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GRAVELRIDGEBOY
SparkPoints: (29,773)
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Posts: 466
12/13/12 12:46 A

Honestly you need to love yourself before others can love you...

I do not know you or your situation, just what you have said here, but you list yourself as having BPD and you seem to have a negative view about yourself. I mean that you are blaming yourself for everything. If you really are the problem then it is odd that you can see this but not try to fix it, instead it almost sounds like you both are 'butting heads' but you are taking all the blame on yourself. Remember that it takes two to be in a relationship like this.

His actions sound like he has realized that the constant breaking up is not healthy for either of you and he is trying to move on with his life. The best way to get over a break up is to find someone else to make you forget about the ex, which is what he sounds like he is doing. He is probably hurting a little also but in his mind he is doing what he feels like he needs to do to move on.

My advice to you would be to move on and close this chapter of your life, but remember it for the learning lessons it provides. You are in college now and unless you get classes with him you probably will not see much of him (provided you do not live near each other). I would focus on your studies and you are young enough that I am sure that you will catch the eye of another guy at the school there. Good Luck



BUGGULA
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Fitness Minutes: (10)
Posts: 14
12/5/12 12:14 P

Thank you everyone. I really needed some advice. Now I just need to decide if I want to be at this school anymore. I really am not enjoying myself here.



ARMSPORTS
Posts: 1,310
12/5/12 10:35 A

Have you changed or would things fall back into the same pattern again if he returned? It sounds like he just got fed up with everything and has moved on. For your own sake, you need to get your act together and get to the point where you can be in an honest, healthy, supportive and loving relationship. He may see this and come back. He may not. But by that time you will be in a better place and may have moved on yourself.

Let go and focus on yourself instead of tying your happiness to him. It may not be easy, but it will be very liberating and empowering when you get to that place.

Oh, and good luck on your finals!



RL1970
Posts: 36
12/5/12 9:49 A

It seems to me that you're in a pattern and that it's become okay for him to leave the relationship when things get rough. If you can "win" him back or not, is a tough call to make and, more than that, the pattern of leaving the relationship when things get rocky is concerning.

You need to ask yourself, If you continue a relationship with him, will he split again if things get tough again? You may need to cut your losses, continue your treatments for BPD and realize that there are others out there for you who will be more willing to stick by you.



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
12/5/12 9:26 A

My opinion: You are young, this hurts I know, but let him go.

I find this saying to be true:

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back they were always yours, if they don't, they never were."

Sappy but I see it as true.



BREWMASTERBILL
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Posts: 4,110
12/5/12 7:39 A

I've been through something similar and I got out and never looked back.

So the bad news, sounds like the guy is very likely gone or at best, it would take a lot of work to get him back. This work isn't anything you're going to able to say and there is no magic. You simply need to improve yourself. From what I've read, BPD is some pretty serious sh1t. Are you getting professional help for this? If not, that's step 1. You need professional help. This isn't a guy vs. girl thing. I'm sure he's not blameless, but maybe after you get on a path to treating this disorder, you can invite him to therapy and see if things cannot be patched up. But it will take a huge effort on your part to get things fixed.

That's my opinion.



BUGGULA
SparkPoints: (686)
Fitness Minutes: (10)
Posts: 14
12/4/12 5:18 P

Hello all,
My name is Kari and I really need some advice from men to help me understand. My boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me on Friday. We broke up over an argument-- caused by me. We have been on the rocks for some time. College has been tough on our relationship, but we fought even before college (arguments mainly caused by me). We have broken up before, but love each other more than anything and wanted to make it work so we got back together. He broke up with me two weeks ago over a similar argument, caused by me once again. He says I am controlling and stressful, all of which I know. I have Borderline Personality Disorder which is one of the biggest reasons we are on the rocks (not to mention I have a rough home life, and also lost my grandfather in January which was a huge loss for me)-- and I am trying my best to get better. I went over to his room today to truly apologize for everything I had done (not to pressure him into getting back together), but he wasn't so receptive, and felt very uncomfortable. I went because I needed answers and to relieve the guilt that was eating away at me. I am struggling to feel better and it isn't the greatest because it is finals week at college and I can't even focus. I can't stop thinking about him or missing him. I feel a lot of relief since I went over, as I got the answers I needed. When he broke up with me, he deleted me from Facebook and erased all of our pictures together off of his profile (all things he'd never done on our previous breakups). He also went out with his friends and was tagged in pictures with a girl he had met who kissed him on the cheek. I asked him about it when I saw him today (except for the going out and pictures with the girl part, I didn't really want to know for my own good) and he said that he deleted me from Facebook because he doesn't want contact with me, because I stress him out. He said that he is good at erasing people from his life, and that is what he wants to do. He said we may be able to be friends eventually after he has cooled off, and maybe get back together but can't make any promises. I am still invested in him. We were really serious and I love him very much. What should I do? I realize I need to just basically drop off the face of the earth in his world and work on myself (my disorder included). I know I need to be healthy, happy, independent, and strong again. I just want to know what I should truly do to ever be with him again. I'm refusing to give up-- I'm really stubborn, I love him, and he's who I want to spend my life with. I refuse to give up on him. I know he loves me too, he's just fed up with the b.s. What can I do to set me up to possibly win him back someday? Is that thought unrealistic? I know you are men, so I would like answers on what I should do from your perspectives. Women are often times not too good at understanding what a man truly needs and wants, and I would like to truly understand because I love him and want him to be happy. I asked him honestly if he wanted to break up because he wants to live the single life and pursue other girls but he said that isn't the reason at all-- he just wants to do what he wants, whenever he wants. How can I support him and get him back eventually? How will I be able to show him that I've changed and prove to him things will be better if he doesn't want contact with me? Thank you all for your patience and understanding. I'm sort of a mess right now and really don't know what to do. I'm in the library trying to do my schoolwork but I can't focus or think clearly. I made him a promise that I would never give up on him or us, and whenever he sees the light, he cries and thanks me so much for refusing to give up on what we have.

Edited by: BUGGULA at: 12/4/2012 (17:25)


 
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