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BROWNEYES8 SparkPoints: (148,638)
Fitness Minutes: (30,183)
Posts: 4,517
6/2/10 8:39 P

There is no convincing mine, so I can't help. emoticon

CTRAVEL SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (5,153)
Posts: 1,917
6/2/10 6:22 P

I have been after my husband to exercise at the gym at least twice a week. He does walk three days a week but wants to lose more weight but the gym would be ideal, but until he wants to no matter what I say he will not do it. He has to want it for himself and I have to learn to accept that fact. It is for him and not for me. I also exercise and lose weight for me and would not appreciate him telling me to do it. I know it is hard to not say anything but know he will do what is important for him.

-POLEDANCEGIRL- Posts: 14,825
6/2/10 3:56 P

My hubby is trying to make good choices. he is watching me make changes and likes it. I make sure to tell him what a good choice he made/is making.

6/2/10 3:38 P

You can't, but others can. Reader's Digest got through to my husband at how much risk he is putting himself at for being overweight. Just like us, until we wanted to by hitting our no go zone, he will not start until he is ready. Suggest going for a walk together.

DARK_ANGEL10 SparkPoints: (12,820)
Fitness Minutes: (11,924)
Posts: 1,408
6/2/10 2:47 P

I just cook healthy and try and take a walk with him whenever time allows. He keeps active with the house but I would like him to go to the gym one day with me. It's on my bucket list. lol

CHOOWY Posts: 4,240
6/2/10 2:07 P

Look for guaranteed great healthy snack and dessert recipes that you can have on hand when he gets home from work. Make healthy choices easy for him.

Black bean salsa:

1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can petite cut diced tomatoes (15 oz.)
1 can whole kernel corn (15 oz.)
1/2 onion, finely diced
1/2 green pepper, small dice
1/2 can diced jalapenos
1/2 bottle light Italian dressing

Costco's Kirkland Brand Organic Tortilla chips: 14 = 140 calories vs. regular chips (usually 9 = 140 calories)

RENA1965 Posts: 17,878
6/2/10 1:35 P

I agree with Rick1947, big change of lifestyle..

6/1/10 11:30 A

OSSL: SP members are always here to help, some more aggressively than others but for the most all of us want to feel like we're helping each other out and sometimes it's through what's called "Tough Love".

I'm a sensitive person so I can see how some folk's comments looked like personal attacks but none of them I assure you.

GL to you and hubby, may you both find what you're looking for in good health.

6/1/10 11:28 A

I try to get my fiance and daughter to do some family things like a bike ride, go shoot some hoops, walking the dogs.

RED_RIDING_HOOD Posts: 1,397
6/1/10 11:21 A

Lead by example. You cannot force him to do anything; otherwise you will be stressed out and he will be stressed as well. Do your thing and let him make the decision, least you both be frustrated and hurt not to mention the friction, resentment and fights.

Edited by: RED_RIDING_HOOD at: 6/1/2010 (11:21)
6/1/10 11:08 A

Wow some of you are extremely rude and should really think about the way your words are conveyed across the internet. Whether you're serious or sarcastic, it's just not necessary to comment like that. First off, thank you to the people who gave me some good advice on keeping the junk food out of the house and what not. Secondly, my husband didn't just get out of the army so learn to read next time! I said FOUR years ago. And also I am not nagging and even questioned him if he thought I was and he said "no" just as I assumed. He said he just jokes about me "calling him out" because he knows he needs to lose weight, he just doesn't want to start yet. So thanks to those who said to let him come around when HE wants. He isn't obese my God either, but overweight is a difference between the body he used to have! Maybe it's just me but I do care about body image amongst my family and loved ones and can lose interest physically in them if they are getting bigger. He's not like 300 pounds by any means, but he's surely not the healthy 180-190 that he SHOULD be. That is also based on what his flight doctor (he flies helicopters for his work) and general practitioner told him. The rest of you don't deserve my breath... but thank you for everyone elses advice, particularly from the guys.

MYRACCOON Posts: 723
5/29/10 11:39 P

just do it and let him notice

MELLINA2 Posts: 126
5/29/10 11:15 P

let him know that you love him and want him to be around for a long time. Then remember when you change anything dramatic in your life if you don't do it for yourself you won't stay with it. It is like stopping smoking the people who do it for someone else either cheat when the person isn't around or start doing it non-stop when the person they stopped for is permanently out of their life.

J2740LOU SparkPoints: (315,689)
Fitness Minutes: (297,875)
Posts: 3,775
5/29/10 11:09 P

If you're doing the cooking, you are in control of the ingredients. I know someone who slowly changed the whole milk to skim by adding skim to the whole milk and saving the whole milk carton. He never knew what was happening.......

22PHAT Posts: 931
5/29/10 10:51 P

I've been trying to get my husband to exercise for the longest. We've had a membership at the YMCA for over a year (they added him at no charge)and he has only used it twice. I told him that my weight was going to catch up with him and his weight is continuing to climb. Regardless of what I say, he has to get it in his head to want to make a change. Since he can't fit in a lot of his clothes, I think he's getting closer. He even asked me the other day where did we want to go walking. Whether he was bluffing or not, I'm going to call his bluff. His diet, well, that's another story...Don't give up on your husband.

5/29/10 10:40 P

You don't. He has to convince himself. You can make compelling arguments regarding health and weight, and you can provide the reasons why you believe/suggest he should (e.g., for you, kids, etc.) but he's got to do it on his own. Doesn't it suck when you want something so badly for someone and they won't come around? And you can't understand WHY they won't come around (because you've got things figured out?) I hate that, hate it for you. Tough when they don't get on board. I wish you the best.

J2740LOU SparkPoints: (315,689)
Fitness Minutes: (297,875)
Posts: 3,775
5/29/10 10:36 P

It has to be his idea. Maybe he'll observe your example; how you have improved physically and mentally and want to imitate what you're doing or want what you have. You'll never convince him or anyone. They'll just dig in their heels and justify their behavior or need for a lifestyle change.

5/29/10 10:25 P

Actually, he may "NEVER" see that he has to lose weight. Ya have to consider that as a real possibility.

GEM2GEMINI Posts: 140
5/29/10 9:49 P

Basically what everyone else has said. He has to want to. Don't worry, though. The more he sees you doing it the thought will cross into his mind.

The same thing happened to me (my husband was in the Navy). When he got out we both gained 30 pounds. Then I joined SparkPeople and started trying to get healthy. Everytime I asked him to exercise with me or join me, he would complain about it. Finally I stopped asking him.

Then one day he couldn't fit into his favorite pair of jeans anymore. After seeing me lose about 5 pounds, he decided to join me. Now he's lost more than I have!

He'll start in his own time, don't worry. :)

TAMNTN Posts: 2,199
5/29/10 9:18 P

You can't. He has to WANT to do it for himself. No one else can convince him or change him. But you can be the positive side of a healthier lifestyle. Always say and remain positive when doing exercise and making wise food choices around him...even if you're not feeling that way. A lot of times, we can be the inspiration that gets family members motivated for themselves because they see the incredible transformation in us. Good Luck! Keep on Sparking! :)

MRSJAYNES Posts: 2,067
5/29/10 9:07 P

Have these comments helped, Sunshine? Care to share some feedback for us?
I've been married almost 25 years and my husband has always been heavier than me {most would say he was fat and i was not]. We've gone on various 'weightloss' 'get healthier' journeys throughout our marriage, only once together. That was the most fun because we were so supportive of each others activity & food choices. We always try not to criticize or sabotage the 'healthy eater' but if you're not eating salad & prunes together its just not the same! We've never exercised together because our work/free time usually differs & we like very different activities.
He's told me he'd enjoy tennis & wants to get a bike. If i was serious about motivating him to be more active i would get him those items--tennis rackets, bike or gift cards for them or tennis court time or something like that.
Keep up your own efforts! YOUR good health & energy are worth it, no matter what.

5/29/10 8:12 P

It's not his time.

It may never be his time.

It's your time, you keep up the good work for YOU.

First comes emoticon

Then comes emoticon

That's the formula for all of us!

5/29/10 1:30 P

He has to find his own motivation or it won't work...

5/29/10 1:23 P

Just lead by example, you can't push anyone. He'll be won over by a good non pushing example. It has to be his choice or it won't work or last.

5/29/10 1:23 P

I think that by living a new lifestyle, that you're a good example, one that hopefully he'll choose to follow.

Harping on him won't make it work. Hopefully, he'll see how good it is for you and want to do it too. There are no guarantees, but it's a good shot.

ANARIE Posts: 13,179
5/29/10 1:20 P

You have to shut up about it now. You've made your point, and anything more that you say or do is just rubbing his nose in it. All you're going to achieve now is to make him rebel, either by eating more/worse or by going out and finding another woman to prove to himself that he's still attractive. As others have said, think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. You might accept hearing him say something about your weight once or twice, but if he kept it up, you would be furious.

This is YOUR thing. It's like if you decided to study a foreign language. That's a healthy thing, something that we all probably ought to do. It's useful in and of itself, and it also makes your brain healthier and lowers your risk for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and other degenerative diseases. But if you started taking a class when he didn't want to, would you try to force him into studying with you? Would you rub his head and imply that he was dumb? Probably not. Probably, you'd just go to class and come home and study, without talking a whole lot about it. If you started coming home with a bunch of A's and got a promotion at work because you were bilingual, then he might just jump in and join you. But if he never did, that would be his right. YOU'RE the one who changed something, and he doesn't have to join you unless/until he wants to.

RGRJOE175 Posts: 469
5/29/10 11:43 A

I am not sure what you mean by you wanting the guy back that you married.

JP's rules to a successful lasting relationship.

1. Stop. Every time you attempt to "change" the person your with, you are pushing them away and putting another nail in the coffin for that relationship.
2. Accept. People change on their own, accept it or go find another.
3. lather rinse repeat 1 and 2 above.

GRACEISENUF Posts: 12,805
5/29/10 11:22 A

lead by example and love him "right" where he's at

5/29/10 11:21 A

tell him you need his big strong muscles to fend off all the men as you go for a walk...maybe that will entice him

5/29/10 10:32 A

Tell him to check out my healthy living blog at the site below! Fun pictures with tasty ideas for healthy treats!

5/29/10 10:16 A

Think about this, If he was talking to you about you extra weight would you be hurt or would you feel attacked. Even though you are on a path to a healthy lifestyle he is not ready. Don't joke or suggest or question his choices at this time. You can invite him to go with you to exercise casually, without pressure but that is it. Nothing will make a husband more stubborn than a nagging wife. When I gave up smoking, I did not try to influence my husband to quit with me. One month after I quit, he quit on his own. Our partners know when they are making bad choices so don't keep pointing it out, that will only solidify the behaviors. Good Luck

SKILILY34 Posts: 479
5/29/10 9:47 A

I think you have to back off, don't do or say anything that makes it seem like you want him to lose weight and emphasize how much you love him just the way he is.

I understand that can be very hard to do, but if you don't back off he will just feel resentful and then even if he's in a space to make changes he won't want to because that would just be proving you right or letting you win.

MYCUTEGIZMO Posts: 3,845
5/29/10 9:25 A

Perhaps try to engage him into doing activities with you but don't tell him outwardly it is for weight loss?

Well he might be quite sensitive about his weight from the looks of it so as long as you don't emphasize this point try to introduce exercise to him indirectly like say you want to join a marathon or a walkathon and was hoping he could train with you?

NIRERIN Posts: 14,236
5/29/10 9:17 A

you can't want it more than he does. and he doesn't seem to want it. period.
yes, there is some possibility of a worried about your health guilt trip, but most people really only get one shot at that one, and 20-30lbs overweight from military weight may not even be more than just slightly overweight [it depends on where he was to begin with. i mean, if he were on the overweight/obese line then the 25lbs could tip him into problems, but if he started in the low to middling range, he's barely in the overweight category].
nagging him and rubbing his belly is pretty disrespectful since he's telling you not to. i mean, if he started patting your thighs and calling you thunder thighs and you asked him to stop, how would you feel? not very good. he probably knows he's a bit over where he should be. it's not like you're enlightening him. you're poking at a sensitive spot that he's not ready to do anything about. did people point out the obvious to you before you started losing weight? did it make you feel any better or motivate you [at the time at least]?
it's the scenario with the horse and water. you can't make him drink unless he wants to. he has to want it enough to do it. you can't eat for him. you can't exercise for him. you can support him with whatever he chooses.

JENNA3 SparkPoints: (74,616)
Fitness Minutes: (52,406)
Posts: 2,704
5/28/10 9:35 A

It took me a year of therapy to get this through my head, maybe you are not as dense as me. "You can't change any one else. Only yourself." I can totally relate to the issue-my husband went he same way after leaving the army. Sometimes I think they do this to get back at the Army, which doesn't work.

He knows you want him to join you, but he doesn't want to. It's up to him to change his mind, you can't do it for him. He clearly doesn't want to do your workout, so find something fun- a hike, a paddleboat, canoe, a trip to the lake, basketball, whatever he likes that would be fun. Ask him if he'd like to go OUT for ice cream.

Who buys the food in your house? If it's you, don't buy the bad stuff. Make him get it on his own. My hubby did this, though, to my detriment. When his junk food would tempt me though, I made a rule. I never opened his junk food. If it was open already and I couldn't resist, I'd throw away the rest of the bag. He probably thought I was eating it.

the only words that ever worked on my husband were these: 'Dear, we need to make out our wills this month. Also, I need you to make a choice. I'm concerned about your health and your risk for heart attack. I need you to either take out an extra life insurance policy to help me and the kids if you die, or start working out.'

That worked on him and he started working out. It might be far too harsh for others, though.

RICK1947 Posts: 2,258
5/28/10 9:35 A

Start with the basics. Have a sit down and ask why. Maybe he does not want the same thing you want. There may be something else on his mind. Getting out of the Army is a big change.

5/28/10 9:22 A

I have a great idea: take a picture of him in his swim trunks!
I took one of my hubby this week, and he knew I was doing it, I joked, "suck it in for the pic", but he didn't. When we got home and looked at them, he was sincerely shocked at how "fat" (his own word) he had gotten. Now whether or not that translates into him doing anything about it remains to be seen! He did pick up a huge cheesecake last night, to my detriment. :(
But I agree with everyone else, don't nag, just do the best you can, be positive about what you're doing, and willing the minute he wants to join you!

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,418
5/27/10 6:39 P

Be a good example, because he has to decide on his own to do this. Otherwise he will consider it nagging.

VGIMLET Posts: 2,580
5/27/10 6:38 P

I am also trying to get my husband to join me, BUT we all have to walk our own path.

I talk about how much better I feel, and how much more energy I have. He has gone as far as asking me to make him fruit salad when I make my own. (We rarely eat the same thing at dinner - never have).

Nagging will just hurt his feelings and accomplish nothing. Talking to him about it will just annoy him. I always have to imagine myself in his position, and then I shut up.

I just try to be a good example.

My husband is diabetic, and it would be really great for him to join me on my journey. I worry about him. He knows this, and I try hard not to beat the dead horse...good luck.

5/27/10 5:32 P

Just continue being an example, when people start complimenting on you wt loss and how good you look, he may want to join you. Maybe you couold find a physical activity that he would enjoy doing, Shooting blu rock is a great physical activity and burns quite a few calories, don't mention it as exercise just plan activities as such. Buy more fruits and vegetables to snack on. Prepare healthy meals with lean meats. Try the wii games, they get you off the couch and are fun. Don't push him. He will come around in his own time.

Edited by: NEBRASKANURSE at: 5/27/2010 (17:33)
ARMSPORTS Posts: 1,310
5/27/10 4:22 P

Set an example (as you are already doing), try new "healthy" meals when possible, don't bring high calorie/fat foods into the house (make it a "treat" to go out and have these), suggest activities you could do together, etc.

But don't nag,it never works! He's going to have to make the decision to do it, you can't make it for him.

Good luck!

DOLLIE6 Posts: 2,845
5/27/10 4:18 P

You keep exercising and losing and I bet he will join you pretty soon. Just don't nag and be sure and tell him what fun you are having, who you met, what you saw interesting, etc.

5/27/10 4:15 P

It's been 5 years since I met my husband and married for almost 2. Ever since he got out of the army nearly 4 years ago he has gained about 20-30 pounds. I want the man I fell in love with back... granted he has stopped smoking cigarettes and doesn't do PT/exercise everyday anymore but he also has a new job where he only works 40 (instead of 70+) hours a week. He's out the door at 7am and in the door by 5pm. I want him to work out with me but he always turns it into a joke... "are you calling me fat?" or if I jokingly rub his belly he snaps and says "i HATE when you do that" ...but then he continues to eat ice cream, potato chips and coke through the day. I don't even want to know what he eats for lunch at work!! I just want to know how I can get my husband to work out with me... I've lost nearly 5 pounds this month and feel amazing, I know he would too instead of being "tired" and depending on soft drinks. HELP!

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