Edited by: MCCC75 at: 11/13/2013 (18:26)
11/9/13 6:21 P
This might sound a little...hell a lot harsh but you need to hear this. I am speaking to you as I would speak to my sisters. HE DID NOT LOVE YOU...POINT BLANK AND THE PERIOD. HE WAS IN LOVE WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR HIM. HE WAS USING YOU. I've been thru it...been there done that and I am still standing. NOW YOU NEED TO PACK HIS BAG AND TELL HIM TO GET THE HELL OUT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, PUT ALL HIS CRAP (the s-word) OUT ON THE CORNER AND LET HIM GET IT. MAKE SURE THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. Now I need to ask you a question. Do you love yourself? Do you really love Jules? Are you in love with Jules? You have to love yourself! I love the heck out of myself. You have to love yourself and know your worth. Now that that low life son of a gun is out of your life it's time to have some ME (Jules) time. You need to take care of Jules and live for Jules. I know it hurts right now but you will be alright. Everything will work out for Jules. Keep your head up and keep it moving. He wasn't the man for you. Mr. Right is out there waiting for you...but you have to first get rid of the excess baggage and work on yourself. You're still young and you sound like an amazing person...Mr. Right will be there for you and HE WILL LOVE YOU FOR YOU!
If you every need to talk you can always send me a message.
I'm sorry. I know that the words that I'm about to type may not be what you want to hear, but they're what you need to hear. Your ex-boyfriend is a jerk. Your ex-boyfriend is emotionally abusive. No one deserves to be treated the way that you were treated. No one deserves to hear the things that he said to you.
I can understand that you would be upset - you've just lost your boyfriend, the person you had probably turned to for comfort and companionship. If he truly loved you for you, he NEVER would have said those things to you and treated you the way he did.
You deserve better. You will find better. Take this time to focus on yourself. Do things that you want to do and what you need to do. Make yourself happy.
11/9/13 12:53 P
I am so, so sorry that anyone could treat you this way. I know you are hurting, but I have to say it's not YOU at all. If he is telling the truth about his motivations, his view of life is shallow and ignorant.
The reality of life is that everyone's bodies change as we get older, and his body will change too. Of course you don't have your 23 year old body any more! Even though some people are blessed with youthful genetics, most people aren't. Your body will change even more drastically if you ever decide get pregnant and have a child.
He will eventually get old and grey and wrinkled, lose strength and muscle tone, and perhaps start losing his hair. Maybe he'll even put on a belly himself. And that's if things go WELL, and that he manages to live long enough to just get OLDER, and that he doesn't get sick or injured in the meantime!
You are beautiful and athletic and healthy from what you describe. His statements of you being chubby and "dead weight" are just flat out false. Dead weight doesn't work out, play soccer, or jog, or travel for work. What you are, is strong. You might be stronger than him. In any case, he wants someone weak and thin, not athletic and strong. In that sense, it's good for him to leave. You need someone caring who is strong enough to love you for the strong woman you are, not a jerk who tries to manipulate you into someone you aren't.
Play lots of soccer, jog more, maybe take up a new sport, or join a running club to meet people. Take some time for yourself and deal with the emotional eating. The emotional eating is a health risk if you don't deal with it.
There is someone out there who is worth your time, and you'll find that person sometime, and in the meantime it's going to hurt to break it off with this long-standing relationship. I am so sorry that you must go through this. It will get better! Take care of yourself.
Fitness Minutes: (214,640)
22,740 11/9/13 11:47 A
It seems to me when I read your post that you do still respect and care for this man. Take this as on opportunity to show respect and care for yourself and either restore the relationship or move on with confidence. It is great that you workout and it is a contributor to your wellness, but at least 80% of losing weight is all about food and nutrition. Substituting is a great way to get going. When you are tempted by junk food replace it with some nutrient rich choice like fruit, vegetables or nuts...unprocessed whole food. Track you food and use this time to become the healthiest most fit you. You have my empathy on breakup, stay strong.
11/9/13 10:18 A
Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this but he sounds very controlling. He looked at you with disgust and didn't want to marry you until you lost weight. You're worth so much more than that. People who love you want the best for you work to build your self esteem rather than tear it down. Although painful for now, he has given you the freedom to find someone who will love and value you for things that truly matter.
Fitness Minutes: (16,333)
11/9/13 5:57 A
I am so sorry you are going through this and I do (as I'm sure many of us do) know that awful feeling. I was captured by something you wrote: "I don't know when he stopped loving me. I don't know why things changed, was it because of the weight gain or is this weight disgust because he stopped loving me?" I suspect that in time, if you look back over your years together, you will see that he was perhaps not as loving and supportive as you remember. Love and support involves loving a person because, as he stated, you are a lovely person. Would you have left him if he gained weight? I think not. Be kind to yourself and know that in time it will get easier and you will be able to let go of this and you will be happy (happiER, actually) and you will be thankful that you did not end up with someone who cared only about what you looked like, not the loveliness in your heart. God bless.
Fitness Minutes: (74,035)
2,483 11/9/13 12:13 A
I agree with SlimmerKiwi. That guy's the problem. Help him pack his bags. Just make u're he's not trying to leave with ANYTHING of yours!
Good time to see a friendly counselor to discuss self-esteem issues. You need to love you for you, just as you are.
Get a massage, manicure, pedicure - do something nice and fun for you.
You have any close, trustworthy women friends? If you do, have fun with them!
Be sure to find a counselor you like.
Fitness Minutes: (41,387)
26,801 11/8/13 11:51 P
Hi Jules - I am really sorry to hear that your bf has done this. I can tell you that HE is the problem - NOT YOU! This isn't about you; but rather about him and his prejudices and selfishness. He seems to really only be capable of considering and satisfying himself and he is blaming others (you) for his failings. You deserve so much more than that! I know it hurts, but in my view, you are well rid of him. There are many people out there who are capable of loving you for you - WHO you are, rather than someone they have molded you into.
BIG hugs to you, Kris xxx
Fitness Minutes: (0)
3 11/8/13 10:24 P
Hi...I'm new here, and I never posted a question or anything before,,,...but I need some inspiration, some advice.
I was always chubby. Round, full figured. I'm 5'5 or 165cm. I was always a size 14 or 12. I met my fiancé 6 years ago and he did everything for me,we did everything for each other. I started running. I ran two marathons. I lost 10kgs, or 20lbs. I was amazingly well shaped, for being me. A size 8, or 36 eu size. My bf still thought I was a bit too chubby, but he loved me and supported me. Went jogging with me and so on.
Then, I started my new job and I had to travel a lot. Two years later I had gained weight, 10kgs or 20 lbs. I tried so hard, I did so much, but never seemed to lose more than a few pounds. So I did lipo on my stomach l which didn't do much,p besides sucking off 2lbs or 1,5kgs,,
So my guy stopped having sex with me. Started getting mean. Would look at me in disgust if we had an argument. Said he didnt want to marry me until I lost weight. I don't try hard. I don't know why. I work out a lot, I play soccer three times a week. I go jogging once. But I eat very unhealthy, it's like the worse things get in my relationship, the more junk I need to eat.
And tonight he came home, said I had been deadweight in his life for the past year and that he was so disgusted by my physical. He also said that I was a lovely person, but that he wanted to move on, he is young - we are both 29- and he wants to be with a woman as fit as he is, not a fat person like me.
I don't know when he stopped loving me. I don't know why things changed, was it because of the weight gain or is this weight disgust because he stopped loving me? I am so angry at myself for ruining my life by letting my body go. I don't know what to do. I leave on a two week business trip tomorrow and I think he will be gone when I'm back. He used to be so nice. He is a good guy. Just not now, to me.
It hurts badly and I wish someone could tell me what to do, because I am afraid to let go and I don't know what's right. If anyone reads this and wants to give a helping hand, speak up.
SparkPeople, SparkCoach, SparkPages, SparkPoints, SparkDiet, SparkAmerica, SparkRecipes, DailySpark, and other marks are trademarks of SparkPeople, Inc. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this website can be used without the permission of SparkPeople or its authorized affiliates.
SPARKPEOPLE is a registered trademark of SparkPeople, Inc. in the United States, European Union, Canada, and Australia. All rights reserved.