Husband and I Fighting

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8/8/11 9:45 P

Posts: 298
8/8/11 7:30 P

I read your updates, and I'm so glad the two of you were able to have a good conversation! I think I'd consider laying some groundrules, like we can be mad at eachother, but we can't call names or threaten. Saying "It drives me insane when you do x" is communicating. Saying 'I can see why your first husband left you' is abusive.

Posts: 298
8/8/11 7:24 P

Wow, I don't really have advice to give. You must be hurting so much.

I will say this though. Respect is important. In my opinion, it's more important than love, and it's the foundation for lasting love.

I'd be very uncomfortable having kids with someone who doesn't understand that you sacrifice a lot (money, time, gas etc) for them...not to spoil them, but to support them.

I truly wish all the best for you and hope this sorts itself out soon. Take care!

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8/8/11 2:42 P

To be blunt, change the locks and get a lawyer. You don't have a husband, you have a bad roommate. He obviously doesn't like your kids, and teenagers have enough problems without that in the house.

To quote the advice columnist, are you better off without him? I have to think yes.

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8/8/11 10:04 A

I am a mom and step mom too and our accounts are separated. I pay for everything that involves the kids, all the utilities with the exception of the phone and I think that it is not fair and I get upset and angry too. He banks his money and I have to spend mine. I sometimes feel like we are more room mates than anything. I have been a single mom for 10 years prior to my marriage and I know that if I had to I could do it again. Keep strong and if he is not willing to work on things you will be fine on your own. Forget the statistic thing! You need to do what is right for you and the kids. Our accounts are separated but he does help in the home, helps with the kids and I have been talking to him about things not being fair financially. He has made small changes and has said that he will pay the hydro and he gave me some money last night because I went shopping at the mall. I was shocked..You are not alone and if you ever want to talk drop me a line.

Posts: 263
8/8/11 9:26 A

So glad to hear things have improved! I am sure he is in shock with the instant family scenario. I guess it all comes down to compromise. I just don't want you to be the only one compromising! Keep us posted and know that everyone here has a story! We've all been through something and I have found people to be very non-judgmental on Sparkpeople! Great job on your weight loss by the way!

Posts: 32
8/5/11 6:20 P

Thanks for asking about an update - that was so sweet. I am still getting used to all of this - people are so nice and welcoming here. Yes, my husband came home and did not go to the motel. We talked a bit and came to a mutual understanding - at least for now. He said he is really trying hard it is just that coming from being responsible for himself his whole life to an instant family of 5 is hard. I do understand that and will give him props. He says he doesn't want to give up on this and will do what is necessary to fix it. I will too - I will stand up for myself and my kids - I have made it before on my own with them and I can do it again if need be. With that said, I believe in vows and take them seriously and will do whatever is in my power to make this marriage, this family, work. Thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement and support. I just love SparkPeople! It has given me the confidence to hold my head high and smile once again!

Posts: 263
8/5/11 10:39 A

SHANNONB,
Do you have an update? I thought about you last night and just wanted to check in this morning and see if things were any better! Hugs to you!!

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8/4/11 5:36 P

Remember, there are always 3 sides of a story - yours, his and the truth.

I agree that a few days apart, and maybe some marriage counselling if you can, would be a real help for you both.
I know you don't want to be divorced again, but a marriage takes 2 people - plus you have your kids to consider. You can't make him the right man for you and your kids.

Good luck with the next few weeks.

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8/4/11 5:25 P

I am both a parent AND a step parent...it is SUPER hard...sometimes I want to scream and cry like a little girl! That being said what it looks like to me is not a step-parenting issue it is an abuse issue...the fact that he screams in your face and says that you are pathetic is abusive...I never recommend divorce but your kids seeing you being treated this way is not good...it is not ok for someone to treat another person with disrespect and be abusive to them...your kids are at VERY impressionable ages and for them to see a man who, for all intents and purposes, doesn't like them and doesn't want anything to do with them is harmful to their self-esteem...I say this because it happened to me...my step father was horribly abusive to my mother (verbally and emotionally)...I remember many nights sitting at the top of the steps listening to them say horrible hurtful things to each other...because of that I sometimes react to my husband's NORMAL treatment of my son in an angry aggressive way ...all because of how I was treated...my mom stayed with my step dad for 18 years...don't do that to your kids...if he is unwilling to change and unwilling to be a FULL participant in your family GET OUT...if you are ashamed, don't be...if you are afraid of taking it all on yourself don't be...you are already doing it all alone...you are just carrying HIM with you...You are a WHOLE, COMPLETE, INTELLIGENT, LOVING woman ( I can tell this from your post!!!) ...you don't deserve to be treated this way...you didn't deserve for your ex to cheat on you ( no matter WHAT was going on in your marriage)....hang in there...and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me....

Posts: 263
8/4/11 1:16 P

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I agree with HELIDOC, it sounds like he is just completely hiding out from any responsibility in this relationship. He won't pay for anything to do with the kids? Are you kidding me? And you are expected to pay for them and half of the other bills. No, no, no. Tell him he needs a roommate, not a wife. If he refuses to go to counseling, give him his walking papers. Easier said than done, but why waste any more time on a man who actually TELLS you that "he effing hates you".??? Mad or not, that is abusive. DO NOT blame yourself for nagging or arguing back, etc. That's a far cry from the things he says and then to pack his bags and leave...adios amigo! It's not like you'll have a big financial shock if you leave him. You're practically paying for everything now. Don't get me wrong, I know this is not easy.....it's a very, very tough position to be in (been there twice myself), but some things are deal breakers....and he's crossed the line on at least 2 things I know of.

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8/4/11 9:09 A

I can say without a doubt that being a step parent is one of the most difficult things I have ever taken on in my life. Depending on how involved your ex is with your kids that would also factor into it. That being said, there is absolutely no reason what so ever for him treating you, or your kids, the way he has. He married a family not an individual. At least as I see it that is the way it should be. The separate accounts, the not being involved with the kids is just a cop out for not being fully involved with the relationship. Almost sounds to me like he didn't know what he was getting into, didn't look at the full picture or flat out only cares for himself. I know for myself it took a while to get into a groove with the kids and my place with the family, though I viewed it as not only getting married to their mother but to them as well, it has been a blessing to my life for over 20 years.

I would go to counseling if he is willing, if he isn't cut the strings no need to expose your family to that type of behavior. Hate to sound harsh but you need to protect you and your family.

Edited by: HELIDOC65 at: 8/4/2011 (09:10)

Posts: 32
8/3/11 2:01 P

Thank you all so much for responding. This is my first time asking for help and posting to this Panic thread. I so appreciate your willingness to help someone you don't even know. We have actually been to counseling before - I have made appointments and he has been a few times but on most occasions he cancels the appts. and refuses to attend.

I will take all of your advice. First, I will hand it over to God and if my husband stays in a motel for a few nights, that is his choice, not mine. I will apologize for any role I played but I will stand up for myself and my children and not get bullied or taken advantage off. I will not allow him to yell at me in my face, cuss at me, or call me names. I will walk away and leave the sitation. I will leave the house and take the kids with me. If he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, he will have to pay the price. I may be guilty at times of continuing the argument as he puts it but I am not guilty of starting it, calling him names, threatening him, or packing my bags, etc. I think the reason I continue it at times is my way of standing up for myself. At some point, I just lash right back. A person can only take so much. But I have never threatened to leave or say things like "I made a mistake marrying you" "I hate you" or better yet - I once heard this "I see why your first husband cheated on you." "Your're pathetic". He claims he only says those things because he is mad and he doesn't mean them that it is my fault if I wasn't a nag he wouldn't have to say them but I don't buy it. I don't think a man should ever say those things to his wife.

Oh well, I just wanted to say thank you all for helping me. I will hold my head high today and enjoy the day with my kids. Come what may.

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8/3/11 1:11 P

YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THIS! You're not another statistic, and you will know the right thing to do! Remember to take care of yourself--you are just as important as your children! If your husband is not willing to be a partner in your life, then maybe you'd be better off without him. He needs to take responsibility for his role in the life HE CHOSE! He chose to marry a woman with children! He chose to become a step dad! He chose to become a part of a family, and needs to take responsibility for all of those choices. He needs to realize that things don't always go the way you want them to, and when that happens, you don't throw things out the window, you work to find a solution.

Posts: 132
8/3/11 12:51 P

sending you lots of hugs and I am very you are having to deal with this. I agree that professional help is a great idea and probably some family counseling. They will also be able to help with the money situation which is a huge issue for you and him. I will be praying for you and him and your children. I have had some of the same issues with my 2nd husband because I have a teenage daughter and a stubborn 9 year old.

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8/3/11 12:16 P

Shannon, you're in a difficult situation. For the time being, maybe it would be good if he stayed a motel for a few days, just to let things settle down a bit.

Would he be willing to talk to a marriage counselor ? It sounds like you could use a mediator. Taking care of teenagers is not an easy thing and being a step parent doesn't make it any easier. It's hard on the kids and it's hard on him because he's not sure what his position should be. At least, he wants to be dad, but he thinks that being dad is all about being an authority figure. It's not. Being a good dad is all about some give and take. Compromise is vital for a health relationship. Right now, he seems to be thinking "my way or the highway".

What to do ? Let him have his space and when he gets back, ask him if he'd be willing to seek professional help. A mediator can help negotiate boundaries. Because you really shouldn't be expected to shoulder the entire burden of taking care of the family.

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8/3/11 12:00 P

Background - this is my secong marriage and I have 3 teenagers ages 13, almost 16, and 17. I have a good job and get a solid amount every month in child support. This is my 2nd marriage. My previous marriage lasted almost 15 years but due to his unfaithfulness, ended in divorce. My husband and I (his first marriage - his is 44, I am 38) have been married for 2 1/2 years and when we got married, he said he wanted a family and knew what was involved. Now, after nearly 3 years, he says it is too much for him. Since he doesn't agree with how I parent (taking the kids places, giving them rides (wasting gas) he doesn't feel his hard earned money should go to support that. He feels if they don't listen to him 100% then he won't waste his time. For example, if he tells one to clean their room and they (being a teenager) didn't do it to his specifications then he considers that as "they know I am not their dad and don't have to listen to me" so he claims he don't like his money being spent on them when he don't agree with how I parent.

So...reluctantly, I agreed to separate accounts. I do not think this is how a marriage should run. I receive a $1000 a month in child support and have a good job making more money than he does but how he split the bills and all, I pay for double the groceries than he does (I pay for everything for the kids), half the house, electric, household bills, the vehicle we bought together for me to drive which is $663 a month, half the travel trailer, kids school clothes, sports, etc. At the end of the month, my husband has way more left over than I do because I have to divide mine by the 4 of us, me and the 3 kids and he husband's money is all for him. He won't take the kids anywhere - no rides at all - "ask your mom, that is her job".

Last night I got the mail and the water bill was there. It was a double bill - not sure why. I paid it last month but they said there was a mistake and we owed for two months. Long story short, my husband got upset. I told him we would just split it like we do all other bills. He kept complaining asking why he should have to pay last months portion of the bill - I should have to pay for that - he should only have to pay for half of this month's bill. He asked me why I didn't pay it last month since we just started spliting the accounts this month. I told him I paid the bill that came that it was the water company's error. He didn't believe me and asked if I was juggling the bills or what. Really? Then he didn't understand why I was upset and as we began to argue, he got really upset. To make a long story shorter, we were both at fault for arguing. I keep it going because I want to solve it and I feel he bullies me by getting in my face and he says I am a nag. He yells and cusses at me and he said he "f"in hated me. I cried and cried and he continued to say I am completely at fault that if I wasn't a nag he wouldn't have to yell and cuss at me. I said I would take half the blame and apologize for "nagging" but he had to man up to his responsibilities for calling me names and cussing and yelling like he does. He refused and packed his bags.

He went to work today and claims he is getting a motel after work and maybe I will see him on Friday evening when he gets off. I don't want another divorce but I am beginning to wonder if it is worth it. I don't think it is ok to yell and cuss like that and get in my face - when I yell back or stand face to face with him to let him know I will not let him bully me like that, he says I am the same way. I just don't want to cower down to him. I am at a point I don't know what to do. I never wanted to be a statistic. Help!