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CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
11/24/12 9:48 A

wow, what a brutal situation.
Hope you can pick yourself up and move on, and continue on your healthy journey with your head held high - regardless of your current weight, marital situation, or anything else.

Take care

GRAPHICS2 Posts: 3,841
11/23/12 10:20 P

You are worth everything you do for yourself. I am sure it is difficult for you now especially you were codependent., but with time and the effort to get beyond this, you will make it. emoticon emoticon

Edited by: GRAPHICS2 at: 11/23/2012 (22:21)
KWOOD1955 SparkPoints: (31,325)
Fitness Minutes: (18,993)
Posts: 9,111
11/23/12 7:25 P

Sounds like your are moving forward -- good for you! Stay strong!

DAWNLOGA Posts: 242
11/22/12 10:24 P

I really hope he stays out of your life - you and your kids don't need unhappiness in your lives.
Take joy in your children, joy in the fact that you are losing weight for yourself, not to keep anyone around who doesn't appreciate you.
I have been divorced for 6 years, and I'm happy! I focus on my kids and myself - started at a gym, dropped my A1C down to normal levels, and am totally looking forward to my first grandchild. Did it all without depending on a man to make me happy. If I meet someone, I'm ok with it. If I don't, I'm ok with that too. its my time, as it is yours, to shine. Grab life and do it!

N16351D Posts: 2,349
11/22/12 7:57 P

You are not alone. My first husband was a liar, cheat, and abusive. He was that way with his second wife, also. I was crushed when he became involved in infidelity. My self-image took a nosedive straight to the bottom when I was with him, and for a few years after I left him, my first smart move. That was in 1979.

Then I almost married a controlling, manipulative man. But I talked it out in a safe place with wise counsel, and when I felt, "suffocated", I knew I had to abandon that relationship. That was my second smart move.

Counseling saved me. I cannot recommend it highly enough. I learned about myself, my family, and about relationships with men. I learned that I had permission to be angry with the guy who hurt me, and also where, when, and how to express it so that I remained respectful to others.

Suggest you open yourself up to anything offered in your community that helps people grow. Start with the book, "How People Grow" by Townsend and Cloud. A church program had a "People Helpers" class and another church had a class which focused on listening skills. As I sought my lifelong dream of helping others, I found the help I needed for myself. I discovered that as I got my emotional and spiritual self together, the physical part fell into place. I have not had a weight problem for decades, but I do have to exercise and watch what I eat!

Go out and learn. Take college courses to gain marketable skills, and to learn about yourself. You are better off without a controlling man.

WHICHHATTODAY SparkPoints: (24,982)
Fitness Minutes: (3,821)
Posts: 25
11/21/12 10:37 P

Been there, done that - you are better off. I wasted nearly seven years married to a manipulative, esteem-smashing control-freak.

I was advised wisely by my landlord shortly after my first husband and I split - I will pay it forward and share it with you...

"The best revenge is to live your life well and focus on making yourself a better person."

Best of luck! You have an awesome support system here on Spark!

DMJAKES Posts: 1,607
11/21/12 1:34 P

I agree with Jenni and the others.....good riddance to him, I say!

You MUST realize that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and consideration, and someone who's emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

Invest in yourself by going to some counseling sessions---they'll help you see the bigger picture and you'll know what to avoid when you start dating again. In the meantime, focus on yourself!

IMELECTRIC SparkPoints: (13,794)
Fitness Minutes: (9,846)
Posts: 517
11/21/12 10:39 A

I couldn't have said it better JENNILACEY

emoticon emoticon

JENNILACEY SparkPoints: (77,176)
Fitness Minutes: (72,994)
Posts: 2,489
11/20/12 10:38 A

I think the elephant in the room (and I'll just say it because I'm rather blunt) is; it sounds like you're better off.

If it were me, I'd get lost in the world of healthy eating and exercise and concentrate on building up my self-confidence. Make this time about repairing *me*; mind, body and soul. So that when I'm good and ready I can land a real gem. A partner that will respect me and be an improvement from ex.

I know it's difficult not to feel like it's your fault because you changed physically from when you first met but it's not. We all change from when we first get married, even if it's just aging. So what? If you grow old, that justifies him trading you in for a younger model? Absolutely not, right!? It's him, not you.

And in controlling relationships there are aspects of abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as (if not more) damaging than physical abuse. So I would highly recommend some therapy to help gain back what self-esteem you've lost. When in an abusive relationship it's hard to see the forest for the trees but take a few steps back and you'll see it for what it is (personal experience). Then, returning will not be an option.

I know it may sound a little corny but it always helps me when I'm feeling down about anything, create play list of songs that represent how you *want* to feel. Like songs with lyrics about being independent, strong, confident. Then whenever you're feeling low just plug it in and I find it instantly changes my perception and mood.
Like that one Beyonce song, you need to "upgrade him". Of course, once you take time to reconnect with yourself. Beyonce actually has some great songs about indepence, positive self-esteem, strength and confidence.

Edited by: JENNILACEY at: 11/20/2012 (11:54)
NANCYPAT1 Posts: 48,892
11/20/12 9:21 A

HUGS going out to you. I have to tell you the PROBLEM WAS HIS and was NOT about you. Your gaining/not losing weight from fear is a common situation with domineering and controlling men who accuse their wives of cheating when they look good and demean them when they gain weight.

Weight does NOT make you who you are or determine your value. I have had men attracted to me when I weighed 130 pounds and 350+ pounds. I am no gorgeous chick but I have noticed that there are men and women who get together, stay together and who get divorced who are classic BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (Tom Cruise and Katie Perry??) and who look like something the dog dragged in. Weight is far too often used as an EXCUSE on the part of both others and ourselves to explain, excuse, or get out of doing or being our best.

You are probably better off out of the relationship BUT don't have any illusions that it will NOT BE PAINFUL ANYHOW. Pain is simply a part of LIFE and we learn to adjust and rebuild after devastating things like that. My ex-husband told people I was not REALLY taller than he was (I am an inch taller) but I LOOKED THAT WAY BECAUSE I WAS FAT - I weighed 130 when I was with him. Idiots come in both sexes and in all forms, but controlling and hateful is pretty painful EVEN when the person is WRONG.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (138,465)
Fitness Minutes: (33,284)
Posts: 21,857
11/19/12 7:23 P

Hi - I am sending you BIG hugs in the hope that you feel well supported! XXXX

I am sorry that your husband has left you, and that he was so controlling that your esteem has taken a nose-dive! Please know that you are NOT a " fat ass slob that doesn't deserve his attention." He sounds like he has a few issues of his own to deal with. It also sounds to me like you could do with some therapy to help you with your emotions, and possibly grief, too. Grieving the loss of your marriage - grieving the loss of your health. I read your SparkPage and see that you have a lot to contend with. I would suggest that you make an appointment with your Dr and explain what has happened and your feelings. He/she can make a referral to a Therapist for you to help you through this.

Because of your medical conditions including Brittle Bones, please ask for a referral to a Physiotherapist to ensure that whatever you do for exercise, it is safe for you, AND that you do it safely. If possible, a Dietitian would be very helpful also, because once again, you have medical conditions that could benefit significantly from that input.

Not wanting to make serious moves in your life yet is good. At times like this it is better to slow down and think things through rather than just react. I wish you well in finding a job, and that your children settle in to the new routines and situation well. I know that it CAN be difficult for them, but often with the right support they are far more resilient that we give them credit for. I had a look at their photos and have to say that they look absolutely adorable :-)

I wish you well in regaining your self esteem, health and happiness.
Take care,
Kris xx

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 11/20/2012 (17:31)
DONITA Posts: 543
11/19/12 12:54 P

I am completely heart broken But...
I have had a very hard time losing weight because he was so controlling and manipulative that I was actually afraid to lose weight. When I was thin, he accused me of sleeping with the whole neighborhood. I could stop traffic on a quiet street. Hehehehe.
Now, I am free to lose weight and wear whatever clothes that I want to wear. I can wear sexy clothes to the grocery store. I don't want to do it to pick up a man or even a woman. I want to do it to simply feel pretty. If I get good attention, that is a bonus. I am not ready to make any serious moves in my life yet I have to find a job quickly and establish new routines for the kids.
When we got married, I was 110 pounds beauty. Now, I feel like a 180 pound fat ass slob that doesn't deserve his attention.
I forgive him. I hope that he gets over this midlife crisis soon. He was caught making out with a curvy red head that resembles Christina Hendricks. AAAHHHHHH. He didn't sleep with her. She rejected him. So poetic. Isn't it? But while he is away, I am going to rebuild myself and prepare for the future with or without him.

I know that I have been codependent with his controlling butt. I know that I have to rebuildmy self esteem but I am working on it. Loosing 8 ounds in 2 weeks helps. Of course, I lost it because I was so depressed that I didn't eat for days. But I will accept the win when I can get it. I am down 1 pant size so I have more clothes from the top of the closet that fit for job interviews. Yeah, me!



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