You can't motivate him, he has to motivate himself. Encourage him to go on walks with you, provide healthy food options, have him come join us here at SparkPeople, etc. In other words, communicate your feelings and help make his transformation as easy as possible. Aside from that live your life and have fun. If he wants to stay a part of your life he's going to have to step it up, pure and simple.
Fitness Minutes: (48,403)
30 5/19/11 7:35 A
jmac263, you come to the right place for the other view. yes we are all different and different things push our start buttons. like in the Spark book he worked out and just something sparked others around him, that is the base of what needs to happen. i completed 20 years in the military and i am tired of all the running, but i still do it today because i know it is what i need to do. one comment that would motivate me would be from jcatoe comment about being more flirty, my own wife is on this journey with me, and i look forward to a time when she will become confident in herself and she would do that. keep your spark you are doing the right thing.
Fitness Minutes: (4,824)
110 5/19/11 12:04 A
The trick is to get your message across indirectly. Forcing him or pressing the subject will back fire, or if somehow you do succeed, it's only temporarily because it is based on influences other than his own (you don't want to build a house on a cardboard box foundation). I would ask yourself first, what were YOUR factors/motivators that, if even just a little bit, got the ball rolling on making better decisions. Then try to find a ways to get those messages indirectly to him. He would then himself have to make the decision to start getting fit.
Not going to lie, I think using sex and jealousy as tools does get a man motivated; He might resent you for the moments you have to punish him, but would be a happier, healthier person who would love you for the journey you put him though.
Fitness Minutes: (80,607)
4,521 5/18/11 10:49 P
My perspective. If my wife tried to tell me what to do or how to do it I would dig my heels in and resist. If she told me she was concerned about my health I would listen. If I saw her getting fit I might follow. I think it is awkward to run with my wife. Both of us are worried that we are slowing or speeding someone up over their regular pace. What motivates me is watching some athletes. Wide receivers making amazing breakout runs and catches. Running backs plowing through a defensive wall. Images of fit women motivates me. Just sayin.
I agree with Bill. "Trying" to motivate someone is like trying to push a rope. It just gets frustrating. Set the best example you can by your actions and keep inviting him (politely) to join you. At some point, he might just do that and surprise you.
Here's what you do: ask him to take you to a dance club. If he says no then go with some girlfriends. If he goes have him dance with you as often as possible and if not then ask other guys to dance with you (let's hope by now his insecurity awareness is heightened). If he doesn't go ask guys or let guys ask you to dance.
This isn't about cheating, it's about getting what you want. You say you want him thinner then get him mostived and believe you me, THIS WILL GET HIM MOTIVATED!!!!!!
Or you couldthe fluffy-duffy ways and see how that works.
Brewmasterbill hit the nail on the head. You can't force someone to exercise, and if you feel you are trying to motivate that is fine, but it is not what you say it is what he hears. You may think you are being positive, but he may feel as though you are attacking him. So just stay on your path and hopefully he will understand someday about the whole situation and meet you on that path!
I'm not in a relationship, but I know from personal experiences that change did not happen until I hit rock bottom. I realized that I was on the road for multiple not nice disease processes that I did not want to deal with before I was 30.
Fitness Minutes: (12,713)
4,110 5/6/11 9:45 A
Allow me to break the bad news, it is highly unlikely that you'll motivate him. There is probably nothing you can say, nothing you can do, no hint, no direct statement, nothing. Just because you decided that you wanted to change doesn't mean he is obligated to follow. If you try, he might follow you for awhile, begrudgingly ... and ultimately you'll do more harm than good as he loathes this forceful change.
Get off of his back and just lead by example. Keep doing what you're doing, get good results and when it comes time for him to want this, he'll have a great source of information and huge knowledge base in you to draw from.
It sounds that you enjoy outdoors. Fishing isn't very active. Neither is 4 wheeling. Running is a hard place to start. Could you start a hiking hobby? If you have kids, maybe introduce it as a "Family activity". If not, just plan it as a fun day that you two get to spend together outdoors. DO NOT say anything about it being good for him or about it being exercise. If he goes, make it an AWESOME day. Be fun, be flirty, be sexy Have a ton of fun together. Make sure that it is something he will look forward to. Get him hooked to go the next weekend. It is a great place to start.
Then all you can do is ask him what will it take for him to start working out with you.. Because you love him and want him to live a long healthy life together...
Fitness Minutes: (855)
99 5/5/11 3:16 P
ok let me reword this we enjoy all this stuff but he would much rather set infront of the TV. Fishing happens only in the summer and maybe one night a week and bowling only happens in the winter 2 nights a week... He works at a hospital so he eats there everday. I know that he has seen what being overweight can be like for someone i dont know why he wouldnt want to help him self expecially since his dad found out 6 months ago that he is diabetic so it runs in the family!
so it sounds likeyou guys keep active... so its not that hes sitting in front of the tv from when he gets home from work, until its time to go to bed. So is it his diet? Does he eat alot of fast food? what type of work does he do?
Fitness Minutes: (855)
99 5/5/11 2:55 P
he wasnt over weight when I met him, it seemed like the longer we were together the more he gained. We split up for 3 months and lost 10 to 15 pounds. which he has gained back plus some. As far as doing activites he likes, I started bowling with him 2 nights a week because he has been on bowling leagues since he was 4. I bought a 4 wheeler and go 4 wheeler riding with him. I fish with him. The plus side is I actually enjoy those things too so it doesnt bother me, and I help him in the yard as well.
Our meal schedule is a little hectic I work part time and full time so I am not always home, I have been cooking better foods but I think the problem is that he eats to much!!
He was in wrestling and cross country in high school so I know he knows how to lose weight. His reasoning for not running with me is that he did it so much then that he doesnt want to do it now. Fine i get that but i offered to pay for a membership to the gym so he could lift and that was a failure as well.
I know, I know men and sex is like peanut butter and jelly but giving him sex isnt going to make him be healthy lol well in the perspective that I am referring too!
Was he overweight before you married him? If he has all ways been overweight there might be some problems from his youth that he masks with food...
What kind of activities does he like to do? Find things that he likes to do and join him. The more he is up and about the less time he will spend veging out at home, also it will make him feel good that you are taking interest in him. And the better he feels about himself he might get motivated.
Maybe you can make a deal with him, for example if e likes fishing say you will go fishing with him this weekend if he will goon a hike with you the next.
Do you prepare his meals? If so prepare more of the veggies, less of the carbs and bad things.. Or just make less of the meals.
If he is a food addict like any other addiction you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to climb out of it. And he wont change until he is ready to change.
And what jcatoe said is true. Sex is a great motivator when it comes to men....
Wise of you to come get advice. Getting motivated to get healthy can be a difficult choice to make. Fear of failure is huge. While it is great that you have made that choice, obviously your hubby isn't there yet. All the nagging in the world will not help until HE decides he needs to do it. I have tried to respond to your post with his perspective in mind.
"So I need the opinion of a male, I have been working out and eating healthier for almost a year now, my lifestyle has changed and I really enjoy it."
Good for you. Has it been an individual endeavor? Are you doing things that he could do with you? Maybe it's not running, maybe it's starting by going for a walk with a sly "bet you can't catch me" thrown in here or there as you to are enjoying the time together. Maybe it's yard work outside. Not to say you should have to give up what you are doing, but be open to ways to include him.
Also, it is highly possibly that in your effort to improve, he feels left out. While sounding childish, is he jealous? Does he resent the time you spend? Do you make time for exercising but often put him to the back burner? I have seen way too many women that find time for housework, for jobs, for children, for church, for shopping, for their favorite TV show, etc. only to tell hubby later that "I'm too tired." I know, I know, it is kind of a "needy" thing but many guys resent other things their wife does if their own needs aren't being met. We live in a society that preaches to us "look out for yourself" and "I deserve some ME time", but that doesn't always make for a good marriage if both parties aren't on board. If you want him to get healthier, be willing to carefully examine this and don't chalk it up to immaturity or he should just deal with it.
"My problem how ever is my husband, he is over weight and unhealthy I have tried nicely telling him he needs to eat less or ask him to join me for a run and he has no interest."
Again, try something besides running. And no matter how nicely you SAY it, there is no easy way for him to HEAR it. Men live for praise, love, and respect from their wives. Kind of like dogs. Give us the occasional pat on the head and we just eat it up. He already knows he is overweight and out of shape. He doesn't want to hear you tell him that. He wants to hear from you how wonderful he is. He wants to hear how much you love him. He wants to hear how much you want him. And here is the part that is hard to do. If you want him to be a fit healthy man, you are going to have to treat him like one even though he may be a complete slob. I know that sounds weird, but while only he can decide to get healthy, you have tremendous power over that choice if you go about it the right way. treat him the way you want him to be and there's a good chance he will move mountains to live up to it if you show him the love and respect he is craving. He already knows how you feel now, so you may have to try extra hard now to get beyond his doubt. Most men really want to please their wives. In that sly feminine way that women can be masterful at, get the "I want you Healthy" part across without the words and without the judgement. Let him know that you love him for who he is now and in doing so he just might become the man that you want him to be.
"I feel myself worrying about his health"
While this may be truth, it is also a good cover story for "I don't want him getting/being fat." I bet I know which way your husband takes it.
"and he doest seem to care," He does care, but he is afraid. Afraid he can't do it. Afraid that you see him as a failure. Afraid of trying and failing and looking even worse. Afraid that you don't love him the way he is.
"How do I get him Motivated?!?" YOU can't motivate him. Motivation is an internal thing. Just
" another problem is its almost un attracting, i have got to get past this problem!! Help"
This isn't just "another" problem, it is one of the main problems. I don't presume to tell you how you should feel and I know you can't usually help it, but your husband already knows this. This is what is driving the fear.
While many people don't like her, Dr. Laura has a great book entitled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Highly suggest reading it. While it doesn't pertain to getting healthy and losing wait, it as an AWESOME resource for understanding how most guys think. While it is somewhat critical of women, she speaks truth in that she talks about how much power women truly have over their husbands if they learn to use it. Well actually I should say learn to use it for good, because it already gets used, just in the wrong way most of the time.
This was probably WAY more than you expected, but I hope it helps. Don't give up on him. Love him unconditionally and guide him in the right direction.
On a lighter note, if all else fails, can I tell you that SEX is the biggest motivator ever? Men really are simple creatures.
Fitness Minutes: (855)
99 5/5/11 9:56 A
So I need the opinion of a male, I have been working out and eating healthier for almost a year now, my lifestyle has changed andI really enjoy it. My problem how ever is my husband, he is over weight and unhealthy I have tried nicely telling him he needs to eat less or ask him to join me for a run and he has no interest. I feel myself worrying about his health and he doesnt seem to care, How do I get him Motivated?!? another problem is its almost un attracting, i have got to get past this problem!! Help
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