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DAHOPPER1 SparkPoints: (1,171)
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7/19/12 9:47 A

I had a ton of boyfriends in college - and then go out and everyone was paired-up and I didn't like any of my co-workers... there was a 5 year dry-spell and then I met my ex-husband. Unfortunetly, it didn't work out with him... but, I met another wonderful man 10 years ago, and it has been bliss ever since!

JSEENEWME4REAL Posts: 116
7/18/12 4:30 P

Just wanted to add that everyone has valid suggestions and comments (to think further about).
I'm kind of shy in certain social situations and that's due to my lack of self confidence. I've decided recently to force myself (gently of course) to do things which are a bit uncomfortable to help me in the other hurdles in my life.

You guys are so helpful and inspiring! I say to OP to keep doing what you love & are interested in doing. Try not to focus so much on your single status. I'm single too and much older than you but I also realize that I need to improve me first and love myself and be comfortable totally in my own skin. Though I totally get it is nice to share some aspects of our lives with someone special. Sometimes I also start asking people questions or commenting on something and run with it. It does work, smile and say something....

JENELOPE Posts: 148
7/18/12 3:23 P

This is a pretty common refrain among single people once they get over right around 25 or so. It's really hard to meet people once you're out of school. I know when I started working at my first real job, it was really weird because I was the youngest person in the office and nearly everyone was married. That I was dealing with some pretty low self-esteem and "opposite sex shyness" in my 20s and early 30s didn't help at all. It sounds like you've worked through a lot of stuff through therapy already. But after reading some of your blogs, I think returning might help a bit. Talk to her about everything you put in your June 16 blog post. Trust issues can be lessened by meeting some truly trustworthy men. Now how do you meet the right kind of man?

I recently read some great advice on a website called Captain Awkward. The site author's advice was good, but the best advice was in a comment later on. There's a lot of really foul language on that site, but here is the particular comment I mean: http://captainawkward.com/2012/07/12/296-h
ow-do-i-start-to-date-a-counter-intuit
ive-primer/#comment-16386

What it boils down to is figuring out what it is that you love and what are you great at doing. On your Spark Page it says that you're interested in running some 5Ks this year. Is there a running club or class that you can join? A running store near me (Running Fit in MI) holds running classes and training groups for all levels. You love music. Is there a community or church choir you can join? Most don't care if you're a good singer or not. And joining a choir makes you a better singer, anyway. What about a book club through your library?

That comment also has some terrific advice for getting more comfortable talking to new people. I like to call this "flirting without intent." Her fourth point is some pretty amazing stuff, so I'm quoting it wholesale (note: the person who wrote in was a 23 year old guy who ended up exploding all over the comments, but it's advice that applies to both men and women, and works for any kind of social interaction with new people, IMO):
"4) Right now you’re not getting any reward out of talking to women, since the only reward you’re after is GET DATE GET DATE GET DATE. Shift the reward: give yourself three points apiece (based on how you think you did) for each of the following:

a) Analyze for Commonality. Figure out what you have in common with this other person.
b) Commonality Question.* Ask the other person a question related to the thing you appear to have in common.
c) Compliment. This often goes hand in hand with the Commonality Question; either one can go first. You get bonus points for adding in an indication that you are interested in this topic.
d) Follow-Up Question. This demonstrates your listening comprehension.
e) GRACEFUL/CASUAL EXIT. By which I mean that if at any point before this, you get the OH CHRIST GET AWAY FROM ME vibe, smile, say “thanks”, and mosey off. Alternately, if you discover very quickly that this person is screamingly bad company, ABORT MISSION and still give yourself full points for extricating yourself.

(Of course, the first four can be lather/rinse/repeated if things are going well, but only then.

Example from real life:

a) This woman has a Doctor Who t-shirt. I like Doctor Who!
c) “Love the t-shirt!”
b) “Where’d you get it? I’ve only seen them at WisCon.”
d) I’ve never been there, did you like it?”
e) “Cool! Thanks for the tip, great talking to you!”

I will generously award myself full points for each, a total of 15 points. Once I get to 100 points, I am totally going to go get ice cream, because while points are their own reward to me, ice cream is a TANGIBLE reward and I like it."

And I would definitely list myself as "athletic," if I was you. You, my dear, are a budding jock-ette. Unfortunately, "a few extra pounds" is a bit of an interest-killer on online dating sites. If you're worried that you don't think of yourself as athletic, work on your biceps, triceps and quads. They respond fairly quickly to strength training and strong muscles here make you look more athletic. Strong quads and hamstrings are also must-haves for runners- so, bonus! emoticon

STEPHARLO SparkPoints: (6,402)
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Posts: 123
7/18/12 2:28 P

One of my good friends and I have signed up with a few social groups that meet our interests on meetup.com. We go together, so we always have at least one person there we know and like, and the events are conducive to meeting new people. It's low stress and we only go to the events we know we'll like, so even if we don't meet anyone of special interest, we've still had a good time.

SHARKYCHARMING Posts: 18
7/18/12 1:43 P

I'm really shy, too, Angie, so I know it can be so hard to meet people. Have you asked your friends if they have any interesting male co-workers or friends who they could perhaps invite over for a party or barbecue that you'll be attending? That's much more low-pressure than a blind date where the two of you are alone (especially with your trust issues).

Good luck. You'll find him.

CLOUDCAT13 SparkPoints: (7,763)
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Posts: 69
7/18/12 12:51 P

The advice I give to my single friends who want to date and want to find someone, is Stop Looking! There is a desperation to someone actively looking to find someone to be close to and it is subtly off-putting. Do what you enjoy, what makes you happy. No matter what it is. In doing those things, you will likely meet others that enjoy the same things. If these develop into friendships, Great. If not, at least you are doing things you enjoy. The best friendships and relationship are the ones that just happen without being sought. Love yourself, do what you enjoy doing, and let friendships (and possibly more) happen. Much easier said than done, but worth trying.

GOOGYSPO Posts: 28
7/18/12 12:13 P

I found myself newly-single in my 40s. I met many friends through an online service, and we'd meet up for coffee several times a week (I had to go to meet them alone, but I've never really had an issue with doing that).

I ended up marrying one of those friends a few years later.

I wasn't looking for it, and that's why I think I found it.

Good luck and God bless

GUDDIGO Posts: 1,081
7/18/12 9:30 A

Counseling help you....

BMCOLLEY SparkPoints: (73,964)
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Posts: 3,192
7/18/12 9:10 A

I agree with everyone who suggests additional counseling. Counselors are able to draw out of you things you have buried and never dealt with. We care for you; however, we would have to know what exactly is happening in order to make recommendations. Give the counseling some thought.

Bettie

AHAVAH123 Posts: 1,429
7/18/12 2:18 A

This subect is of special interest to me.
emoticon

LYNNRODRIGUEZ SparkPoints: (4,797)
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Posts: 638
7/17/12 10:26 P

I met my husband on e-harmony.

GINGERMACC Posts: 294
7/17/12 8:55 P

Hi. Are there any singles groups in your area, like through meetup.com? If so, join the group and get to know a few of the women. As you begin to go to events, you'll start to feel more comfortable if you have at least one person to talk to, and they can introduce you to other people. I know it's hard. I have some shy tendencies and once I feel comfortable and safe then I open up. As for the dating issue, well, do the things you love to do and you might meet someone who shares your interests. I know it's hard. I've been there.

ELYN23 SparkPoints: (5,280)
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Posts: 8
7/17/12 8:15 P

Don't give up, and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Good luck!

EMMAEKAY SparkPoints: (18,322)
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7/17/12 7:27 P

I'm going to suggest two things, based on looking at your Sparkpage in addition to reading this question.

First, you have a lot of fear and self-loathing that you need to work through. You're still looking in the mirror and seeing/feeling like 260 pounds. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of needing, and I suggest it strongly. You are a beautiful woman who can't see her own beauty. You wondered if the fear and self-loathing will continue once you hit goal.... the answer is yes. No matter what weight we carry, we are who we are on the inside.

Second, I suggest volunteering with an organization you love. Be it animals, kids, etc etc, you should find some like-minded people and help out!

It is possible to heal from any and every injury - the ones we have thrust upon us, the ones we thrust upon ourselves. But it does require help, and you have to learn new ways to cope. I understand what you mean about negative experiences... I was raped twice as a teen and physically abused as a child. As a teenager, I engaged in self-harm. I know every type of pain - but that didn't stop me from healing as an adult! I had two years of therapy. I learned how to be a person again, not just a pile of fear and pain. And I just celebrated my 7th anniversary with a wonderful man, I have a small circle of friends and a dog. My life is super happy! But it wouldn't have been without a counselor who helped me learn how to function as a healthy adult.

Edited by: EMMAEKAY at: 7/17/2012 (19:32)
CHLOEMINOR SparkPoints: (6,326)
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Posts: 39
7/17/12 5:16 P

I've met nice new people (male and female, friends and friends-plus!?) at Habitat for Humanity, and dancing; preferably not the kind of dancing where everyone drinks and the music is really loud. Maybe folk, swing, noncompetitive ballroom dancing, contra, ceilis?

You do have to go alone, which makes Habitat less stressful, because (in my experience) you turn up and there are tasks to be done and you're usually working alongside someone, and now you have someone to talk to. Also, it's often very energetic work!

Do your married friends know that you'd like to meet someone? Do you trust any of them to do really low-key meetups -- not expecting that you and That New Guy at Work will immediately go out, but just remembering to invite both of you at the same time?

Also, making friends with more single women is also worth it, because (a) friends are worth it and (b) they have brothers and coworkers and Just Friends.

JAEBAEBEE SparkPoints: (24,196)
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Posts: 650
7/16/12 11:48 P

Keep moving out of my cocoon and meeting people, being open to new experiences.

Taking it one day at a time, and being satisfied with my progress.

CRAZYCATLADY40 Posts: 137
7/16/12 4:00 P

First I would not list yourself as a few pounds as I think you look pretty good.

I was painfully shy in my twenties. I got over it by forcing myself to talk to people and take part in things ( most of it when I was in university).

When I was 28 (I had no wieght problem then), I still had never had a relationship for more than a year. I never got dates, I was single I think for about 5 years (26 to 31). Then at 29 I decided to go to university and started taking part in new activies and made new friends. When I decided to stop looking for a man and focus soley on myself that's when I found one; I was 31. We are still together and married in 2005.

So find activities that you enjoy, trust me its money well spent. In most groups usually there are always a few people who are new. Focus on yourself and your personal growth the rest will follow. Don't be scared to try new things. The best thing I ever did was start bellydancing at 40 no less. Your never too old to try new things.

PS. I also had rather unpleasant sexual experience when I was 19, you do heal over time.

GRIZ1GIRL SparkPoints: (131,114)
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7/16/12 1:00 P

The hardest things to gain in life aren't pounds, but self-confidence & pride in oneself! I used to be painfully shy, but with great effort & a lot of "putting myself out there" when I was in my 20s, I realized I'm a great person! I am no longer shy around anyone.

You can't wait to live your life--with a boyfriend, or without...with kids or without--you have to do WHATEVER you want to do & enjoy doing it! Smile at everyone--you'd be amazed how fast you make friends when you SMILE!

The easiest way to lose the shy & gain confidence is to become a mom, since we moms become Mother Bears--NOTHING keeps us from standing up for our kids. However, that's not always an option, obviously...

Learn to like yourself. Get out there & LIVE & enjoy life....just do it. :)

CHOOWY Posts: 4,240
7/16/12 12:56 P

Take a baby step and try something new and interesting....and a leeeeetle bit scary and challenging. Whether it's eating alone in a restaurant, traveling, or joining a new group....you will build your confidence more and more each time.

Take the time to look your best, put on a smile, be warm and genuine.

Good luck!

BAMAJAM Posts: 2,224
7/16/12 12:51 P

So many excellent comments here that are shared by very caring people, Sparkpeople! I am very happy to have found Sparkfolks... and am so grateful also.

My dear mother, a widow, had moved to my town and was very anti-social when it came to joining any group. She missed her old neighborhood and was so lonely. It took a great deal of encouragement, but finally she agreed to join a senior group at a local church. The first meeting was a "difficult hurdle" for her---however, soon after meeting wonderfully warm folks, my mom was "hooked"..and really looked forward to each social meeting. No doubt about it, mom had FUN again with these sweet people! She won the first place prize at a costume party---- Her outfit was hilarious, and she caused lots of LAUGHTER! The lesson is, do something that is uncomfortable, and you might be very glad that you took a "step" towards a very beneficial endeavor. How pleased I was to see my mom's renewed zest for life.

HOLALOLA SparkPoints: (21,074)
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Posts: 278
7/16/12 12:29 P

Do what you love and romance will follow--I wish I could remember where I read that.

After one of many breakups, I joined a bunch of classes and groups to meet new people. It forces you to keep introducing yourself to new people and make small talk until you find something you both find interesting. It took a while but I finally found a good group and made many wonderful new friends.

That gave me the confidence to say to myself--to heck with men, I don't need them and will be fine if I never meet the right man. I swore off guys for the summer and ended up meeting Mr. Right soon after. I think the more you look, the more they stay away. And I was much older than you when all this happened so you have plenty of time ahead of you.

Even when I was single, I had a lot of interests that my other friends did not. So I did a lot of things alone. If I had waited for someone to do them with, I never would have done them and I would have missed out on a lot of great experiences. Don't think about looking weird. Weird is a good thing!

Keep trying with Meetup.com. Not all groups are the same but you can probably find one that suits you. Even if you just make one good friend it will be worth it. Also, ask the people you meet which other groups they belong to. They might know of a better one.

Recreational volleyball sounds like the perfect thing. It's ok to show up to something like that alone, you will meet new teammates and people on the other teams. You get exercise. And there is usually some kind of food and drink meeting afterward, which is a great social occasion. (Just make sure you stick to the salad instead of burgers!)

And stick with the counseling. Sounds like you might not be finished yet.



RACKMYBRAINS Posts: 435
7/16/12 12:26 P

I'm going to agree also about re-thinking the "going alone to events, etc." idea. I'm in a similar position to the OP, I think, it's just that I'm a guy. Initially it's not easy going to movies, events, etc. by yourself. But I actually kind of like it now, and I've met a few women that way. In college, I used to go to a lot of things with one or two friends, or a girlfriend at the time, and I never once thought about whether other people were looking at me. So why think that way now, when I choose to go out and do something? I actually enjoy it now, and I get to pick exactly what I want to go do or see rather than considering what other people might prefer.


JENJI_RUNNER Posts: 63
7/16/12 11:28 A

I agree that you might re-think going somewhere alone. When I would go out with single friends, we'd have fun and support each other, but we'd rarely meet anyone new. When I forced myself to go to Meetup.com or Appalachian Mountain Club or Running Club events by myself, I did meet people. It is hard sometimes to feel out of place, but I've found that asking people questions and really listening is a good way to make new friends. And yes, they should be friends first. Good luck!

Edited by: JENJI_RUNNER at: 7/16/2012 (11:28)
AKIRAA Posts: 24
7/16/12 11:00 A

It's ironic how we can be surrounded by so many people yet still feel lonely! The previous posts have lots of great advice. I think it's important to practice being more social. Don't reserve your social behavior only for prospective dates. Practice taking to everyone- the grandma out for a walk, the person bagging your groceries- see if you can strike up a conversation and then keep it going the next time you see them. We see a lot of the same people in our community, but don't really know them. You can then transfer those skills you've practiced into clubs or classes, and finally on a date. A confident person who loves themselves is very attractive to others. Having said this, I know it is easier said than done. When I don't feel confident, I think of Louise Hay: "I am beautiful and everybody loves me." When I start thinking that, I'll either feel silly because I don't believe it at the moment and so I'll start smiling, or I might believe it and start smiling because it makes me feel good. Either way, I start feeling better and then people start smiling at me!
Also, doing the work of Donna Eden (daily energy routine, etc.) has been extremely helpful to change patterns and to help me attain a new state of normal.

N16351D Posts: 2,349
7/16/12 9:27 A

I married and had a baby at age 19. (I do not recommend having a baby before finishing college!) Since I tied myself down so much at such a young age, I never had a chance to try some of my dreams. ( I did eventually become a commercial pilot!)

For decades I waited until my daughter was grown, we had some money, and my father-in-law moved in, and later passed away, until I had a chance to go further and try some of the thing I have dreamed of since elementary school.

There have been many days I would give up something (but not my marriage) to be single and have the freedom to go where I wanted and fulfill some of those dreams. Finding peace in the situation in which you are in, is a large part of being at peace in a different situation.
Take this single time of life to develop and explore you. Try new things, new situations, new challenges, and new people. You never know what might happen.

People out doing interesting things are attractive to other people. It is really fun to meet new, great people who share hobbies and interests. It is fun to develop new interests. It is better when you meet people with shared interests, values (spiritual, family, and political beliefs) and goals. Challenge yourself in new directions and see what happens.

Keeping a journal has helped me in personal growth. Might that work for you?
I hope this is helpful.

N16351D Posts: 2,349
7/16/12 9:18 A

You might enjoy reading Steve Arterman's books, "Finding Mr.Right" and "Avoding Mr. Wrong". Both can be found at his counseling website, "New Life Live" under the heading, "store". More good resources that have been helpful to me have been "How People Grow" and "How People Love", also from the same resource.

In the first books, he talks about meeting Mr. Right. I hope this is helpful.

FUCHSIARASCAL Posts: 265
7/16/12 8:33 A

I know all too well how you feel, and if we were closer I'd totally hang out with you! I recently [well, a year ago] moved to an area that I don't know anybody in [it's close to where I grew up and a lot of my school friends still live, but not close enough for me to get without a car]. I was already sad about moving away from some really great friends, and further loneliness pushed me into some really deep depression. On top of that, I have social anxiety and the more time I spent by myself, the worst it got. To the point that last month, some friends were in town on tour and I had a panic attack before going to their show. My first time seeing friends, people who knew and loved me, in a year and I couldn't even handle that!

That was a wake-up call to me, though. I've always been awkward and ridden with social anxiety but I've never had a panic attack over seeing people I'd been friends with for years. If I kept this up, I knew that I'd be letting my anxiety take over my life and things would never improve. So, as hard as it is, I'm now making an effort to put myself into social situations. I started off slowly, just by joining a gym and interacting with the people I see there. Some days it would take me two or three hours to convince myself to go. But I always went, eventually. I also joined a couple meetups in the area, there aren't a lot of groups in the area but I found a cycling meetup, which I was really excited for. I actually just went to my first meetup with them yesterday and had a BLAST, although I was worried about being a stranger among a group of friends [they all welcomed me with open arms, though, and there were a few other people who were also new and by themselves]. I talked to a few people and got on friendly terms with them, and I'm looking forward to the next meetup.

I'm not interested in dating, I never really have been and I have way too much of "me" to work on anyway, but I'd start with finding an activity that you love and looking for like-minded people in the area. Even if you don't find a romantic connection, you'll make some friends, and they can always introduce you to their friends who might be a match.

EOWYN2424 Posts: 5,826
7/16/12 8:12 A

These are all very good suggestions! I think I will try to find a hobby group for myself!

WALIDGAZALA Posts: 8,106
7/16/12 7:47 A

The 1000 mile walk starts with a step

CAMEOSUN SparkPoints: (80,897)
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Posts: 10,101
7/16/12 7:37 A

emoticon For me...I just headed in the direction I wanted to go in life. At that time it was taking classes at the local community college & I was on a bowling team (all female) - - But we had fun bowling & it made me happy & that happiness attracts others (evidently). Met my spouse through a friend (blind date).

emoticon and ENJOY life -

...saying a prayer to meet the 'right one' helped also.






SUSANK16 Posts: 494
7/16/12 5:11 A

I agree with the Mariajestrada - just do the things you love, church, school, community service, all great places to meet people and have fun. Don't focus on finding a man focus on being the person you want to be, that way when you meet the right guy, he will know you when he sees you. It saves a lot of issues in the long run for you to be happy with who you are - prior to meeting your partner.

MARIAJESTRADA SparkPoints: (33,289)
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7/15/12 11:10 P

I am not a shy person by any means. But, I sucked at dating, and didn't get married until my late thirties. Now, I am 40 and if I am ever single again, I am joining a convent. But, back to how I met my man: I was doing things I loved and focusing on helping others (still do). I agree with everyone who says to give back and volunteer. Also, I was one of those people that went head over heels and crashed and burned in relationships. When I met my husband, I didn't change anything I was doing and none of my life was negatively disrupted. That was a huge sign that things were right. Hang in there and enjoy being single.

ROLLSTAR SparkPoints: (19,230)
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7/15/12 10:25 P

I think joining stuff the volleyball team you mentioned is the best idea. Just keep being friendly! I'm not really a very outgoing person, but when people start to talk to me, I try to take it and run with it. Just keep at it, and pretty soon you will make some more friends. Maybe set yourself a goal of just making small talk with someone each time you go. Join a few more of these social things. And the best--fake it til you make it! If you make yourself talk to people, even if it's just small talk, eventually you'll be more and more comfortable with it!

And it's like weight loss... it doesn't happen overnight and it's not always easy!

MOGENEO Posts: 328
7/15/12 9:59 P

i saw your title and i read over it, because i feel i am in a shell, and i am married! i was single for several several years. and i did alot of things.

but i am married now. many many kids. and i am in a shell.

i disagree w/"therapy".

TRILLIANTOO SparkPoints: (40,805)
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7/15/12 9:26 P

I'd suggest getting involved with some kind of group or groups that get together regularly.

You don't sound shy based on your post, you sound like me - nervous getting to meet people but just fine once I know you, feel comfortable & safe with you.

I've got friends now, for the first time since I was 9 years old. That was a long while back. What I did was started getting involved with things that truly interested me. I became involved in the activity, asked other people questions, started seeing people regularly, and then got to know them a little bit more over time.

One of the truly fascinating things for me is how many people I've met who overlap in these groups! I may meet them in a gardening group, but see them also at church, or at another group. Then we start really connecting and bonding.

It does take time. I started getting really out there and involved about 4 months ago, but actually initially went to those groups over a year ago. It's taken some time (a lot of that was chaotic people in my life I had to let go of), but it's been totally worthwhile.

I would suggest also looking into groups that might address your situation. I was in some group therapy around PTSD including rape trauma, and I've also gotten invovled in some 12 step groups that have related to working through my own issues.

Those groups are "work" not just play, but it is amazing how much fun and play, friendship and events, have evolved for me from that, not to mention the lightening of the "loads" so I find that I am becoming less shy.


JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (239,269)
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7/15/12 7:11 P

Understand that you are beautiful and that you are lovable. Remember this quote: "To be loved, make yourself lovable." Good luck and God bless you!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

MSPRUYT Posts: 9
7/15/12 6:50 P

I can relate to being shy as I used to be terribly uncomfortable in social situations and would cling to my friends. I discovered this was a crutch and I probably missed out on a lot of fun by not getting myself out there. You have to put yourself in normally uncomfortable situations to get comfortable. I believe that is true for anything in life that you truly want, career, love, friends, personal goals...

It will get easier in time. The best way to attract people is by being yourself. Everyone has something to offer someone as we all have unique qualities and our own strengths. Do what you enjoy and you will send off vibes that like-minded people will be attracted to as you are enjoying life and are happy in that environment.

Never feel that being single is a terrible thing. I was single for a year and a half before meeting my current boyfriend. I'm glad for that as I took the time to really get to know me and focus on my priorities and what I want in life. I attracted the right person this time because I'm confident and happy with myself.

Even just taking baby steps and staying for a bit at events to get used to "getting out there" helps.

I'm very glad you posted this question. I dig people that are honest with how they feel and reach out to others for advice/support.

Good luck to you!

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (65,115)
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7/15/12 6:40 P

Online Now  • ))
I just looked at the current pictures in your profile and I think that you are well within your rights to list yourself as "athletic." You don't look like "a few extra pounds" to me, even if you are not at your ideal weight quite yet.

Also, I've heard people say that different dating sites are really used for different purposes and that you may get responses on some but not others. Which one(s) are you using?

CATMAGNET SparkPoints: (38,973)
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7/15/12 6:39 P

I'm with Azulvioleta6 on the whole "but I don't want to go to events alone" crap. So what if it looks weird to people? And even if it does to other people, does it REALLY matter? Who cares what others think? Do you really just want to stay at home and let your life pass you by?

I've had to move a LOT in the course of my career, due to the specialized nature of my field. If I only did things with other people, I would have missed out on so much, including meeting a few pretty cute guys that I've hung out with at other events (there were dealbreakers there, so no dating, but still fun guys to hang out with).

So suck it up and if you want to go to something and you don't have anyone else to go with, GO ANYWAYS. Life is too short to be twiddling your thumbs at home all the time.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (65,115)
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7/15/12 6:32 P

Online Now  • ))
"I don't want to go to events alone, I think it looks weird. "

Well, you are never going to meet anybody unless you get out and DO things, so you may just have to get over that attitude. Besides, most people are so absorbed in themselves that they really aren't putting energy into judging you for being alone...and if they are...who cares?

I think that learning to dance is a great way to deal with this type of issue. It gives you poise and confidence and allows you to meet a lot of new people in a way that is physical without being overtly sexual. Dance can give you an almost instant community to tap into. Have you ever taken a salsa class? Even something like Zumba can be a great way to make new friends.

SUNONMAPLES SparkPoints: (6,511)
Fitness Minutes: (5,711)
Posts: 214
7/15/12 6:22 P

It's tough. I am a happily married "old lady" emoticon today, but I was single for a good number of years after I graduated from college, and I know it was hard, then, to meet really nice guys.

I see lots of good suggestions already made. You said your sisters and friends like your online profile. Would they ever take a night and go out with you somewhere for a drink, or coffee, or whatever? You wouldn't be alone, and you could still check guys out a little bit. Call it a "Girl's Night Out" and I would think they would like a change of routine, too!

I agree with those who said, do things that YOU really like doing. And, don't worry a lot about whether they are going to provide romantic prospects. I met most of the people that I dated when I was NOT thinking about "meeting someone." I still had to deal often with my parents (and some of their friends) making remarks about my single status. But I was happy, I was doing community work, I was working out, I was okay with if I did not find "the perfect mate."

If you do things you like to do, you should bump into other people who also like to do those things. Even if nothing romantic develops between you, you are likely to find good company.

Is there something, in particular, that you want to do but that you're scared to do, or that you tried this past week that made you feel really shy? Maybe you were just pushing yourself a bit too hard, and need to keep in mind you are not so much "all of 28" as you are "just 28."

I was 32 when I got married -- and only a few years before that I think I had sworn off dating. So things can, and do, change sometimes when you least expect it!

BTW you don't sound shy in your post. And shy can be perfectly charming, so try not to worry too much about that!

Sun

N16351D Posts: 2,349
7/15/12 6:07 P

I would suggest start by giving. Find people who need you and give to them from your time, treasure, or talent- your choice. Children need caring adults and that connects you with single parents and other families - some who have dating prospects in their groups. Or maybe you'll choose a group with shared hobbies; music, drama, other arts or crafts, cooking classes, etc. You can meet great people that way.

Smile. Smile when you see people wherever you are- at they gym, on the street, the store, etc.

Good luck

CATMAGNET SparkPoints: (38,973)
Fitness Minutes: (51,134)
Posts: 1,183
7/15/12 5:35 P

I would say do things that interest you. Check out www.meetup.com and see what's out there in your community of groups of people that share the same interests as you. No guarantees that you'll meet anyone that is relationship material, but you'll at least go out, socialize, meet some new people and have fun.

Yeah, being in a relationship is all fine and good, but it's not the be all and end all. Why not just focus on enjoying yourself, and just seeing who you meet? Online dating for the most part is just a virtual bar scene anyways with too much BS and game playing.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (142,818)
Fitness Minutes: (213,690)
Posts: 20,963
7/15/12 4:02 P

Hey, Angie ! Yeah, dating these days isn't easy. I could write volumes of my own experiences with online dating. try being in your 40s and dating ! LOL !!!

Here's what I tell women who feel pressure to be in a relationship or married,"you are not an incomplete person because you're not married or dating". There is a misconception that a woman must be miserable because she isn't with someone. I can assure you that there are plenty of happy single people out there of both sexes. Why didn't we get married ? lots of different reasons. Being single doesn't make us less of a person or an incomplete one. Get to my age and you'll be called "damaged goods".

Don't assume something is wrong with you because you're not dating. Meeting that right person at any age is hard. What are different ways to meet people ? Have you ever considered doing some volunteer work ? a friend of mine recommended this group to me. It's how he met his current girlfriend.


www.singlevolunteers.org/

There are listings for each state. Do you enjoy helping people ? If so, this is a place where you can meet like minded people. You get to do something good for someone else AND you get to meet other singles. It's a way to mix and mingle and do the right thing.

What sort of things do you like ? Presumably, you want to meet a person who has similar interests ? If you like art and museums, take a museum tour. If you're literary, join a book club. If you enjoy cycling, join a bike club. If you don't meet someone, no problem. You still get to enjoy the book club, cycle club or whatever.

Do something that helps you become a better you. Because the first thing a person has to do to find someone, is learn to love themselves. If you don't love yourself, no one else will.


Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 7/15/2012 (16:04)
I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
7/15/12 3:52 P

I also say counseling first. Yes, you encountered a bad situation, but besides that I think there is hidden reasons as well.

ANGEL1066 SparkPoints: (70,701)
Fitness Minutes: (92,818)
Posts: 2,267
7/15/12 3:38 P

When I was nearer your age and still single, I lived near a college that sponsored many activities open to the community. I attended a folk dancing group, birdwatching club, weekly yoga, swam twice a week at college pool, attended many music concerts and movie showings, all for a quite small fee or no fee at all. I also took community classes such as painting, pottery making, introduction to the computer and others for a reasonable fee plus materials. I joined a bible study group at my church, and a young adults group, both free. All helped me make friends and become more active socially. College bulletin boards, especially in the student union, plus their newspapers, list their events and tell which are open to the public and whether a fee is charged. Adult education programs, community recreation and athletic centers publish their activities, and you can call them for information. Any church worth its salt will welcome you. Spark has many geographically based groups that sponsor events you can attend and meet friends on the same journey to better health - check for a group from your home state or city and check out its activities. Don't look too hard for a love interest at first. Concentrate on making friends with common interests. In good time, one of these friendships may ripen into something much more.

KNUCKLES145 Posts: 13,389
7/15/12 12:03 P

I am in my fifties and am dating again. hated it when I was younger, hating it now. :)

I have tried several online dating sites over the past 3 years with NO luck at all. Have pretty much given up on that.

my best suggestion is to find group activities that you like and start doing them. like maybe a hiking group, or a bowling league, church or volunteering. you might not find somebody to date right away, but you might at least make some single friends

PARKERB2 SparkPoints: (129,515)
Fitness Minutes: (68,075)
Posts: 12,065
7/15/12 11:34 A

Sometimes we need help to realize what's really going on.

KALLIE1958AR SparkPoints: (19,722)
Fitness Minutes: (355)
Posts: 1,884
7/15/12 11:28 A

yes Counseling

ANELAKANOA Posts: 4,221
7/15/12 11:21 A

So I have had a very rough week! Very emotional and stressed out! A lot of it has to do with insecurities and my lack of a social life/dating life.

Most of my friends are married and have kids, don't get me wrong I do enjoy going to barbeques at their houses, the zoo with them and other "family" type events. Sometimes though it would be nice to have more single friends. People I can do "single" type things with.

My dating life sucks! I can't meet anyone at work or through my friends (I've tried). I have never been in a serious relationship and I'm 28. When I was 20 I was almost raped and it scared me pretty badly. With therapy I've gotten better but I have a lot of trust issues with guys and am afraid when things get intimate. I do want a boyfriend but I just need to meet someone and feel extremely comfortable with them before I can open up.

I've been on an online dating site for a month and have yet to be on a date. It is hard because I feel guys are too picky on those sites. I list my body type as a few extra pounds and my longest relationship as under 1 year ( I don't want to lie) and I think that hurts me. I'm not an ugly person and I think my profile sounds pretty good. Even my sister and friends think it sounds great!

I just don't know how to get out and make new friends or meet guys? I don't want to go to events a lone, I think it looks weird. I've tried looking on meetup to join groups but most aren't that active. I even joined a recreational volleyball team this summer but I'm so shy.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can become more social? Things I can do to meet people?


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