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MIAMIRN SparkPoints: (81,397)
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2/16/14 11:54 P


I just want to say, you don't deserved to be mistreated like this. You may have your faults, we all do, but there is no reason for him treating you like this. You sound like a woman that is wounded and hurting. From my RN, nursing experience, I would seek help from your church and or social service agency, hospital outpatient mental health department. Especially seek help and support ASAP at some online and phone line crisis site.. What you have described in your post is "sexual abuse" or "sexual assault" It is physical, by virtue that he is denying you loving sex and verbal, by saying demeaning things that are hurtful to you. . Even if you are overweight there is no reason for abuse! He is responsible for his own actions, not you. Don't try to change him. Do try to seek assistance and support, even if you are scared to do so. Here are some very supportive links I am familiar with:

Don't be afraid of getting support, be afraid of not getting support. Most of all be safe!

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FITMOMMY1836 SparkPoints: (17,684)
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Posts: 191
2/15/14 9:02 P

If a guy loves you he can look past the pounds... I gained over 100 while with my husband, still got 80 lbs to lose and he loves me not matter what although he would like me to get healthy. Your ex by now I hope sounds like a shallow loser. Good riddance.

DAWNOFMELANIE SparkPoints: (14,967)
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Posts: 41
1/29/14 9:03 A

This is more than 2 months later, now.

I hope you found some happiness, Jules. Being made to feel like everything wrong in a relationship is YOUR fault is a terrible, horrible place to be. I hope you are learning to love yourself, and are thriving.

Be Well.

RUNNING-TURTLE SparkPoints: (91,106)
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Posts: 2,432
1/27/14 1:33 P

Sounds like he is just plain garbage Jules. He was just looking for an excuse to dump you. I'm sorry your love is doing that. But obviously it doesn't deserve a wonderful person like you. Keep your head up, and I'm sure you will find the right one, one that don't care what size you are, your looks, or anything else for that matter. One that will love you for the whole you. Jobs especially travel jobs, or sit down jobs tend to not aid towards keeping weight off. Most people gain weight each year, as they get older and move less. Try to find a new thing to do to keep your mind off of unhealthy eating when you are upset, you are worth every bit of it.

*hugs* We all believe in you. You deserve so much better.

KILYGE70 Posts: 48
1/24/14 9:20 P

It sounds like this guy just wanted to leave. We have to try and remember we cannot control how others feel or their choices. For some, they use other people as an excuse to justify their actions. I've been dumped before. An 11 year relationship and a dear Jane letter set me back a bit. I was depressed and felt hopeless. Now 9 years later I am happier than ever. I've found love again, which you will too if you allow yourself the opportunity.
Your weight is something you will need to work on without adding stress of rejection which only makes your body's hormones work against you. People are beautiful in their own ways and in their own sizes. Yes, this site is a place where we gather to try and get healthy and lose weight. Use the tools which are here. Track your food and fitness. Read the abundant information on health. Reach out like you did for support. Most of all DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF because this person did a @#$!% to you. He would have left anyway and it could have been a few more years wasted in an unhealthy relationship. I know its tough, because rejection sends us soooo many negative messages about our worth. I don't know you but I can say without a doubt YOU ARE WORTH IT! Take this journey for yourself. Really use this time to examine what you put in your body and how you move it. Your body might be use to the routine--exercise/sports you've been doing so shake it up. Add some yoga or dance. Look at the food--what are you REALLY eating? As you see progress you'll gain confidence. Confidence is sexy at any size :-)
The relationship you find in the future will help you to be more selective and appreciative--take it from a fellow "sister" who thought it was the end of the world only to find true bliss. I believe in you!

PIZZIEHL Posts: 11
1/24/14 6:09 P

I gained 80 lbs and while the sex became less frequent, my husband never left nor threatened to leave. This guy had other issues and picked an easy target. Good riddance. Be happy with you, and the other stuff will sort itself. Best wishes to you!

LINDALEA1170 Posts: 149
1/21/14 1:29 P

Thank you so much for reaching out Salam4545....I feel EXACTLY like I have PTSD. And YES!! Subconsciously that was the one thing I that could control was what I ate, and I ate after he went to bed. I relaxed by myself, eating and watching TV so I could cope. No wonder exercising and eating right all day didn't help. I was caught in a vicious cycle.
I have not thought about my body in over two weeks. I just put my clothes on and go. I don't feel the need to hide myself or pull on my clothes to cover up. My sister is the most awesome human being on the planet. She listens to me say the same things over and over again, knowing that I have to get it all out. I wish you well on your journey - God bless!

SALAM4545 Posts: 1,366
1/20/14 10:55 P

Hi _SingForLife_ I just wanted to reply because I identify so closely with you. I spent a lot of years with an emotionally abusive man, and only left when it started getting really scary for my kids & me. I ended up in a domestic violence safe house, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. After years of questioning why I chose such bad foods, I realized that it was the only way I could defy him. I hope your sister is loving and supportive and uncritical, so you can be given room to blossom, and I wish you well in this journey you are about take.

BIGBONED8 SparkPoints: (2,094)
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Posts: 26
1/17/14 1:04 P

Show him the door. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you deserve better.

REGINAM78 SparkPoints: (2,450)
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Posts: 40
1/15/14 10:48 A

If he defend his love to you through your looks!!! you better off with out him, trust me he did you a favor. love your self and your children. In a marriage you have to LIVE NOT SURVIVE!!! Be strong, you deserve better... keep your head up!!

LINDALEA1170 Posts: 149
1/14/14 8:37 A

It's a hard thing to be on the other end of such unacceptance. For the last 19 years of marriage, I have been bullied about my weight. It may be worse if they stay and deride you about your weight, rather than leave the situation. I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder - we have been on vacations where he "punished" me for being overweight. This past summer we went to an amusement park as our vacation for two days. He walked so fast through the park, my thighs were literally rubbed raw and my feet hurt so bad I could only limp at the end of the day. There was no sympathy or empathy. He was harsh and cruel, and I ended up in tears at one point sitting on a railing outside the bathroom because he could just not stand the way I looked. I've been told to do situps 6 times a day and work out 5. I know that these are necessary things, but the manner in which I was treated really made me subconsciously do the opposite. I have not had much control over things in our relationship, and actually was told we were "done" the day after my birthday...New Year's Day. The last 19 years have been all for my little family I love so much. I am happy to say that I am out, and living with my sister. It is hard to not have anything but peace of mind when you are over 40, but I am getting stronger every day.

LOVINGLIFE45 Posts: 209
1/11/14 10:38 A

4 years ago my husband left me for the same good riddance to him.
It may be hard for you now but something or someone better is coming. Have faith!

DAKKOTAXX SparkPoints: (11,609)
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1/7/14 9:54 A

I am sorry, but you are better off without him. If he really loved you, it wouldn't matter to him. He is clearly too superficial.

I've lost and gained weight over the two years I've been with my husband, he has never said a word unless I mention it first, and he doesn't care.

You will find someone who loves you for you. Just do what you need to do to be happy, and the rest will fall into place.

1/6/14 7:43 P

I am sorry your are feeling hurt. Thank god he is leaving before the wedding vows otherwise it would both hurt and cost so much more.

I am not saying this to be mean I swear but If he has "stopped" Loving you a year ago he is most likely leaving because he found another woman he thinks he has a shot with. Otherwise he would have done it sooner.

Although I know this may stop the hurt now one day you will be happy and GLOW thin or thick and he will know what he lost and it will be too late for him. And when his sorry but comes around you will wonder what you saw in him because you will be so much stronger than you are now. xoxoxo

BEHAPPY24-7 Posts: 30
1/6/14 3:31 P

Don't waste any more time on that guy! There is someone out there for you, that will love you for who you are and appreciate all your hard work!!

MYSPECIALKS SparkPoints: (50,234)
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1/5/14 10:52 A

I have been thin n fit and chunky and "big" husband always loved me and told me I look good....I think this just isn't the right Guy for YOU!! Don't put any credit in his words because if it is weight and looks he becomes happy with he must be shallow!! Chin up..take care of you- do for yourself..and move on sweetie!

MARGOLIS Posts: 86
12/13/13 11:00 P

Hi Jules,

First of all, hugs. Breaking up is hard to do.

Second, thank your lucky stars! If he wants to go, then let him go. You deserve better than a man that only values the numbers on your scale. Part of the wedding vows is "in sickness or in health" and if he's behaving in this manner just because of a few extra pounds, then I shudder to think how he would be in a real medical crisis.

ROXYCARIN SparkPoints: (95,965)
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12/12/13 1:03 A

I gained 100 lbs when I was pregnant, my husband never said anything about it. I lost it in less than year he didn't say anything about that either. When love is unconditional you focus on what really matters like health and safety of you and loved ones. He did you a huge favor, life is just too short.

FALLENLEAVES28 SparkPoints: (1,267)
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Posts: 175
12/8/13 11:09 A

How can someone be so mean.
He has issues. Otherwise how the hell can you be so mean to someone? If what you described is true he doesn't sound understanding, loyal, or kind. He sounds cruel, nasty, and negative. Nothing would make me want to stay with someone like that.

My boyfriend has a beautiful physique and I do not. In the relationship I am the one always putting myself down.But he has never said anything to to me. He doesn't think I need to loose weight. He actually forces me to eat. He is so kind and gentle. He tells me all the time that he choose me for my humanity.
There are people out there like him! Please you do not need some artificial conditioned human. You, and everybody, needs someone who just loves you! YOU are worth it. YOU were not created to serve someone and be treated with no respect or love. YOU deserve love and happiness!

Please stay away from this negative person.

DYANE357 Posts: 260
11/23/13 6:41 P

Hey Jules,
From what you wrote it seems that not only is this guy the wrong person for you, he is trying to sabotage you and the success you have been getting from your job. Clearly, the fault is all his but he wants to make himself feel better by blaming you for his problems. Sounds like you are moving up in life and he isn't. You are a success and he is just a hater. He's leaving? Good!

This is the best thing that could've happened for you! It is going to be fantastic to NOT have this verbally abusive jerk around! Imagine ridding yourself of this guy so the wonderful, supportive, loving man God has waiting for you can arrive!

By the way, I noticed in your post that you write "he loved me," and 'he stopped loving me' but you never once write that YOU loved HIM. You said he was a good guy. I have had a lot of friends who do everything they can to get a guy to like/love them without ever considering if THEY like him. Forget him, Jules! Life is waiting for you!!!!!! God Bless

AGNES13 Posts: 2,508
11/20/13 3:46 P

I'm sorry to say but he is not the right person for you. Love is unconditional. I've gained weight with both pregnancies and have been struggling to lose it. My husband has never made me feel fat. He loves me for who I am. That's the person you need to be with.
Seems like you are an emotional eater. I'm the same way. Keep a food journal and just try to eat better. If you are uncomfortable with your weight then do something about it but for yourself and not your fiancé. If he leaves you then you are better off. You can find someone who truly loves you for you.

SUNSET09 SparkPoints: (503,395)
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Posts: 126,377
11/9/13 8:27 A

He just needed an excuse to leave you as when someone really loves you, it is unconditional. You deserve better and this is just God's way of saying, I have someone for you who will love you as He does. Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. Maybe now, you can love yourself for who you are and not for what someone wants you to be. My ex-husband told me the same thing and left me for other reasons and I'm much better for it! Start a journal of when and what you eat as you already know the cause. Track it on the food tracker and use it for your benefit. You are Woman, here you roar! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

JULESMAY8 SparkPoints: (9)
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Posts: 3
11/8/13 10:29 P

Hi...I'm new here, and I never posted a question or anything before,,,...but I need some inspiration, some advice.

I was always chubby. Round, full figured. I'm 5'5 or 165cm. I was always a size 14 or 12. I met my fiancé 6 years ago and he did everything for me,we did everything for each other. I started running. I ran two marathons. I lost 10kgs, or 20lbs. I was amazingly well shaped, for being me. A size 8, or 36 eu size. My bf still thought I was a bit too chubby, but he loved me and supported me. Went jogging with me and so on.

Then, I started my new job and I had to travel a lot. Two years later I had gained weight, 10kgs or 20 lbs. I tried so hard, I did so much, but never seemed to lose more than a few pounds. So I did lipo on my stomach l which didn't do much,p besides sucking off 2lbs or 1,5kgs,,

So my guy stopped having sex with me. Started getting mean. Would look at me in disgust if we had an argument. Said he didnt want to marry me until I lost weight. I don't try hard. I don't know why. I work out a lot, I play soccer three times a week. I go jogging once. But I eat very unhealthy, it's like the worse things get in my relationship, the more junk I need to eat.

And tonight he came home, said I had been deadweight in his life for the past year and that he was so disgusted by my physical. He also said that I was a lovely person, but that he wanted to move on, he is young - we are both 29- and he wants to be with a woman as fit as he is, not a fat person like me.

I don't know when he stopped loving me. I don't know why things changed, was it because of the weight gain or is this weight disgust because he stopped loving me? I am so angry at myself for ruining my life by letting my body go. I don't know what to do. I leave on a two week business trip tomorrow and I think he will be gone when I'm back. He used to be so nice. He is a good guy. Just not now, to me.

It hurts badly and I wish someone could tell me what to do, because I am afraid to let go and I don't know what's right. If anyone reads this and wants to give a helping hand, speak up.

Thank you and good luck to all of you,

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