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ALGEBRAGIRL Posts: 1,925
6/8/14 12:32 P

I say (many times, to my husband) that there's nothing in relationships that can't be turned into a food fight.

I'm nearly vegetarian (once a week meat) and my husband eats meat - or fish - every night.I am so comfortable with my diet that I CAN accept a little seared tuna without feeling like it is part of a conflict. Or some Italian sausage. I've been known to take a big big taste of his eggplant parmesan.

My husband can flatly turn down my offer of a homemade bran muffin - even a taste - and I won't take it personally. I realize that I CAN'T take it personally unless I want to keep a 'food fight' going.

Sometimes, the aroma is enticing and he will say 'Yes, just a bite!' When food starts being an issue for score-keeping, that's a recipe for disaster (pun intended...)

It's great when people are supportive of a diet. Especially those people who are closest to you. When it happens, great. If not, minimize it and the damage is much less, too.

I've watched my weight for so many years that if I were someone close to me, I'd be bored beyond belief at the effort and the ups and downs and anxiety about the scale. I'd love to follow the adage, 'Never complain, never explain' that some very famous person said. I find that almost impossible! Life is much much easier when you relax into your independence and say 'No' AND 'Yes' without angst.

Not a solution - just my ruminations on diet and relationships....

As to your weight loss: Attagirl!

Edited by: ALGEBRAGIRL at: 6/8/2014 (13:26)
6/8/14 11:56 A

I am sorry to hear about your lack of support. I am in a similar position except my spouse is thin and eats poorly.

I think the barb about the expensive is especially mean. I would not engage him in that topic but just keep in mind fewer medications, doctors visits, etc.

Do you have a girlfriend who would be excited to celebrate your successes? I think that is important. If not, remember the whoohoo board here and in times of struggle there is the panic board as well.

MICHELLEXXXX SparkPoints: (10,512)
Fitness Minutes: (5,830)
Posts: 3,249
6/7/14 6:38 P

Have you considered counseling?

NIRERIN Posts: 13,460
6/7/14 5:01 P

i agree with eelpie on everything except using "healthier." since you're already in a power struggle in this situation you choosing that word could make it seem like you were judging his choices [ie your choices are healthy but his choices are not. and think of that in about the tone of voice of i'm rubber you're glue] which could turn into your line in the sand being dug into a trench and fortified with walls. i'm not saying that you are trying to judge him, just that you have suddenly made all of these changes and it's making him insecure and possibly questioning things he isn't ready to question. and that's making him defensive and trying to get back to the status quo that the two of you had established. odds are six months ago you liked it when he brought you a treat to celebrate similar things. how would you feel if he moved whatever table or hook you put your stuff on when you get home from work? especially if he did it without telling you. you changed the rules of the game without letting him know about it. and what's possibly more confusing is that you've probably tried to lose weight before and you were miserable and felt awful doing it and you liked it when he helped you hop off the wagon. which kinda trained him that he needs to be a little persistent at times like this because in the end it what you really want. and anytime he brings you a treat and you say that you don't want it but eat it later, you're further adding to the idea that he is ultimately helping you, despite what you say in the short term. the more you eat the bad stuff in the house that you don't want there, the more he'll keep bringing it in because even though you say you don't want it, you eat it anyways. the more consistent you can be with the "i don't want it and i am not eating it" message, the quicker he'll get the idea that you actually don't want it. just try to phrase it in a way that doesn't disparage what he's doing. when you make it a good/bad or a healthy/unhealthy or an us/them it puts you in a position to lock horns. just imagine that you were meeting a friend for lunch and you got there early and ordered an appetizer thinking that is a good choice and we can split it. and then your friend gets there and starts to tell you what an awful choice you made. your immediate reaction is going to be defensive. and that's how your hubby might feel. try and find some middle ground. fajitas are a normal food that could easily work on a diabetic plan and so is a steak with oven fries and asparagus. kabobs or chili could be another thing that he likes that works with your plan. the slow cooker salsa chicken seems to enchant just about everyone that eats poultry. making an effort to make something he likes that you can both eat could go a long way to bridging the gap.

if you want to have carrots or kale instead of whatever snack food, just say that you wanted some or it sounded good. there isn't anything reasonable one can say against "it sounded good to me right now." "healthy" is a more relative term where it's perfectly possible for you both to have different criteria for what fits into that category.

6/7/14 2:47 P

Thanks so much! emoticon emoticon

6/7/14 1:26 P

I often hear clients and members who have a spouse that "fears" losing the person once they start to lose weight.

I agree---don't make it about the weight loss; make it about your health.
Have things scripted in your head for a kind response, when you are offered a food you don't want. Something like:

Thanks for sharing, but I can't have the extra carbs (or fat) because of my diabetes. I want to get healthier so we can have a quality life for years to come.

If you type in the word "sabotaging" in the search bar at the top of your screen, you will be linked to articles and other message boards that address this topic in greater detail.

Your SP Registered Dietitian

Edited by: DIETITIANBECKY at: 6/7/2014 (13:27)
6/7/14 1:08 P

Thanks for the encouragement! I really love my husband and I know he's doing the best he can just like we all are. I think his addiction mechanism in his brain is probably harder to deal with than mine is. I also know that when friends have lost weight in the past I felt jealous and kind of intimidated so maybe that's what's going on with him. I lost 40 lbs last year and want so much to lose the rest that I get impatient. This is soooo much harder than stopping smoking. I'm so glad I found Spark People because now I have a place to find the encouragement I 've been to speak. emoticon emoticon

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
6/7/14 12:45 P

Wow...sorry to hear this.

I know you'd like his support - and it would help you and make it so much easier...but I really wouldn't let it become an issue or power struggle any more than it is...unfortunately.

Sometimes, you just gotta do what you do with your head down, and keeping it to yourself.

I wouldn't even talk about losing weight, talk about simply wanting to eat healthier. Who on earth can fault someone for that? If he asks why are you eating carrots, you just say "I just want to eat healthier" end of subject. If he asks why you are having kale chips instead of the potato chips, you just say "I just want to eat healthier" end of subject.

Don't pontificate, don't admonish him, don't evangelize. Just go about your business - eating healthier.

Come here for all the Attagirls you need, and whenever you need to vent. I've only one person that I really talk to about losing weight - and even then not much, I come here for all my support.


6/7/14 12:33 P

I was wondering if there are people out there who, like me, have very little to no support in the endeavor to lose weight. My husband consistently offers me food (treats) to eat that are not on my pre-diabetic plan. He won't eat what I'm choosing to eat and looks at it as my food being extra expense. As I've lost weight he has gained. We both quit smoking years ago. I walked to ease cravings...he ate. I can't mention even a small diet success because he'll bring me a "treat". There is always bad for me food in the house which makes this even more difficult. I'm actually doing a pretty good job in spite of it. I joined Spark people to reap a few attagirls.! Will try not to let my frustration come through too often. I'm usually pretty up about it all. I just get frustrated sometimes and need to vent.

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