I think you handled those comments extremely well. One line I've found to be effective.. "Thank you for your concern." And another is the old Dear Abby line when it's egregiously rude... "Why would you ask that???"
But mostly, just realize you're secure, the person inserting foot isn't.... and be grateful you are the class act!
And congratulations on your loss and your husband's.. My husband and I are also doing this together and it's nice that way!
Fitness Minutes: (11,267)
1,587 11/7/12 6:45 P
Thanks for all the support and feedback.
The comments were definitely made with a judgmental/nasty 'tone', which is why I was so overly cheery in my response!
But yes, time to let it go...and I pretty much have. I'm just trying to come up with a stock 'phrase' when such a comment is made in the future - similar to response of "Yes, I've been working hard" when told I've lost a 'ton' of weight, or that I look like a 'regular' person! (haha!) For some reason, those don't bother me as much. It's 'open mouth-insert foot' in those cases, or folks don't even realize that it could be viewed as offensive. This comment about my eating caught me totally off guard and was a definite judgemental/accusatory tone to it. Had it come from my husband's grandmother, it wouldn't have phased me. This woman is a very materialistic, opinionated person - and I know I'll never change her (nor do I want to waste the energy trying) but it would be good to have a response which makes one thing about what they've just said!
Thanks again folks. It's good to read different responses to bring me back to earth. Moving on! (o:
I think most of the time people don't actually engage their brain and mouth at the same time.
Their comments are rude because they don't actually think first about it.
When I took clothes to a charity shop, as in 4 bags or so, the lady commented on my generosity and I mentioned I had lost 150lbs... and an assistant said "My god you must have been an ELEPHANT" over the fact I guess its a hard thing to comprehend and he did't even stop a second to think first.
It is hard, as hard as being directly insulted at times, but mostly I think its not intended.
I like the idea of turning it back on people if they have been rude, make them actually stop and think about what they said, and hope they learn a lesson about engaging their brains before opening their mouths.
I like your responses (especially the "Yes, I can/Yes, I am" responses to the "you're going to eat ...). But for questions like that, I also think that you could respond with a question and ask "Are you asking that because you're wondering how it's possible to lose weight/maintain a loss while eating ...?" It IS possible that the person is truly wondering how it's possible to lose weight and still eat cake, and this gives you an opportunity to share what you've learned. Maybe you can share the Spark. If they just said something thoughtless but are generally decent people, your response provides a way for them to save face. And if they're mean-spirited or insecure, your response demonstrates that you know what you're doing, are confident/happy with yourself and in control.
I'm a smart ass and I would have probably looked at the person and said it's so much better for me to risk myself saving you the trouble of eating it since it looks like you've had a little too much already! I know I need to change my thinking but people like that just make me angry!
Fitness Minutes: (48,184)
3,127 11/7/12 11:37 A
People are always making comments about my weight loss. I take them for what they are worth, especially from older people.
I posted a picture on facebook the other day, and my grandmother commented in it and said "You look so pretty now you can see your chin" I know she meant it with love and not malice, and honestly it kind of made me laugh.
I have had Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) for many reasons, and you would not begin to believe how much negativity I receive from that. I always feel the need to justify it for some reason? A lot of people tell me that they lost their weight "the old fashioned way" to which I respond "good for you!"
I find myself just smiling a lot. When people make comments about cake or pie (which I don't eat) I decline and say... I worked way too hard at the gym today to ruin it with that!
Fitness Minutes: (15,393)
30 11/7/12 9:14 A
It's been a very long process, but I keep telling myself that I cannot change the way other people act, only the way I react.
Celebrate that you have achieved so much and will continue to do so. I truly believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes you have to look hard to find it - but it is there - whether it be a lesson learned for future reference or an accomplishment of some sorts.
Try not to analyze their comments - you can't change them, the way they are or what they say. You'll drive yourself nuts if you do. You deserve better. Instead, look for the positive in the situation. For me, it would be that I had room to move between all the chairs to GET to the cake!!!
MEEKCOMEHOUSE, I wish there was a like button like on Facebook... that response is great.
Fitness Minutes: (15,393)
30 11/7/12 7:50 A
I've had that happen a couple of times and this is how I've handled it.............
I had someone ask if it was 'ok' for me to have that piece of pie (with a condescending tone) I'm quite large, but very, very rarely eat sweets, pie, cakes, candies, chips. I got this way with meat, breads, starches, etc. But every once in a while I like a piece of pie. They don't know that and really, it's none of their business. I responded with.........
I'm curious why you would ask that? (and then just stared at them with a smile - waiting for a response). When they were caught of guard with no response, I followed with 'what are you saying that would make you ask me such a question?. It made THEM uncomfortable - it gave me power over my own feelings and I walked away with my head held high.
Years ago, I had lost about 75 pounds and was very close to my goal weight... I looked and felt amazing. Some friends had come over with a couple of their friends that I had never met before. This one woman saw some pictures of me at my high weight, and proceeded to say... (mind you this was someone I had never met before)... "oh my god! you were a COW!" Now that I've gained a lot of weight back, heavier than I've ever been, I still hear those words and think, "do I really look that bad? as big as a cow?" People just don't think what their inappropriate and rude comments can do to a person. I'm still struggling... I've gained and lost and gained again. But whenever I get comments from anyone about "you're eating THAT?" I tell them to keep an eye on their own plate.
Edited by: NOTTOOLATEJUDY at: 11/7/2012 (07:43)
Fitness Minutes: (16,232)
385 11/7/12 7:29 A
I find equally rude the comments from people you barely know telling you that you've lost enough weight and shouldn't lose any more (when I'm not even close to being underweight...just relatively thinner than they are used to me being). Why do people feed the need to say something so personal? What if I said to them "I think you've gone to the casino enough now...you've blown enough of the inheritance and any more would be too much." All of it falls under the category of rude and nobody's business.
i know tone is key. but when i read what insulted you so, the subtext i see is that the person asking has been struggling with weight, whether that is something easily seen or not. that person sees you, someone who has obviously lost weight, doing something that they want to do, and they want to know how you did it. in other words, "you lost 60 pounds and you have cake?" or "you lost 60 lbs and you can have seconds?" it's more incredulity than insult. it says they have been doing something hard and unsatisfying with not great results, so if there is a way to have seconds and cake and lose weight, they want to be on board. they're hoping you respond with, "oh, yes, it was pill x. i eat whatever i want and lose weight, where i could not lose at all before." not as something against your skills, just because they want an easy way to lose weight and do something that they want to do. and if you're losing weight and you're doing something that they want to do, trying to draw you in to conversation does seem logical to find out what you are doing, so that they can do it too. again, tone is key, but i tend to hear that sort of phrasing a lot more often as "i wanna do what she is doing" than said in a snide manner, even to the point that i can't hear how snide would sound in my head. and the best way to respond is "that's how i like it." if someone is giving your salad the eye, "but i like salad" is impossible to come back against. if you don't want gravy on your turkey it's hard to come back against "but i don't like to drown my turkey in gravy. it gets a little too soggy, so i'd rather have it plain." even if you are just trying to save some calories. if you use something about your health and weight goals as your "excuse," then you're basically opening up a conversation about your health and weight goals. and everybody's got an opinion on that. or a friend who does this. or a relative, who... you get the picure. if you use personal preference as your excuse, very few people will actually push. and this is coming from a picky eater who doesn't like pie or chocolate. i get a lot of "really?" responses and a couple of strange stares and people tend to repeat for verification, but i tend to eat what i want in peace.
I agree just consider the souce.... sounds like she has her own issues. If you feel the need to comment next time just tell her this. I have no problems and it sounds like you do so get some tissues and deal with your issues.
Fitness Minutes: (1,876)
1,049 11/6/12 6:57 P
Isn't is SO annoying that when you lose weight people think they can comment on anything and everything you eat?! Like you're supposed to eat salad all of your life because you've made lifestyle changes!
When I had reached about 100 pounds lost, I remember some girl I had just met laughed and I asked what she laughed at and she said, "Oh one of my friends posted something on Facebook about body acceptance that was funny. She's kind of bigger, like you."
I was like, "You think I'm big..?" She's like, "Well, maybe a little above average."
Mind you I had already LOST 100 pounds!
Honestly, people are just ARROGANT. Sometimes people just like to see how well they can get under your skin. I'm sure she had heard from my friend I'd lost weight, so she said it to address the topic. I don't know.
All I know is, I live by this quote a friend once told me:
"CONSIDER THE SOURCE!" I can guarantee if you look at the people who make comments on your body image, they have issues with theirs, themselves!
When I was overweight, mostly bigger woman commented on my weight. Now that I'm thin, thin women don't like me half of the time. Or people worry about me because I'm, "too thin." They comment on what I eat while they're stuffing their face with junk food. All that matters at the end of the day, is how YOU feel when YOU look in the mirror!
Edited by: MMEEAAGGX3 at: 11/6/2012 (18:58)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
2,171 11/6/12 6:12 P
I think your way of responding is probably best. These people obviously have no idea how to give a real compliment, so while they probably think they're being nice and complimentary, they're actually being kind of rude. The woman at the party is probably someone who has struggled with their own weight, and can't fathom how you've lost weight while still eating things like cake or getting seconds from the buffet. Plus the fact you say you don't really like her to begin with leads me to believe she has a crappy personality all around, and not worth the effort to try and be snotty back to her.
Fitness Minutes: (11,267)
1,587 11/6/12 5:59 P
...you get the occasional rude remark about your weight loss and/or your diet.
As I started to receive comments on my weight, I decided I'd let them roll off and take everything as a compliment, as it was likely intended. When the coworker stopped in my classroom and said "Wow...you, like, look regular now!" I just smiled and said "thank you, I've been working hard."
When another coworker carried on in front of several people about my losing a "ton" of weight, loudly and repeatedly, I fluffed it off and again replied, "Thanks for noticing, I've been working hard." I was just a little embarrassed; she is very loud, and it was in front of several people.
Honestly, these things didn't bother me too much. Not everyone is eloquent in their delivery, and I try to see the positive in these comments. There are physical changes and people are noticing.
Now...to my point...because this one DID tick me off and I SO wanted a good come back for it! (I'm sure part of the reason that I'm still frustrated 3 days later is that I don't particularly care for the person who delivered these comments.)
My husband and I recently went to a retirement party for one of his coworkers. I've lost 60 lbs, my husband nearly 40. I got up to grab a plastic fork for someone who was sitting at our table and was boxed in/couldn't get up easily. The forks were near the cake. This woman said to me as I walked by, "Wow, You've lost a ton of weight!" (again, that 'ton' thing) I said "yes, I've been working hard" and continued on my way toward the forks. On my way back by she said, "You're not having a piece of cake, are you?" to which I turned to her with the biggest, snottiest grin I could muster and proudly proclaimed, "Oh yes I certainly am!!!" and continued walking. I didn't bother explaining that the fork was for someone else, nor did I tell her that I had already had a few bites and was satisfied at that and gave the rest of the piece of cake (more than half) to my husband. I was caught too off guard and wish I had a better response at the time. I just couldn't believe she felt I needed her to be my food police.
Then...I found out, I wasn't aware of this until afterwards, but when my husband was going up to the buffet for a second helping of something, this woman said to him "You're having seconds???!!" to which he replied proudly "Yes I am!"
Seriously, how does one respond to such comments? A room full of people in someone's kitchen/dining room...full room, but personal setting - nearly everyone heard - I hope they focused on her rudeness rather than joining her in her monitoring my food intake.
With the holidays approaching, I think I need a stock phrase, similar to my 'Yes, I've been working hard." response for those who feel it necessary to make comments regarding what I am, or am not eating.
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