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Friends start to hate you when you lose weight?

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Posts: 41,192
1/16/13 6:03 P

I think there are lots of reasons why people don't like it when we change. No single reason fits every situation. I feel sorry for most of those people who cannot handle others' success, who are threatened by others' weight loss, or whatever. I pray for them and wish them well - avoiding them if they continue to be negative around me.

Posts: 1,036
1/16/13 3:09 P

Do we all do this?

Probably most of us do this. We shouldn't, though. Getting healthy shouldn't be a competition (Biggest Loser is utter crap!)

I am surrounded by friends who are models, actors/actresses, yoga masters, and marathon runners. They are all super "fit." Some of them are actually healthy.

What you said about your friend taking pills that were recommended to her by a cheerleader, boy did that ring a bell. Many of my friends who have to look "perfect" to make their living, take pills or have eating disorders, and then lie and lie about it. Oh! They eat and eat, they say...and they don't gain an ounce! They're just super healthy. emoticon

Don't envy your friend if she lost weight the easy but totally wrong way!

As for any friends who envy you...perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship with them. Any friend who is rude or mean to you needs to be kicked to the curb. Life is too short to be surrounded by crappy friends.

Posts: 395
1/16/13 12:54 P

I agree sometimes people don't want to admit it, but unfortunately I think JODILHERNANDEZ is not wrong -- there are people who like having the fat nonthreatening friend around to feel better about themselves (even if it's subconsciously). We're all constantly comparing ourselves to others. It's not just about change, it's about you're changing in a way that's making you more "attractive" (by society's opinion) and suddenly you're a threat. I wish people were more open about talking about these kinds of things without feeling shallow or politically correct, because I'm guessing a lot more people than we think do think about this stuff, even if only fleetingly. It's perfectly natural.

Posts: 252
1/15/13 1:20 P

I did not read this comment so here goes. I have this problem also and it does go along with what everyone else is saying except just a step further. No one wants to admit this but i does happen from time to time. Some people hang out with the big girl because it makes them feel and look better in comparison. And example would be I am 200+lbs overweight and my sister in law is probably 30lbs over weight. In the group I definately have the pritty face but she has the better body. Every time I would start loosing weight and it came to her attention she would go out of her way to make it either hard or incredibly uncomfortable to continue. So I would stop and her behavior would too. this time around I am taking a different approach. I am going out of my way to not bring attention to the fact I am loosing weight. And in turn she has not said one thing. Clearly when the weight loss becomes more apparent and I can no longer hide behind a baggy sweater she will start again, but some times you just need a bit of time to cope with the problem before you face it head on.

If I were in your shoes and faced with the problem I might take the appitizer on my plate and keep talking. That way it is less obvious you are not eating. Simply leave it there and if some one brings it up just say you are excited about your coming meal.

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1/15/13 9:06 A

I have to agree with DragonChilde and everyone else as well. When I was at my best weight for me 130 lbs (Im only 5'3 so thats pretty healthy not too thin not too big) I was very careful about what I ate and such. I would notice some of my freinds would tease me about what I would or wouldn't eat nothing really mean they'd just make little comments like "oh it wont kill you to have some breadsticks" or if I ordered a kids meal theyd say " should I get you a toy on the way home too?" I finally told them one day as nicely as I could "hey I dont criticize you for what you do or don't eat or how much you eat so please dont do that to me because it really hurts my feelings." Most of my freinds understood and stopped saying anything when I would go out to eat with them or eat dinner at their house. One stopped talking to me all togther one just stopped asking me over for dinner or to go out to eat with her. Which is all ok with me, I look at it this way, Im the one who has to live in my body and be happy with how I feel and how I look not them. emoticon

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1/14/13 9:43 P

Probably a bit of jealousy, a bit of humans in general not liking "change" of any kind (this was a big one for my family -- they were just used to me being fat!), and probably more than a little guilt/self-consciousness.

In the restaurant situation, it's probably almost all the last one -- everyone in the group realizes these things aren't healthy (even if you're not overweight), and even though you've not said one word about their choices, they still feel like they can't enjoy it quite as much because the mere fact that you're abstaining reminds them that it's an unhealthy choice. I can't tell you how many times people have seemed to feel like they have to explain or apologize for their eating choices to me -- when I absolutely am not at all concerned about what they eat! (Treats have their place, after all.)

Anyway, people are going to react how they're going to react. But this isn't really about what others think -- it's about what you're doing for yourself. Your true friends are truly happy for you -- even if there's a little jealousy as well. (They're only human, after all.) And maybe you'll even inspire one or more of them to make some changes of her own...

Posts: 762
1/14/13 10:10 A

I agree with the other post and that Jealousy is probably the key.
I've been jealous of others weight loss in the past, but I always supported the efforts and never let them know I was jealous. Some people are probably just not as good at hiding their feelings! But jealousy is also a great motivator, so maybe you will motivate your friends to try harder.

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1/13/13 10:21 P

I think people are generally not happy about others losing weight because it makes THEM realise what they COULD be achieving, and that can cause a little bit of jealousy too

Edited by: RUNNING_MUM at: 1/13/2013 (22:21)

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1/13/13 9:04 P

I have a friend that try to lose weight with on occasion. She's a bit more overweight than I am and where she's almost 10 years older than me, I can usually lose weight more consistently than she can. I would be so happy for her if she lost weight and would let her know it. She was my friend, after all. But if I would lose weight she would get all huffy and start complaining about how she's doing everything right and not seeing any results. No congrats or anything to make me feel good about the progress. But I also shouldn't feel like I can't discuss something I'm happy about with someone who is supposed to be a friend. I think she may have looked at it as more of a competition than just a mutual journey shared by 2 friends.

Posts: 1,341
1/13/13 7:59 P

It happens all the time. Especially after my 80+ pound weight loss. I just figure that it's because I've been overweight my whole life, and all my friends know is "fat liz", but now that things are changing, so are my habits. I'm not the drinking buddy anymore, and I'm not the girl that will split a banana cream pie with you to legitimize your unhealthy habits. My older sister-who has ALWAYS been thinner than me (size 5 while I was size 22) never likes to eat alone. I'm getting better at telling her 'no', but when I first started, she's get frustrated with me, as though the only way we can hang out is if we're eating. Just be yourself, and maybe it's a good thing you're reflecting on how you treated your friend, now that you're experiencing it too. It happens. It's not okay, but you've learned from it.

Posts: 395
1/13/13 6:53 P

This might be an unpopular opinion, but if it is jealousy, I'd just use that as more motivation! Jealousy is form of flattery in a way.

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1/13/13 6:29 P

The three previous posters covered my thoughts completely on your question.

I will add the words of Maya Anjelou for moving forward.
"When we know better, we do better". emoticon

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1/13/13 8:17 A

I think you might be putting your own feelings of guilt towards how you treated the girl who lost weight on your friends. If they say they're happy for you, why do you have to go negative and assume they're lying? If they weren't happy they wouldn't make any comment at all. Have they snapped at you like you snapped at the girl? It really doesn't sound like they hate you or are jealous. It sounds more like you want them to be so you feel less guilty about how you behaved...

Posts: 41,192
1/12/13 8:49 P

FRIENDS don't suddenly start to HATE you because you lose weight. If they do, they were not FRIENDS to begin with - just acquaintances. But what may be happening is what Dragonchilde already said, they are not feeling comfortable because their OWN behavior hasn't changed. They may also think you are acting differently (you ARE - making better/healthier choices, not sharing those appetizers or bread/rolls with them - YOU are changing the "rules" that they are used to). They may think YOU are judging them, just as you think they are judging you. Relationships are difficult under any circumstance but when people start to change the rules, switch things up, or do things outside of the group, they become a little shaky until everyone gets used to the NEW YOU. I have lost and gained weight and sometimes I have thought I lost and/or changed friendships only to discover that after a little while the relationship came back even stronger because of the changes I made that improved my health. It also happened when I was unable to do things because of an injury.

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1/12/13 7:59 P

I doubt they hate you. More likely, they're not appreciating the mirror you're shining on them through your own good choices. It's okay; we all have our moments of jealousy, and are often our least impressive when we do.

Don't worry, they are happy for you; they're just *un*happy with themselves. It's not actually about you at all!

Edited by: DRAGONCHILDE at: 1/12/2013 (19:59)

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1/12/13 7:44 P

I've lost weight (and freaking gained) throughout my life, as I'm sure all of us ladies have. I noticed that when I am out at restaurants with girlfriends and I say "no" to appetizers and breads that come to the table, I get a weird look from them. I'd have to say jealousy, but I can't be too sure what it is. When I start losing weight, when they said ' you look good ', it doesn't sound like they are THAT happy for me.

Does anyone else experience this? It's kinda weird. I will admit to acting that way towards a friend of mine years back. She lost 50 lbs and we went out to a club where she was getting SO much attention that it made me physically ill. I snapped at her. I was jealous as hell. One guy came up to her and said " you are the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life.. can I just stare at you?" She ended up becoming a pro model after her weight loss. I hate to say that I never complimented her weight loss. I think that part of that is because she lied about how she lost the weight. She did not exercise at all (she admits that) but she was taking weight loss drugs she found out about from a pro NFL cheerleader. She told everyone that she was watching what she ate.. which was kinda true, but she lost weight very quickly.

I look back on how I treated her and I feel a little guilty. Does anyone go through this?

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