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LOVEISMUSIC24 SparkPoints: (2,335)
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2/20/14 10:38 A

Hi All,

I've been reading all of your responses. Thank you for being so kind - this has been a really tough situation and it's been messing with my head.

I haven't heard anything back from him since I sent that text yesterday morning. I am hoping that means he's embarrassed and that he won't do something negative in the long run. I am going to leave him as my reference for now. If I notice a trend of not getting jobs, it might be worth looking into. I like the idea of having someone I know call him asking for a reference to see what he says in lieu of this. I will keep that in mind.

This has definitely knocked my routine off a bit. I had to drag myself to the gym yesterday and it was a push to get through my lessons. I'm trying to take control of everything again. Thanks for the encouragement and reassurance everyone.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (148,250)
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Posts: 22,356
2/20/14 4:02 A

I think that what he did is a lot more common than people realize. You are 24 - an adult; not a young girl. He is a grown man - obviously attracted to you. He approached you via text. You responded appropriately and I think, quite kindly. I don't see how he would take umbrage. You have allowed him to maintain his dignity. I can't see that there would be problems where it comes to acting as a referee.

To me, the only thing he is guilty of is wanting to cheat on his wife.

Just my two cents' worth.
Kris



AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (66,733)
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Posts: 3,293
2/19/14 11:35 P

I tend to agree with Bunnykicks on this...if he weren't married (and you don't know the terms of his marriage) there wouldn't be anything seriously wrong with what he did. He asked the question in a light-hearted way and you made yourself clear in a way that was professional without being unkind.

I don't think that you have anything to worry about here. I would not escalate this unless you find that he gives you a bad reference (which seems unlikely) or unless he continues to pursue you.

You have nothing to forgive yourself for--you did a great job in this situation. I am also impressed by how you handled this. I would hire you any day!

Just put it out of your mind as much as possible and move forward.

LADYSTARWIND SparkPoints: (34,931)
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2/19/14 10:26 P

You did the right thing....and now, reread your 2014 Goal for yourself:

"My new promise to myself for 2014 is to forgive myself. If I have a setback, this time I won't give up or call myself a failure. Instead I'll forgive myself and keep going.

Ultimately we're all human and if we keep going when we stumble, we'll get there! Slow and steady wins the race!"

You have nothing to forgive yourself for!! Set this in the past, and move on.... All the best,
patti

MEGAPEEJ Posts: 732
2/19/14 9:48 P

I want to reiterate that you did NOTHING wrong - you handled the situation with the grace and maturity that I haven't seen out of too many 24 year olds. He sent an inappropriate text, and he's probably worried that he ruined his own future - but it's all on him.

If he DOES say something in spite, you have a pretty good case of economic harassment on your hands. Keep that text just in case.

You're right that your relationship with him will never be the same, that this will now always color your perception of him. It's not fair that he dropped this on you - but again, it's all on him. It's not about what you did or didn't do to "make" him think anything (think about it - can anyone make you think anything? You have control over your own thoughts, right?), this was his goof. You'll be ok.

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
2/19/14 7:07 P

Except for being married (to which he owes an explanation to his wife), he really didn't do anything terribly wrong to this girl. She handled it well, like the adult she is.

If she finds out he is now giving out a bad recommendation (after this), then I think she ought to go to the school and complain.



BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,355
2/19/14 6:47 P

Doesn't belong in the education field? Why not? She is 24, not 16, and no "personal relationship" enquiries were made of her at any time while she was interning, nor as a condition of providing a reference.

I don't know.. I mean, I feel like he should have "known better" than to imagine a 24-year-old former intern was going to be interested in his 40-something married self. But I don't consider "I kind of developed a crush on you... any chance you felt the same?" to be terribly scandalous. How he reacts to the rejection will demonstrate whether he is decent/professional or creepy/worthy of reporting to his boss.

DIANE7786 SparkPoints: (84,242)
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2/19/14 6:20 P

I'm sorry that the guy waited to show you the creepy side of his personality. He doesn't belong in the education field. I absolutely would take the texts to the head of his school, not the department head. This is an opportunity to help women who are not as strong as you are and are intimidated to "feel the same" because they need a job.



EELPIE Posts: 2,700
2/19/14 5:53 P

If you are really concerned you could always have a friend or family member do a reference check for you, as in have them pose as someone calling for a reference (another nanny gig or what have you) and see what he has to say.

BRILLIANT!!!

1DERFULLLIFE SparkPoints: (220)
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2/19/14 4:51 P

Loveismusic24 I am going to guess he had that "oh crap" moment when he sent the text knowing he stepped over a line, you handled yourself professionally and maturely and I don't think his lack of response is probably anything but feeling like a dope for texting it in the first place.
If you are really concerned you could always have a friend or family member do a reference check for you, as in have them pose as someone calling for a reference (another nanny gig or what have you) and see what he has to say.
You far from ruined your future. Good luck!


EELPIE Posts: 2,700
2/19/14 1:24 P

My phone has a feature where you can lock texts. Lock it. I use Handcent for texting - you can even save a text to the server so it never gets lost.

Anyway, you really did the right thing. And no, you didn't do anything wrong. For all you know, he has a history of doing this to young women.

Take him off of your resume, but continue to use the letter if possible? Otherwise, let him stay on...think about it; he sent you that text...he's gotta know there are chances that you would save it.

You are probably an amazing teacher, just as he said. Don't let one creeper ruin your self- esteem!!!

Edited by: EELPIE at: 2/19/2014 (17:52)
BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,355
2/19/14 12:28 P

I thought your reply was awesome. It made your position very clear, no mixed-messages - and also gave him the option of retreating with some dignity. This could have gone very, very badly for HIM, moreso than for YOU - and he probably realizes this. So if I were him, I'd be rather grateful that you declined in a way that allowed me to quietly back off, "no harm done in asking."

IF he turns out to be a real creepo that doesn't take kindly to a "no" and/or begins acting in bad faith as a reference, well, you just take him off your list of references. And if you need to take stronger action for any reason, you have those texts as proof of who-said-what-to-whom. So. You're covered in all respects.

Yeah, I know it can feel creepy to realize you've unknowningly been the object of someone's crush, especially when you would perceive a relationship with them as weird or inappropriate. But don't let it weigh on your mind too much.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (66,733)
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2/19/14 12:17 P

I think that your reply was great, You absolutely said/dd the right thing.

I would not worry too much. My guess is that he is still likely to give you very good recommendations.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (147,586)
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2/19/14 11:01 A

LOVEISMUSIC24,

I can assure you that you did not ruin your future yesterday. You did the right thing by letting your teacher know that you felt uncomfortable with his comments. If he doesn't reply, that doesn't mean he's not going to give you job recommendations. Put that thought out of your head. If he's the decent person you say he was while he mentored you, he'll do the right thing. Yeah, he said some things that were a little shocking. BUT, he didn't act on those impulses.

I think at some point, all of us had a crush on a teacher in our lives. Do some teacher/students have improper relationships ? Yes, it happens all the time. But, it didn't happen to you and your teacher. That's why you can't beat yourself up over his comments.

Some things were said, but it's time to move on and not worry about whether or not you'll have his recommedation or not. You do still have your other teacher as an endorsement. I'm sure you have plenty of other resources too. That's why you need to put this behind you. Nothing happened between you, it was just a text conversation, nothing more.

try to relax

Now speaking honestly about teaching positions for a moment, getting a job as a teacher is not easy. I have several friends who are teachers. it's a tough market especially for teachers of music or art. Unfortunately, too many schools have cut those programs to save money. That means there are fewer jobs for qualified teachers. You're going to have a lot of competition. It really could take a while to find a position and that is NOT a reflection on you or your education. That's just the way the economy is.

One thing to do is go online and find out where the teaching jobs are. If teaching music is your passion, then you need to find out where (what state) those jobs are. Some states do have better educational opportunities than others. So, you may find that if you want to teach music, you might have to move to a place that has good job opportunities.






LEC358 SparkPoints: (10,367)
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2/19/14 10:39 A

Your response was absolutely correct and since he was dumb enough to actually put this in written form, save the text messages in case you need to prove that he retaliated, but my guess is he probably won't. Bringing up the texts to the department head (?) where you taught might be a good idea, but it's going to do nothing for the resumes you already sent out. I'd use the other teacher as your reference from now on, or even say "References supplied upon request" on your resume rather than giving the contact info right there. I did that anyway so I could give my references a heads up when a company let me know they were going to contact references.

It'd probably also be a good idea to take this whole scenario to a lawyer who specializes in employment law to make sure you're not missing anything.

WHOLENEWME79 Posts: 948
2/19/14 9:54 A

I went through something very similar to this when I graduated with my first degree.

YOU did not do anything. It is all him. It is hard to not blame yourself, but try your very best not to. You did not wear the wrong things, or say the wrong things. It sounds like you were professional. He, however, is not.

When I went through this, I did two things. First, I did end up taking off the name of the creeper from my resume as a reference (I had to ask someone else to take the place), but I left the business name on my resume with the site coordinator as the contact rather than the creeper. Second, I sent the email he sent me to my site coordinator and reported it as harassment. Because that is what it was, and I figured that he probably was inappropriate with other students, as well.

I don't know if it hurt my chances at getting a job, in the end. To stay as far away from that place as possible, I took a job on the other side of town. Much less convenient, but I am glad I made that choice.

I might suggest talking to a professional about this. My situation was a little different, but I did do that and am glad I did.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

LOVEISMUSIC24 SparkPoints: (2,335)
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Posts: 61
2/19/14 9:28 A

So this isn't about weight loss. This is something more personal that happened yesterday. Just a bit of background... After a semester long full-time internship in two different schools under the supervision of two different teachers/mentors, I successfully completed my BA in Music Education and graduated my program in December.

So as I said, last semester September-December I was doing a full time internship under two different teachers as the last stage of my program. I finished everything in December and have since been looking for my first teaching job.

I've kept in touch with the teachers I taught under but so far have not had any luck with finding a job. In an effort to earn some extra money, I signed on Care.com to find babysitting gigs. I got one who wanted to follow up with my references so I gave her the number of one of the teacher's I worked with. She wound up hiring me and told me the teacher had excellent things to say about me... I made a mental note to thank the teacher but forgot about it.

So yesterday I'm at the gym, running on the treadmill and the teacher texts me to ask if I got the babysitting job. It seemed like a normal conversation he asked how my job search was going, I asked how the students were doing, and then he said something like "I have to admit I miss having you around" and I said something like, "yeah it was fun hanging out with you and the kids" and he wrote back "I have to confess I developed a bit of a crush on you while you were here."

I almost fell off the treadmill. I got so upset I completely forgot about dieting and exercising. I'm 24 and he's got to be in his mid forties. I know for a fact he's married with children and this was a total shock. I mean sure, I spent a lot of time around him because of the internship but I always felt everything was very professional. We occasionally chatted about family and students but it never really got any more personal than that. He then sent subsequent texts asking if I felt the same about him, when I didn't answer he tried to call me three times.

I had a hard time deciding what to say but I finally texted him this - "Hi - sorry for the delay. I'm really not comfortable with some of the things you said to me yesterday. I absolutely respect you as a teacher and mentor but nothing more. I hope you can respect that I'd really like things to remain on a professional level between us."

It's been three hours and he hasn't said anything back. He's been my reference on every job application I've sent out so far and I am completely freaking out that now he might take this in spite and say something negative about me to potential hiring schools. I'm freaked out I ruined my future. I wonder if I'm really as good as a teacher as he made me seem in his recommendation letter. I wonder if I should have been allowed to graduate.

I don't want to work out, I don't want to eat anything. I don't know what to do about this. Even if I take him off my reference list, schools are still going to want to know where I student taught. There's no erasing this. I have no idea how this happened. I can't see how I ever gave off any impression I'd be interested in something like that... I'm absolutely overwhelmed with stress about this. Opinions please....

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