Thank you all for your input. I do feel like part of it is because I've lost so much weight, I'm subtly starting to feel like I can relax-though I technically did that all of last year.
Also FITNESS_ELLE, I do feel in a way that there's social pressure. I've been bigger than both of my sisters my entire life. Now they've put on a little weight, and have joined a gym together, and started working out (I live in a different town all together, and work out at the school's gym). I feel like them losing weight is my cue to stay big. The two of them tend to gang up on me with other things (I'm the middle sister, so it's like the youngest one has to try to impress the older one when I'm there because when we were kids, me and the oldest one always hung out. We're a year apart, and I'm about 3 years older than my youngest sister). In a way, I feel like even though they're not saying anything, I'm subtly being kept in that role.
When I went to visit my parents last Thursday, my mom offered me tons of food. The way she said it was weird. I was like "They're not eating it because they're on a diet, but here you go" kind of thing. Also, when I talk about what I'm doing, my mom brings up that my sisters are doing it too...well DUH they're doing it, but they've never been 'fat', and they really don't understand what it's like to be as huge as I am/was.
Anyway, going back to the point, I feel like everyone's excited for me, but at the same time, they don't want me to actually finish. I know they've never said that, and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that's how I feel.
I still feel like I'm too big for certain things-clothes, fitting into certain chairs comfortably, not wanting to sit next to others on the school's transportation system because I still feel like I'm 330 pounds, and that my body will spill into the other seat or something....I guess I have
"phantom butt syndrome"....I know I'm not as big as I used to be, but that might be part of why I'm trying to sabotage myself.
Yesterday I went to the gym even though I didn't want to, and ended up running into a friend. She convinced me to try the rock climbing wall, and I have to say that was probably the best therapy I'd ever had. It was something I've wanted to do for a LONG time, and just getting there and over coming that fear of others judging me ("why is that fat girl thinking she can climb the rock wall?" kind of thing) was therapeutic.
It's something I'll have to keep talking about, and my body is something I'll have to adjust to.
Thank you all again. You're all wonderful and I know that without you guys, this journey would be a heck of a lot harder than it already is.
Edited by: STARDUST2K4 at: 1/30/2013 (10:46)