Having just had a visit with my mom, KJ's comment on adult children and paying struck me as funny. Our family has made Steal the Check an Olympic-level sport. And I can't get the info to pay her phone bill for love or, obviously, money.
So, sometimes the adult kids want to pay, but the old farts are devious in ways we have yet to learn.
The feeling is the same as an alcoholic taking another drink, they don't want to, they just do.
Fitness Minutes: (48,790)
4,897 10/22/12 12:29 P
KJ, head to the library and get The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Read it. Learn it. Live it. I keep a CD copy in my car to reinforce the changes I'm making.
that book changed my life. You have to learn to politely (but firmly) say NO. It takes work and lots of practice.
But YOU need to be somewhere near the top of your own priority list.
Bailing the same people out over and over does not help them, and it hurts you. They never learn anything from their mistakes (except where to find somebody to bail them out again).
How do I know this? I have a 52 year old sis who never has a penny to her name. I know not to give her any money that I cannot afford to never see again.
I have a 40 year old brother who still lives in dad's basement. He's been in prison multiple times (mostly drug related), but 'everybody is against him'. (insert eye roll emote here) Also did time for identity theft on dad. Dad didn't press charges the first few times, but when my brother used dad's info to open a Home Depot account, Home Depot insisted on him being charged. And I'm GLAD they did! I love my brother, but it's pretty sad to have to lock your car in your parent's driveway and keep your purse always in sight inside my dad's home.
There is an a difference between "enabler" and "stupid" buying beer for teenagers or anyone under age is stupid. I do think (through my observation) enablers hold on to hope that someday the person they are enabling will come around and stop their bad habits. An enabler seems to feel important a lot like they are the ones who will get through the other persons thick skull, there is usually a lecture or bad joke that goes along with the hand out. I think it is a control issue mixed with insecurity, as long as you enable that person, that person will be coming around to you. I am curious for those of you who say you are enablers, what are your feelings when you know you just enabled someone again?
Fitness Minutes: (1,876)
1,049 10/22/12 11:22 A
My best friend is...But it annoys me more than anything! her and her boyfriend would always lecture me about my habits while eating fast food....lol
@Maritimer: LOL, I don't think that's quite the point. I'm talking about serious stuff like paying someone else's college loan when you don't have to or buying beer for underaged teenagers, or NEVER LETTING YOUR ADULT CHILDREN EVER HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE GOOD PAYING JOBS.
Fitness Minutes: (7,513)
899 10/22/12 10:46 A
Sometimes you have to draw the line and stop even if it brakes your heart. I am a natural-born enabler, always jumping to solve the problems for the ones I care about. I am not planning to withdraw and not help any more, but I have to learn let everyone cope on their own to figure out the solutions to their problems. Effort of an enabler in really not appreciated, it's most likely taken for granted...plus the person you are enabling can't learn to be independent that way.
Fitness Minutes: (74,991)
7,444 10/22/12 10:44 A
I suppose it depends on what they are enabling you to do... if it's something good for you, like freeing up your time so that you can go for a walk or have a nice releaxing bath, great... but if they're enabling you to eat a second piece of cake when you know you shouldn't even have had the first one, then no... resist them!
I'm always amazed at folks who are not enablers, to me it seems that they are so cold and heartless for them not to 'enable' others but that's not it, they are making good choices by not enabling others.
I am and I don't know how to stop. I tell myself that I will stop, but then I don't. Guilt overwhelms me sometimes because I enable others to do things that are bad for them. I wish I had advice on how to stop. Sadly, I don't. Now, on the other hand, I do have an enabler and she has promised me she will not do it anymore because I do take advantage. I call her my "dealer" because she brings me my daily supply of "crack" aka junk food. The truth is, I am not strong enough to say no. BUT! I am working on it and making progress.
I am not an enabler, but I know one when I see one. My FIL is one but I think he likes it, I think he finds some odd power in it, when in reality he has none. He treats the ones he is enabling better then the ones who are doing good in life. My ex best friend is the same way. I think some people like drama in their life's. They get so mad, frustrated and angry at these people, but then they are stuck on them like glue, and they leave the good ones in the cold and even get rude with them. My FIL has come around with age, but still too much enabling going on with the bad seeds.
Is there an "enabler" in your life? If so, is it okay to take advantage of them? I mean, they ARE the ones forwarding the enabling when not being asked to so why not!? eh? ---------------------------------------- -----------
My answer: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am an enabler and I HATE it and am trying to get help for it; I read about it and try to watch for signs of it when I'm doing it but it feels like I'm HELPING rather than enabling until someone lets me know about it and guess what? It's usually NEVER the person I'm enabling.
Please chime in with your ehlpful suggestions for those of who are "enablers"....this madness has GOT to stop!
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