Fitness Minutes: (915)
48 5/15/12 4:19 P
I know what you mean. Growing up my father, brother and grandmother always made comments about my size. It gave me a huge complex, to the point where it actually made me overweight when I got older. I've seen pictures of me from when I was supposedly "fat" and I was extremely thin. It's hurtful and it makes me so angry looking back. I was just a little girl so it affected me then and now. Half the time they made these comments they would do it while give me a candy bar :\
Fitness Minutes: (113,434)
6,507 5/15/12 3:27 P
Oh yes, I know this so well when it comes to my mother.. she is obsessed with weight.. when I was younger if I didn't lose weight she threatened to ground me.. she didn't want to have a fat cheerleader as a daughter and one of the most recent things was.. if you exercise that much you should be super skinny..
As hurtful as it is when other's comment about my weight, I try to ignore it. Do they not think that I know I am heavy without them pointing it out?
Fitness Minutes: (11,285)
3,116 5/15/12 2:54 P
Unfortunate but true, the people we love the most can hurt us the most. Just let it glide off you like water off a duck. Choose the things you want to believe and choose people and friends who are supportive. The worst thing you can do is to give away your power, in my opinion.
I'm sorry you also have "ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES" as you can see there are a lot of them just by all the posts that are here and mine is no different. My mother is the worst of them all and she's not skinny by any chance! I remember being a little girl I was a lil chubby but not obese by any sense of the word and she'd tell me that I was so fat that if I was outside during a windy day that I'd blow away!!!! So, of course being a kid thinking she was telling the truth I'd avoid going out during windy days... People can be very mean and it's most hurtful when it's from your own blood, but don't let them get to you if you can.
all those who choose to, can be equally as hurtful as the other -- blood relative or not. the reason why some people think that the hurt a blood relative places on them is a lot more stinging, is because the hurted person refuses to accept the fact that a blood relative could/would ever enter the path of wanting ti hurt them in the first place. A person is a person is a person is a person and no DNA can let them be less or more of who they are deep within .but yes, pain that folks inlfict upon another does hurt
My mom has, for years, made comments about people and their weight. It's the first thing she notices about any women and it's usually the main thing she judges any woman on. Weight and then appearance... She usually says things like, "she's SO big" or "I met_____and she's SO big and she's NOT attractive" or "I met________'s wife and she's FAT." I get so tired of hearing things like this. Not only is it just upsetting to hear people be judged like this (it's not nice and not pleasant to hear), but I also take it as my mom judging me. She even said stuff like this to me when I was at my highest weight (272 lbs). A few times, I did try to get her to stop. I told her that it upset me. I told her that it wasn't nice to judge people and that what was inside a person was way more important than their weight or appearance. I tried pointing out to her that I weighed more than the person she was judging, but she'd just say she wasn't talking about me.
These days, I usually tell mom that what she's said isn't very nice or that it's not nice to judge people like that. My protests are meaningless, though, and there hasn't even been a reduction in the frequency of mom passing her judgments about people (women, usually) and their weight or appearance.
People can be so mean and judgmental and it truly hurts the most when it's family.
the replies here show just how common this complaint is. I don't mean complaint like you have nothing of which to be concerned; I mean situation.
While I was certain that I was unwanted, and a definite surprise when I arrived - I was sure that I was being compared not only to my sisters, but just about every other female relative. My mother was brutal, and hurtful.
I was continually hearing about things I couldn't wear, because "large people (or fat people) can't wear that" (whether it was polka dots, plaid, or a style of clothing). I grew up believing I was fat; so I helped them along, and became that way.
I grew up hearing nobody would marry me, I wouldn't be a good mother or shouldn't be one at all; and all sorts of hurtful things.
My husband believes in me, regardless. Through thick and thin; in sickness and in health; in good times and bad - he sticks with me. Yes, there's been some rocky roads, but thankfully, for the most part, he's been supportive, and I love him and appreciate him.
If you cannot find support from your family; you'll have to find a genuine friend who accepts you for not only what you are now, but encourages what you can become - but doesn't base their friendship on either.
Fitness Minutes: (575)
26 5/7/12 8:11 P
I agree with everyone's advice on here. I can "ALMOST" understand why the "skinny" people make remarks like that but it doesn't excuse it in any way. What I don't get is the gut wrenching comments from family members who themselves are overweight. I know why they do it, I just don't understand why they do it. These same family members get angry with you for trying to better you health and your life. They think 'how dare you do that?'. To me, they are jealous of the boldness you possess to be better than you are currently. I agree with Redshoes2011, get in their face and explain in no uncertain terms that their actions are not wiped clean with the unfeeling and fake apology. For any apology to be true must have the admittance of the wrong doing and the concern of the hurtful act upon the person attacked along with it followed by true actions of not repeating it can an apology be accepted and the act forgotten. However, you must forgive them their indiscretions whether they apologize or not because the forgiveness is for YOUR health and well being not theirs.
Good luck to you and whatever support you need for your journey, you will find it here on SP!
Strange how our family members can hurt us the most. Recently encountered a BIG one and now Grace, Mercy, and Forgiveness keep running through my mind now I just have to swallow my pride and act on them. Blessings!
Thank you all so much. I truly appreciate all the support. I teared up reading some of the comments below. I only hope one day I can be as strong as you lovely people and learn to love myself enough to not let anyone else get to me. It's going to be a long process but I am definitely working towards it, with exercise, counseling, and now I am definitely going to pick up the recommended book.
Fitness Minutes: (160,955)
3,973 5/7/12 4:26 P
NEVER ALLOW ANYONE A VICTORY UNEARNED!
I posted that over my desk several years ago - and everyone "got it" except the jerk it was intended for. He thought it had something to do with gambling. (?????)
The point is: of someone makes YOU feel bad, they are generally not feeling anything like what you are - so if it affects you - they won a victory they surely did not earn. Consider the source, and maybe feel a little sorry for them. Their chickens will surely come home to roost someday - and they will have alienated those who could have been their support system.
I'm sorry that your parents aren't being more supportive of you and your efforts.
It's hard for some people to understand that an apology does not erase the hurtful act. Regardless of how remorseful someone is, it doesn't change the fact that you've been hurt. If the person isn't truly remorseful, and is just apologizing to clear the air and put things back the way they were, then it really is a slap in the face.
You've received some good advice that the only person you have power over in this situation is yourself -- how you react to your sister and your parents. Love yourself enough that their words and actions don't hurt so much, and you'll be surprised at how much easier it is to deal with. I agree with Obiesmom that the 7 Habits books are very helpful in this regard. You can't change what they do, only how you deal with it.
Fitness Minutes: (5,526)
10,393 5/7/12 3:29 P
- mine is usually from spouse. Although, he says he's just joking. Water on a duck's back...let it slide off. Move forward with the goals.
Fitness Minutes: (17,575)
1,165 5/7/12 2:48 P
If you don't have the support. It is hurtful when you are happy about your progress,but no one else is, because they don't understand when you are the only big person in the family.
Fitness Minutes: (9,824)
410 5/7/12 2:27 P
I am sorry your feeling were hurt. I understand how family members can discourage your progress, but you cannot allow negative information in your psyche. You are much more than your weight. Learn how to love yourself and think only positive messages and keep looking forward to a better you. You will end up the winner.
Rubbertree, you have hit the nail on the head! Family can be some of the cruelest people towards us. I have had to endure comments from so many people in my family and even now that I am losing weight and to a point where I am comfortable and happy I still get comments and looks!
When I was in high school my younger sister lost a lot of weight and my grandfather, in only the way that grandfathers can, said to me "if you lose weight then you can be a skinny minnie like Becky instead of the fatty matty that you are." Later in high school I did manage to lost about 10 or so pounds and was very pleased... my grandmother made some kind of comment about my needing to lose more weight rather than complimenting me on what I had accomplished.
4 years ago I bit the bullet and had lapband surgery. My older sister (who had always been the "skinny" one, although constantly yoyoing) informed me that she would have to go and have surgery to lose weight because I wasn't "allowed" to be skinnier than she is and if she couldn't have it done she'd have a tummy tuck.
These are just a few instances that I can come up with. Family can be very hurtful. They don't always think. I know that my grandfather was trying in his own way to encourage me to lose weight, he just didn't know how to do it properly... the same with my grandmother. My sister on the other hand, well, she's just a b**** and doesn't have her own healthy self-image to help her know how to be supportive and loving... LOL
You just keep doing what you can to help yourself become the healthy, happy person you know you are. And anytime you need to vent or gripe about family, your SP family is here to listen!
Fitness Minutes: (48,790)
4,896 5/7/12 1:57 P
Rubbertree - first
I'll tell you what changed my life.
I would get so angry at other people's stupidity. I literally hyperventilated at work. I mean, had the bag over my mouth and nose to get my breathing under control. I hated that other people could do that to me, so I was determined to change it! I read many self-help books and listened to hours of self-help tapes trying to find the answer.
Then I found The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. When I read that book, I finally got it. I felt as if a new world opened up.
Every interaction (good or bad) in your life has one thing in common: YOU. You have no control over how other people act. The easier route to take is to change how you are going to respond. It's not easy, but it's possible.
When I feel myself sliding back to my old ways and getting so angry at other people, I pop in the CD version of that book for a refresher.
see if you can get a copy at your library. No cost to borrow a book. And maybe it will do for you what it did for me.
I'm sorry to hear we've all experienced it to some level.
I'm quite peeved at my family at the moment because everytime an incident like this occurs my sister apologizes and expects me to be instantly over it just because she apologized. I have no respect for people who don't actually mean their sorries. She has this routine where she apologizes to me in an annoying loud whiny voice and pretend to be upset so that my parents will take her side. I have no respect for my sister as a person but my parents are so persistent about having "strong family bonding" that they think I should accept my sister as who she is. If I tell her off for being a b**** I always end up the bad guy for being blunt.
When I was younger I would do as my parents say and accept the apology and move on and keep my true feelings hidden. Over the past two years however I've changed a lot and I've had some pretty serious anxiety/depressive episodes and if I took anything away from counseling it is that I need to communicate and tell my family how I feel. So far it hasn't helped at all. My parents still don't understand my mood swings. They genuinely believe I am angry all the time because "some people just like being unhappy", and when I find it hard forgiving my sister for her behaviour I am being "overly sensitive".
I don;t share the same beliefs as my parents. I don't think I need to accept my sister and love her for the idiot she is. My parents do that, but I think it's easier for parents to forgive their children. My sister and I have a completely different relationship dynamic though; I don't view her as someone who should be forgiven for every stupid mistake she makes just because she's my own blood. I see her as an individual who by now should've learned from her mistakes. My parents have a hard time understanding this. Also I know things about her my parents don't. I only believe we need to be civil to each other until we part ways. Needless to say I can't wait to move out and get away from all this.
Sorry about the rant!
Fitness Minutes: (50,270)
778 5/7/12 12:20 A
I've had that happen as well. In the end, I know they have faults as well, including their rudeness. Sorry it happened, but feel confident in who you are. At least you're striving to improve. That's what it's all about.
Fitness Minutes: (14,694)
1,230 5/6/12 11:48 P
Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself "I am a beautiful woman, I love myself, and I deserve being happy!" Always give yourself those morning acclamations and believe it. Speak positive of yourself and you will eventually love yourself. Don't let others put you down or tell you that you aren't worthy. You have SP supporters and friends here who have been where you are and we will be your positive support. Cry or complain on our shoulders and it will help you through the tough times. Be strong and be positive about yourself.
As you see RUBBERTREE we don't think your problems are petty! We understand! I was not a fat child, but my Mom and sister were thin and smaller boned than I...so I was seen as having a weight problem! I dieted as a child, a teen, a young adult, and as a grown woman...all the time gaining more than I lost! Help yourself and start a new lifestyle for yourself. Your sister, it sounds like, has not developed her inner beauty! As I said before...you have supporters here...make use of this new lifestyle and things will change! Mary
Fitness Minutes: (223,360)
8,004 5/6/12 11:19 P
Don't let your family get you down. Remember: It is up to you who you allow to bring you down. Live your life and be happy.
Fitness Minutes: (66,181)
7,159 5/6/12 11:08 P
My family didn't imply I was fat- I was told especially by dad's father and my sister I was fat.. I have struggled all my life with my weight- but the last decade my sister whom piped up the most is finding out the realities that skinny botches don't stay thin forever.. I don't have to say anything she is eating humble pie.. Love and respect in my family is also earned anyone tells me I am fat will get a good telling off.. Being family in my eyes doesn't give people more or special rights be rude- what comes around goes around material.. I ask people I feel are leading up to be rude, think about wording because they know me if they said stupid crap- I will call them out as a disrespectful jackass..
Edited by: REDSHOES2011 at: 5/6/2012 (23:19)
Fitness Minutes: (200)
130 5/6/12 10:50 P
Hi Rubbertee, I read your message and it reminded me with my family. I'm the only fat person in my family and I'm constantly reminded of that. I'm a plus size woman and my mother has given me size medium gifts for the last 20 years. At first it hurt, then it made me mad, and now I just make a face and hand the gift to my sister. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. I do have empathy and I'll be glad to listen to you. I can even share a story of mine and I promise you, you will end up laughing. That's how I handle it now. I find the funny side of my families inconsideration. It's taken me 20 years but I got it now!
Yup my sister and I always had issues. I have no problem ignoring her but my parents always get in the way. Anyway I'll stop boring you guys with my petty issues and I really appreciate everyone being so supportive :') I love SP for this very reason, I always have someone to talk to
Rubber - I've had the same situation with my brother. Everyone tells me that I should be the nice one and make attempts to continue my relationship with my brother. I live in MI. When he moved to FL I was so grateful. Now I don't have to see him unless I choose to. When I do have to see him, every time he says something hurtful to me, I say something equally nasty back to him then I get up and leave the room. I once left a restaurant before receiving food because of what he was saying. When someone said something to me I merely suggested that he should at least pretend to be polite. He still says mean things, but I just stay away from him now. I'm so sorry that your own family is alienating you in any way. My best suggestion is to spend as little time as possible with your sister, and if you have to see her, do as little conversing with her as possible, even to the point of just ignoring her. While that may anger your mother as well, as least it will be for something that you are actively doing. Good luck in your future dealings with your family.
I'll get over it eventually. Being skinny comes naturally to my sister. I've always been compared to her and shes definitely the prettier one. I;m ok with that but obviously I;ve developed a complex as a child. And my mom doesn't understand teenage self esteem/self image issues because she was raised in a different culture and she was stick skinny growing up and was considered one of the prettiest girls in her town. So when I get upset at my inconsiderate sister for making hurtful jokes or remarks I get blamed for being too sensitive and mom yells at me. I wish people would just lay off and try to see things from others perpective is all.
Fitness Minutes: (81,842)
7,285 5/6/12 9:58 P
I am sorry your family said or hinted at things that have hurt your feelings. I am sure they love you very much. Try to understand that they may be worried for you and not mean to voice their concerns in a hurtful way. I told my beautiful, normal weighted daughter that beauty from the inside is much more important than beauty on the outside. She was so pretty, I worried about her getting suckered into the idea that her looks could get her things or excuse bad behavior. Thankfully the message took. I truly believe that we are not our appearance. Our essence comes from our inner self. Our actions reflect this. Remember you are not a weight or size. Enjoy your life now, do good things for others and yourself. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to love yourself and be healthy. Mary has given you good advise. Best of luck on your journey we are all rooting for you.
You are more than your size or your body! Sometimes family can be harsh and hurtful. Try to build yourself up. Stay with SPARKPEOPLE and read articles and blogs by people who understand and have been through similar situations but triumphed...you can, too, and you are not alone! Embrace YOURSELF! Good Luck! Mary
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