Author: Sorting Last Post on Top Message:
JO88BAKO SparkPoints: (314,580)
Fitness Minutes: (172,462)
Posts: 16,576
5/19/13 11:44 P

Not good to assume anything

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,363
5/19/13 11:33 P

FITGLAMGIRL the Philippines were colonized by the Spanish for 300 years...many of their names and a lot of their language is highly influenced by the Spanish.. And not everyone looks their nationality background...(me for instance).

So don't assume goes both ways...we are never always right or wrong....just sayin

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 5/19/2013 (23:34)
FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/19/13 6:37 P

Glitterfairy you are so right! I have Swedish genes and I told my husband don't be surprised if our baby is born with blonde hair and blue eyes, since I had read about those genes appearing. He was like it better not! Ha Ha!

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/19/13 1:57 P

Welll, regarding the last name..You could look whiter than white, and still be mixed. It's a valid question. There are recessive genes that like to peek every now and then...Like a Black person being born with blue eyes(I have seen it many times), stuff happens.

FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/19/13 12:53 P

Mebazi that makes sense. These strangers have never been rude. Using your words I just think sometimes it's just plain stupidity. I find myself many times shaking my head and going he/she didn't really say that to me did they! I often wonder too, if it registers with them what they just said or are they just clueless?

Me personally, I can make a lot of small talk with people and enjoy it, but I don't make any assumptions about age, race, family, weight etc. I don't assume I know anything about them. After all, they are complete strangers to me.

MEBAZI SparkPoints: (22,543)
Fitness Minutes: (2,918)
Posts: 351
5/19/13 12:45 P

Honestly I react to stupid questions depending on the person asking. If they are obviously being rude, I am in return rude. If they have a kind heart and it was an honest mistake, I take it in stride. If it is a question that has no merit, I may just look at them crazy, lol...

FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/19/13 12:44 P

Good point Glitterfairy. I thought it was because the name ended in HAN and many Irish names end in those letters, so I was thinking he said that because of the ending. These type comments always make me go hmmmmmmm or whaaaaaaaaaaaat!

Here is another one. Back in the day when we still wrote checks I wrote out a check at the grocery store and handed it the clerk. She said oh that's a Hispanic name. I said, "No it's actually a Filipino name"! She then proceeded to look at me and say "Are you Filipino"? Now I am about as white as white can be, but I felt like I needed to explain myself. I said, "My husband is Filipino and I took his last name when I married him"! Duh! I left that store shaking my head and thinking REALLY!

I just think people need to think about what they are saying! REALLY!

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/19/13 12:28 P

My dad used to say that "Oh, a good strong Irish name" to be funny...especially regarding many Slavic hockey player's names. The person could just have been trying to get you to laugh.

FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/19/13 12:11 P

Diane that is good advice. I do have many strangers just come up to me and strike up conversations. Not sure how I invite that, but it happens most frequently, so that could be why I have more of these random comments.

Here's another good one. My last name at one time in my life ended with the letters HAN. Some guy said oh that's a good old fashioned Irish name. Now it wasn't Irish at all and I have NO Irish in me. I wanted to say what Irish name begins with the letter Q. I just smiled and walked away. If he really new the origination of my name I think he would have been quite surprised.

Again I think people make lots of assumptions without really knowing any facts! Just saying!

MARTYJOE Posts: 428
5/19/13 10:37 A

makes an ass out of u and me

5/19/13 8:46 A

For me, personally, I haven't many of those situations done to me because folks who know me know that I have fun turning their faux pas into entertainment (actually I think they think I'm a living thorn bush).

That said, I have most CERTainly said things before I thought of what I was saying and if I catch myself immediately afterwards or am called on it I don't back peddle, I owe up to it and apologize profusely.

DIANE7786 Posts: 4,902
5/19/13 12:17 A

It seems the unappreciated comments posted are all from strangers attempting to connect with a little small talk with those around them. I never mind people talking to me. It's a few moments of my time. What they say, good or bad, doesn't affect my life.

FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/18/13 9:19 P

I love the responses. I do think the people saying things weren't intentionally trying to be insulting or anything like that. I would just rather they say nothing at all. Like the pg comment when you are not, then I just felt FAT after that! The senior citizen comment, then I felt like I looked OLD.

I just think people need to be sensitive to strangers. It might be different if I knew these people commenting, but I didn't. I do try to take the comments in stride and TRY not to let them bother me, but hey when we are already struggling with weight, getting older etc we don't need it all up in our face.

Another comment to me was from a customer of a business I was managing. He had asked if I was this employee's mother. I was her boss and we were about 10 years apart. I said yes if I could have had a baby at age 6. Duh! He said that was suppose to be a compliment. REALLY? She was a nice beautiful young looking girl. I just think people need to get a CLUE!

Obviously I am a little more sensitive to these type comments, maybe because I have so many examples. I must attract this kind of questioning! Ha Ha!

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
Fitness Minutes: (82,255)
Posts: 2,954
5/18/13 9:08 P

I live by the age old adage "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me" -- taught to me by my Mom....never steered me wrong yet!

AMARANTHA120S Posts: 474
5/18/13 5:21 P

Well, I guess I see what the OP is saying and agree it is kind of silly when people put their foot in their mouth and say things that bother us. I've been very guilty before about saying things that bother others and others have been guilty of saying things that bother me.

It is kind of called being human.

I also think it is important to consider the intent. I find this hard but the older I get I realize that most people wish me well and those who don't, well, don't.

And such is life.

MYUTMOST4HIM Posts: 11,453
5/18/13 5:20 P

I am not good at guessing people's age so I try to just not say comments like the ones you mentioned.
I also was on the receiving end of them though - usually I just tried to brush them off as well intended

ONLINEASLLOU SparkPoints: (73,365)
Fitness Minutes: (57,011)
Posts: 4,787
5/18/13 4:59 P

I think you need to consider the intent. If the person means well ... or is just trying to make social conversation ... then I don't think you should get upset about it. The person who asked if you are a senior citizen was trying to give you a discount! That's a good thing, not a bad or cruel remark.

It's not realistic to expect people to know what your "special, sensitive" issues are.

As for people who climsily put their feet in their mouths occasionally, well ... haven't you ever inadvertantly made a mistake? Be kind. They didn't mean to offend you.

On the other hand, there are the people who are chronically insensitive to others and/or don't care if they hurt people's feelings. As for them, you have every right to be a little angry at them -- but they shouldn't be a big part of your life. You should know better than to associate with such people regularly.

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,363
5/18/13 4:19 P

ABI....I hear what you are saying ...but again I think it's a choice in how you want to perceive it . When I look at photos of people here at Spark that have lost a lot of weight, I can't help thinking ...WOW how beautiful they look now. That is usually the reaction I have looking at the before and after photos. So when someone tells me... 'You would be so pretty if only you would lose some weight' , I choose to take it that they recognize my potential. Truthfully, most people I know feel they would look better if they lost some weight. Again, most of my friends Are heavy and could stand to lose a few...hey, so what else is new.

Even top models don't look their best without makeup....but add a little and VOILA, they look amazing. But someone Anticipated that they Would look amazing. So why not the same for weight....someone is anticipating you would look amazing a little slimmer.
As for plastic surgery...if I could afford it and I lost weight, I would get it done. Why not. Nothing wrong with making yourself feel beautiful if someone feels they need it done.

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 5/18/2013 (16:22)
GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/18/13 3:37 P

To me, and to others as well, I'm guessing...that, and I mean this adamantly and sincerely, "you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight" is equivalent to "you'd be so pretty if you had plastic surgery."

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,363
5/18/13 3:24 P

"You would be so pretty if you just lost weight."

Now is a classic example of seeing the glass half full or half empty.
I always Chose to hear the message that I had so much going for me all I needed to do was lose some weight. I didn't think ...they're saying that because I'm ugly.

And I don't understand, when people get flustered because a lot of people compliment them after they've lost weight. I don't think what did they think of me before. I consider it great that they noticed and I take it as encouragement.

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/18/13 3:14 P

Aaaaw! That's pretty cool, Kate! You guys must have love your features into her. ;)

5/18/13 3:09 P

my oldest was adopted by my husband when she was two. I love it when people say, Gee she looks just like her daddy.. or she gets her height from her dad... they are right, but they are totally wrong at the same time. Usually we just laugh.

ATHENA1966 Posts: 3,954
5/18/13 3:06 P

Your well on your way sister!

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/18/13 3:03 P

JamiNurse-Yeah. As far as the weight thing...I HATE that severely backhanded compliment. I heard it when I was my daughter's age..."You would be so pretty if you just lost weight." or "If you were skinny, you'd be a knock-out."
Well, there are men (and some women, but I'm straight) that prefer a woman with chub, and dang it, I AM a knock-out according to my kids' father. I am MAINLY losing weight for the sake of my health. I'd be lying if I said I am not doing it a LITTLE bit for vanity. I WOULD LOVE to wear a backless dress at least ONCE in my life without showing off backboobage.

ATHENA1966 Posts: 3,954
5/18/13 2:58 P

Yes, I know what you mean. I had a friend that used to make comments like, "you could be perfect if only you lost some of that weight" or, "you used to be tiny, what happened?". No longer friends with that pal.

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
5/18/13 2:58 P

When my kids were smaller, an older lady asked if my kids were adopted...They're half Black, and to me, and most people, my daughter looks JUST like me with a tan and curly hair. My son, undoubtedly, looks just like a light-skinned version of their daddy, but he was a baby then. I said, "No. I carried them in my body for nine months and pushed them out of my own vagina." Would she have even asked if they were White, I wonder? Even if they were adopted, they are MINE, and that's all that should matter. It was a deeply personal question and merited such a response. She looked rather taken aback, and walked off without another word-which was the result I was looking for.
In hindsight, maybe she was looking for information on adoption, but she could have buffered the question-and I probably would have been a bit more polite.

Edited by: GLITTERFAIRY77 at: 5/18/2013 (15:00)
SHERYLDS Posts: 17,363
5/18/13 2:18 P

Instead of getting upset at the stupid things people say...
take it in stride. There are a lot of people in this world that say stupid things without meaning harm.

Consider the source, consider the intent...then make your decision.
and if that doesn't work for you put them on the spot. Just say:
WHY DO YOU ASK emoticon
then stand back and watch them squirm trying to correct themselves.
You will teach them a lesson about assumptions and entertain yourself at the same time.

MISSPEACHES3 Posts: 1,884
5/18/13 1:54 P

One of my pet peeves is when someone I know says,"If you could just get some of that weight off of you." Well...... oh my goodness..... why didn't I think of that. I should not have to explain that I have health problems. People making assumptions..... DUH.

As far as me seeing someone who has with a child with them, and I am not sure of the relationship. I usually say, 'Is this a relative?'

I never mention anyone's weight. Yes, they may be pregnant, but maybe not. I just tell them that they are looking good.

If someone is showing me wedding pictures, I try to avoid any comments that might not be appreciated. I just say how nice or any positive comment I can think of.

LUV2SURFCHIC Posts: 2,507
5/18/13 10:41 A

Agreed. We say "don't judge" in my church. Hard to do. Hard to be the one they are making an assumption about. Live and learn, every day, huh?

ANDILH Posts: 1,543
5/18/13 10:39 A

I think people are always trying to assimilate new information into what they already believe or know. While I attempt to ask benign questions that give me the information I want without stepping in it, sometimes I end up sticking my foot in my mouth. It happens to me all the time with my sister. She is 18 months younger but severely multiply impaired and looks about 12. I'm constantly asked if she's my daughter. There is also the assumption (made way more often than I ever thought possible) that our mom must have done something wrong during her pregnancy to make her this way. Her condition is a spontaneous genetic mutation. There was nothing anyone could have done to make my sister any different.
I've decided to generally laugh at the stupid people who have the audacity to make horrible judgments about people without knowing anything. Laughing means I don't get upset and makes them feel just stupid enough that I feel better about the situation (even if that is a little petty). Although, that policy doesn't apply to kids who are genuinely curious and don't know better. Because while the kids may ask uncomfortable or probing questions they are not being cruel. They just want more information that I'm happy to give them.

Edited by: ANDILH at: 5/18/2013 (12:06)
FITGLAMGIRL Posts: 2,045
5/18/13 10:29 A

What I really hate is when others make assumptions about myself! I then find myself in awkward moments and they can be really defeating. I think we really need to think before we insert foot in mouth. These were my biggies!

When I was at my heaviest weight I had a few women ask me when my baby was due! My response "Oh that's just left over baby fat"! Ah what was I suppose to say?

Then I was picking up my daughter from afterschool and they asked if I was the grandma. Grrrrrrrr that comment really made me upset! My response "No, this is my daughter"! What do you say? Ok I had my kids later in life, but don't give me that title before I actually need it!

Are you a senior citizen? My response, "No, but you can give me the discount anyway now that you asked"! Gee I still dye my hair!

That last one though was a real kicker in a positive way! Office staff at my husbands office looking at a wedding picture of me and hubby and they ask him is that your daughter! Ah ha ha and hubby is 8 years younger than me! Geesh get a clue people!

There are many more examples that have happened to me, but I just wish people would just think before they say stuff like this.

Anyone else find themselves in awkward moments like this and what do you say or do?

Page: 1 of (1)  

Other SparkPeople Cafe Topics:

Topics: Last Post:
Hair question: Am I OVER conditioning my hair????? 2/23/2016 7:01:53 AM
eggs 11/8/2016 3:20:48 AM
Bad news! 5/18/2016 12:36:40 PM
Would you ever do it? 8/2/2016 11:54:10 PM
Frustrated!! 12/26/2016 6:26:22 AM