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DAISY3K66 Posts: 15
3/19/12 11:48 A

I begin to know about the loss of a child but as far as the anger goes I completely understand. I lost my husband in a car wreck and after the shock wore off the anger set in. Please do what I didn't.....please pray to God to give you strength. I blamed God for alot of it and that just put me in a deeper hole. Praying will heal your heart. Don't waste time being angry at her; she is not worth it. God knows what a big part of his life you were and that is all that counts.

1/1/12 7:28 P

I don't have a clue what is wrong with people. I am constantly in awe of how disrespectful, rude, crude, and insensitive people can be. I think the dbmom is pitiful. Sounds like she is clutching at anything to try to convince herself that she was actually part of his life. She is doing this and trying to pretend that she is doing you a favor. If she can convince you then maybe she can convince herself. HOW SAD!1!!!

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1/1/12 4:16 P

Thank you both for your support.
My anger was starting subside and then I had to see her yesterday. She blindsided me with a request to see his room & take some of his possesions. I was hesitant with an answer, due to my shock. Then she says "It's the least you could do for me". Like I owe her something! She was an absantee & deadbeat mom, but she thinks I owe her something. It was all I could do to keep from punching her in the face. I seriously just wanted to go after her and beat the $h!t out of her. Somehow I kept my cool.

My full brother did the exact same thing to me. At my fathers funeral, I was never mentioned. My parents were not divorced and my brother & I grew up together in a traditional family. As an adult, I saw my parents every single week, while my brother was only there for holidays. Really, WTF is wrong with people.

12/31/11 9:26 P

I am so sorry. My mom married my stepdad when I was 14. I had a stepsister and a stepbrother. My stepdad was the only dad I had ever known. All through my early adult years I worked at the business my mom and stepdad owned. Even after my mom died 13 years ago I still called and visited my stepdad very frequently. My stepsister only called him when she wanted something, on her birthday and christmases to get her presents. I am not kidding or exaggerating. My stepdad had a massive stroke last year. My stepsister was there at the hospital crying and acting like she was his best friend. I kept my mouth shut out of respect for him. He died and at the funeral I was not even named among his relatives. I was very angry. I wanted to break her in half. I still cannot stand her because I know the kind of person she really is, but I don't waste my time or energy being angry with her anymore. My stepdad knew I loved him and I had a relationship with him. She did not. She missed out, I didn't. She has to live with that, not me.
Take heart that your love for him will never die. It will remain a part of you and someday you will smile when you remember him, not cry. But for now cry all you need to, let it cleanse your wounded heart and know that he is there with you.

SANDJ716 Posts: 82
12/30/11 12:10 A


First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. It is obvious that you truly love him ( I will not say *loved* because your love has not stopped just because he is no longer there.)

I understand your anger. I too have an ex-husband who is totally detached from our children. He will only see them if I take the kids to visit the other family members in the area, but he will gloat each and every time that he sees them. I can tell you that a wise person once told me that "Those who anger you, control you" so I would ask that you try very hard to release your anger. It may be hard to understand but this may be her way of dealing with not only her grief but also her guilt of not spending enough time with him. He was very aware who loves him and who was there for him if he was running a fever or needed new school clothes or who was supporting him in the stands when he graduated.

I know that he is now your angel looking down over your family and smiling. He would not want you to spend your life in anger rather than enjoying life and remembering the good times. We know that he was better off where he was and he was able to live his days surrounded by love.

I hope you do not mind but sometimes I have prayers that come to mind and in your case these are the words that I am hearing

Dear God,

I thank you for the joy you have brought into my life in the name of ________, I know that he is with you now Lord. I know that you will welcome him with open arms and that my love could never outshine the love that you have for him and everyone. Mary, I can sympathze with you over you feelings of loss. You had no control over the loss of your son as I did not either. Please intercede on my behalf and ask that God comfort my family members and bring peace and healing. I know there is nothing on earth that can fill the hole in my heart. Lord I ask that you fill my heart with your love and understanding. Where there is hatred let me bring love. I pray this in your name Lord Jesus Christ.

- I hope that these words will help you and your family. If there is anything that I can do to help you additionally please feel free to e-mail me here and I would be more than glad to help in any way I can.

Edited by: SANDJ716 at: 12/30/2011 (00:28)
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12/29/11 9:29 P

I've been trying to post this for awhile, but I always just cut & paste and put it in my journal or delete it completely.

My boyfriends 19 year old son was killed in a car accident on Dec.19th. He was not at fault, there was a collision ahead of him. An oncoming SUV was struck and came into his lane. He was killed instantly.
He had lived with us for 12 years and was like a son to me & a brother to my children. We are devastated at his loss.
I could talk forever about how many people loved him, the heartache over his death, all the wonderful friends he had.
I have been experiencing the 7 steps of grief. And without a doubt, I am smack in the middle of anger. And 100% of my anger is directed at his birth mother. I am completely overcome with the anger I feel at this woman. She was never there for him, but had no problem telling everyone at the wake & funeral, that she was his mother. ( no one knew who she was )
I am angry at her grieving over a boy that she was never interested in. Angry that she basically abandoned him. Angry that she continually hurt & disappointed him, throughout most of his life.
On a positive note, I had the honor of being a part of his life. Knowing that he was part of a family that loved him. Seeing him grow up with my children. Being there for his milestones. I got to see him everyday. I saw him grow up from a little boy to a man.
I know this anger is a natural step in the healing process. That it is supposed to happen & it is supposed to go away. But I'm not sure it will. Her acting like the grieving mother was appalling.

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