I think you just have to set some boundaries and try to stay out of her way. Hope you can keep a positive attitude until it's finally time to leave.
Fitness Minutes: (31,163)
1,892 12/17/13 1:14 A
No real advice from me as I lost my mom when I was 5. Never found her again.....sorry lame joke. All I can say is enjoy her while you can. With any luck you will still have this issue for another 30 years!
there are always going to be times and places where you slip back into old roles with people. it just happens sometimes. in your situation it could be that your mother is worried about your impending move and she's trying to make herself indispensable in your life. in other words she knows that you don't need her but she's trying to get you as close as possible in the only way she knows how. your mother could also be getting a little confused. it's not one of those direct link things, but it can be a little piece of a bigger picture that needs to paid attention to. tone of voice is also very important. if i hear my mother's voice reading this example i can just hear it dripping with sarcasm. how synced up are you with your mom's sense of humor? would you notice if that was her original intent? is there a chance that there is something else going on in your mom's life that is stressing her out and distracting her to the point where she's getting in these little jabs/overreactions at you? you could try having a sit down with your mom and discussing these things. the problem sounds like it might be finding a time to do so when you both aren't acting like it's 25 years ago. getting out of that familiar set of reactions can be difficult.
Fitness Minutes: (172,321)
11,681 12/16/13 4:51 P
I love what OnlyZombieCat said! I agree with that. Maybe you can't change almost 41 years of behavior but I think you should let her know how you feel. It maybe help build the relationship! Personally, I think grinning and bearing it just builds anger and frustration.
My husband has had to have similar conversations with his own mother. I know it's not easy but sometimes, it has to be done.
I don't know if you will change it if that has been her attitude toward you for your entire adult life.
You might say "I really appreciate you letting me stay here and I would like us living together for these couple of months before I move away to be a positive experience. If we need to agree to some house rules then let us do that. I feel like you don't respect me when you tell me what to do or how to do simple things. I will do some things differently than you do. I am almost 41 years old. If something I do irritates you I would like it if you could talk with me about it in a polite and respectful way."
You're not going to be able to change a pattern of behavior that's been going on for over 40 years.
Fitness Minutes: (89,211)
11,887 12/16/13 11:01 A
Ditto on my Mom, she is in 80's me in my late 50's and she still tells me what to do. How to dress, what to eat and she thinks I go to bed to early and get up too early. Whenever she gets in my business I just give her an exagerated yes mama back and she usually gets that I'm peeved and stops.
Hahaha! I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem. I'm in my mid-50's and my mom is in her mid-80's and she still finds it necessary to tell me how I should be running my life and frequently tells me about the way things are, when I'm way ahead of her. Also annoying, is that I am a retired RN, but when my mother has a medical problem, she will never believe what I have to tell her, but instead will call her "insurance nurse on call" and then call me back to tell me what she said and how she will follow her advice. ERRRR!!! I've learned to just let her say what she wants to say, hang up the phone, and move on and not give it another thought.
I was a semi-helicopter mom to my kids too, and I DO catch myself telling the kids what to do, too. Keeping in mind what we all think about this subject, I will have to try harder not to treat them like kids who know nothing. I would like them to continue to be my friends. :-)
Fitness Minutes: (6,854)
519 12/16/13 8:57 A
I had this same problem with my parents.
Because I never had children, my parents looked upon me as some kind of overaged teenager. I really can' advise you on what to do with your mother, I can only tell you what I did to change my relationship with my parents.
First, I set some ground rules for our new adult relationship. I told them they were not allowed to speak to me like a child or a teen. If they had something to say, they said it to me as though I were any other adult they came in contact with.
Next, I told them there were subjects, such as my love life, that were completely off limits. They did NOT get an opinion as to who I dated, when I dated, what kind of job I had, how much money I spent or what I spent it on. Also, they did not have any say in how I spent my "off" time. If I wanted to go to the beach on my day off instead of mowing the lawn, that was not their concern.
I'm sure your mother is glad to have the company at here house, but it is HER house. You may just have to bite the bullet and choose your battles wisely.
Fitness Minutes: (72,473)
3,510 12/16/13 8:52 A
I think you have to grin and bear it until you can move out, unfortunately.
My mother does the same thing to me, in my OWN HOME! I'm 34, married, with a baby on the way. We own a house AND a rental property. Yet she still must correct me on every little thing I do. I won't stand for it in my own house and I will let her know that she needs to back off.
If I were staying with her, however, I would probably just have to take it. It's her house and she makes the rules. I think it's really hard to change that parent/child dynamic and if someone is going to change, they have to want to change. I don't think it would hurt to tell her how you feel, outside of a moment when she's criticizing you.
I am about two months away from turning 41. I have temporarily moved back in with my Mom before moving to a different state. I offered to pay rent, but she refused, so I am doing other things such as a full remodel of her bathroom/kitchen and things around the house that have needed to be done.
The problem is she still can talk to me and treat me like a child.
An example, this morning during breakfast, I was putting down a plate and it slipped from my hand. She said, "I need to tell you this, as only a mother can teach their child these things - do not slam plates when you put them down."
I replied, "I didn't slam it down, it slipped from my hand."
Her response, "Don't talk back! Just say 'Ok'."
I said, "I'm 40 years old, why do you still talk to me like I'm 4?" She sarcastically replied, "What do you want me to say, 'M'am, will you please..." I said no, I just want you to talk to me like an adult. I don't go to another adult and tell them, "Don't talk back!!" Apparently that was more "talk back" that she didn't like, and now she's mad and walking around with attitude (talk about acting like a kid).
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