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How long to help someone before giving up?



 
 
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HAPPYMENOW58
Posts: 2,264
4/29/13 12:55 P

This is a tough one! I do see what the last poster was saying....but if the person WAS ready to give up...He/She wouldn't be talking about it....It sounds like there is still hope! That is the bleeding heart in me!! As long as it doesn't drive you crazy or bring YOU down too much...Keep on trying to help....Maybe just not as much.....Change the subject on the days it irritates you,etc.....Sometimes we need to hang in there for our friends/families when they are in times of difficulty....Just another thought!! emoticon Good luck! emoticon



WHOLENEWME79
Posts: 937
4/29/13 12:12 P

I am going to disagree with the posters. If the person were actually taking steps to change, then I'd say keep at it. As it stands, it sounds like you are making all the effort for them without them doing much of anything. If it is impacting your relationship, if you start to feel bad or guilty because of the lack of success and their lack of effort, it is time to let it go.

The biggest thing is, people have to WANT to change. Until they are willing to put forth some effort, until they are willing to try, even if it is just a little bit, they will never change.

In my counselling office, we talk about 'emotional vampires'. Those are people who beg for help, ask for help, praise your assistance.... But do absolutely NOTHING to help themselves. They are the people who expect something to make them change, but are not willing to make the change happen for themselves. This is draining on the person who wants to assist, and can sometimes cause the helper to feel depressed or anxious. It has destroyed many relationships.

So, think about it. You can keep trying- There is nothing wrong with that. But if they aren't changing... It isn't you. It's them. You can't force them to change unless they are willing to do it for themselves.

Best of luck.



VIRGOGURL4
SparkPoints: (43,261)
Fitness Minutes: (73,627)
Posts: 1,424
4/29/13 12:11 P

I agree that you should never give up on someone you care about, but sometimes it's best to lay low and let them figure things out on their own. It took me years to be ready to lose weight.



REBCCA
SparkPoints: (261,922)
Fitness Minutes: (152,662)
Posts: 20,323
4/29/13 12:02 P

I agree with everyone who says to never give up. Sometimes your words and advice may take time to take affect. I have been given advice that did not 'click' with me for months but I still appreciate the kind person who shared their insight.
Bonus for you to affirm for yourself the healthy choices even when they appear to fall on deaf ears.
Thanks for caring! emoticon



ALYSSAR2012
SparkPoints: (10,727)
Fitness Minutes: (2,652)
Posts: 305
4/28/13 11:26 P

Thanks for asking this question, because I was wondering about this too! I didn't want to give up, but my sister told me to give up because my mom didn't want it. Just wanted to make sure I was doing a good thing by continuing to try to get her to strive for better health with me. I think I just have to motivate my mom by example. Once she sees me losing weight, she'll want to know how I did it. I know she wants it, she just thinks it's going to be too hard for her to accomplish. She has a really old sparkpeople account and does not log on anymore, but I feel like the things on this site, especially the articles will boost her motivation a lot.
I don't know who it is you're trying to help, but maybe just try to involve them in your healthy lifestyle (by offering to do healthy things together). I ask my mom to go on walks with me sometimes. We also make weight loss competitions between my family members (with incentives). Maybe offer to cook for them. I don't know, just throwing some ideas out there (not sure if it has been said or not, as I haven't fully read the post).

Good luck!



BEEZAUR
SparkPoints: (525)
Fitness Minutes: (1,740)
Posts: 74
4/28/13 11:06 P

What do I do? I re-examine where my understanding went wrong.

When someone asks for help, the true issue is very seldom what is being asked for. It takes a lot of observational effort to sort out what really is going on with someone. You can never see inside their heads, so it's rarely possible to know for sure.

If my efforts to help fail, I look at it as me misunderstanding their motivational needs. Sometimes motivating someone is impossible.



DRAGONCHILDE
SparkPoints: (56,724)
Fitness Minutes: (14,252)
Posts: 9,619
4/28/13 8:45 P

I have to agree. As long as you care for this person, keep trying. Even if it's like talking to a brick wall, if they are still asking, that means they still want the help; you may have to try something different, but don't give up. You never know when the moment comes and they're ready to really, truly try.



RUNNINGYOGINIRE
Posts: 21,467
4/28/13 6:55 P

Never give up. The person is still asking for your help. Sometimes change takes time to kick in. Old, bad habits are hard to die.



SARAHANN01
SparkPoints: (1,649)
Fitness Minutes: (930)
Posts: 121
4/28/13 2:06 P

I am sure I am not the only one with people in my life that SAY that they're ready to make a change and even ask for advice, but then don't actually take any effort. What do you do when a person who has truly asked for help - and you put a lot of effort into helping them and share a lot of you're personal experiences with them - and you find out that they still eat fast food 10 times a week and don't actually listen to anything you say, yet they are STILL asking for advice? Should you still invest more time hoping that it'll help?



 
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