I feel the same way too about not having any friends who can relate to my (ongoing) weight loss. My best friend is very thin and fit, but her lifestyle isn't one I can keep up with. She only eats one meal a day, drinks a lot of alcohol, and exercises a lot longer and harder I can! She also had an eating disorder some years back, so I think we have a very different outlook on food. I have an ex-boyfriend too whom I'm still friends with, but he claims he needs to gain weight and makes a point of saying so when we're at a restaurant, as he orders pasta drowning in cheese sauce :P
On the other hand, my boyfriend and his friend who ends up eating with us a lot are the opposite. He eats whatever he wants, including a lot of fried and junk food, and he doesn't understand me trying to be healthier. His friend is obese and was diagnosed with diabetes, but she doesn't try to control it. She'll eat healthier food sometimes but still in large quantities, plus she smokes. So on one side I have super-health-conscious, then not at all health-conscious on the other! lol
Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I'm starting a PhD program in the fall and moving to a new city, so I'm hoping to find some friends there who are on the same journey I am. If you want to be Sparkfriends too, I'd be happy to!
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35 6/23/13 11:57 P
Thanks Tangokate (: I'm actually a writer, and writing's my favorite way to work around my social anxiety, so that means a lot to me.
My grandmother came from a house a MILLION times worse than the one she helped lead, which is kind of frightening. For example my great grandparents were violently racist and sexist.
The only times I've ever heard her say anything remotely like hate speech is when she's been watching about four days straight of CNN's standard doom-and-gloom reporting (which will fry the most evolved brain) and if anything she expects more from the women in our family. Oh yeah they can raise a family, if they choose, but if they can't look their partner in the eyes and know they at least had the skills to earn as much as he does... they aren't a woman yet, just a girl, and will never make him happy.
Try telling that to a guy... talk about sexy and scary to them... oooh a woman with a clue, that means they gotta go get/borrow one too.
The problem is I do enjoy her company so i have trouble shutting her out. I love the way she's persevered and grown, and admire her on those rare occasions when she admits life isn't all peaches and rainbows (or doesn't try to recruit me in her ongoing war with the genus Canadian Goosus, despite the fact that she lives on a lake.)
She's the person I see myself having the most in common with in some ways, including this constant anxiety about doing the right thing as much as possible, even to the point of nervous exhaustion.
Ur G'ma,, my Son In law,,, SAME MATERAIL ??????? Hmmmm YUPPERS !!! Are we 'not related, and yet related"??? LOLOLOLOL
So here's what a bully teacher, I just happen to run into as I was going thru some of HIS harassment told me to do:
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH (all not good)
Me: Whisper softly "Thank you"
Him "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH " ignoring comment
Me" Again same,,, softly "Thank you"
Him" What the *E*D()_(* you THANKING ME FOR?????
Me: "for showing me ur life sucks WORSE then mine" and simply walk away.
Keep doing this as often as they are RUDE (LOL Believe me it was A LOT ! AND THEN SOME !!! Eventually he learned, I was a broken record,, he was MAD and EMBARRASSED ,,, thought about it,,, didn't change much towards me,,, but, did talk to others about what I told him,, they in turn told him what a $$$$ he is. :) THANKS ALL !!
Get the pic?
WHen someone is sooo UNHAPPY with THEMSELVES (G'ma) THey FEEL they HAVE to PUT others DOWN to build "THEMSELEVES" Up ,, or they feel being syscikic (sp?) (wise) will be "Funny" and make others "laugh" ,,, what they FAIL to REALIzE is that THEY ARE BEING LAUGHTED AT for being IGNORANT. When we keep THAT In mind,, we start to heal. Also to helps to find out if her own upbringing was much this,, where SHE was PICKED ON,,, so this is what she KNOWS and feels ITS HER TURN NOW. That gives some UNDERSTANDING On Ur part, but NOT AN EXCUSE.
Man, you write well. It's a pleasure to read your post. I feel like we are sitting across the table from each other. Thank you.
Edited by: TANGOKATE at: 6/20/2013 (22:02)
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35 6/19/13 7:55 A
That must have felt pretty satisfying. I'd love to be able to say something like that but gma "knows" she's fat, so it's always initially put as "do what I say not what I do." It's not just with weight either. She has a sixth sense for knowing what issues a person is most sensitive about and it gets into your head after awhile. First I wasn't getting good enough grades, then I wasn't social enough, then I was fat, then I wasn't religious enough, then i wasn't doing community service, then i wasn't getting scholarships, then I wasn't working, now I'm not dating. That's my life since kindergarden. Mom's had it even worse.
it doesn't even mater that I have a 3.78 gpa, was one of 5 people in my class to graduate with high honors, paid for a semester (and counting) in scholarships, logged over 100 service hours in a year, served as chapter president of my service fraternity, planned a leadership conference for 135 people, got a job with an amazing company,and overcame my shyness to earn the highest award my chapter can give... I still get that soft smile and "I'm so proud of you... have you turned in that application?/met any interesting boys?"
Been very tempted to reveal that "The Ass," whom I'm trying to get over right now is Jewish, just to see the look on her face. /:
Sorry to rant. I'm just feeling a little bottled up right now.
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22,051 6/19/13 5:34 A
I remember MANY years ago my (now late) mother-in-law told my daughter in front of me that I was fat. I looked her in the face and told her it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black. She asked why. I told her "YOU are exactly the same weight as me - I am nearly 5' 7" and YOU are 5' 2" - I then told her that in fact, this made HER fatter than me! - LOL! She shut up then.
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35 6/18/13 7:06 P
Haha, she sounds exactly like my grandmother. I was at her house for christmas one year and my pants were a little too tight (tis the season) and she caught a flash of the stretch marks I have on my lower back. Made this big show of how concerned she was about my health, harassing my mom about how 15 year olds shouldn't be big enough to get stretch marks and making me feel like the pillsbury dough girl... meanwhile she's so big her knees have given out and she can't walk. EASILY 150 lbs overweight.
I guess I judge my skinny friends harsher for this kind of behavior towards fat people because it feels more violating. I've been heckled so much and for so long that it's hard to hear that stuff coming from a friend and I can't just write them off as ill like I do with people like my grandmother.
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21,152 6/18/13 6:26 P
Let me tell you about my cousin, whom I love dearly. She has a weight problem. She's morbidly obese, but won't admit it. One day, we were going to a concert and one of her friends was joining us. While we were waiting for her friend, my cousin had to go to the bathroom. She described her friend as having dark brown hair, this kind of jacket and she's a little chunky. Mind you, my cousin is morbidly obese, BUT she loves pointing out people who she thinks is bigger than her.
Have we discussed her behavior before ? yes and no. Yes, we've discussed her lack of tact, but no she didn't change her outlook. Although, she does acknowledge she needs to lose, everyone else has a problem, not her. eh-hem.
So, no it's not your skinny friends who make snide comments. A lot of different people of varying sizes make comments. In some ways, we're all guilty of passing a judgement on someone at some time in our lives. No one is perfect and your friends should be aware that we all have our faults. Now if I could just get my cousin to realize that. lol !
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35 6/18/13 5:46 P
I'm becoming a bit of a biking nut and I'm transferring from a 2 year school to a 4 year with an amazing gym facility so I'll start there, thanks for the tip!
I never consciously judge people based on their size, I was just thinking of the cultural differences, for example I never realized how much skinny people think and talk about food! Or how communal it is for them. They don't fear the desert menu, and if you order something good "Though shalt share." It's like as soon as a heavy person comes into the room that side of their nature gets muted.
What was bugging me more was the fact that out of the blue any one of my skinny friends might say something like "that woman is huge." They're the nicest people on the face of the earth, but sometimes that group-think gets going and I'm left there with my mouth open thinking "my Grandmother is her size!" The worst comments ironically came from my fellow former fat friend "The Ass" after we both realized we were veteran battlers of the bulge. (Still wondering what that was about.)
I'll check out the sparkteams! I hadn't thought about using the community to find people in the area, which is funny because I met my best friend though a youtube comment. (:
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21,152 6/18/13 11:43 A
Have you joined any Spark Teams ? A good way to interact with the members here is through the different Spark Teams. You might start with a team for the 20-somethings. that will introduce you to members in your own age group. You might also look into one of the maintenance teams for members who've lost the weight and are now keeping it off.
Also, do you have a gym membership ? Another way to meet people is at the gym. When I teach a class, I tell new members to look to the left and look to the right. That fit person next to you may have been overweight once themselves.
I know things seem very lonely right now, but you'll meet new people. If you're in college, you'll definitely make new friends when the next semester starts. And well, you can always post here on the forums. The Spark Community will support you.
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6,371 6/18/13 11:23 A
That's rough - I'm sorry about your friend.
You could try a local gym or fitness club (like a zumba class or something). You could join your state's Spark team and see if there is anyone local who is on the same journey as you. Or just find new friends. Don't focus on what they look like (because they didn't know you before, so they would have no frame of reference) but just who they are. Find a common interest. Like disc golf? Find somebody else who does -- you'll have a common interest and a way to stay healthy :)
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35 6/18/13 9:31 A
Ok, so I'm doing well on my diet, about halfway to my goal weight and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm in control of my health. The problem is I feel so alone. I'm 20 years old and I basically have two types of people I interact with: naturally skinny and fat.
the fat people treat me like a hero... as they pass me the buttered rolls, and the skinny people eat well... but have no clue what it's like to have weight problems (worse, most of them think they DO because they aren't size 8/6/0/-4/whatever.) I had one friend (crush) who also worked his way out of obesity, but he turned out to be an image obsessed, grade A ass. Another friend was obese, but working to turn her life around.... when she and her mother died in a car wreck. ):
I guess what I'm looking for is a former obese friend offline and I'm not sure where to find one.
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