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ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (194,421)
Fitness Minutes: (289,738)
Posts: 26,838
12/5/12 11:54 A

Hi, Kari !

It's hard to break up, but it really is the best thing you could do for yourself right now. Even though you've been with this young man for 3 years, the relationship isn't healthy. It takes two to make an argument. He may have you convinced that it's always you who starts the argument, but if he's the one who seems to take advantage of the situation as well as you. As others have already said, he's manipulating you to make it seem like you're the bad guy.

You're NOT the bad guy in this relationship. You are very young and still have a lot to experience in life. So, don't beat yourself up because this relationship has gone South. This really isn't a healthy relationship.

You WILL meet someone who WILL love and cherish you. You have to let this fellow go. If he tries to come back, don't take him back. Push him away. He's using you. You can and you will find someone better. I know it hurts right now. Breaking up always hurts. But time does heal all wounds. You will be stronger, but you must let go.

Remember, you are a worthy person who deserves someone who will love and treat you with respect.


MTNKAT SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (4,821)
Posts: 94
12/5/12 11:26 A

If you stay in a relationship that has proven to be rocky, miserable and full of fighting, then you will never have the chance to meet the one that is truly meant for you. You'll miss out on a lifetime of love, trust and companionship. It is all that they talk about....and is so much worth the wait. Give it'll see.

You are young and have so much more to live. Leave him be...there are so many others.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
12/5/12 11:16 A

I will add you keep using excuses to why you behave that way, stop it with everyone. Because something is hurting you, you don't take it out on others, you can ask for a hug or some fun time to help you through but do not make their lives miserable cause yours is at the moment. In a relationship let that person be your rock not the pebble you kick around.

Edited by: I_HEART_MY_FAM at: 12/5/2012 (11:17)
BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
Fitness Minutes: (82,255)
Posts: 2,954
12/5/12 6:46 A

Hi there

What your ex is doing is called manipulation......a form of control. I have been there done that when I was young......yes it is very painful but eventually it does pass. Drop him like a hot potato and focus on yourself. When this happened to me, it took 3 years of breakups with the guy but I learned what I would and would not accept from a partner and steered away from guys like my ex.

You have grown apart, it happens and you are on the first step of true adulthood. By your post, you have become dependant on him and lost your sense of self, of who you truly are and not "part of a couple".

I want you to know that I have been married for 23 years now to a great guy who has none of the traits the first ex boyfriend had.....

Life is a series of lessons -- this is the first step of many on your road.....

My advice -- go to your Health Centre at the university immediately and start talking to a counsellor -- it will help. Also you should be able to defer your finals due to severe emotional distress with a note from a University doctor.

Take care my friend,

BLUBEL1 Posts: 1,003
12/5/12 6:37 A

I know this hurts badly. But your focus is only on getting him back.He has told you his truth over and over. You are not hearing him.

Get into therapy now. BPD is very difficult to tray . Go to a specialist. I take it you have been to therapy before if you know your diagnosis and it was based on a mental health evaluation.

Refusing to give up on him will not work. He has free will and you cannot change anybody but yourself. Sorry, but if you don't work on yourself you will just keep repeating the cycle in every relationship.

Best wishes.

FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
12/4/12 10:45 P

Wow, sorry this is happening to you. Breakups can be very painful. You first need to step way back and give him his space. He doesn't want anything to do with you right now. Now that might change, but don't hang your hat on that.

Like others have said focus on you. Your bf mentioned things that he was unhappy with and it seemed that you didn't work on those. If they are valid then start there and change that aspect of yourself.

Also since you are here you are focused on your health and getting fit, so continue to make that a priority.

You can never change another and how they feel about you, but what you can control is how you react to this breakup. Be strong and independent and show him a new you, but do that for yourself and not for him. You are young if he is not your life partner, then you will have many more opportunities.

Best of luck!

REBCCA SparkPoints: (400,858)
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Posts: 22,663
12/4/12 10:43 P

To work on yourself I would suggest these 4 agreements by Miguel Ruiz. They are something I refer to often to stay on a healthy path;

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret

TACDGB Posts: 6,136
12/4/12 10:30 P

You need to focus on you......getting you to a better emotionally better place. If you aren't in therapy you need to be. BPD is a hard life to live for the person with it.....and also for the people who have a close personal relationship with you. I have it too so I do get it.

JANDJ4EVER SparkPoints: (531)
Fitness Minutes: (40)
Posts: 24
12/4/12 9:43 P

"The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, controlling how it's gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding part goes where they may. And wait. For the next collision."

I believe that you deserve to concentrate on you, it will be painful break ups are, but you are going to grow as a person and learn about yourself in the process. Good luck!

BUGGULA SparkPoints: (686)
Fitness Minutes: (10)
Posts: 14
12/4/12 8:09 P

Thank you everyone. It's so hard to let go. I love him. This is awful.

12/4/12 6:54 P

I agree with Luann_In_Pa, whole-heartedly

DROPCONE Posts: 1,592
12/4/12 6:30 P

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

I'm going to give you advice you don't want to hear:

Let him go. Let the relationship go. If you are in treatment for BPD, call your therapist. If you don't have a therapist, get one, so you can move forward.

Being dumped sucks. Big time! But you need to comprehend what he's actually saying and what he has done, which is to dump you and push you away, to "erase" you from his life. There is NOTHING you can do to "win him back". Not gonna happen. I'm sorry.

And if you are that easy for him to erase from his life, do you really want to be with him anyway? You deserve better. Everyone does.

Your feelings of devastation, and missing him, and inability to focus because of this loss, and your desire to meet with him for closure, are all normal experiences for someone who has just been dumped. They aren't something you feel just because of your BPD. But he's given you one meeting, and that's pretty much all you can ever expect from him. You must move on for your own sake.

I am SO sorry this happened to you. It's never easy. Best of luck.

LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 25,310
12/4/12 6:05 P

Hello Kari!

Sorry you are going through this right now.

Honestly, you are way to invested in this relationship... and he is not.

You are 18 and you say he has been your boyfriend of 3 1/2 years.
Sooo... you met when you were 14.

Sounds like you two are growing into adulthood, and that your paths are diverging. Happens all the time.
If you are meant to be, he will contact you. Until then, you should give him his space.

Focus on your studies. Focus on YOU, and on becoming a healthier person, physically, and emotionally.

BUGGULA SparkPoints: (686)
Fitness Minutes: (10)
Posts: 14
12/4/12 5:32 P

Hello all,
My name is Kari and I really need some advice. I realize this isn't really related to Sparkpeople-- although it is very much effecting my health (I haven't really eaten since friday and have barely been able to sleep). My boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me on Friday. We broke up over an argument-- caused by me. We have been on the rocks for some time. College has been tough on our relationship, but we fought even before college (arguments mainly caused by me). We have broken up before, but love each other more than anything and wanted to make it work so we got back together. He broke up with me two weeks ago over a similar argument, caused by me once again. He says I am controlling and stressful, all of which I know. I have Borderline Personality Disorder which is one of the biggest reasons we are on the rocks (not to mention I have a rough home life, and also lost my grandfather in January which was a huge loss for me)-- and I am trying my best to get better. I went over to his room today to truly apologize for everything I had done (not to pressure him into getting back together), but he wasn't so receptive, and felt very uncomfortable. I went because I needed answers and to relieve the guilt that was eating away at me. I am struggling to feel better and it isn't the greatest because it is finals week at college and I can't even focus. I can't stop thinking about him or missing him. I feel a lot of relief since I went over, as I got the answers I needed. When he broke up with me, he deleted me from Facebook and erased all of our pictures together off of his profile (all things he'd never done on our previous breakups). He also went out with his friends and was tagged in pictures with a girl he had met who kissed him on the cheek. I asked him about it when I saw him today (except for the going out and pictures with the girl part, I didn't really want to know for my own good) and he said that he deleted me from Facebook because he doesn't want contact with me, because I stress him out. He said that he is good at erasing people from his life, and that is what he wants to do. He said we may be able to be friends eventually after he has cooled off, and maybe get back together but can't make any promises. I am still invested in him. We were really serious and I love him very much. What should I do? I realize I need to just basically drop off the face of the earth in his world and work on myself (my disorder included). I know I need to be healthy, happy, independent, and strong again. I just want to know what I should truly do to ever be with him again. I'm refusing to give up-- I'm really stubborn, I love him, and he's who I want to spend my life with. I refuse to give up on him. I know he loves me too, he's just fed up with the b.s. What can I do to set me up to possibly win him back someday? Is that thought unrealistic? I would like answers on what I should do from your perspectives. I asked him honestly if he wanted to break up because he wants to live the single life and pursue other girls but he said that isn't the reason at all-- he just wants to do what he wants, whenever he wants. How can I support him and get him back eventually? How will I be able to show him that I've changed and prove to him things will be better if he doesn't want contact with me? Thank you all for your patience and understanding. I'm sort of a mess right now and really don't know what to do. I'm in the library trying to do my schoolwork but I can't focus or think clearly. I made him a promise that I would never give up on him or us, and whenever he sees the light, he cries and thanks me so much for refusing to give up on what we have. I want to get him back, he's the one for me. I just don't know how.

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