thanks everyone. I saw him this morning. To my surprise, he said I looked good. He commented that I no longer had a grande booty. I guess I've always been one to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I was also prepared to give him a big hug, no matter what. He is a good friend.
And would you be hurt if he didn't say something? You seem to be expecting the worst and unfortunately that is what you will get. Maybe he won't say anything. Maybe he will just smile and give you a hug. If he does say something, brush it off. You seem to know him pretty well.
Fitness Minutes: (76,885)
2,953 3/27/13 6:56 A
I agree with GF. Yet I am a sarcastic person and my reply would be " Really? and how is that Relevant to the conversation?"
Edited by: BLUENOSE63 at: 3/27/2013 (06:56)
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6,893 3/26/13 11:26 P
If he insults you, walk away!!!
Fitness Minutes: (28,686)
1,988 3/26/13 11:21 P
Ugh. Hopefully he will be so busy chatting everyone and he won't bring it up. I generally like employing humor if possible. KJ's answers are hilarious, and I love that a guy (KJ) came up w/ them. If he's basically a harmless knucklehead, try that.
On the flip side, people freak sometimes under the weight of uncomfortable silence.
Depending on the dynamics of the situation (in a crowd vs alone, etc), and how *nasty* he is being, you could just try looking at him straight in the eye w/o saying a word. Hold his gaze for long enough time to see him squirm, then look away while becoming busy w/ something else, change the topic, etc.
If you do that, he basically fails at getting a rise out of you and his jerky words are left hanging in the air.
Hopefully it will be pleasant and you won't need to do any of this!
I'm telling you like I tell my 6 year twins... Tell that person "that's not nice" and walk away because you don't deserve to be around people who are mean.
Look him in the eye and don't crack a smile... he should see the error in his ways without you having to say much else.
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205 3/26/13 10:31 P
I agree with glitterfairy on this one. I'd just be honest with him about how it makes me feel.
When I was a kid I used to tease my dad about being bald, because a) I didn't think it was a big deal or something to feel bad about and b) I had no idea it bothered him. I just never saw him as someone who really cared that much about such things.
One day he responded with a cruel comment about my weight and a "how'd that make you feel" comment.
It worked in the sense that I never made fun of him being bald again, but I've never forgotten it or how bad it made me feel that he intentionally hurt my feelings that way. Simply telling me that it bothered him would have accomplished the same goal of stopping the behavior without the nastiness. I guess he was assuming that I realized it was hurtful and was doing it on purpose.
So I guess if your goal with the person is to get revenge for making you feel bad, then fire with fire makes sense, but if it is simply to make them stop, then I think being honest is a better route.
thanks Prairie, I believe I deserve better, too. Often people who haven't struggled with weight all their life do not understand. He's one of those kind of men who don't care what HE looks like, as long as he still gets the ladies. He pays for them, if you know what I mean.
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157 3/26/13 3:36 P
Why put up with this? You deserve to be treated with respect. Life is about choices ... don't choose to allow negative people be a part of your life. His age and ethnicity is no excuse for rude behavior. Tell him once and for all that his remarks are hurtful. If he doesn't understand, or as I suspect, doesn't care ... then cut the ties with this person. You deserve better from friends and co-workers, past and present.
Fitness Minutes: (21,777)
359 3/26/13 3:24 P
1. Say there's more to love
2. I'm sorry you feel that way. and then say nothing else.
@KJ, lol! I liked the one about the retirement home. Just to let you guys know, he's 70 years old, lives in Costa Rica, and he's 100% Greek. They speak spanish in Costa Rica. I don't think he really does mean to be hurtful, but he loves the ladies, and cannot stand to see me with some meat on my bones.
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1,427 3/26/13 2:34 P
Maybe just say a word or two to make a point. If he calls you "gordo," maybe just respond with, "ouch." My weight has majorly yo-yo'd over the years, so I can relate! Hang in there, you're beautiful!
I'm guessing he speaks Spanish and you don't? This might just be a cultural misunderstanding. If he's a native Spanish-speaker, "flaca" and "gorda" aren't the same as "skinny" and "fat." In Spanish, especially among older people, those words are just like "sweetie" or "pal." In some areas, you call your best friend or your sweetheart "mi gordo/a" regardless of how much they weigh, and "mi flaco/a" is the person you get into mischief with, and/or the person you know will always stand by you. And it's also perfectly normal to greet someone you haven't seen in a while with "Estás gorda!" or "Estás flaca!" (You've gained weight or you've lost weight.) There's no judgment implied; it's just a way of showing that you notice how they've changed.
I'm not saying that's what's going on here; the guy might actually be a jerk. But if he's usually kind to you and this seems out of character, it could very well be that he honestly doesn't realize there's anything offensive in what he's saying. You can either talk to him about it and explain that you know he doesn't mean anything by it but it still hurts your feelings (and is inappropriate in the workplace), or you can just say "Gracias."
In fact, that last might just be a good way to handle it whether you think he's doing it on purpose or not. If he is trying to offend you, he'll take it as sarcasm and a sign that you're not going to play the game.
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155 3/26/13 1:37 P
Great thought provoking comments here. May I add another? Humor at someone elses expense is never acceptable. Making you the butt of my joke... hurts you. Making ME the butt of my joke - hurts me. So maybe say that in the best way you can. Tell him something positive and honest about him... maybe you are glad to see him... enjoy something about him. Then tell him that someone has made you the object of cruel humor and how you realize that it hurts. I don't know... there is a better way to state this than I am saying... but to allow him in on the fact that you are finished or find humor that hurts... you or anyone else... NOT FUNNY or fun to be around. Weight is not funny when it is YOUR struggle. You probably have a terrific way to state all this. My thoughts today are coming out a bit jumbled. But I know you will understand my point. Good Luck!
Fitness Minutes: (11,285)
3,116 3/26/13 1:36 P
I am the kind of person who will try to make a remark that is not hurtful, but to the point. For example, someone just came into my office, looked at me and said, "oh, you're not so and so" I said: "I am glad you noticed, so and so has not had this office for 6 years now." So when the person says" oh, you have gained weight" I would say: "good, I am glad you noticed and pointed it out to me."
With some people nice doesn't work. Now you mentioned you got after him once already when he talked about your husband so he should know to think before he talks off color with you. Nice does not always work, you need to strike back then he might stop, some don't learn after that either, but choose to get mad after you put them in their place. I choose the ladder part then to be a punching bag.
Sometimes biting our tongues is not a good idea. There's a time and a place to be bold, and a time and a place for restraint. I think even though he loves you as a friend, he may just be absolutely clueless, which is why-not telling him off-but telling him how you feel, is probably the best route to take.
Although these kind of comments and unwanted attention are undesirable and uncomfortable and just downright annoying...
Before deciding to "fight fire with fire" (i.e. making a similarly-personal-critique back at him to make him feel the way he makes you feel) - try to consider the motivation behind what he is saying. Does he do this to be intentionally hurtful? Or is it just part of his personality, to be "blunt."? Does he say it judgementally, "Gorda, tsk tsk!" and "Flaka, very nice!" or is it more of a matter-of-fact observational/conversational remark? Similarly to how one might greet a co-worker that had a tendency to change their hair a lot "oh, brunette this time!' "aha, blonde again!" "wow, pink!"
If you have a poor relationship with this person and conclude that he is a misery-invoking intentionally-rude or socially-clueless oaf, then, fire away.
If you have a good relationship with this person other than for this one point of conversational boundary-crossing, consider other possible approaches. For example - beat him to the punch. Before he has time to say a word, greet him with open arms and a cheery, Gorda! I know! Ha ha ha! Then quickly move on past this ritual of "noting your weight" and enjoy the rest of the visit.
Knowing very little of the individual and the situation, I tend to think he probably doesn't mean it hurtfully and likely doesn't realize it is. It may or may not be worth the effort to try and "enlighten and educate" him.
thanks you guys. From my past experience, if I tell someone off, I feel worse for some reason. Like before, he said something negative about my husband, and I went off on him. He said a little while later, "Amy, I'm sorry, you know I love you! I'm so sorry" Maybe I just need to take that same approach, because he's never said anything about him again after that.
He sounds like someone I know. You just tell him that it really is NONE of his business how much you weigh and whether or not you've lost or gained. Also, tell him that you would appreciate it if from now on, he refrain from commenting on your weight, as it is really rude, unprofessional, and annoying to boot. Simple as that.
Fitness Minutes: (1,996)
746 3/26/13 11:31 A
Pick on a quality that he struggles with and then ask him up front how it feels. Tell him that's how he makes you feel. Or be the bigger person and just tell him it hurts your feelings when you struggle with this in your daily life when he isn't there to see it. If you are good friends, hopefully he will understand and offer you some support and help with accountability as well as lifting you up.
I like your answer "Tell him, yes I know I've gained weight, but you got uglier!" and then just laugh off his remarks.. You know in your heart what you must do and you must loose weight on your terms by choosing the life style that is best for you at your pace... You are a wonderful person - God made you....
Ok, here goes: A retired co-worker is coming to visit tomorrow. He comes twice a year and always has to remark whether or not I'm fat or skinny. Flaka or Gordo. This time around I have gained weight and lost weight(yo-yo) thanks to being a junk food addict, but I have gained more than I have lost, so to him it will look like I've just gained. I really shouldn't care what he thinks, but I'm anticipating him making some remark, and it's usually a rude remark. What should I do? Tell him, yes I know I've gained weight, but you got uglier!
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