SHERYLDS, I do exactly the same thing with my mother! I try and tune her out as much as possible. If I try to tell her how I feel, she doesn't hear me. I am SO SORRY that she does this to you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, SMART, and WORTHY OF LOVE! Don't ever let ANYONE tell you differently!
Make a decision. That's what I did. How long are you going to let her be in control of your thoughts? I am not trying to be cruel, but at some point you need to decide that the life you have is of your own making. It took me some time and sometimes I falter, but that is what I did....took back the control of my own life! Wayne Dyer and Louise Hays are wonderful authors that I highly recommend.
Fitness Minutes: (5,526)
10,127 7/27/13 4:14 P
you have to deal with criticism. However, you could use it to your benefit. Don't get angry, use the energy to exercise, eat well and just get fit. Take it one-day-at-a-time. Soon you will feel better physically, emotionally and maybe tell the "mom" to be helpful and not critical (she may not be aware, believe it or not..)
That's so sad! I know that I have had to stand up to criticism from family members and I have actually had to cut them out of my life for a few years. Best thing I could have done, once they came back into my life I had no issues with disrespect.
Fitness Minutes: (214,125)
20,991 7/27/13 4:00 P
Eleanor Roosevelt once said,"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
It's tough to hear negative comments from our moms because we expect them to love us conditionally. Isn't that what moms are supposed to do ? Love us no matter what ? Aren't moms just like June Cleaver ? Understanding ? Kind ? Have a tray of cookie ready for us when we come back from a hard day at school ?
I wish life were as simple as it was on Leave it to Beaver, but it's not. Some parents are just plain mean spirited. I've said this to other members, we may have to love our parents or siblings, but we don't have to like them. It sounds like you have a toxic relationship with your mother.
NO ONE should ever feel like they should throw up when they look in the mirror. I too am going to encourage you to get some counseling to get YOUR life back. Don't let her mean spirited comments reflect on who you are as a person. Don't tie your self esteem to the scale. There really is more to good health than a number that stares at us from between our toes in the morning.
I agree with others. You might want to stop taking those calls from your mom for a short period of time. At least, if you can't ignore your mom, try ignoring her awful comments.
Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about this. They can refer you to a good therapist who can help you work through your relationship with your mom. Because even if you lose the weight and become a size 0, she'll just find something else to criticise. Lose weight because of YOUR reasons, not hers. You'll never make her happy.
It takes time to learn how to love yourself unconditionally, but once you do you'll be free from you mom's criticisms.
Fitness Minutes: (54,644)
3,122 7/27/13 3:33 P
I grew up with a very critical mother. Her words could cut to the bone. It took years for me to let go of that and to focus on me and what makes ME happy. Most of the time I could not please my mother. I learned it was more important to please myself. I needed to quit seeking her approval - because it most likely was not going to happen. There are times I still hear her voice in my head telling me something negative - but I quickly let go of that and focus on myself. Now I seek my own approval - there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment from reaching a goal I work on and accomplished - and there is no one that can take that away!
I hope you can let go of seeking her approval and move on to find happiness.
Fitness Minutes: (13,435)
1,463 7/27/13 3:23 P
It is her problem and not yours. You sound like you have a wonderful husband and daughter, so try to take comfort in that. Also as others have suggested try to get some counseling.
If she's saying these things to you, what is she saying to your daughter? What is your daughter learning from watching you suffer through this?
I absolutely agree with all of those who have recommended counselling, and I would be setting up a session or two for your daughter, too, to make sure that she isn't taking in a negative self-image from this.
Personally, I have no room for toxic people in my life, so I would cut off all contact. To me, blood connection means nothing - it's the heart connections that make a family. You've got a family with your husband and daughter, and with any friends with whom you have a heart connection. There's no need to keep a woman in your life who causes nothing but pain.
My mom was overly critical of me growing up too, and it wasn't until I moved 540 miles away that I was finally able to start recovering and building up some self-esteem. You really need to distance yourself from your mother for as long as she is making such hurtful, unsolicited comments. I do like the idea a previous poster suggested--holding the phone far enough so that you can't understand what she is saying. You might find it helpful to seek counseling.
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11,710 7/27/13 8:47 A
You have no one to please except yourself. Blow off your Mother's comments.
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2,953 7/27/13 8:08 A
I agree with the previous posts....don't give up and go for counselling. Life is too short to live the way you are living. Remember one thing, just because a person had a child that doesn't make them a mother.
The thing with parents is that because we start off listening to them when we are young, their words have VIP access to our hearts. Let a therapist help you deal with that. The poison from her is her issue. It is a symptom of something hurting her heart. It is NOT YOUR ISSUE. It is NOT ABOUT YOU. That book on boundaries is wonderful. They teach you to 'bounce' hurtful comments 'back' instead of taking it, pressing it into your heart and keeping it, and poisoning your life with it. I say, let her litter stay in her own yard. To lose weight one of the important things is to learn to love your amazing body, exactly as she is right now, she does many wonderful things for you each day. The weight won't shift in a major way until you get that. So start listening to other voices, stop listening to Mom's voice.. Try Karen and Lily on Sparkpeople Radio. They always go on about that, and teach strategies to change your thinking about your body. Hope this helps Hang in there.
Tough situation and let's all be honest here, you're never going to change your mom's opinion about you no mater what you do but you can change how you react to her.
What's the worst she can do if you tell her how you feel about what does to you? She's gonna criticize you more? You've been there done there and done that already so you know that road. You could always simply ignore what she's saying to you when it comes to those topics for example: Mom: (says something critical of you) You: (either get back on to the topic prior to her comment or start another one)
This has worked for me because the person criticizing me has the choice of either getting snubbed by me and accepting I won't take it anymore or they keep pursuing the topic which is bad for them because they start to look/sound like the villain that they think they're not. Ha, give people enough rope (figuratively) and they'll hang themselves for sure.
Fitness Minutes: (33,254)
21,854 7/27/13 5:29 A
Your mother sounds rather toxic. I suggest that you go to the Library for (or buy from Amazon) a book entitled "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This is a little of the blurb about it:
"Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others."
I know a LOT of members have read this and found it very helpful.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Therapy would be a good idea 4 u...My therapist told me this that my mother didn't have a mother's heart and that sounds like your mom. If you have a mother's heart you saying loving things to your child. If I were you when she calls I'd hang up on her. I'd tell her that until she respects you .....YOU will not talk to her. you deserve better than she is giving u........
Oh! I know EXACTLY how you feel. My blogs here on SP are filled rants about my mother.
Here's the thing you have to remember...there's nothing wrong with you. You are fine. You are upset, because some part of you recognizes that parents aren't supposed to treat their children like this. Parents are supposed to be supportive. They are not supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. They are supposed to point out all the really wonderful things that make them proud of you.
My advice is first, tell her that her words hurt. She will probably reject this notion and try to turn it all back on to you (again, I know from experience). If that happens, reduce the amount of contact you have with her. Cut her off. Life is too short to deal with toxic people like that. Besides, as you said, she's 12 states away. That makes it even easier. (My mom is two towns over...I'll trade you.)
Did she bring you into this world? Sure...but that doesn't give her license to treat you with disrespect.
You said that everyone tells you that you're a great woman. Focus on their voices. Her voice doesn't count anymore, because it isn't saying anything worth listening to.
I'm so sorry. It's incredibly painful when the people that are supposed to love us the most are cruel instead.
I'm going to add another word - she's not emotionally and verbally *critical*, she's emotionally and verbally *abusive*. Her words are intended to do nothing but hurt you and manipulate you, and that's the effect they're having. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean it's ok to treat you this way, and you would be well justified in changing the relationship and no longer taking her calls (which is what I would do, and have done with other people).
I also encourage you to speak to a counselor, to help you see your self-worth again and give you advice on how to handle this relationship and interactions with your mom. I can't believe that beautiful lady with the warm smile in your profile pic is being told such cruel things, to the point of throwing up because you believe it. *big hugs*
Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to like her or even have anything to do with her.
What would you do if this woman weren't related to you? I'm guessing that if this were just an old teacher or family acquaintance, you would stop answering the phone when she called, and you certainly wouldn't visit her. That's a good way to handle a person like that-- send her cards on her birthday and holidays, maybe mail her an occasional school picture of your kids, but don't have any actual contact. No one ever has to talk to someone who's mean to them.
Counseling is also a very good idea. If nothing else, a counselor or therapist can help you see yourself as you really are and put aside your mother's criticism.
I've been there. It is her problem ....NOT YOURs. You know that she is like that. Stop listening to her toxic rant and distance yourself from her negative talk.
I'll give you a great tip. As a young woman, I went thru the same nonsense...and got my feeling hurt every time. Then one day, on the phone, I decided to pull the receiver away from my ear far enough so that I could hear her ranting on...but could not understand a word. I just gave her the occasional....uh huh. Best mother/daughter talk we ever had. It was an epiphany Then I started practicing zoning her out face to face. Zoning out useless banter is a WONDERFUL THING.
Try it....you'll like it.
Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 7/26/2013 (17:46)
Fitness Minutes: (55,330)
218 7/26/13 5:44 P
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mom. If you are uncomfortable bringing this up with her can you talk to your sister and tell her how you feel? Maybe she can relay this information to your mom.
Don't give up and please talk to someone soon. You are worth it. I wish I could talk to your mom myself. She should treasure each of her children and not compare them. Good luck. We are here for you!
Fitness Minutes: (14,252)
9,662 7/26/13 4:59 P
How terrible that must be. I strongly encourage you to see out counseling to deal with these issues. Rejection from a parent is the most crushing kind of rejection you can face. The parent is the one who is supposed to love unconditionally, no matter what.
Stop taking this abuse from your mother. You don't have to hear it. Next time she tries to criticize, speak up, and tell her that you don't have to listen to it. There's no easy way to say it, so a simple "Mom, I love you, but I don't want to hear you compare me to my sister anymore, or criticize my weight. Can we talk about something else, please?"
If she's not willing to do that, some distancing from her may be necessary.
And please, do seek out counseling. The feelings you have are valid, and they're not going to get better without some help.
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2,277 7/26/13 4:58 P
w0w that really sucks
One of the most important things to this process that I've found is that it's something that you really have to want to do for yourself. If the motivation is coming from an external pressure, it's not as strong (in my experience) and there's a higher chance of backsliding. This is something that you need to want to do for you and only you, no one else.
All that being said, you need to figure out a good way to handle your mother (even if it means cutting off contact when she starts being negative). A toxic relationship like the one you describe will only hurt more in the long run. A therapist would probably be the best person to talk to. Best of luck!
Fitness Minutes: (30)
11 7/26/13 4:48 P
I'am a 38 year old officer wife who has a wonderful life. I can't stand the look of my body or face because my mom is so emotionally and verbally critical of me even 12 states away. I literally throw up when I look in the mirror. I want to stick to this plan because I know how much better Iam going to feel. She compares me to my sister who is a size o. I see cellulite and fat that is not even there. My husband and daughter say that I am not that bad. It hurts my heart so much,Everyone tells me I'am a great woman except my mom.
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